Other [Issue 38] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - August

[GoldRock 6,165]

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper press, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests, anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. But the Newspaper isn't all about boring facts and figures. What about the stuff that's been going on behind your backs this month? Here at the Dictator, we fill in where the rest of the paper does not, delivering you shocking news stories and fresh rumors direct from the battle-lines. Enjoy!

Daily dose of a month long XT mission!
By @Fen-Harel

This month Tanki introduced the long waited Daily Missions update. However, there's a rare gen-only mission that rewards players with the special XT version of the classic Hornet-Rail combo. The chances of getting just one XT related mission is only 1%. Even so, the eager Generalissimos spent hundreds of thousands of crystals on resetting missions to get the XT combo. But why is this the case? The Dictator went on the field to investigate.

First off, we looked at the missions themselves. Contrary to popular belief, daily missions can in fact be finished at night. As satisfying as they were, the Dictator team brainstormed all day and had more thoughtful suggestions including "Use your brain for once", "Don't take my Goldbox", "Don't take repair kits if your health is full", and the all time favorite "Don't act like a freaking Nug 0/99999".

Seeing as the missions were sufficient, but didn't include our I3rilliant suggestions, we decided to check what the players think of them. Statistically, time required to complete a daily mission varies between less than 5 minutes and 20 days, depending on how many friends you have to help you out by keeping guard of any supply box on the map just for you. Still, if we average it all we get that the missions do in fact take 1 day on average to complete... maybe - Kevred did the math on this one, so it's your call if you'll trust him.

After interviewing a lot of seasoned players there seem to be numerous motives for completing the mission. "The tank looks cool", "It has wings like a chicken", "I want to be the first to have it" (2 l8 m8) , "It's a new game goal that I want to finish" and, slightly to The Dictator's surprise, "Never bought Hornet M3, might as well get it for free now..."

When the data was carefully studied by our top team of analysts, the Dictator came to an astounding conclusion. "There seems to be a certain trait that these generalissimos possess, we think it's the key to their ability to devote their gameplay towards that one mission." says the head analyst prof. Tardy Anon, adding the following: "Spending all those crystals on resetting the missions time and time again, preparing themselves for such a time consuming task, we've realized that these players have a special syndrome that gives them this unique ability. The No Outdoors - Living Inside Formatbattles Experience syndrome, or N.O.-L.I.F.E. for short, has been traced to practically each of the competitors for the XT tank. We're currently working on the cure, as side-effects for this syndrome also include heart attacks during Goldboxes and frequent use of the words ok, m8, I3anter, hy6."

However, Tanki players report playing with more "randoms" rather than with their friends. It seems that the "friends list" button mysteriously disappeared. No reason to fear, though, as the The Dictator team quickly found the said button cleverly hiding next to its "Invite friends" cousin. Perhaps the Tanki team wanted to encourage people to invite more real life friends to the game (and doing so actually go outside), or maybe they're saying that missions are more important than friendships? You be the judge.

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The Dictator proudly presents: the "You're a noob" campaign.
By @GoldRock.

Here at The Dictator, we've been both shocked and dismayed at the recent 'anti-noob' movements poisoning the community; as seen here, here and even in our very own newspaper. Instead of confronting the age-old problem that is the noob, these players seem to want to deny that such a problem even exists. As a result of this outrageous propaganda, we're starting up our very own counter-campaign; where we want to encourage you, our loyal readers, to call out as many noobs as you see on the battlefield in as creative a way as you can.

Tired of that M2 on your team in XP/BP battles who just doesn't know how to play the format?



Team-mate missed a vital shot after all your hard efforts in trying to capture a flag?



Noob Mammoth user blocking the path of your light, nimble and vastly superior light hull?

 

Take note, tankers. In each and every case, the player responsible for the noob action soon broke down into tears and apologised for their wrongdoing. So next time you see a noob on the battlefield, don't stop and console or help said noob whilst trying to make sure your halo doesn't fall off your head, but instead remember this campaign and the awe-inspiring "You're a noob" examples it provides above. There's no need to thank me, I know.

The "You're a noob" Campaign - REAL Banter for REAL Soldiers.

n.b. The Dictator team and the "You're a noob" campaign does not encourage the violation of the Game Rules in any way, or affiliate itself with the actions of any such violators. As stated in the Game Rules, any of the following is expressly forbidden and will result in punishment of some form for any players who violate such rules: 2.1.Any forms of unsporting or impolite behavior in the Game: 2.1.6. Discrimination of inexperienced players (newbies): misinformation, intimidation, mockery; 2.1.7. Insults, slander (dissemination of misleading information) in relation to other Users, Administration, moderators, other persons; etc.The Dictator supports the following of the aforementioned Game Rules at all times by all players, and any violations made of a result of the "You're a noob" campaign are not the responsibility of the campaign organiser (myself) in any way, shape or form, and this campaign may not be used as an excuse to break the Game Rules. If you're still reading this, I owe you a bag of chicken or maybe two if I'm feeling generous. Thank you.

 

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and now for a short break with a less-short advertisement for a new product called "friday night banter"

 

click me

 

if anyone reads that all we owe you a million bags of chicken with some fries on the side

 

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Classic banter strikes as The Dictator discusses a cheeky name-change
By @S.C.Y.T.H.E

It's been a while since the Dictator has been released. Many of our personnel believe it's time for a few changes. What better way to start anew than with a new name? After many complaints of readers expecting this to be a guide to Dictator, the decision has finally been made! The Dictator's name shall be changed.

Writers of the Dictator convened late Friday night at a large KFC. Over a large plate of chicken wings, our writers began debating what name to change to.

I was a strong advocate of the title Tyrant. Tyrant means practically the same thing as Dictator.

*Scythe* How about the name Tyrant?
*Arm Rest* No.
*Hog* Does that have to do with chicken? (with his mouth half full).
*GoldBlock* Too similar to our current name. How about this as our new name: The Administrator. It's similar to Dictator, but a bit more evil.
*Arm Rest* No.
*Hog* Does that have to do with chicken?
*Scythe* Um....
*GoldBlock* Then its settled. Our new name is The Administrator.
*Hog* I don't think that has to do with chicken. This should be our new name: CHICKEN.
*Scythe* Fine with me.
*GoldBlock* Whatever... I guess that's OK.
*Arm Rest* No.
Everyone turns to stare at Arm Rest.
*Arm Rest* No, No, No. No. NO.

No one argues with him. Absolutely nobody would dare to disagree with a man of his stature. I slowly backed away in fear. Suddenly, I turned tail and ran as if my life depended on it...

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Shocking Gold Box Scandal revealed after an incredible discovery!
By @hogree.

 

welcome 2 tanki uncovered
hypothesis: gold box is made of toilet roll

equipment: gold box, toilet roll, brain, matchsticks, nando's sauce, pencil sharpener, danish pastry, toaster, money to buy gloves

method: 1. get gold box

2. light fire with matchsticks

3. put gold box in fire

4. pour nando's sauce on fire

5. put pencil sharpener in fire

6. put danish pastry in toaster

7. eat danish pastry

8. add nando's sauce (optional)

9. put toilet roll in fire

10. (steps for putting brain in fire available on free mobile app for just £0.99 download here)

11. wait 2 months

12. look in fire

13. o wow look w8 theres no gold box

14. put hand into fire

15. take hand out of fire

16. cut hand off (not recommended)

17. throw hand in bin (optional)

18. go to tesco's

19. buy gloves

20. put on gloves

21. put hand into fire

22. take out piece of toilet roll

 

analysis: gold box is made of toilet roll

verdict: gold box is worthless

thank u for tuning into tanki uncovered.

 

The Ultimate Guide to Polygon CP
By @greyat

There are a multitude of guides to Polygon CP, each offering different techniques and claiming to be the best. The Dictator has decided to settle this debate once and for all, by publishing an ultra comprehensive guide, a guide to rule them all. We consulted multiple independent experts and debated furiously over many a point, but in the end, came up with an guide both elegant in its extensiveness as well as in its simplicity.

This guide is, for sure, destined to go down in history as one of the all-time greats.

Jump in the center.

Die.

Repeat.

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

July 2014

August 2014

September 2014

October 2014

November 2014

January 2015

February 2015

March 2015

Edited January 7, 2018 by Hexed

[Meliora 1,652]

This was OK for a quick read and your first after a while, though for the first and second one, we've sort of got the point now already, so your pieces here are slightly out of date.

[beaku 2,656]

Loved the polygon CP guide :D

[GoldRock 6,165]

This was OK for a quick read and your first after a while, though for the first and second one, we've sort of got the point now already, so your pieces here are slightly out of date.

Yep, it's definitely not the best The Dictator we've put out and it was delayed from last issue, hence the out-of-date pieces - but the fact that we're publishing more regularly now should hopefully prevent that problem in the future. Thanks for your feedback!

[beaku 2,656]

"If you're still reading this, I owe you a bag of chicken or maybe two if I'm feeling generous."

You owe me, K.. :D

[GoldRock 6,165]

"If you're still reading this, I owe you a bag of chicken or maybe two if I'm feeling generous."

You owe me, K.. :D

^anyone who noticed this should proceed to spam fen in order to claim the chicken the more you spam him the more chicken you'll get trust me it's legit

[lukey0 27,543]

^anyone who noticed this should proceed to spam fen in order to claim the chicken the more you spam him the more chicken you'll get trust me it's legit

Ok then, I'll spam his PM. :D

 

Love the read!. ;)

 

[greyat 2,972]

Imagine the pain it caused us reporters who missed le l3anter to read through it all, searching for a tidbit of valuable material.

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

T.O's Road To World Cup Glory 

By: @EzanK

I believe this goes in the 'Can you contribute to Tanki's finest news source?' contest :)

[crackgold2 399]

the best of all  :ph34r:

1500 posts

Edited August 16, 2015 by crackgold2

[r_Your-Daddy3 605]

Nice,especially abbreviation for NO LIFE...lol

[Lankbouv 6,347]

Boring

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Boring

 

Yep, it's definitely not the best The Dictator we've put out and it was delayed from last issue, hence the out-of-date pieces - but the fact that we're publishing more regularly now should hopefully prevent that problem in the future. Thanks for your feedback!

[EpicTroll99 572]

Glad to see The Dictator returning. Missed it the last few months.

[manofbelgium 18]

I hope he is generous with the chicken.

[TheUpstartRonin 8]

Did you really spend 15 pages trying to say, "I saw a guy, he agreed to buy me a sub from subway, but he forgot to buy me a sub. Then he and the sub disappeared"? Seriously? 

 

(You owe me a million bags of chicken w/ fries on the side btw)

[Hez_DarkLord 103]

You owe me a bag of chicken..  :P  ;)

[blackflag444 256]

hey, i'm the m2 xp you want on your team :P

[hatealien 138]

that story to choose the new name for the dictator was awsome :D

[lordmostafa 3,821]

([17/07/2015 20:51:37] Josh ~hogree~: so when girls attract me

[17/07/2015 20:51:39 | Edited 20:51:44] Fen'Harel: And when a girl attracts Gold, she doesn't get attracted back

[17/07/2015 20:51:40] Josh ~hogree~: i attract girls

[17/07/2015 20:51:49] Josh ~hogree~: yay)

 

Omg I just loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed this :lol: