The Dance (a poem)

[tanksalad 70]

Update: December 31, 2016 - I don't anticipate anyone clicking on this thread any longer, but if you did and want to read "The Dance", you can scroll down through the comments below and find it. This space here is now reserved for semicolons. And the like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Courier

 

by tanksalad

 

 

"Knock knock" came the sign, portending things I could not have imagined, for if I had such capacity to fathom, I would have surely gone insane long ago, but a short way into my uncomprehending life, scattered with lostness and misunderstanding, blindness and overall unfeeling, a life so haunted by the unseen trickery of reality that I dare not endeavour true discern, nor present to the world, of such, any facsimile, as the world would surely eat me alive for so heinously a hypocrital heist of decency, shaming me into a grave so deep, a hole it would tear in the fabric of the universe, yes, time and space themselves, or, should I say, itself, for really they are one, inextricable, a snare for all who dare to exist, wherein the prisoner runs in the endless loop of thought, trying to complete the uncompletable, trying to understand although he knows it criminal, and endlessly bombarded within that thought by the higher forms that are, the concepts that exist outside of space and time, those that were always and always will be, even after space and time dry up and blow away into the welcome embrace of nothingness, concepts so outside of reality that they must be real, which is kind of scary, to be honest, which is why the sign, which came as a knocking on the door of my shelter, built to withstand the perpetual pounding of the harsh elements of that reality, has unsettled me so, reducing me to trembling utterances to the dreadful Courier, "Go away, go away," the refrain, echoing off the walls of my pitiful den, doing naught but falling back upon my own ears, singing to me softly, sorrowfully, the song of futility.

 

 

 

Edited December 31, 2016 by tanksalad

[Hex 11,520]

Approved.

 

Edits:

 

- Some spellings and grammar,

- General justification and designing.

[ToHoYoNTaDa 1,147]

:)

[Blackdrakon30 2,943]

Pretty good! Its really simple, which is part of its charm, but I do feel like you could have done more with words. I think its a pretty decent piece of poetry though.

 

I'm going to dance with my Wasp M1 now.  :ph34r:

[yonatanthesuper 314]

Approved.

 

Edits:

 

- Some spellings and grammar,

- General justification and designing.

you don't have to make him feel bad :(

[Bleach 491]

Heyyyyy that's pretty gooood! ;)

[Spit_Fyre 334]

I thought this was cute - at first! But it's ends on a condescending note which kind of dented it for me. It becomes all about the vulcan right(I mean it already is, but it becomes even more)? If I were writing this, I'd just make one tiny little change in the last line -

 

"Dance for Vulcan"

"Dance to Vulcan"

 

It removes the doom-n-gloom feel at the end and let's it roll off on a happy note. But then again, I'm not writing it and this was probably exactly what you wanted readers to feel. Nevertheless, pretty good.

Edited December 12, 2016 by Spit_Fyre

[tanksalad 70]

Thank you for the nice comments, guys, I appreciate it. :)

[tanksalad 70]

I thought this was cute - at first! But it's ends on a condescending note which kind of dented it for me. It becomes all about the vulcan right(I mean it already is, but it becomes even more)? If I were writing this, I'd just make one tiny little change in the last line -

 

"Dance for Vulcan"

"Dance to Vulcan"

 

It removes the doom-n-gloom feel at the end and let's it roll off on a happy note. But then again, I'm not writing it and this was probably exactly what you wanted readers to feel. Nevertheless, pretty good.

Yeah, it's supposed to end on condescending, self-important note. Because that's vulcan's personality. I love wasp and hornet, and use them all the time in my alt accounts. This is just seeing the world through vulcan's simple-minded eyes, where he even thinks the other tanks enjoy getting knocked around by his fire, and mammoths envious they can't share in the fun. I like your idea for "dance to vulcan" as the ending, though, that might have made it more palatable for some, and frankly it would end it on a more musical note, which is cool. Thanks for the feedback. :)

[Spit_Fyre 334]

Yeah, it's supposed to end on condescending, self-important note. Because that's vulcan's personality. I love wasp and hornet, and use them all the time in my alt accounts. This is just seeing the world through vulcan's simple-minded eyes, where he even thinks the other tanks enjoy getting knocked around by his fire, and mammoths envious they can't share in the fun. I like your idea for "dance to vulcan" as the ending, though, that might have made it more palatable for some, and frankly it would end it on a more musical note, which is cool. Thanks for the feedback. :)

Ah! True, true, very in-character. That must be why the vulcan reminds me of a vulture - sitting up there on the high, waiting for something to die... and sipping the life out of every darn tank that passes by :P

[tanksalad 70]

Ah! True, true, very in-character. That must be why the vulcan reminds me of a vulture - sitting up there on the high, waiting for something to die... and sipping the life out of every darn tank that passes by :P

Vulcan is kind of nasty like that. :)

[tanksalad 70]

Just for the record, because although I really appreciate the mod letting me share my poem in this thread, I am not happy with the changes that were made to it (especially the extraneous punctuation, as it is lyric, not prose; nor did it have spelling errors), so I am re-posting it here in its original form...

 

 

 

 

The Dance

i remember Hornets and Wasps dancing

to that little tune every tank loved

it's on the jukebox: five-eight-zero

solid gold hit of the time

you can't ignore that swinging groove
you cannot stop the catchy beat

all the little ones love to move
dance and shake their little tank feet

they danced in Rio
they danced in Berlin

they danced in Madness
again and again

oh how they danced
oh how they spun

whirling and twirling
look, everyone!

even Hunters and Vikings
dabbled in groove

so irresistable
the urge to move

clumsy-footed Dictator
you can stand it no more

go try your luck
on the dance floor!

burly Titans
watching the little guys

big-boned Mammoths
hiding envious eyes

play it again, Tanki, play it again

that song
that every Hornet and Wasp
secretly dreams
to hear once more

so impactful, so forceful

it's on the jukebox: five-eight-zero

and all the little Hornets
and all the little Wasps

will dance again

oh yes!

dance, little ones...

dance for Vulcan!

Edited December 31, 2016 by tanksalad

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Vulcan is kind of nasty like that. :)

Everyone dreads that whirring minigun startup sound.

[tanksalad 70]

Ha, yes I hear that behind me and I go "aw s**t".