Other [Issue 25] The Dictator - Tanki's Finest News Source

[GoldRock 6,165]

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests... anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. But what about all the stuff which happened this month which you may not know about? Well, here's a summary of this month's more exciting events, which may or may not have actually happened. But that's a different matter altogether. Enjoy!

Chefs complain Firebird's burn effect "isn't quick enough".

An important issue has recently been brought to light by the culinary gurus of our community. For those who know less about the matter, it takes 4 seconds for a Firebird to heat a tank to full temperature. Once fully heated, a number of damage points will be taken away per second, starting from 10 and slowly decreasing to 0 - this can happen for just over 60 seconds. However, our top community chefs have been quick to highlight the problems they have been having with this.

'The Ironclads' have been around for longer than anyone can remember, and they certainly have a couple of experienced Firebird users. One decorated chef, BlastyTeeTwelve (who won the Firebird category for the recent Comic Captions contest), elaborates: "Firebird's fine for cooking up some nice afternoon snacks, y'know, a few crispy Wasps and Hornets. But it doesn't heat things up to a very high temperature, and it means that drugged Mammoth now takes a really long time to cook". But apparently the problems are even worse than we thought. "This also means it takes aaaages to cook up a certain little piggy-and-hamster delicacy. The pork element isn't too bad, since I can usually fry hog's favoured Hornet without much trouble, but that hamster takes some cooking if he decides to show off his expensive M3 Titan".

And this leaves a stark warning for us all. Let's not forget Firebird's cheaper counterpart, Freeze. Freeze has a significantly faster reload time, which would lead to a faster process. This could act as a temptation for many players, despite its lower damage. "On reflection, it might be quicker to whip up some iced piggy rather than a piggy barbecue" BlastyTeeTwelve muses. "I'd better test that". No-one has heard from Mr. Hog in the past few days.

Players just don't react "dramatically enough" to gold boxes anymore, experts claim.

Picture this. It's a sunny day, you're sitting inside and playing Tanki - when suddenly, the gold box notification appears. How do you react? Disappointingly, according to the latest statistics revealed by detailed research. "When a gold box notification appears, 97% of players remain seated and continue to play the game" explains one expert, exasperated. "How are things meant to be exciting if players keep their heads?"

The experts have also raised suspicions that the 3% who do not remain seated weren't sitting down in the first place and so continue to play, further fuelling concerns that players might actually be normal people. "Tanki is not just a game!" shouts another of these experts. "Over 90% of players have a perfectly comfortable floor to fall onto, why can't they react to this life-changing notification properly? Cardiac arrest would be ideal, but we'd accept kidney failure too".

Some have suggested the removal of gold boxes altogether until they are 'appreciated' more by players. "Guys, if you're going to be boring and just sit there like gold boxes don't actually matter that much, then there will be consequences" conclude the experts. "It's almost like you're just not appreciating huge bonuses like gold boxes, 25% sales and flashy holiday paints anymore". However, the experts did end on a positive note, pointing out that a certain test subject known as ThreeRobby did run around like a headless chicken upon seeing the notification, and subsequently offered to hug everyone (whether or not this was something he'd actually do anyway is disputed).

"El Hamster" takes one step closer to world domination.

Alongside the new additions to the Reporter staff, another change also surreptitiously took place - a long-time member of the team known only as "El Hamster" was promoted to an administrator position. Some claim this shady character hopped over to America and held fellow admin Conan at gunpoint during the short procedure. No comments have been made by Conan on the matter.

Whilst the older Reporters knew better than to protest against this seizing of power, some of the candidate Reporters were intrigued by the nature of this mastermind. When El Hamster revealed that lives at the "3vil Planning Towers, Lhamsterville", a certain Mr. Kirby dared to question the existence of such a place. And a fellow candidate Reporter, who wishes to be addressed as Lord Harel, went one step further; he seemed to doubt the all-powerful authority of El Hamster, even going on to state that "Hamster isn't scary..."

El Hamster's rather eloquent response to this challenge was "He'll soon wish he never applied". Rumours that a minus sign has been placed in front of Lord Harel's pay for this newspaper issue are currently unconfirmed.

Study determines that English clans "need to get better if they're going to improve".

After weeks of hard work, a team of experts has finally managed to make the breakthrough we've all been waiting for. As Professor Flea, who has just reached the mature age of 99 this year, puts it: "The EN clans need to start getting better if they're planning on improving any time in the near future. Our estimates state that EN clans will begin to improve roughly 0 seconds after they begin to get better, but this process needs to start in order for the improvement to take place". He later expanded on this statement: "i used a dictionary ok, no cry pls".

A few days after we obtained this statement, Professor Flea reported an assassination attempt to the Tanki Online moderation force. Allegedly, he was sent a canister of flea repellent in the post, which detonated upon the parcel being opened; the professor narrowly managed to escape the noxious fumes that ensued. The FBI later issued a public statement: "Upon reaching the crime scene, we found that the canister had been labelled. We are currently looking into this incident".

According to rumours, the label read: DNS IGN G.U.N. Such rumours, however, have not yet been confirmed.

Supplies sent at random to players "not because the developers were drunk".

Interestingly, some players who had purchased a clan's paint for the recent clan tournament reported receiving supplies before the tournament's conclusion. Some say they merely received a few First Aids, with others claiming to have received up to 500 Nitros. However, new light has been shed onto this matter after insider reports that Mr. Simone Keerove "enjoyed a few glasses of beer" during the course of the first stream of the tournament - Noobest vs. Can't Stop.

As a result of this, suspicions have arose that after the stream, the developers (who may have had a bit too much to drink) forgot that the supplies were to be added after the superfinal on August 8th, and decided to try adding the supplies to the player's accounts, with amusing consequences.

When asked about this issue, CyberSport guru Nick responded: "These claims are nonsense. I can also absolutely confirm that this issue wasn't a result of my cat going across my keyboard, either. Definitely not." After rumours that an experienced American commentator had enquired about the developer's vodka supplies in advance of the second stream, an official statement was also released by Mr. Keerove: "We don't *hic* drink *hic* vodka , man."

Edited July 31, 2017 by Hexed

[Lhamster 4,081]

This is brilliant, especially that 3rd one! :lol:

[EatYourMeat 27]

Love it GoldRock! its so hilarious lol

[ognjen556 231]

This is brilliant, especially that 3rd one! :lol:

:ph34r:  Where is conan, where did you hide him? xD

[SSLegend99 9]

Great news source! I wonder why we don't have more of these articles. ;)

[Guest Maserati]

This is brilliant, especially that 3rd one! :lol:

lol i agree :p

[TheLonelyEpic 212]

I really enjoy these goldyrocks great sense of humour. :P Keep up your great work, you've always been my second favourite reporter. :P  :ph34r:

Edited August 9, 2014 by TheLonelyEpic

[Aero.v2.0 1,456]

Work of art!

[unholycloak5 1,814]

Best. Article. Ever.

[mitropam 18]

You might very well turn out to be the next late night talk show guy at some point, at this rate! :P

[chitta123 18]

what a article..man i love your writing..keep up the good work :D

[Rob 141]

Great article, Keep up the good work, Goldie!

[Tofu 6,773]

one word- AWESOME

[nexx_mowarek 35]

You have a really great sense of humour! Really nice article!

[hogree 4,179]

This is why you don't need me for humour...

 

[Mr.I3oSS 557]

Best. Article. Ever. :D

Cant say no more

[Pathfinder 1,690]

Wow, only just read this, good job!

[fahim_the_boss 1,519]

You spelled Seymon Kirov, wrong, sorry for bringing the mistake here :P you wrote Simoone Kirov

[fahim_the_boss 1,519]

 

 

Mr. Simone Keerove "enjoyed a few glasses of beer" during the course of the first stream of the tournament - Noobest vs. Can't Stop

Lol Mr. Simone Keerove Edited August 11, 2014 by fahim_the_boss

[7919zola 252]

No no no Mr. Simone, *shakes finger back and forth in disapproval* no drinking in this forum.  :P

[lordmostafa 3,821]

 Mr. Keerove: "We don't *hic* drink *hic* vodka , man."

LOL this made me laugh so hard LOL great job Goldy, awesome work.

[tweezers 1,034]

Absolutely B.R.I.L.L.I.A.N.T.

but we're greedy goldrock.

You know what to do

[tweezers 1,034]

:D

[jack2b111 130]

i love it

[lukey0 27,543]

Wow that was great GoldRock very funny I enjoyed reading it.