Review [Issue 16] Behind the Breaking News: September

[Lhamster 4,081]

I'm attempting to continue GoldRock's brilliant series looking at the breaking news, with the help of hog. I will try to do it justice, but it will be quite hard to reach the high standards set in previous articles.

 

 

 

There doesn't seem to be much breaking news this month, it appears the writers have finally realised how to glue the news together!

 

- Do not take this article seriously; it is very difficult to do so anyway.
- Any apparent reference to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental and unintentional.

 

27th August – Rules for Clans and Teams have changed.

 

I do hope we all looked away while they did this, or they may feel a bit embarrassed. Ah well, I guess its their fault for not using a changing room!

 

Prof Mike K. K.'s protégé, a certain 99 year old flae, was on hand to offer his opinions: “hhhh now we get guns and we go beat dem crazy ruski people at their own game xaxaxaxa”

 

30th August – Changes to the forum

 

A new category called 'Pub' appeared, prompting rumours that Tanki was expanding its shop and selling items such as beer glasses, and its own brand of beverage, called “Real Viking Ale” with recommendations that it be chilled by a freeze for 10 seconds before consumption.

 

A new forum for Creativity appeared too, with the devs saying it was to get the creative juices flowing, although the cleaners aren't too happy about the sticky mess it leaves on the floor.

 

1st September – Issue 15 is out

 

Finally, some news in September! Our worries that the Breaking News Team had broken up is relieved with some things to read about on our pages. In this issue the humour contest results were out, and a certain 19-year old member who likes jamming music (don't know how I worked that out), who is part of the breaking news team (of the confusing titles fame) managed to win first place (yup, they did something right for once!), with the 'Biggest Groan Award' going to gazatron30.

 

Uhhh, we've ran out of breaking news... Lets take a look at some of the things that have happened, but haven't been carelessly broken!

 

Discount on Tankmen's Day

 

Discount, discount.. happy days for some, but this of course led to many people whacking their computer screens yelling "WAT TO GET", or the regular wail of "Waaaahhhh I don't have enough crystals". If you've had a harrowing experience at a sale that wasn't your fault, you could claim compensation! Please write to us at imuselessatsaving@gimmecrystals.com and we'll send you a free envelope with nothing inside! Unfortunately, there have been no reported cases of us having to do this, due to the reason that the sale experience is always your fault. Ah well. It was worth a try.

 

International Video Blog is out!

 

This was a great success, with the players enjoying seeing Semyon "The Arm Waver" Kirov presenting his first video blog, and the devs relishing the chance to practice their 'inglish'. One player (or animal, depends on what your opinion of him is), who will remain anonymous, summed it up perfectly, saying:
 

Brilliant! All we need now is a female CM and everyone's happy. :lol:

 

Open testing of new physics for hulls

 

Well, clearly the hull's new physics teacher must be a pretty wacky guy, considering the utter craziness of the hulls now. It looks like the first lesson was an experiement on how hyperactive the hulls could get, with the new teacher grabbing one of the Wasps, stuffing sugar down its throat, and wheelie-ing it round the classroom to drive home his point that Einstein was wrong about e=mc². Ah well, maybe the sugar rush will have ended by the time of the release. Or our Wasps might actually transform into literal wasps - flying about and everything.

 

Product Kits for all ranks

 

So I checked the Developers news topic, just to check out what the news is. Product Kits were released for all ranks. Reaction: NIce! Prodigi is now available in a kit at Second Lieutenant. Reaction: Uh, not so nice. A 99-year-old flea gets 137 likes on one of his posts. Reaction: WHAT DA, IS DIS FOR REAL, MY EYES BETRAY ME!!!

 

Ah well, at least there's equality now. I mean, having 50% off kits only for the low ranks is just plain segregation, right?

 

Lucky Seven Tournament is back!

 

It's bigger, its greater, its faster.. its generally just, you know, better.  Hopefully, we're one of the seven lucky clans to take part...or not. Ah, its the "Fail Title Syndrome" again, and its even spread over to the official news. There are no lucky seven clans, not even seven lucky games or even seven lucky crystals. Its just called Lucky Seven, because 7 players play for each team, and as seven is a lucky number, both teams have luck! Err just as a side-note, if both teams have luck, then neither team is lucky because the other team has luck too, which means that the luck doesn't actually count as luck... You followed that, right? Well, at least it means that the equality spreads here too, as now, UNLIMITED clans can join the tournament!

 

 

Farewell to Moon Silence!

 

I must admit, I can't say I'll miss this map. The best thing I (Hog) ever did in this map is when I drove Lham off the side of the map when he was about to capture the flag. Problem was, he was on my team... oh well. It was stlil awesome! :lol: I (Lham) promptly got my revenge, using items from my 3vil armoury such as "Mammoth", "Twins" and "Drugs".  And with this farewell, we get a triple gold box in the map, with a 150% chance for it to drop, and even 50 of each supply if we get one! Woohoo. But still not enough mtivation to make me play in Moon Silence. I would say good riddance to this awful map that somehow always manages to flip me onto my backside, but this is an official article so, my final words will be:

"Bye Moon Silence. I'll miss you. NOT."

 

 

 

 

  and

[hogree 4,179]

I (Lham) promptly got my revenge, using items from my 3vil armoury such as "Mammoth", "Twins" and "Drugs". 

 

In return, I equipped the tank in my garage with the highest life... co-incidentally, M0 mammoth.  :blush:

 

Great fun doing this, just noting to you guys that if you find a funny bit, it was probably written by me :D

[VectorSierra 199]

How 3vil are you?!? :o

[Lhamster 4,081]

In return, I equipped the tank in my garage with the highest life... co-incidentally, M0 mammoth.  :blush:

 

Great fun doing this, just noting to you guys that if you find a funny bit, it was probably written by me :D

Er, no. We both wrote funny lines :P

 

How 3vil are you?!? :o

Extremely.

[Beerme 106]

Er, no. We both wrote funny lines :P

 

Extremely.

lham ur about as funny as watching paint dry

and regarding 3vilness well you just got demoted

[Lhamster 4,081]

and regarding 3vilness well you just got demoted

All part of the secret 3vil plan  :ph34r:

[GoldRock 6,165]

Great job, got some really funny bits in there! Only thing is, I'd avoid overusing the troll quotes (since I'd already used them frequently myself), otherwise that particular humour would get a little repetitive. But that's nothing much, really - nice work ^_^

[MusicJam19 737]

Yeah guys, sorry I have not written any news in a long time. Starting from now, I will try to write the news everytime something important happens (unless i get fired) and I hope crash will contribute too

[BoRn.To.Be.WiLd 29]

best Article good job :D

[JonathanBernatowicz 119]

Well-written and humourous article! :)

[B_E_S_T_M_A_N 5]

soon :rolleyes: