Other [New Year Special] If the Reporters and Helpers Celebrated New Year's Together

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

 

The whole team gathered around the fireplace in the Newspaper HQ. We all stayed there, obviously, because Reporters never have time to stop doing mindless work, even on New Year's. Besides, none of us really care about our families, because, like I mentioned, we all are mindless robots under the 3vil Administration of Flexbot and Vikingsrall. Nevertheless, we did manage to convince our 3vil Overlords to give us a break and let us have some fun during New Year's.

 

Reporter HQ, Washington, D.C., 2017

 

@Thekillerpenguin was the only one still working. He claimed to be "temporarily unavailable", but we all knew he just wanted that Helper of the Month reward and the cool purple paint that comes with it.

 

 

Sitting in the biggest arm chair was @Hexed, who was gazing at everyone else, trying to figure out just what exactly we were all doing. I'm not sure if he caught me picking my nose, I tried to play it off as a mere itch of my nose, but I don't think I did a really convincing job. I think he also finally realized that he was hanging out with a bunch of losers when @Destrod and @Flexoo started laughing really loudly at what most probably was some overly-used totally un-funny joke which was probably about another Reporter in the room. In fact, it was probably me.

 

Louring in the far corner of the room was none other than @tweezers, who was undoubtedly coming up with yet another evil plan to overthrow the 3vil Administrators and eventually, somehow, become the Almighty Ruler of the Tankiverse. Although that may sound like a totally cool and anti-social thing to do, like something an evil sociopath would do, especially at a time like this, it really isn't. Well, it isn't if you're tweezers, anyway. I wouldn't be surprised if the plan code name this time around was simply 'Plan #ZZZ.ZZX', because I think that's what he's up to at this point.

 

He once tried fill to Flexoo's office with melted cheese to the brim in a failed attempt to drown Flexoo in it. Foolproof, except for the fact that Flexoo was in the washroom while the office was being flooded.

 

Then came @Blackdrakon30, who was trying to be overly social this year, being he was moving around constantly, switching seats and being a part of just about every conversation at once. I kept my distance, I was never really the social type. Besides, Drakon was scaring me with his overly social attitude; I was tempted to go join tweezers and help come up with more stupid plots, just to see him fail at each one.

 

I was pushed to join tweez even more when Drakon got into an argument with other Reporters about why his nickname isn't racist, and how he doesn't even see race. I knew race leads to politics, and politics leads to covfefe.

 

I however didn't have enough of an urge to join tweezers in his anti-socialness, so I just moved over to the next couch, which was a bit farther from the fire place, and closer to our computers, which acted as a great reminder to me that my life is in fact depressing and that this break will end soon and I will have to go back to regular routine of mindless work while Flexoo peaks over my solder every few minutes saying things like "you forgot the 'v' in 'covfefe'".

 

I distracted myself from that degrading reality by picking my nose again, which resulted in Hexed glancing over at me again. This time it was less about the feeling of being caught picking your nose, and more about the feeling you get when you accidentally lock eyes with someone and get look away.

 

I managed to turn my head after around five seconds of paralyzation, which resulted in me launching my mind straight into a conversation was having with @Destrod. They were talking about how boring this lame get-together was and how it was just a tad better than us sitting around in front of our computers. I agreed with them, so I left. Not just because of the boredom, but because I began feeling like a stalker; listening into just about everyone's conversations. Besides, I wanted to see what @Marc was up to, he wasn't around the fire place.

 

As I was walking out, Vikingsrall asked me where I was going. I put on a shrimpy-kid voice at replied "Wa-wa-washroom, sir". He shrugged and went back to doing whatever 3vil work Administrators do, like sorting pays (not that we get paid).

 

I went outside, where I found @Marc smoking. Not actually smoking, we, as an official newspaper don't promote such unhealthy filth. He was smoking a chocolate stick. Why? Not sure. I told him I was going to go down the street to the Department of Social Staff Members, being I heard that there was a get together there too.

 

Department of Social Staff Members, Washington, D.C., 2017

 

He told me to wait for him to finish he fake cigarette and that he wanted to come to. So, after Marc finished, we headed straight for the Department of SSM.

 

Upon arriving at the Department of SSM, we were greeted by a grumpy looking @Maf, who was dressed in a shirt with eight pockets and a hat that gave off 'I'm one of those rare guys that work on New Year's' vibes. After two or three minutes of awkward staring at one another, he finally spoke up, asking us "So? What are you kids doing here?"

 

We replied telling him that we're Reporters, and that we wanted to join the party inside. I don't think he took that too well...

 

"Listen losers, I'm the the security guard of this place, and nothing you say could change my mind. Reporters aren't social, it's a known fact. I will not allow your toxic, narcissistic attitudes into this party. Hear me?"

 

After a whole lot of arguing, Maf let Marc in, being he was a Wiki Editor too, so he met Maf's "social standards". I however was stuck outside, so I decided to walk around to the back, to try to find an open window to climb through. And to my great relief, there was in fact a slightly open window. I climbed through and was greeted by @Winner_Of_Turkey, who was holding a turkey.

 

I asked him where the party was, and he showed me directions to the party room, where all social staff members were chatting and having fun. Time to get stalking.

 

In the far corner of the room was @Ninja, being a very clumsy and bad ninja. He snuck around the room, trying to steal plates of food out of people's hands only to fail and instead knock it out of their hands, causing it to fall to the floor and make a large crash. He crawled under tables for no apparent reason. He could've just as well walked around the table just as smooth.

 

Right in the centre of the party were the group of chat moderators, who distances themselves from everyone else, and kept huddled together in a circle around , the Indestructible Chat Administrator, who also just so happens to be an ostrich. They acted as a wall around her, from any potential threats, I guess. They made scowling sneers at other helpers who passed them by a bit too closely. Sometimes they even frisked helpers in search for bombs who hand grenades.

 

I had to look away from them though, because it seemed like they grew concerned of my whereabouts; they all began staring at me intensely.

 

I tried to find Marc, but when I did, he was already flirting with a group of female tankers, so I let him be. This was his chance to get his first girlfriend.

 

So I turned away, looking around for @SwiftSmoky, when all of a sudden, a Smoky and Wasp came flying through the doors, smashing them open to either side, and hurtled through the air before finally hitting the opposite wall, where he fell to the floor. There were a few moments of awkward silence, before Swift got up, straightened himself out, and yelled; "Sorry I'm late guys! Let's get this party started!"

 

The music turned back up instantly, and everyone returned to their conversations about what they wanted for Christmas, undoubtedly trying to hint to one another that they want them to by them that specific thing.

 

Meanwhile, there were a few people scattered across the party room who seemed less happy, and more distressed. They paced back and forth in a small path, pulling their hair once in a while, and, occasionally, some even gave out an awkward yell of disturbance. These were the forgetful, and usually overly loaded with work people who completely forgot what time of year it was, despite all the ads on TV, YouTube, radio, billboards, stores, bus stops, washroom, and only realized once they arrived at this very party.

 

This being the case, they had no idea how they'd manage to buy everyone they know gifts.

 

Their saviour came however, as @I3est burst through the doors looking dressed for work. He pushed a trolly labeled 'Cheap & Junky Christmas Present for the Friends You Rather not Have!'. All those stressed out helpers ran toward the trolly and picked out spatulas and over sized rubber ducks at random in relief.

 

Not much was happening on the ground now, besides @Hate who was getting into verbal arguments with basically everyone else in the room. But noticed out of the corner of my eye something higher above; huge drones masked with the Alligator paint, were scanning the hall.

 

Occasionally they yelled out to everyone 'Your Reporter has been sent', which caused panic amongst the helpers.

 

"Who Reporter me, did you? Oh it was for sure you! NO, YOU! Who reported? Okey, I report all then."

'Your Reporter has been sent'

'Your Reporter has been sent'

'Your Reporter has been sent'

'Your Reporter has been sent'

...

 

In the midst of the chatter and accusing, I heard Flexoo's mettle clanks near closer and closer. He knew I was there so I need to get out of there. I ran outside, and into the dark and snow deserted streets, where I lost him. I walked past closed shops with gifts in the window, as snow fells quietly onto my overly large nose.

 

Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

 

 

---

 

Previous articles in this series:

If the English Community was a Company...

If the English community was a Football [soccer] Team

What if the English Community was a Restaurant

If the English community was a City

If the English Community was Stuck on a Desert Island

If the English Community was a Hotel

If the English Community was a Bowling Alley

If the English Community Went Trick or Treating

 

[Stratosphere 2,234]

Noicy!

Edited December 23, 2017 by Stratosphere

[Ninja 10,468]

In the far corner of the room was @Ninja, being a very clumsy and bad ninja. He snuck around the room, trying to steal plates of food out of people's hands only to fail and instead knock it out of their hands, causing it to fall to the floor and make a large crash. He crawled under tables for no apparent reason. He could've just as well walked around the table just as smooth.

Damn you weren't supposed to see me under the table, I was doing things.

[GrandExecutioner 1,403]

Biased writing. You didn't just pick your nose, We all know you ate that bogey.

Edited December 27, 2017 by GrandExecutioner

[Shibecaisu 534]

Nice story.

[VPS 141]

Damn you weren't supposed to see me under the table, I was doing things.

o:

Edited January 12, 2018 by VPS