Other [Issue 29] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - November

[GoldRock 6,165]

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests, anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. But what about all the stuff which happened this month of which you may not know? Well, here's a summary of this month's more exciting events, which may or may not have actually happened. But that's a different matter altogether. Enjoy!

Gold:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-HUgzYPm9g

Hog: Yo, I won't be around next month for the Dictator; off on holiday - so if you don't want to read next issue, it's completely understandable. Oh, and if you see any strange or mildly amusing events during the month, send them over to the rock of gold and he should make something out of them.
 

---

999 Flag Battles + Triple Battle funds = Much Crystals.
By @GoldRock
 
This weekend, right after I'd planned out exam revision, Tanki coincidentally decided to triple all battle funds. So, despite the fact that I did end up spending most of the weekend pretending to revise but really spying on the various battles going on throughout Server 1, it was interesting to witness the intense and glorious showdowns taking place for funds which even broke the 1 million crystal mark on a number of occasions. In one such battle, I joined with Spectator only to notice two other Spectators doing exactly the same thing as me i.e. using the mode to further the cause of procrastination, something which it's fair to say I'm pretty talented at. 
 
That awkward moment when 3 Spectators stumble across each other spying on the same battle.

After the other 2 Spectators had ran, I stayed for a bit - and inevitably, a gold notification soon appeared...



Interesting how players still want to fight over 1k crystals with a 1.4 million crystal fund at stake. Others who saw this picture also noted the Colonel-ranked Shaft user at the back of the pack, who was quite obviously preparing to shock everyone by somehow shooting himself into the air and flipping onto the gold.
 
Shaft users - understated, as always...
 
"Chemical Warfare" on the horizon as "experiment" causes explosive reaction.
By @hogree
 
Well, well, well. Three holes in the ground. An incredible month all round as the Tanki developers took their New Year Resolutions early and went for an all-change - and to be honest, the shockwaves are still vibrating. No more crystal boxes, two Gold Box changes, Return of drug wars, Predictable Drops, Change of Isida effect, Planned night mode, larger funds, triple funds, chicken funds... let's just say we can safely announce that the amount of updates this month is over infinity times the amount of M3 Hunters Fen-Harel owns. cus 0 m3 hunters --> 0 x infinity = 0 --> teh updates > 0 --> thus updates > infinity. kden.
 
Reactions have been diverse, to put it lightly. Although some have supported the experiment from Day 1, there have been a number of emotional blackmails attempted to change Hazel-Rah's mind, not least the popular attempt of creating an emotional picture placarded with "R.I.P Crystal Boxes" in large font, preferably Size 64. However, not all the Tanki players are smart enough to use the loss of crystal boxes in such a tactical way to change the minds of the developers. In desperation, a player sent a message through to the Dictator, requesting that we talk to the developers saying "my room is full of water because the crystal boxes are blue and water is blue thus the water is in my room pls put crystal boxes back in the game". Not even Reeco9's exstreamly top-notch banter could sea river he was being serious.
 
We can announce though that war is certainly being threatened by some. Naturally, the reaction of the experiment undoubtedly results in some emission of heat - this time coming from the fiery tempers of the infuriated crystal box campers. Rumours have been floating around that a threat was sent to Semyon with the following detailed description of the rebel's threats. "I would like to request that Tanki Online delete the experiment, or else we will download mines off Tanki, and plant them in Tanki HQ. Yours sincerely, Chris." A couple of acrostics for Chris? Chilli Hoops Randomly Ice Skiing or Crystal Hunting Really Is Sad. Yeah, probably the first one.
Crystal boxes stolen? ask tankers, as conspiracy theories emerge.
By @GoldRock

As crystal boxes were recently removed from the game, many tankers attempted to explain just why the developers had to do this. No-one wants a boring explanation - so the devs' "it was based on player feedback" was soon disregarded in favour of more elaborate reasoning. 

As one expert surmised, the crystal boxes "just vanished like Fen does when you try to look up at him but see nothing because you remember he's too short".
 
Some claim that Godmode_ON took the crystal boxes as a ransom in his showdown with the developers for the return of full supplies battles, and then decided to keep them anyway because he could (after all, he does have Semyon's family hostage). Others feel that the global recession must have finally caught up with the game; as ReekoNine put it whilst waving his knife around for emphasis, "were hittin 'ard times yeah so i go kidnap jj and ask the staff to give crys" "i didnt choose the thuglyfe the thuglyfe chose me". 
 
JJFourOneOh has since mysteriously vanished, and a second of silence has reportedly been organised by all ex-CLAW members, after which the celebrations will begin. "Now I can finally be the big XP/BP pro instead of JJ pls" commented an unnamed Reporter called Rem.
Rumours of sabotage in Lan Finals spread after a suspected visit from the local hippopotamus farm.
By @hogree

"StarSeries? More like HippoSeries" headlined Server 1 Banter, after the shocking news of a hippo invasion hit the press just a few days ago. With the Finals closing with a fantastic showdown where Arcade once again took the victory, pipping eGuards to the title, it was not I.Shomaa and his friends that stole the limelight, but rather a slightly larger visitor. Our out-of-town secret Siberian spy member of the clan "Angels and Snowmans", FreeezeStyle, gave us a detailed report of the scenes. Unfortunately, it was in Russian. So we didn't understand a word of it. 
 
In our search to discover the truth, we hired a world-class translator to help break the truth to us, only for us to realise after translation that all the poor fellow had been saying was that he wanted a hot chicken wing. Seems like he'd been on cold turkey. *wink wink* "Fair play", we thought; before LIGHT-BULB! Maybe the hippo wanted a chicken wing too! However, that theory was soon found out by the shocking fact that the hippo did not actually enjoy the taste of chicken. Which led us on to our second theory. Perhaps it had mental problems?
 
However, the local Russian newspapers clearly favoured more controversial theories, with one Russian reporter suggesting that unable-to-attend 4th position clan, Dawn of War, hired the hippopotamus to push the building all the way to Ukraine so that they could play, being closer to home. What arguments against that theory, you ask? Perfectly reasonable suggestion. You're right. The only, perhaps, feasible down-point to the theory is the lack of chicken involved. But fortunately, a late amendment to the theory complied to common disapproval with a post-script that Dawn of War had stated. "Note: The hippopotamus must be surrounded by seventeen chickens to show our support for the new charity, Chickens for Life." Reports from America claim that Dawn of War have now been offered their own state and a Nobel Peace Prize for every member.
I have 1 minute to write this because 3 hours 59 minutes ago, Conan said he was going to publish in 4 hours, whether finished or not...
By @GoldRock

...long story. Heh.
 
but i get out of jail free pls hog big mad ok because now he has to go write his last piece hhh

Investigation begins on New Reporters after conspiracy theories appear from the ashes...
By @hogree

kevred plus thekillerpenguin plus remaine equals 3. kevred has 6 letters. remaine does not count. thekillerpenguin plus kevred equals 2 people. 6 divide 2 equals 3. 3 corners of loominati triangle. thus new reporters is loominati. loominati confirmed. hundred percent confirmed. k den gold. ggwp
If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

July 2014

August 2014

September 2014

October 2014

Edited July 30, 2017 by Hexed

[Reeco9 1,567]

 

Reactions have been diverse, to put it lightly. Although some have supported the experiment from Day 1, there have been a number of emotional blackmails attempted to change Hazel-Rah's mind, not least the popular attempt of creating an emotional picture placarded with "R.I.P Crystal Boxes" in large font, preferably Size 64. However, not all the Tanki players are smart enough to use the loss of crystal boxes in such a tactical way to change the minds of the developers. In desperation, a player sent a message through to the Dictator, requesting that we talk to the developers saying "my room is full of water because the crystal boxes are blue and water is blue thus the water is in my room pls put crystal boxes back in the game". Not even Reeco9's exstreamly top-notch banter could sea river he was being serious.

 

 

...

 

 

Some claim that Godmode_ON took the crystal boxes as a ransom in his showdown with the developers for the return of full supplies battles, and then decided to keep them anyway because he could (after all, he does have Semyon's family hostage). Others feel that the global recession must have finally caught up with the game; as ReekoNine put it whilst waving his knife around for emphasis, "were hittin 'ard times yeah so i go kidnap jj and ask the staff to give crys" "i didnt choose the thuglyfe the thuglyfe chose me". 

 

 

Firstly, I can ashore you that my banter is to the highest standards. Secondly, I can confirm that the thug-life did indeed choose me, and that I will be holding JJ as hostage until it rains crystals on me again.

[Remaine 4,687]

I does not count.

[Thekillerpenguin 1,731]

By @hogree

 

kevred plus thekillerpenguin plus remaine equals 3. kevred has 6 letters. remaine does not count. thekillerpenguin plus kevred equals 2 people. 6 divide 2 equals 3. 3 corners of loominati triangle. thus new reporters is loominati. loominati confirmed. hundred percent confirmed. k den gold. ggwp

omg

 

hogree has 6 letters. there are 2 "e"s in it. 6 / 2 = 3. 3 corners of triangle, hog is loominati. hog is trying to divert suspicion from himself by calling others loominati. loominati confirmed.

---

On a serious note, this seems like a great issue of The Dictator. Nice job!

[lukey0 27,543]

Nice.

[crackgold2 399]

only artcicle i read ;p

great like always

Edited December 2, 2014 by crackgold2

[TNTRicohat 41]

amazing

[Hny93 112]

"Breaking news" A search warrant was give out days ago  to search all the premisses of tankionline offices due to many cases of both the youth and the adult suffering from heart attacks when the goldbox notifications is rang. The presiding officer who was given the authority to carry on the search said that he won't blink while searching for the goldbox notification in and out of the tankionline offices.

From another incident related to that,a young man was rushed to ICU  after he suffered from heart attack which he received after his boss fired him cos he lied to be sick not to attend his duties for two days due to the tripple battle funds tankionline had given out for two days,the boss was suspicious about the worker which lead him to go straight to his apartment shocking enough he caught his worker enjoying smashing other tanks in the dark room with his computer,immediately the boss entered in the workers room the goldbox notification rang but to make matters more worse the worker by name hogree didn't blink an eye until he heard the boss say "you're fired" leading to hogree missing the goldbox and fainted there and then,Hogree was rushed............to be continued. 

[eefschiet 17]

Investigation begins on New Reporters after conspiracy theories appear from the ashes...
By @hogree

kevred plus thekillerpenguin plus remaine equals 3. kevred has 6 letters. remaine does not count. thekillerpenguin plus kevred equals 2 people. 6 divide 2 equals 3. 3 corners of loominati triangle. thus new reporters is loominati. loominati confirmed. hundred percent confirmed. k den gold. ggwp
 

 

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Couldn't stop lauging XD

 

 

 

Edited December 2, 2014 by eefschiet

[Mr.I3oSS 557]

xd

[rothro3 50]

 

Investigation begins on New Reporters after conspiracy theories appear from the ashes...

By @hogree

 

kevred plus thekillerpenguin plus remaine equals 3. kevred has 6 letters. remaine does not count. thekillerpenguin plus kevred equals 2 people. 6 divide 2 equals 3. 3 corners of loominati triangle. thus new reporters is loominati. loominati confirmed. hundred percent confirmed. k den gold. ggwp

 

Nice Job Hogree!  Best one on the Dictator this month, though you need a little bit of help with math:P

[naca7 143]

Those are hilarious...

[keenk2n 18]

dictators always stole goldbox.... 

[aBdUlLaHkInGg 39]

Hmm,quite good :).

[Rth1131999 4]

lol

[2strong4u 14]

---

999 Flag Battles + Triple Battle funds = Much Crystals.

By @GoldRock

 

This weekend, right after I'd planned out exam revision, Tanki coincidentally decided to triple all battle funds. So, despite the fact that I did end up spending most of the weekend pretending to revise but really spying on the various battles going on throughout Server 1, it was interesting to witness the intense and glorious showdowns taking place for funds which even broke the 1 million crystal mark on a number of occasions. In one such battle, I joined with Spectator only to notice two other Spectators doing exactly the same thing as me i.e. using the mode to further the cause of procrastination, something which it's fair to say I'm pretty talented at. 

 

That awkward moment when 3 Spectators stumble across each other spying on the same battle.

 

After the other 2 Spectators had ran, I stayed for a bit - and inevitably, a gold notification soon appeared...

 

 

Interesting how players still want to fight over 1k crystals with a 1.4 million crystal fund at stake. Others who saw this picture also noted the Colonel-ranked Shaft user at the back of the pack, who was quite obviously preparing to shock everyone by somehow shooting himself into the air and flipping onto the gold.

 

Shaft users - understated, as always...

 

Crystal boxes stolen? ask tankers, as conspiracy theories emerge.

By @GoldRock

 

As crystal boxes were recently removed from the game, many tankers attempted to explain just why the developers had to do this. No-one wants a boring explanation - so the devs' "it was based on player feedback" was soon disregarded in favour of more elaborate reasoning. 

 

As one expert surmised, the crystal boxes "just vanished like Fen does when you try to look up at him but see nothing because you remember he's too short".

 

Some claim that Godmode_ON took the crystal boxes as a ransom in his showdown with the developers for the return of full supplies battles, and then decided to keep them anyway because he could (after all, he does have Semyon's family hostage). Others feel that the global recession must have finally caught up with the game; as ReekoNine put it whilst waving his knife around for emphasis, "were hittin 'ard times yeah so i go kidnap jj and ask the staff to give crys" "i didnt choose the thuglyfe the thuglyfe chose me". 

 

JJFourOneOh has since mysteriously vanished, and a second of silence has reportedly been organised by all ex-CLAW members, after which the celebrations will begin. "Now I can finally be the big XP/BP pro instead of JJ pls" commented an unnamed Reporter called Rem.

 

I have 1 minute to write this because 3 hours 59 minutes ago, Conan said he was going to publish in 4 hours, whether finished or not...

By @GoldRock

 

...long story. Heh.

 

but i get out of jail free pls hog big mad ok because now he has to go write his last piece hhh

 

LOL

[hogree 4,179]

^

[snipe3000 678]

 

 

 

Noone saw the generalissimo in the background

[anuclearbomb 220]

not really sure what to post...

[blackflag444 256]

eeeehhhhhhhh...................................... what????????????????...............................................................

[Raredust 454]

The last two reports belong on the wall of a kindergarten classroom. :o