The Betrayal

[r_trooll15 827]

"Fudge it," said Fred, "otherwise you'll never make the tasty brownies for the King."

 

"Where does it say that we need fudge?" retorted Meg.

 

"Nowhere... I just thought that would solve the problem."

 

"We have no time to experiment, Fred."

 

"Why not?"

 

"You were there, you heard what the King said. If we don't please him by tomorrow evening, we will be sent to the guillotine!"

 

"So, what are you suggesting that we do?"

 

"Follow the recipe exactly."

 

"We did that a million times already, what is going to change? They still will taste horrible."

 

"I have a feeling about this one."

 

"Fine, Meg. Have it your way. Don't blame me when the King sends us both to the guillotine."

 

"Well, your ideas won't make it any better. What kind of crazy person thinks that adding blood to brownies makes it taste better?"

 

"Me."

 

"Fred..."

 

"What?"

 

"Do you realize that you were the one who got us into this mess in the first place? You were the one who dragged me into this. I don't know about you, but I don't want to die."

 

"I know that, Meg. But the blood in the brownie tasted real nice."

 

"Are you a vampire? Wait a moment... That's why you are always looking at me so intently. You want to suck my blood and satisfy your own thirst, even if it means my death. You are just a selfish vampire."

 

"That's not true."

 

"It is true. That's why you caught fire when they dragged us through the streets in broad daylight. And let me guess, you put blood into the fudge as well."

 

"No I didn't. Meg, I'm not a vampire!"

 

"Then explain this object that I found under your bed. Your bottle of 'wine'. I tried it and it tastes like blood. And it is always full."

 

"Your sense of taste is messed up."

 

"It is not."

 

"It is."

 

"No, it is not. You are a vampire."

 

"I am not."

 

"Ok, then. Let me just inject this into your blood. It won't hurt."

 

"Ok. Use my syringe."

 

"Ok."

 

Meg proceeds to inject the fluid into Fred's arm. Fred feels excruciating pain coming from the injection.

 

"It hurts a lot, right?" asked Meg.

 

"Yes," replied Fred.

 

"That was extremely diluted garlic. It would cause no reaction in a normal human, but almost unbearable pain in a vampire."

 

"You betrayed me."

 

"So, you are a vampire. If you say no, then I will inject a concentrated dose of garlic."

 

"Meg, why are you doing this?"

 

"Yes or no?"

 

"Why, Meg?"

 

"Answer me now, or else I inject more garlic into you."

 

"Meg, stop it n--"

 

Meg injected Fred again with more garlic.

 

"Why are you doing this to me?" Fred asked.

 

"Yes or no?" Meg shot back.

 

Fred sighed and said very softly, "Yes."

 

"Yes what?"

 

"Yes, I am a vampire..."

 

"I knew it. How greedy of you, to condemn me to death because of your own lust for being satisfied. You want blood in everything, not because you need it to survive, but because you want to enjoy yourself, even if it means someone else has to die to fulfill your wants. You deserve to die."

 

"I have one thing to say. The speed with which you concluded that I am a vampire, as well as your abundant supply of garlic, leads me to conclude that you are a vampire Hunter."

 

"Yes. I am, and I say so with pride."

 

"I have one action left to do."

 

"I won't let you do it."

 

Meg brandishes a silver and garlic infused wooden stake and points it at Fred's heart. Fred looks at the stake and then at her. He is admiring a beautiful section of skin, absolutely flawless, smooth silky section of skin on the back of her neck, just begging for a good nibble or five. Then, he clears his mind.

 

"Meg, you and I are in this situation together. If you kill me now, you still will die tomorrow. If you let me live, then I will cooperate with you and there is a chance of us getting out of this alive."

 

"Fair enough. But if you betray me, I will kill you."

 

"Ok. I think that we should go sleep now and continue the cooking tomorrow.”

 

“I am pretty tired, plus tomorrow I can concentrate on the brownies.”

 

“Goodnight, then.”

 

“Goodnight.”

 

Meg went to bed thinking that she was safe. As a precaution, she wore a garlic necklace under her pajamas. She fell asleep, oblivious to Fred. Fred was a vampire, so he was awake the whole time. When he was certain that Meg had fallen asleep, he came over to her. The smell of garlic stung his nose, but he did not care. He wanted to take a deep nibble into her and drink the fresh human blood, not the stale old blood that he had in his wine bottle. He knelt above her, surveying her body, finally settling on her nape. The smooth skin, hidden from the elements by hair, was soft, but yielded a nice and steady flow of human blood. It was just begging for a nibble. Fred could not resist. He bit her, sucking the human blood and ravishing every drop of it. His fangs released some substances to anesthetize the area and to keep the blood from scabbing over. They also released a substance that would start the process of the human turning into a vampire. Fred drank to his content and left. He did not notice that Meg was awake; He thought he had gotten away with it. Meg woke up when the fangs entered the back of her neck. She had been wrong to trust Fred, and she was paying for it. Meg could do nothing but regret her decision while waiting for Fred to finish sucking her blood. She knew that she would turn into a vampire, but she did not know when. She could do nothing about it except waiting for the time to be right, for when she would start to feel strange, attracted to any exposed area of a human, wanting to have a tiny nibble. It was how it spread.

 

The next morning, Fred got up to Meg staring at the wall blankly, waiting for him.

 

“Good morning, Meg,” Fred said.

 

“Fred, why did you have to bite me? Why did I trust you? You betrayed me, so now you pay for it with your life,” Meg stated.

 

“Meg, I’m sorry, I can’t resist the urge to bite you.”

 

“So, you will die.”

 

“No.”

 

“I will stake you now.”

 

Meg started to feel a bit strange.

 

“I refuse to die,” declared Fred.

 

“Too late,” answered Meg.

 

Fred lunged at Meg, tackling her, and pinned her down. He bit her again, on the front of the neck, piercing her throat. She threw him off of her and pinned him down with her foot squarely on his chest.

 

“I must bite you,” said Fred through clenched teeth.

 

“This is your punishment for betraying me in such a manner,” wheezed Meg. She took up her stake and pushed it against Fred’s skin, right over his heart.

 

“I have bitten you, so you will turn into a vampire very soon. When you do, you shall come to understand my actions,” Fred gasped.

 

“You have turned me into a monster, so you will pay,” Meg shouted. She mustered all of her strength and slammed down on the stake. The stake went cleanly through Fred’s heart.

 

“Meg, I have done my job as a vampire. Now, go do yours and turn more humans into vampires. I know you can do it, Meg. I die in peace…” Fred whispered and died.

 

“You have turned me into a monster.”

 

Meg turned around and went back to her bed. Her hand ran up her shoulders and touched the bites on her nape, then the front of her neck. She was dying, but if she turned into a vampire, she would heal that immediately. She would survive the guillotine and bite other humans. She could not let that happen. So, she lifted her stake and pressed it against her heart. She proceeded to push the stake in, but she was too weak to completely puncture herself, like she did with Fred. However, it had worked, because she was rapidly losing strength. She knew that she was going to die for sure now, and felt peaceful at that fact, as she lay collapsed on her bed. She closed her eyes in peace, and breathed her last.

Edited December 5, 2017 by r_trooll15

[tweezers 1,034]

Approved. 

 

-Respaced every line. 

 

Overall, I'm not sure what you were trying to do with this story. The characters seemed stiff and overdramatic, and there was no proper explanation as to why they ended up together in the first place. The first bit with the brownies was completely unnecessary and only confuses a reader more. The language was pretty good, but next time I'd advise you to split something like this into chapters so that you can develop your plot more. 

[r_trooll15 827]

First line was to underpin society

 

Next story is going to be an unedited story from my childhood

 

A sneak peek at a possible book, perhaps

Edited December 5, 2017 by r_trooll15

[Viking4s 10,791]

Nice piece with an unexpected turn of event.
I think you should have kept the story all on the same day. The middle part about the bite during the night break the flow of the story awkward. 

A little introduction would have helped to set the scene. If not then while you tell the story you would provide the background information (how they met, how meg grow suspicious...)  and more importantly what is the element that trigger the bite. He could have done it a long time ago. What makes Fred doing it now. 

[Magenta 5,165]

Meh. What's wrong with going around biting people? It causes no harm if the only difference between vampirehood and being human is between biting and not biting...

 

Also, I seriously laughed at the garlic part. Was this meant to be dark comedy? You failed to inject appropriate emotions.

[r_trooll15 827]

Meh. What's wrong with going around biting people? It causes no harm if the only difference between vampirehood and being human is between biting and not biting...

 

Meg is a vampire Hunter...

Also, Fred has a passionate desire for blood, to the point of not caring about the impending execution.

Also, I seriously laughed at the garlic part. Was this meant to be dark comedy? You failed to inject appropriate emotions.

Another dose of garlic for you? Edited December 5, 2017 by r_trooll15

[BlueDragon_tamki 3,204]

Good story