I would like to say that the whiny posts by various sore losers have greatly entertained me. I would also like to say For the record that if I see any of those tankers entering any future newsletter contests, I will laugh my Cutie Mark off. I will also consider them to be, in my judgement, disqualified by default.

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I'm not kidding either, she actually said this once!

Trollface.jpeg, take my upvote. Logic wins again! :D :lol:

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Royal Disclaimer: Hello, fellow Tanki-players! I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle, a.k.a. SparkleAndSpice14. Stratus (sonofchrysalis3) is a good friend of mine; I’ve known him for two years and he’s usually quite nice. But he got a little carried away while writing this article, and I fear he might’ve been a touch rude. I tried to edit it as best as I could, but just in case I missed something, please don’t be offended by what he has written. He is very passionate about this topic, but he would never intentionally insult or upset you, I promise. Good luck and happy tanking! T.S. On June 13th, 2015, I was enjoying an easy round at Stadium CTF. My team met practically no resistance. The opposing team was almost entirely composed of snipers, so no one prevented me from grabbing six flags within the first ten minutes of the battle. I politely allowed a tanker we’ll call “Doofus” to try to capture the next flag. I drove up to the other team’s spawning area and began tormenting the snipers. “Doofus” raced back to our base in his little Wasp, flag flapping behind him. I felt good about letting the guy take it. He needed the experience points more than I did. He suddenly screeched to a stop in the middle of the field. Every eye was upon him as he sat motionless, a sitting duck for any enemy sniper. I bit my lip nervously and struggled to keep the snipers off of him. What, in the honorable name of Galaxia, was he doing?! A message appeared in the chat box. “Gold pls admin” A muffled woosh erupted behind me. “Doofus” exploded as the sniper’s round crushed his armour and flipped him on his side. The flag fell, and a nearby enemy picked it up. My sacrifice was wasted. * * * * * * * * After the battle, I grabbed a pen and, in a frustrated flurry of flying ink, I wrote “The Most Common Misconception About the Gold Box”. I couldn’t believe that tankers were so mistaken about the Gold. That Doofus’s pointless typing started a chain reaction that even I couldn’t stop: we lost the battle by four flags. Sadly, his mistake is not uncommon. Many tankers believe that administrators can manually drop the Gold Box. Oh, I know how much it breaks your heart to read that! “YOU MEAN THAT MY INCESSANT SHOUTS OF ‘GOLD PLS ADMIN’ FELL ON DEAF EARS?” To which I scream, in a flood of angry passion, “YES!!!!” I’m sure that this misconception is simply due to tankers’ misunderstanding of administrators and Gold Boxes. And so, if I explain in simple-to-understand sentences how the two items in question work, everytanki should say “Oh. Well I guess I shouldn’t type that stupid phrase anymore.” Twilight Sparkle has been looking over my shoulder as I write this, and she just scolded me for “being so rude.” Not quite sure what she means. Anyway: 1. Admins do many things. Dropping Gold Boxes isn’t one of them. According to the “Responsibilities of administration and administration’s helpers” wikipage, there are several types of administrators. Take yourself a look-see: Now, let me ask you all a question: do you see a title in that list with the job of dropping Gold Boxes? If you just said “Yes”, I’m going to slap- *OW*. Never mind. Very sorry. What was I saying? The administrators are here to keep Tanki clean and safe for tankers of all ages. They do not drop Gold Boxes. A few tankers just bounced in their seats and said “OOH OOH OOH but Stratus, can’t developers drop Gold Boxes? You know, since THEY MADE THE GAME?” Poor, misguided, one-track-minded tanker- *OW*. My dear, wonderful, all-knowing little monster friend, do you honestly think that the fifteen or twenty developers have nothing better to do than sit at their computers and wait for you to ask for a Gold Box when you are one tanker in thousands who ask that every minute? That leads right to my next point: 2. Gold Boxes are dropped randomly by the computer. Permit me to quote the wikipage again: "Gold Box - This is a bonus that is dropped during a battle. It awards the player 1000 crystals. There are drop zones for Gold Boxes on every map. Most maps have several drop zones. Originally the Gold Box was dropped when battle the fund reached 700 crystals. Since Update 1.78.0 it can now appear in a battle with any fund size. The probability is 1 in 10,000." Do you see that dastardly little word there in the last sentence? “Probability”? Hmm... I wonder what “probability” could mean... let me pull up a human dictionary on my computer here… okay, “probability” is defined as “The odds that a random event will occur versus the odds that it won’t”. Wow, so what does that mean? Could it mean that what I have been shouting and screaming and crying and begging you to realize is actually true? Maybe you still aren't convinced. Maybe you need a visual aid to help you see how wrong the concept of a mythical administrator in the sky dropping the gold really is: So, without further ado, I present A LAME LITTLE STRATUS CARTOON Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not denying that administrators have halos, and I’m certainly not saying that they don’t float on clouds (I understand that @Yele prefers stratocumulus because it’s easier to stretch out on). What I AM saying is that asking the admin for a Gold Bil is laughably unintelligent okay if you really want to, but please remember that it accomplishes nothing. 3. What about hacks? The few remaining urchins *OW* tankers clinging stubbornly to the manual drop fantasy are probably screeching something about the little cheat codes and websites that nefarious individuals have contrived to spawn Golds on command. There are three things you need to know about hacks: a. All those YouTube videos you saw? The hacks depicted don’t work. So some random dude posts a video in which he clicks on the ground and *voila* down drops a Gold Box. Eh heh. He titled the video “Gold Hack”, but he’s actually using the infamous test server. I know nothing about test servers, *NOR DO I CARE TO*, but I know that Golds caught there don’t give you any crystals. But what if he genuinely did make a working hack? What if some third party software was used to break into a battle and a Gold Bil was actually dropped manually? The question leads right into my next point: b. Successful Gold hacks last approximately five seconds before they are discovered and the hacker’s account is erased. Tankionline’s computers are not stupid. Just as you can detect when a kangaroo has stepped on your hoof (or foot, as the case may be), Tanki very quickly realizes that something is amiss when a battle exhibits unusual characteristics, such as a Gold Box dropping in an unnatural manner. Technicians are alerted immediately, and the battle is locked down like you see SWAT teams do in the movies. The Gold hack is eliminated and the player responsible is permanently removed from the game, regardless of how much time or money he spent on his account. But what if some superhuman hacker, with his ExtraUberMacaroni3000 computer, was somehow able to hack in and create a Gold-dropping utopia undetected, where he and his partners-in-crime could rack up millions of crystals per day? That’s where I come in. c. Even if a hack gets through, honest tankers will spot it and report it. CTaen and I were at Polygon DM about a month ago, and sometanki WHO SHALL REMAIN UNNAMED said “Hey, I’ve got a Gold box hack” in the chat box. We told him that such things are not allowed on Tanki, and using them would result in a ban, but he laughed us off. And so we stood watching, recording software ready, waiting for him to use his hack. He realized that we weren’t joking and promptly left. Whether he had a hack or not isn’t the point. A section of the forum has been created for tankers to post videos of Game Violators caught in the act of using game cheats, and this forum is utilized frequently by honest players who wish to uphold the rules and spirit of the game of Tanki. Dozens of hackers have raised their ugly heads over the past six years, but none have gotten away cleanly with their cybercrimes because honorable players catch them every time. “BUT STRATUS!” screams the pathetic *OUCH* WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT?! tanker, “Why would you want to get rid of something that benefits you?! Surely you could appreciate the extra crystals that the hack would give you!” Cue main point number four: 4. Why are hacks illegal? Why would those grouchy old developers want to make manual Golds impossible? Oh, that’s right, it’s because they’re a bunch of stingy, money-grubbing misers who don’t want you to get enough crystals to buy the equipment you want without having to buy the crystals. *Facehoof.* Let me explain this for the umpteen dozenth time: a. Hacks are unfair. Hackers make up a tiny minority of the Tanki community. Almost no one has the know-how necessary to hack into the game and manipulate it, so most players would be royally screwed if hacks were allowed to run rampant. The only tankers who would ever win battle would be hackers, and this site would become a very dangerous place. b. They hurt the economy. Sorry to rain on your paradise, but Santa Hooves doesn’t keep this game online. The game is free to join and play, but serious gamers buy crystals in order to compete on a professional level. The people who made this game and keep it running have a difficult situation on their hands: they need to eat, which requires money, but they want their game to be fun for everytanki. So they put a small price on things. They are simply selling virtual goods, just as the store down the road sells real-world goods. So what if sometanki infiltrates the game and starts circulating counterfeit crystals? Prices must go up in order to counter the loss of profits caused by the fake crystals; i.e. inflation of the virtual currency. The economy becomes unstable as the hacked crystals flow into the system. Eventually, the only tankers able to buy equipment and supplies are the hackers, until the economy completely collapses, that is. I can see the reply section now: “Well those nasty devs should just give us this stuff for free.” Nothing, poor tanker, is free. The internet by which you are reading this newsletter is not free. The structure you’re sitting on wasn’t free, even if you’re sitting on the ground (#property_taxes). Get your head out of your flanks and study kindergarten economics. Oh, and by the way: c. The Devs are not out to get you. You love to slander them in the discussion forum. Unspeakable thrills pulse your entire being as you complain about how they wake up in the morning and say “Whose life can I ruin today?” And everytanki else in the universe points at you and laughs helplessly. If you really believed every libelous thing you’ve said about them, you’d press that common sense button in your brain and get off of this site. Instead, you sit there and play this game for hours each day. Nothing wrong with that, but stop pretending that you think it’s all horrible. You aren’t fooling anypony. ******** I have done my very best to stay calm and collected as I have typed this. It wouldn't have been as difficult if I didn't have A CERTAIN ALICORN smacking me in the back of the head every other sentence. But you get the idea. No one but the computer has the power to drop Gold Boxes. And while it would probably be more exciting (for a moment, anyhow) to have a DROP THE GOLD BOX button on your keyboard, the cons would very quickly outweigh the pros. Part of the beauty of Gold Boxes is their rarity. If they were as numerous as Speed Boosts, we would be far less enamored by them. So it's better that they be scarce and uncontrolled. It's just one more thing that makes our game one of the best on the internet. Now, if I ever again see you type "Gold pls admin" in your chat box, I'm going to- *OW OW OW STOP IT!!!*

Had fun at Polygon earlier today.

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What if I wasn't so cute? And what if the 10 Crystal Boxes were brought back?

Has anytanki noticed that notanki ever says "Wow, the judges sure got it all right! Every one of the winners deserved to win!" Maybe there's just the slightest tinge of... oh, I don't know... IMPOSSIBILITY there? Or maybe... IMMATURITY?

1. I am a pony. 2. You want to remove the ponies from the articles. Therefore, you want to remove me. :( :( :(

AAARG.

Thanks for the complement. Now kindly explain what you mean by "ditching the pony references". :angry:

You know what I meant. She was a regular crying machine.

I'm just plain cute. Whether that makes me any of the three titles is uncertain.

Are you kidding me? You should've seen Rainbow Dash when the release date for the next Daring Do novel got bumped ahead three weeks. The girl became an ocean.

An interesting peek into human sleep behavior. When ponies have nightmares, they simply petition my Aunt Luna to remove them.

I would cry harder than anypony has ever cried before.

As a little pupa living in the Changeling Hive, I had only two things on my mind: eating and not making Chrysalis angry. Both were essential to my survival, and surviving was all I cared about. Then, when fled and took refuge with Celestia, I realized how much life has to offer. The time I spend with my family and friends, the happy memories I can make and savor, and the love I can give to the world provides more fulfillment than I am capable of comprehending. It all makes me happy enough to pop. I also realized who and what I am. I am a unique individual with a special set of gifts and talents, and a desire to use them to the fullest. That desire is not unique to me. Every pony and every human has a little something they wish for, a goal they want to accomplish, a dream they want more than anything to see happen. That dream motivates their every word and deed, and the hope that someday, somehow they might experience the joy of achieving it puts them to sleep each night with a smile on their face. My dream is to create written works of art that enrich the lives of everypony who reads them. I have been plotting and planning and working and wishing for this to come true for a very long time. Along the way, I have learned the importance of maintaining a firm grip on reality as I pursue my dreams. This is a lesson I am trying to teach to my friend Chocolate Cherry. She longs to be a professional Tanki player with an unspeakable passion. You think you’re obsessed? The girl tattooed a Hornet and a Railgun onto her left cheek. BY HERSELF. Her mother saw it and nearly... well, better keep this family-safe. When the smoke cleared, I invited Chocolate Cherry to the local café for a meal and a heart-to-heart talk about pursuing her dreams. She listened with a smirk on her face, and her little plush Gold Box held close, as I tried to get through to her: 1. You must know what your dream is based on. My dream is based on the ability I have to express myself in written word and my desire to show love to everypony. When I was younger, I dreamt of becoming a professional hoofball player. I had never even played hoofball, but I saw some guy who looked pretty cool galloping across the field to make a touchdown, so I naturally wanted a piece of that action. The problem with that hoofball dream was that I had nothing substantial to base it on. I lacked (and still lack!) the athletic physique necessary to compete in such an exerting sport, which was a pretty good indication that I was never truly meant for it. Thank goodness! You must be sure that what you want and what you’re capable of are in the same ballpark. If not, you’ll chase that dream only to find disappointment. 2. You must keep your priorities straight. So you’re twenty-one years old and you want to become a professional gamer? Good for you! Do you have a solid income that will cover your expenses? Do you have reliable transportation? How about a place to rest your head at night? Have you spent time with the ones who care about you? I don’t mean to be a killjoy, but I have to agree with what your mother has been screaming into your headphone-laden ear: keeping food in your belly and a roof over your head is what’s important now. You can’t be the next NukemDukem if you die of starvation. And don’t take the lazy route by mumbling “Well, my mom cooks me dinner every night and I sleep in the basement when I get home from jamming with my garage band.” Yeah. Way to be an adult there, Ms. Independent. I can understand if you’re twelve years old, but if you’re old enough to legally play Saint’s Row and your Dad is dropping subtle little hints, like tacking an apartment brochure to your forehead, then it’s time to get off your flanks and make something of yourself. Benefitting from what someone else made without putting in any of your own effort is the definition of a parasite. Not hatin’, just sayin’. 3. Plan, Pursue, Persist. You need to PLAN how you will PURSUE your goal of professional gaming while still living comfortably on your own. You rolled your eyes when I said “plan”. Your plan is 1.) Become a pro gamer, 2.) Enjoy being a pro gamer. It’d be nice if I could wake up one morning, clap my hooves, and instantly become the next Syd Field. Unfortunately, that’s not going to happen; there’s a little more work involved. No one ever failed because they made a plan. They failed because they failed to plan. You need to sit down and think about what you are trying to accomplish. Do some research. You've memorized every tip and trick to help you win, so now you need to read about keeping a job, budgeting your money, and maintaining a home. Learn how to support yourself. Put the two topics together, and voila, there’s your plan. Follow it persistently. * * * * * * * * It was hard to tell if my sermon had any effect on Cherry. She never lost that indignant little smirk that says “You have no idea what you are talking about, but I’ll humor you by giving you a bit of attention.” She tells herself that to ward off the nagging voice in her head that says He’s right, you know. She has her way that she wants to do things, but sadly, that way is not realistic. You cannot pursue a dream life without first living a sensible life. You must have a starting point, a launch pad, if you will, from which to build and progress. Your dreams are what you live and breathe for. They put the spring in your step and the glow in your heart. Please don’t starve to death because you pursued them incorrectly.

I use a little glass box with a polychromic spell encased inside. We call it a module. The display is a flat black panel with a monochromic hybrid spell spread over the surface. It takes three unicorns to make a computer kit!

I'm only a candidate for three more days, buddy. 0.

I'm laughing so hard about this that I'm crying; I just wet my keyboard, darn. I really need to get Pinkie Pie over here so she can see. She'll love it. Oh, and 0, by the way. My poor stomach! :lol:

Why are you so surprised that other, similar planets exist? :lol:

Cute.

Hard to say, when my own mother and aunt are technically "celebrities" :lol: I'd go with Sparkleworks. She's an amazing singer, and she's become so popular in such a short time.