[Issue 42] [Contest] Help Needed: Occupations for the Unemployed

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Tankers! The game is thronged with jobs, but running out of people to keep them updated. Tired of the usual awesome jobs being put up by Vikingsrallentando and yours truly, the resource hunters have decided to try out some new blood! And here is your chance to define the way tanks beg at your feet search for unemployment. How?

 

Simply take part in this contest! Read on to find out more.

 

 

THE CONTEST

 

All you have to do is to pick a 'job' from the below list of options, and prepare a short, catchy and funny description about it, that fits in with the theme of each issue of the Unemployed Column, that is, satire, humour and wit. Enter your entry in the form of a post on this thread, and may the best writer win!

 

Your list of jobs is as followed (pick any one - a, b, c or d)

 

A. TOUR OPERATOR

B. ZOOKEEPER

C. SOCIAL ACTIVIST

D. TRADER

 

 

RULES

 

1. Each participant is allowed one, and ONLY one entry. Any more entries will be deleted and not considered for judging.

 

2. Please do not reserve posts. Reserving posts will lead to disqualification from this contest.

 

3. Your entry should be NO MORE THAN A 100 WORDS LONG. Entries exceeding this limit will not be considered.

 

4. It is COMPULSORY to include your word count after the entry. How? Simply copy and paste your entry into wordcounter.net and type the word count displayed over here. Please note that the count does not include the title or place of work.

 

5. No plagiarism. Any entrant found doing so will be disqualified.

 

6. Pick any ONE job out of the list given. If you submit multiple job resumes, I will only consider your first entry. Therefore, kindly only post one job.

 

7. It is up to you to decide the job location and details of the given jobs. However, be creative!

 

 

THE PRIZE POOL

 

Please don't get disappointed, but we don't have any swishy-swoshy crystal rewards for you guys. However, a prize is a prize, and let me announce the goodies the winners will get - 

 

FIRST PLACE - 20 000 CRYSTALS + RESUME GETTING FEATURED IN THE UNEMPLOYED COLUMN #5

SECOND PLACE - 15 000 CRYSTALS + RESUME GETTING FEATURED IN THE UNEMPLOYED COLUMN #5

THIRD PLACE - 10 000 CRYSTALS + RESUME GETTING FEATURED IN THE UNEMPLOYED COLUMN #5

 

CONSOLATION - 5 000 CRYSTALS

 

But if you think that's not incentive enough, hold on! We've got some news for you! The winner of first place will be offered a contract to write for the Unemployed Column every Issue (That is, one article per fortnight) for a total amount of 5 000 crystals per issue. Now, if stocked up, it is a lot of money!

 

Well, that should set the tone.

 

 

FORMAT

 

We're not looking for anything format, but all entries MUST adhere to the format followed in every installation of the Unemployed Column - 

 

JOB NAME

Job Location

 

A funny, witty and satirical job description not exceeding 100 words.

 

The contest ends on October 30. Get your engines gunned, guys!

 

 

 

 

IMPORTANT

 

Tankers, we are so sorry, but due to circumstances beyond our control, the deadline is now the 28th of October. We are so sorry for the inconvenience; but till then, get your engines roaring!

Edited October 24, 2015 by TriNitroToIuene

[canadarules 1,938]

so essentially we are making a classified ad?

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

so essentially we are making a classified ad?

Precisely.....well, no. What you gotta do is create a job description pertaining to the rules above, using one of the given topics, precisely like the way we do in the Unemployed Column.

[canadarules 1,938]

Precisely.....well, no. What you gotta do is create a job description pertaining to the rules above, using one of the given topics, precisely like the way we do in the Unemployed Column.

:mellow: basically same thing as what i said

[Xxcandy_manxX 89]

Job Name: ZooKeeper Job Location: Tankionline Zoo Let's get straight to the job description. First of all you would have to clean the Mammoth's cage without being influenced by the new Far Cry Primal and killing it. Secondly, you have to pet the titan every few hours and no, there are no gods in it's cage. You also have keep check on the wasps and hornets and you aren't allowed to take any peaticides with you (Hah! scaredy cat). Lastly, you have to feed the vikings and the hunters and no , there aren't any dagons or a Tarzan in there. So are you ready to apply? Words : 99

Edited October 16, 2015 by Xxcandy_manxX

[Quarks 2,255]

Can we use alternate accounts?

[Contradiction 1,242]

Social Activist

The Forum

 

Are you a charismatic leader looking for a purpose? Your job is to join a cause, and support it with all your might, mind and strength. We are seeking inspiring leaders ready to take up movements such as Tanks Rights and Isida Equality. If not willing to sacrifice your day's salary of Chicken, this is not the task for you. Above all, we are looking for employees who strive to bring good to society, for example instructing the masses that ADMINS DON'T DROP THE GOLDBOX. Be prepared to work long hours, and to try, try, try, try, and try again. 

---

 

-100 Words

Edited October 26, 2015 by Contradiction

[Darren4Turbo 4,913]

ZOOKEEPER

Tanki Online National Zoo

 

You are now a zookeeper, your job is to keep this crazy mammoths before they eat the mighty little nugget wasps... keep an eye soldier of the mammoths, that's the most important point of the zookeeper. Now, you see a mammoth getting out of the Tanki Online National Zoo, the mammoth had ran away, from now on, we are looking for some awesome, intelligent zookeepers to catch those nasty mammoths so feel free to apply!

 

Words Counted: 75

Edited October 17, 2015 by Darren4Turbo

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

Good luck all.

 

 

Reserved post's aren't allowed. Banned forever. Reason: Flood.

 

 

Edited October 16, 2015 by Yisroel.Rabin

[r_Helium870 8]

Job: zookeeper. (Pls put crystals on my alt maxus_helios101)

 

Well here goes nothing so kiddo you want the Job, are you up for it! You gotta clean the mammoths disqusting cage! And check on the titan! The titan is a hungry beast and eats zookeepers regualary. You must check on the U.F.S (undefined flying smoky.) The hornets dont bother feed wasps alot and get paid around 1 crstal. 56 words

[classyplebs 1,786]

ZOO KEEPER

Garage

 

What do you think the Jaguar's, Dragon's, Python's, Rhino's, Irbis', Tiger's, Raccoon's and even Alien's do when they're not protecting your tank on the battlefield? Chillin' in their cages in the garage of course! It's your job to take care of them and make sure they don't get into any trouble! You up for the job, kid? 

 

-57 Words.

Edited October 16, 2015 by classyplebs

[Daniel898 327]

TOUR OPERATOR

Any Map

 

Do you like noobs; those clueless, dimwitted tankers who don’t seem to know what turret turning is? You’re in luck. A position as a tour operator, nothing is better. You must be able to withstand an inflated amount of pressure, have a marvelous sense of coordinates and direction, be obliged to perform various stunts to impress beginners, no smokies or thunders. Too explody for the youngbloods. Over all, you must sustain working both evenings and mornings, at least 18 hours a day. Be patient, fellow hope-to-be employee, and good luck with those n̶o̶o̶b̶s̶ ̶w̶h̶o̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶M̶a̶m̶m̶o̶t̶h̶ ̶i̶s̶ ̶f̶a̶s̶t̶ potential customers.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

100 words.

Edited October 17, 2015 by Daniel898

[Daniel898 327]

Just a tip. I think posting a couple examples of the job descriptions would help the contestants a bit.

Edited October 17, 2015 by Daniel898

[opidude 437]

Zookeeper

Dusseldorf city zoo

 

Do you have never-ending relationships with animals? If yes, this job is a perfect job for you. Preferably tall dictators to feed the mammoths and applications from puny hornets or short vikings will NOT be accepted. Required to handle with pesky wasps and must feed the chickens, not feed on the chickens. A degree on handling with firebirds is mandatory. Must also have the ability to sumo wrestle mammoths to prevent them from eating customers. The zoo is not responsible for any broken barrels or fractured hulls. Good luck.

 

-92 words

Edited October 17, 2015 by opidude

[AnduinFX 8]

Name: Social Activist

 

Location: Forum and Chat

 

Have you ever wanted to piss off people and get away with it? If you're typing Y-E-S on your crappy membrane keyboard, then this is the opportunity of your life! We are looking for people that uncontrollably spew provocative garbage from their mouth in a sophisticated and mature manner. A PhD in Internet trolling is required, and so is an obsession for fried chicken. Please note that AlternivaPlatform is not responsible for permanent bans and other punishments issued due to the nature of this post.

 

85 words.

Edited October 17, 2015 by AnduinFX

[0MN1V01D 599]

Tour Operator

Museum of Mults,Noobs,Hackers

 

Hello,I will be the Tour Operator of the Day.

Today, The Topic is Kinds of Noobs,Mults,Hackers.

Firstly, We are going to Ride my Ferrari Cart.

 

Here we are at the Section of Mults: The Fatty Sitty Flag

Yes,They only want to Sit on flags.

 

Now,We are right at the Front of the Noobs: The No Turret Turning Club

They are the Ones who doesn't know how to turn they're Turrets.

 

Finally,We arrived at the Hacker Section: Rapid Firing Booger Shooters

Them... Ah...All i can Remember is them Shooting Twins which looks like Boogers. :/

 

 

~100 Words,518 Characters (Not Including Bold Fonts)

Edited October 17, 2015 by 0MN1V01D

[Ambitious 2,084]

Trader
Toilet Paper Trading, Bathroom.

---

Listen up everyone, now is the time you stop using wipes (duh) or newspapers (ew). It's the moment we gather and spread awareness regarding the necessity of toilet papers. For this, we need you.

Waaaaaaaaait!

Why am I even offering you this job?

Ssssshhh, don't remind me of the guacamole I had last night, some noob stole our toilet paper, and it forced me to use the old newspaper paint (Explosive Diarrhea).
Yes, it's me who stole the old reporter paint.

Are you willing to help us sell toilet papers? Join us.....now!
Salary? 10 kg of poop/week. Guaranteed.

Word Count = 100

Edited October 19, 2015 by Ambitious

[Blazing-sugar-Dargon 295]

Trader.

 

  Mostafa what? stop eatin too many food.

  But why , you can get diarreha? i think so.

 shut your mouth up old man? i dont even got any gonareeha even?

I Trade ever day,and i sell things better and i am  famous trader employer in the shop walk.

  Mostafa what again? stop eating old newspaper beacuse you can get gonareeha?

  Old man now listen carefully ? I just got an diarreha and im not eating newspaper i am pooping on the news paper. And was my poop on the toilet paper. YYYYuck. Told you old man's are better than smallteenagers.

1 week later. 

Is this a trading place or a chicken place. Nothing to buy. This is not a trading dude.

100words.

[Blazing-sugar-Dargon 295]

i will not win the contest 100% sure beacuse this is not better

[Pro_Banger 6]

Job Name: Trader

Job Location: Forum

 

 

for this job you will need buns of steel you are "THE TRADER" this job requires asking other people to trade accounts and crystals with you. The work hours are long and tiring and the seat is really and I mean REALLY hard. Be careful of moderators as they will try to ban. If they do ban you just play on your alt account.

 

Pay: The fun of getting new accounts

oh and 1 more thing, at least 1 new account per day.

 

good luck

 

84 if I counted correctly

[Penguin40 1,714]

Trader

Location: El Tank Shop somewhere in Solikamsk

 

Traders who sell those annoying stinging Wasps and Hornets at affordable prices are required everywhere. You must resist your desire to play the game, and simply keep the bees, hunters and mammoth elephants in strict confinement, only releasing them when they are tame and ready to be sold. An escaped item can lead to execution or the punishment of becoming a flamethrower. Even a cup of coffee is strictly not allowed. If you do your work correctly, you will receive the permission to drink up to 4 cups of coffee a week. 

 

 

92 words.

 

[drkiller_the_master 13]

ZOOKEEPER

Tanki Online National Zoo

 

You are now a zookeeper, your job is to keep this crazy mammoths before they eat the mighty little nugget wasps

 

I thought mammoths were vegeterian like me.

Wait wait....so it makes this humorous?

[IronicNinja 12]

Job: Tour Operator

Location: AlternativaPlatform Headquarters

 

Welcome! This is where TankiOnline is tested, made, and ultimately destroyed  -_- Well, we are working on unity and it's in its beta form and will be released hopefully on New Years. Of course, that's very soon so we are trying to milk out the money from your pockets before we switch to unity we are making new premium accounts! Get hyped because premiums mean from XT items, easy crystals and XP, and of course that means a paint that is 20% protection on everything! Hopefully lots of money comes in  ^_^ ! Who cares about veterans...I care about $$$  :P

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

98 Words - Sorry TNT but I'm going with what Arabian said and that's that Tanki only cares about earning money on the flash tanki, and they're making the game unbalanced in doing so. 

 

I probably won't win because mods will ban me lol.

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Job: Tour Operator

Location: AlternativaPlatform Headquarters

 

Welcome! This is where TankiOnline is tested, made, and ultimately destroyed  -_- Well, we are working on unity and it's in its beta form and will be released hopefully on New Years. Of course, that's very soon so we are trying to milk out the money from your pockets before we switch to unity we are making new premium accounts! Get hyped because premiums mean from XT items, easy crystals and XP, and of course that means a paint that is 20% protection on everything! Hopefully lots of money comes in  ^_^ ! Who cares about veterans...I care about $$$  :P

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

98 Words - Sorry TNT but I'm going with what Arabian said and that's that Tanki only cares about earning money on the flash tanki, and they're making the game unbalanced in doing so. 

 

I probably won't win because mods will ban me lol.

You won't really get banned, but I'm pretty sure you're not here to enter for the contest - you're just expressing disgust on Tanki's upates.

[canadian_tank 226]

I thought mammoths were vegeterian like me.

Wait wait....so it makes this humorous?

 

they won't be so fat it they were vegeterians