Other [Issue 38] If the English Community switched planet...

[hogree 4,179]

 

Foreword: To all those mentioned in this article, don't take this seriously. Purely for entertainment purposes.

 

It was just your typical Friday evening in the English Community. Hordes of lunatics littering the streets to catch a glimpse of the bloke with a Question Mark glued to his head; street-sellers screaming out the most recent tasty piece of gossip about the increasingly on-the-ropes relationship between Sir Polygon and his flirtatious wife Ms CP. A bunch of rowdy 10-year-olds flooding the pavement surrounding an irate kid violently remonstrating regarding the blatant hacking involved in his most recent duel defeat; and an unassuming group of lads swaggering down to the local fast-food joint McDeathtrack's to order a Main of Hammerburgers, Hunter's Chicken and Smoky Fries with a side of decidedly average banter. Everything was rolling along just as expected. 

 

Then the aliens landed.

 

After the natural dosage of uproar that followed, it appeared to several desperate faces in the packed crowds that Mayor Simon Keerove had taken the loser's way out, succumbed Planet Earth to its rather interesting if not entertaining destiny, super-glued some wings onto his freshly-MU'd M4 Wasp and gone for the obvious Ctrl+Alt+Delete --> End Task get-out-of-jail-free manoeuvre. Smart people that the onlookers were, it seemed the obvious reaction to attach their figures to the underside of the pimped-up vehicle and attempt a stowaway stuck on to the bottom of their beloved mayor's inspired spaceship. Although there were desperate attempts from several members of local scientist team Dragons & Knights to delete the laws of physics, the mission ended dismally with all but pilot Simon himself dropping into the mosh of green slime and purple eyes below.

 

All seemed lost till Mr Keerove, smirking, casually reached into his pockets and unveiled the SuperGlue once again. Mind-blown, the onlookers gaped in awe as he proceeded to rub the contents onto the underside of the tank and called out in his alluring deep voice, "What are we waiting for? Let's get going." Stunned and overwhelmed by the complex science at work, no-one dared venture forwards until the trance was broken as liverpoolaum, curious, poked his head underneath the vehicle and commented, "nice". As if on cue, the entire community raced underneath and within seconds, they were in the air, flying into the unknown.

 

Seventeen hours into the journey, several passengers were becoming restless after finishing the 470th round of  "I.Spy with my little eye" and successfully completing "Count to a Million"; rumours were spreading that the navigators didn't have a clue what they were doing. "All they want is the dollar" muttered one. "Yeah, I mean, just look at how small the rewards have got for the Arm-wrestle Tournament. They don't care about us." And as if it had all been written in the closer-than-normal stars, a voice yelled out "Land-ho!" and lo and behold, the passengers swung round to see a red planet come into focus. Grinning proudly, chief navigator MarineMan2 shouted "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Nars!" "Wait, I thought it was called Mars." countered a confused passenger. MarineMan frowned. "That can't be right. I must have ranked up accidentally. Thought Mars only unlocked at Major General." Silence.

 

But Mars it was and after a slightly imperfect landing during which both wings smashed and canadarules's glue came off early causing him to crash headfirst into a rock on the surface, the group dismounted and set up shop in their new home. First chore was organised by the eSports team to find the best shelter with the winner earning a selfie with Arabiannoble. Darren4Turbo claimed the victory and was just taking out his rather dashing phone for the coveted picture when GeneralVeers coughed. "I thought it was best of Six Rounds, and doesn't that mean you have to win four times? These Russians always forget to clarify the rules." The palaver that followed only ended after Damn_Slow let loose a meaty laugh and boomed "Just have a selfie with me instead". Rumour has it that in the hiatus that followed twenty fan-girls fainted from the sheer awesomeness of Damn_Slow's figure and the record for the largest amount of noise ever made on Mars of was resoundingly broken.

 

And so camp was set up in the dark plains of Mars. Despite sonofchrysalis3's claims that he had set up his own pimped-up cave on Mars during his unicorn escapades and knew the place back to front, a couple of scout groups were sent out by local girl Ostrica to explore the area and hunt for food. One group, All Kind, succeeded in taking down twenty-three adfulincoiuacdsfllkndsfaliens (a Martian animal affectionately named by Mr.Dirty) despite claiming another wild Martian beast that they eloquently titled DDOS had violently attacked them on their escapades. By the time they returned, the other group, nicknamed trendily "Writing Club", had just restarted their mission for the third time after twice breaking up 100 metres from base after heated disagreements on whether their name tags should be black with black spots or black with black stripes.

 

The English Community thrived in their new home, enjoying the diversity of their new climate although the high level of valuable materials on the planet meant that "Gold Box will be dropped soon" suddenly had a severe health warning stapled to it. Despite news carrying across the airwaves that the aliens had fled from Planet Earth after catching sight of Lhamster's garage, little action was demanded amongst the settled colony. Pleasant games such as Chess, Snakes & Ladders and MASSACRE DEATHMATCH were all the rage and with the recent release of Blockbuster "Ice Age 6: Guerilla Mammoth Twins", the settlers were kept entertained. Life was a blast.

 

Then the aliens landed again.

Previous articles in this series:

[issue 5] If the English Community was a company....

[issue 10] If the English community was a football [soccer] team?

[issue 11] What if the English Community was a restaurant..?

[issue 15] If the English community was a city..

[issue 24] If the English Community was stuck on a Desert Island...

Edited January 7, 2018 by Hexed

[1stsuperwhitedragon 408]

I took this seriously

[1stsuperwhitedragon 408]

Wtf?!

 

this is getting awkward

[beaku 2,656]

Wait, why was this posted 6 months ago and is being published now? :huh:

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Wait, why was this posted 6 months ago and is being published now? :huh:

It was stored in the Newspaper Materials section (the section in which we store and edit our posts) and developed and perfected till it was deemed fit for release this issue :)

[hogree 4,179]

^Translated: I procrastinated for half a year

[1stsuperwhitedragon 408]

^Translated: I procrastinated for half a year

*confused* :wacko:

[r_Your-Daddy3 605]

Who took it seriously ?

[sonofchrysalis3 3,719]

We could've relaxed in the warm coziness of my cave, but NOOO, "We should stay out here and sit in the blinding wind-swept dust and harmful solar radiation!" And I had a row of computer modules in there, too; not that you would've been able to figure out how to use pony tech.

 

Someone please tell me what a "Mars" is? I know it's a paint, but still....

Edited August 15, 2015 by sonofchrysalis3

[I.Devastation 2,053]

^Translated: I procrastinated for half a year

That's quite impressive...

[anuclearbomb 220]

We could've relaxed in the warm coziness of my cave, but NOOO, "We should stay out here and sit in the blinding wind-swept dust and harmful solar radiation!" And I had a row of computer modules in there, too; not that you would've been able to figure out how to use pony tech.

 

Someone please tell me what a "Mars" is? I know it's a paint, but still....

mars is the 4th planet form the sun in our (human) solar system, either named after the paint or the greek god of war(i do believe) it has a red tinge and is the most possible human movement site, after we are done here.

or ya know 4th rock from the (human) sun

[Darren4Turbo 4,913]

Nice :)

 

This is so old :O

[BlazingCoder 108]

Good Story,

 

January 14? eh

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

Once I saw the name I was like "So we're going to earth? :D". Anyways, awesome article :P