Other [Issue 27] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - September

[GoldRock 6,165]

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests... anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. But what about all the stuff which happened this month which you may not know about? Well, here's a summary of this month's more exciting events, which may or may not have actually happened. But that's a different matter altogether. Enjoy!

Gold: Make sure you check out the contest related to this series which is in this issue - enjoy!
Hog: Do remember to give your feedback, and shout out which piece in this issue's selection of reports is the best! From that, we will be able to know what themes you readers most enjoy.

Rumours that players' 'Real photo' pictures are actually real hit the forum.
By @GoldRock

Over the past few weeks, many forum members were shocked as discussion heated up in the Real Photo discussion topic, with some brave players even daring to claim that the photos they have uploaded are genuine. This revelation has obviously been met with disbelief, with responses to such players including "am not quite sure that you are real" (0 upvotes), "you are a fake until proven otherwise" (0 upvotes) and "I just came here to read the comments" (10 upvotes).

With this disbelief having garnered so much support, I approached our analysts who were on the ground to assess the situation. After thoroughly searching the topic, they could conclude that the majority of the EN community are indeed fakers. "Heather15905 has posted waaay too many times so he must be fake" claimed the concluding report. "Any real players would clearly not enjoy the sight of their own face so much."

"Not to mention that Mr. Hoggie has contributed 6 of his own photos which we KNOW are all FAKE, because we have intelligence informing us that he is, and has always been, a domestic pig. This is further supported by his recent encouragement for readers to Eat Chicken - this cunning mammal is clearly attempting to protect his own species in the process."

"And the final straw was when a player known only as Mia posted a photo proving that both herself and a certain holy being are actually hybrid Annoying Oranges." the analysts added. "We suspected that not all Reporters are human, and our suspicions are coming true - first Archy, and now hog. Who knows, maybe Lord Harel will even admit he's a Nug, the way things are going..."

---

The Voice behind the Glasses - the secret of Semyon's accent revealed!
By @hogree

"What are we waiting for?! Let's get going!" Whatever the weather, rain or shine, hearing Semyon's voice always makes my day feel a lot happier. The pungency of a spectacled man with a pleasantly strong Russian accent clearly keen on sounding animated while presenting an Video Blog in English - it fits the bill of an ideal replacement for "The Big Bang Theory" on a Friday afternoon. 
 
Reports this month have given details for the first time on the background to Semyon's marked pronunciation. According to rumours spreading around the lower EN servers, his keen outgoing lilting tone is related to an incident during his younger life. An investigator from The Dictator decided to go undercover this month in Server EN17 and came back, flustered, with shocking news to bring us regarding this important issue.
 
It was said, so our investigator claimed (his eyes fluttering from side to side), that the man who we know today as Semyon Kirov previously was a Russian General of the Army, promoted at the mere age of 17. On his first mission in charge, leading a group of men into the Siberian jungle; he encountered the Russian equivalent of Lhamster, Лхамстер, who told him his destiny and left him in a cage for a year. His only refuge was inside the cage where there was a radio constantly playing BBC Radio Two. The words sunk into his heart, the English accent becoming something he longed to conquer, as he practised it with an imaginary friend he set up in the corner of a cage. When he left, he bought a blond wig, a pair of red spectacles, a new ID under his new name of Semyon Kirov, and became the community manager of the English Community. Although the English way of talking is now as familiar to him as the back of his hand, he still is yet to conquer the accent.
 
The words were striking. Investigations are being carried out as we speak to look into Semyon's background in more detail. Oh, and by the way, I thought it is interesting to note that our investigator was Vikingsrall. Four prominent letters in his name? I, R, A and L. Unscramble at your own discernment.

---

Running out of ideas? Here's our predictions for future 'Tanki World Records'!
By @GoldRock

Want to set a Tanki record, yet don't know what record you can set? Struggling to find anything you're actually good at? We're happy to help, and so we've come up with a list of records we think should be put forward in the foreseeable future. Enjoy!

- Longest surviving insect ever to inhabit the forum - flea99.
- Most posts ever made - IAmTheFBI.
- Most posts ever made criticising IAmTheFBI - Selena21212.
- Best comeback to criticism ever made - Hazel-Rah, ft. "Nobody Cares!" .
- Most pro player ever: JayJayFourOneOh.
- Most pull-ups ever done by any player in one go: Lord Harel, with a record 0.5 pull-ups.
- Best Reporter ever to have existed: GoldRock.
- Most modest Reporter ever to have existed: GoldRock.
- Best admins ever, who will give the best Reporter ever the prestigious Helper paint ASAP: El Hamster + Conan.
- Best grammar skills ever: kanadarools.

Allegedly, upon this list being subsequently submitted to the Tanki World Record judge and Consultant MarineManTwo for review, his response was: "Hello, thank you for your PM. Please e-mail help@tankionline for help with your problem, they will surely have a solution. In the meantime, make sure you follow the Rules! ~ MM2." However, this rumour is currently unconfirmed.

---

"Not-So-Smart Cooldowns" make a grand entry as players react to an update of divided opinions.
By @hogree

"So, what happened this month?"
"I don't know, mate, what happened?"
"Something to do with being Smart, I think, mate."
"Oh, so it can't be anything to do with you then."
*pause for effect*
"Oh, I remember. It was something to do with, you know, those drug things."
"Oh. Yeah. That. Fat lot of good, that was."
"Oh, so it must have been something to do with you then."

*pause for effect again*

 
Perhaps a friendly chat between two great buddies during the month. It was, of course, the month where smart cooldowns appeared on our servers for the very first time. A mixed reception would be an understatement. An overwhelming number of Generallisimos appeared on the forum to express the disapproval of the game they played which had removed once and for all the Drug Wars that gave them the rush that kept them playing. Massive numbers of players threatened to leave - numerous Arabs who had spent thousands in the game. Famous names such as MonkeyMagic, Mr.Dreyar, the wendeta family, and many of the old-school Freeze-Mammoth Arabs from before the rebalance expressed their dislike - no, hate - of this, surely up there with the original rebalance as one of the most controversial updates in Tanki's history. Even the chicken shop from down the road went on strike in protest, causing the entire street to set up camp in the middle of the road in an organised protest against smart cooldowns.
 
There were numerous defendants however. Players like Lord-of-the-Snipers and MrTactics were keen to assert their belief of how this update would improve the gameplay of Tanki significantly. Others were keen to support the cause, with Zeus374 claiming "this will help less people get brain cancer because now there is smart cooldowns so they are smart." Others were happy, but for less wholesome reasons, JustLikeReventon happily posting a picture of an Exit Door in reply to the numerous Generallisimos threatening to leave. Not to mention some golden comments from Hazel-Rah - they need not be mentioned here, because nobody cares. [Yeah, I stole that, Gold.]
 
In one of the more coherent messages sent through to us at The Dictator,  we received a letter under the title of "stupid heatups" complaining about the issue of smart cooldowns and giving a reason as to why they thought it was released. The message read as following:
"dear mr and mrs hogree goldrock i see the update smart cooldowns and i think bad so i say pls remove i want to hit numbers all at same time where is freedom this is taking away human rights ok pls reconsider oh and why create update which makes all people which buy leave and all little people happy i think tanki people must go swimming in vodka swimming pool yesterday please shut down vodka swimming pool and then pls i want war of drugs." Ah. Vodka Swimming Pool. That explains it all.

---

Are Fatal Errors really gone? A shocking event forced us to think otherwise...
By @GoldRock

Picture this. You're in a Combe CTF with friends on both teams, the score is 3-2 in flags to your team and there's 5 minutes left on the clock. Suddenly, everyone's ping shoots up to 999 (whilst your FPS remains at 60), you move around as the players around you jump about... and then the game freezes. The game unfreezes for a few seconds, just enough for a few dozen M3 Twins projectiles to inadvertently fly across the map from the turret of a lagging friend all at the same time, and hurl you from the map (much to the amusement of your friends); and then the game re-freezes, leaving you stuck below the map. Your friends have a discussion in the server chat and roll their eyes at the frozen game, then gradually leave one by one. You try to type something in the battle chat a few times, and it doesn't show up - and soon you're the only one left in the battle.

The game unfreezes, you instantly get warned and banned for flood for 5 minutes at the same time, then the battle ends 30 seconds later, and worse of all, you receive 107 less crystals than the available fund. This terrible event is what happened to me just a few days ago, and I spent the next half an hour ranting about the 107 crystals I should've got in the EN Staff Social Room whilst my fellow staff members tried their best not to laugh too hard replied with exclamations of deep horror and sympathy.

So, what's my point? My point is that Mr. Val and I, after having gone through this sequence of events, realised it was all a conspiracy. Considering that I was banned and cheated of crystals just after all other players had left the battle, we could only determine one thing...

The terror that is the Fatal Error is alive and well. It will come and destroy you when you are alone, afraid and helpless, just like it did to me. And it won't even leave a polite error message this time. You will be left almost as devastated as I was upon losing 107 crystals and receiving a 5 minute flood ban. Hide your families, unplug your computer and smash your wireless router into as many pieces as you can, preferably with an oversized sledgehammer. Otherwise, prepare to face your doom.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

---

Rumours spread of a suspicious "M8" modification being developed as a global craze begins.
By @hogree

We've all heard of M4 before, but some members of the English Community are taking things to a whole new level. Call Micro-Upgrades and tell them to book the next flight to Antarctica, because their lives are as good as over. If those are Micro-Upgrades, these are Macro. As magazine "Server 1 Banter" phrases so rightly, it's a "big development m8". 
 
The "m8 global phenomenon" is spreading like wildfire, and discussions have been taking place quite fervently over how Mate really should be spelt. GoldRock prefers "Meight" (He says it's meighty). Everyone else prefers "m8". It's that simple. The ambassadors of the cause, Okle7 and Mr.Disgrace, said this when I quizzed them regarding what they thought this phenomenon might be able to accomplish. "forget global warming. this is the future m8."

 

Demonstrations have been taking place all around the globe for m8 to be added to the official English Dictionary. Two main supporters of the cause, Whitee and Therider, reportedly had m8 body tattoos written al over their body and ran round New York City naked for nearly ten minutes. According to our reporters in Central America, the Mexican President has decided to change the name of his country to "M8exico" in support of the cause. Even in the Tanki Headquarters, Semyon's "Blow 'Em Up" Tanki T-Shirt was spray-painted on in the night, for him to realise when he woke up the next morning that there was two massive characters sprayed onto his shirt. Guess what it might have read? m7. Great troll, Hazel.

 

Well, to close, all I can say is buckle up and brace yourselves people. A m8storm is on it's way.

---

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

July 2014

August 2014

Edited July 31, 2017 by Hexed

[MarineMan2 1,164]

Give yourselves a pat on the back Goldy and Hog, yet another extremely well done article. Ha, was absolutely great. *thumbs up*

[Meliora 1,652]

 

 

"So, what happened this month?"

"I don't know, mate, what happened?"

"Something to do with being Smart, I think, mate."

"Oh, so it can't be anything to do with you then."

*pause for effect*

"Oh, I remember. It was something to do with, you know, those drug things."

"Oh. Yeah. That. Fat lot of good, that was."

"Oh, so it must have been something to do with you then."

*pause for effect again*

 

 

A m8storm is on it's way.

A few of my highlights, as well as the Tanki World Record bit.

[Reeco9 1,567]

The Dictator living up to its credibility as usual...

Great article and looking forward to the next issue :)

 

 

TLDR; gud post m8

 

[lordmostafa 3,821]

:lol:

You always crack me up on voice, well done guys, again :)

[JJ410 221]

well done on this great article guys! I see my name in there  :wub:  :ph34r: ( well at least i hope it is  :lol: )

Edited October 3, 2014 by JJ410

[FaaiqBilal1 795]

gud artikle m8

[jokersus.cava 1,503]

hog's posts are very very great and lovely as always :wub:

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Nice one as always!

[Lord-of-the-Snipers 1,620]

Nice article, but it could use a small edit.

 

There better be some blank space behind "There were numerous defendants however. Players like Lord-of-the-Snipers and MrTactics were keen to assert their belief of how this update would improve the gameplay of Tanki significantly."

By doing so, in the nearby future there can be easily added: "And as we all know by now, they were right"

 

That 's all! :P

[hogree 4,179]

"And as we all know by now, they were right"

[Lord-of-the-Snipers 1,620]

Well, I 'm not going to argue with the Clint...that 's for sure! :)

[trombone_ftw 734]

What must I do to get my name in this wonderful series?

[I.Devastation 2,053]

<33

[Lord-of-the-Snipers 1,620]

What must I do to get my name in this wonderful series?

Continue "spamming" the topic "Discussion of Turrets and Hulls" with the other usual suspects and

you might have a slight chance... :P

[lukey0 27,543]

Loved that read so humorous.  :lol:

[Kotooshu 30]

This "m8" is annoying me too much. Maybe I'll just go crazy and leave the English community and join the Russian fully, on forum, on chat, servers and etc. If this continues... It is really annoying. :angry:

[l.Godmode_0N 636]

haha :P 

[michael014 144]

This "m8" is annoying me too much. Maybe I'll just go crazy and leave the English community and join the Russian fully, on forum, on chat, servers and etc. If this continues... It is really annoying. :angry:

OK m8 no worries :-)

[pwhite 120]

I hope that whitee was not referring to me.

[flae88 948]

I hope that whitee was not referring to me.

He's referring to the generalissimo whitee

[Kotooshu 30]

OK m8 no worries :-)

No worries, I am going to the russian forum =)

[r_davinson46463a0 147]

No worries, I am going to the russian forum =)

bye m8