[Issue 5] Poem: The Moon and the Sun (TWG)

[Quarks 2,255]

Day by Day, Night by Night

Some things just don't seem right

The Sun rises and gives off it's glory to all

But the moon is simply there to glow so small

 

The Sun is bright, it glows all day

And the Sun is the subject for one to pray

The moon is the subject of prayers to watch over

Not directed to the Moon, the Moon simply tries again the next day over

 

The moon stopped and ran

It had no one, no fan

The moon began to fly far away

And nobody had anything to say

 

The moon drifted away

black without the Suns rays.

The people moved on with their lives

And they forgot the Moon, even as they tried.

 

The sun glowed every morning and noon

It never seemed to end to soon

But only stars lit up the night

And in the black people walked in fright

 

They stood out their houses at night

waiting for the moon to end their fright

The sun can only do so much

When the rest of the day is out of touch

 

They waited for years for the moon

But people soon forgot the moon

With nothing to remind them

They soon for got him

 

The moon sat alone in darkness

Nothing to do but wallow in sadness

And with and increase in Madness

He decided to return to the surface

 

He went as fast as he could

To get back to earth he would

But when he returned, there was nothing to do

Because the moon was a distant thought too

 

Even the old men had given up on the moon

The people saw no point in and gave up soon

It became a legend of the distant past

Not something that would return at last

 

The moon returned all alone

With all of its hope long forlorn

The end of its sadness had come

It went and bowed down to the Sun

 

One man noticed him one day

Way up in the sky, he was filled with ecstasy

The people looked up at nigh

They forgot their fright

 

The Moon continued to turn, returning from its hiatus

And the whole world celebrated this.

The moon vowed never to leave again

but one must think again

 

What happened is bound to happen again

just as history repeats itself

 

[canadian_tank 226]

Um, -1

[Rayyan 3,415]

~DELETED!!!

Edited January 13, 2016 by Quasar

[dilsharox 2,395]

Nice poem

[KillerGnat 3,135]

You're no Shakespeare when it comes to poems, but I understand that this is really hard. I am certainly not a poet, and therefore, will not criticize you.

[Quarks 2,255]

Um, -1

Why? what is it you did not like, feed back is quite nice, fyi.

 

And in the black people walked in fright

 

Racist...

 

Um no, without the moon the sky is black, and with no light, everyone looks black and dark, not racist, nor am I racist.

 

They soon for got him

The people saw no point in and gave up soon

The end of its sadness had come

The people looked up at nigh

 

Were this mistakes bound to happen?

 

Huh?

 

1. Soon is future tense, and forgot is past. Try avoiding it, okay?
2. Same soon is future and saw is past.
3. As you wrote this poem in a past manner, come should be written as came.
4. Spelling of night

Other than that, plot was great.

 

 

You receive 2 stars

Thank you for the feedback, and you are being a little bit too picky. And rank is changed accordingly :P

[Quarks 2,255]

You're no Shakespeare when it comes to poems, but I understand that this is really hard. I am certainly not a poet, and therefore, will not criticize you.

Shakespeare was not really that much of a poet, but point taken.

[KillerGnat 3,135]

Shakespeare was not really that much of a poet, but point taken.

Shall I compare thee to a summer day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate....

 

^Shakespeare skills, ok? He was a great poet (you may disagree if you want, but I'll keep my nug opinion till the end).

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Well.... this is a pretty good poem for a school-level basis, but when you compare it to 'poetry' aka what Tommy60 and peeps do, this doesn't come close. You see, the mistake you've made is using the simplest of words just to get the rhyme scheme correct.

 

Try work on that next time round ;)

[Quarks 2,255]

Well.... this is a pretty good poem for a school-level basis, but when you compare it to 'poetry' aka what Tommy60 and peeps do, this doesn't come close. You see, the mistake you've made is using the simplest of words just to get the rhyme scheme correct.

 

Try work on that next time round ;)

I am not inherently a poet, this was a little bit more personal for me, and I also imagined it better when I was taking a shower yesterday. And I never compare my poetry to the greats. Guides: maybe, not poetry. Thanks for the feedback though.

[personia 4,036]

Um, -1

-1 yourself, you can't even spell, so don't go around criticising BTR.

 

TBH, it could be a lot worse. I thought it was almost a story though, like, it has the layout of a poem, and it has rhyme, but it seems to be, well, a story... Not the poems aren't stories of course, because they are, but this seems to come more under a prose/short story.

 

Still, I enjoyed it.