[Issue 44] Results/Contest: Help Needed - Occupations for the Unemployed

[Vikingsrallentando 3,058]

Our sincere apologies to participants of the previous contest; we had an editor down. But with patience comes another opportunity to write for the masses, and crystals.

 

We need your help tankers! The Unemployed Column is seeking to take over the paper expand its reach but doesn't have occupations and their descriptions to meet demand. This is where you, a newspaper regular, potentially play a role in the expansion by submitting your very own rendition of what is commonly seen in the column. Keep reading to find out how.

 

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THE CONTEST

 

Pick from our lists of predetermined 'jobs' and write a description of that job; keeping in mind that it is to be done in the same fashion as The Unemployed Column. Descriptions features real world/Tanki satire, comical punchlines, and uncanny wit. Once you've finished your description, post it as a comment. May the best writer win!

 

Here is the list, pick one:

 

A. BANK TELLER

B. VIDEO ENGINEER

C. MUSIC DIRECTOR

D. LIBRARIAN

 

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THE RULES

 

1. Participants are allowed ONLY ONE entry. Additional entries will be removed and excluded from review.

 

2. Reserving post is prohibited. A submission that was added to a reserved post will be overlooked.

 

3. Your description should NOT BE MORE THAN 100 WORDS LONG. Entries exceeding the maximum amount of words will be ignored.

 

4. It is REQUIRED that the word count is included under the entry. You can find the word count by pasting your entry into wordcounter.net and bring over the count to here. Note that the TITLE and LOCATION are not included in the word count.

 

5. Absolutely no plagiarism. Participants guilty of doing so will be disqualified immediately. 

 

6. Pick any ONE job from the given list. As rule #1 states, only one entry can be accepted. If you try posting two in one comment, the first description will be considered, not the second.

 

7. You get to pick the location and describe the position that people would potentially apply for. Be creative and humorous!

 

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THE PRIZE POOL

 

Now to prizes. We have a small grand pool of crystals that is desirable to each and every tanker reading this. But hey, the crystals aren't even the best part, here they are:

 

FIRST PLACE - 20 000 CRYSTALS + RESUME GETTING FEATURED IN THE UNEMPLOYED COLUMN #6

SECOND PLACE - 15 000 CRYSTALS + RESUME GETTING FEATURED IN THE UNEMPLOYED COLUMN #6

THIRD PLACE - 10 000 CRYSTALS + RESUME GETTING FEATURED IN THE UNEMPLOYED COLUMN #6

 

CONSOLATION - 5 000 CRYSTALS

 

Unfortunately, because of budget restraints, we are only able to hire contract writers every other contest run. Sorry if the very very small chance of being hired dampens your spirit, but every job has its restrictions.

 

 

THE FORMAT

 

We are not specific as to how you structure your description, but we do ask that you follow the format exhibited in The Unemployed Column;

 

JOB NAME

Location

 

Your comical, sincere, and satirical description of your chosen job.

 

This installment of the contest concludes on December 16th at 22:00 UTC. Good luck!

 

 

THE RESULTS

 

And the winners are...

 

FIRST PLACE - Contradiction's Social Activist Submission - Upon his recent acceptance to the paper, he has been offered an open invitation to write for the column, not a contract.

 

SECOND PLACE - bigtimerush_bry's Zookeeper Submission - As a result, is offered a contract to write for The Unemployed Column.

 

THIRD PLACE - Daniel898's Tour Operator Submission - Check out this and the previous two descriptions in the latest edition of The Unemployed Column.

 

Consolidation

 

opidude's Zookeeper Submission

AnduinFX's Social Activist Submission

rtey31's Trader Submission

 

Congratulations to our winners. If you were unsuccessful in the previous contest, you have the next one to try for right now! Get to writing!

Edited December 3, 2015 by Vikingsrallentando

[Quarks 2,255]

Wow, not only did I place, but I was offered a contract. I guess I owe a thanks to Contra, for being accepted as a Newspaper canidate, public congo to him.

[Darren4Turbo 4,913]

BANK TELLER

Tankionline National Bank

 

Being front line staff they are most likely to detect and stop fraudulent transactions in order to prevent losses at a bank. (Tankers' currency and checks, Crystals theft, confidence tricks, etc.). Saving Tankers' crystals is their passion. The position also requires the Bank tellers to be friendly and interact with the Tankers, providing them with information about Tankers' accounts and bank services. So feel free to apply from now on!

~70 words

Edited December 5, 2015 by Darren4Turbo
Refrain from using signatures on public topics. This right is reserved for limited administration assitants.

[Quarks 2,255]

Just after curiosity, am I still allowed to take part in this contest?

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

Bank Teller
Tanki Online Tank Bank (Polygon CP)

Tanker Bankers have one of the most important jobs in Tanki, you get to call the shots. What the Tankers don't know is that you are the one that drops Golds, whenever you feel like it! You mustn't give in to @sonofchrysalis3's heartfelt pleas, especially when he says, "Gold plz Admin" or "Gold bill pls Admin." You can drop the Gold whenever and wherever, it's completely up to you! But that isn't your only job! You must also prevent fraudulent actions from taking place. Scammers must be stopped! Make sure you get your Application in quick!
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
-98 Words

Edited December 5, 2015 by Marc

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

Just after curiosity, am I still allowed to take part in this contest?

After curiosity? You mean out of curiosity? Sorry, I'm a Grammar Nazi!

[Flexoo 6,980]

Librarian

Tanki  Newspaper Library, London

 

Just recently the administration requested us to carry on Guttenberg´s legacy. All the written treasures of Newspaper archive will be transformed to books.  We are looking for responsible, dedicated librarian, who will supervise the trouble-free operation of newly-formed library. Aditionally, you will have to sit hours transcribing large epical novels starting with Hogs guide of chicken consumption.  Master´s degree in TankiOnlineness is a MUST! Having no real life is a plus. We prefer gold box transfer system as a form of payment. Your pay will be added soon every month. Please send your CVs to official in charge – Vikingsrallentando.

 

99 words

Edited December 4, 2015 by Flexoo

[Quarks 2,255]

After curiosity? You mean out of curiosity? Sorry, I'm a Grammar Nazi!

shaddup u 

[NewbieCake 3,067]

JOB: LIBRARIAN.

LOCATION: ROME.

 

Are you a tanker who likes to keep the silence? Do you love to keep the books and tankers in line? We are seeking those with pin-point mastery in the art of sniping;  Wasps are just too fast for those short-ranged turrets.    Noisy Vulcans and Twins are to be dealt with immediately; no exception.  Above all, you must  execute those who make noise without question. Be prepared to act without thought.  Just know your salary will be dropped off where the Bank Teller is. Ah, and yes, you must be able to transcribe Latank: the ancient language of  Roman tankers.

 

WORD COUNT: 100

 

 

Let's see if anybody gets what I mean by "Latank".

Edited December 12, 2015 by NewbieCake

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

shaddup u

 

Aww, love you too! ;)

[Quarks 2,255]

Aww, love you too! ;)

Happy to here it.

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

Happy to here it.

;)

[Anonono 1,233]

I'm glad Contradiction is a reporter now, because he keeps on winning almost ALL of the contests 

 

xD

[Quarks 2,255]

I'm glad Contradiction is a reporter now, because he keeps on winning almost ALL of the contests 

 

xD

ikr, now I have a chance ;)

[celroti 133]

Bank Teller

Tanki Community Bank, Kathmandu

 

ON every first day of each month,you're welcomed by days salary of chicken.But rest of the days, thousand of transactions and millions of accounts weighing on your shoulder.Hence obligation is a train of gunpowder while perk is a lighted match.

Opening a bank book

I.Q.U.F.A. - 2000000

Haraxx     - 1973125

------------------------------

celroti       - 6666

You're in a charge of a responsible job where wisdom triumphs over prudence.You're not only dealing with monetary terms but also with  trust of hard-earned crystals.

5 o'clock.Close the books.Adrenaline pumping through aching veins.Depart to home and have some rest.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1 :) :P  words

Edited December 9, 2015 by celroti

[Ambitious 2,084]

MUSIC DIRECTOR

TANKI DJ CLUB

Are you earnestly bored by the absolute silence perceived on the battlefield? Do you feel like you should do something to bring a sort of "fun" among the tankers? If you're nodding your head imitating a "yes", you're in the right place. Pick the best musicians from your list and flabbergast the lethargic tankers by their "oomph-ing" music! Watch as everyone starts dancing under the disco light! Or even better, watch as conflicts creep up among the musicians saying "HEYYY! MY MUSIC IS BETTER THAN YOURS!" Sit back, relax; you have freed Tanki from boredom. You're now a music director.

100 words.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Ambitious

[Vikingsrallentando 3,058]

Just after curiosity, am I still allowed to take part in this contest?

No, you are not. I will be contacting you via PM later today.

[MessagerAngel 33]

Librarian

You will be given the job of taking out the Vikings and hunters out of the guides section, they are avid readersp and will want to stay past closing time. The hornets and mammoths have a tendency to be a bit loud so you will have to keep them quiet. The twins are always fighting so you have to make them work together. Have no mearcy with tanks with late books, shoot them on the spot. Apply with a pm. 80 words I think. :)

Edited December 9, 2015 by MessagerAngel

[MessagerAngel 33]

Sorry I forgot my place. US Tank library, US

[relic 59]

MUSIC DIRECTOR

Stadium Map

 

We are looking for a new Music Director to help with our band. We will be performing a rendition of 1812 Overture at the Stadium Map.

 

Requirements:

At least 5 years experience as a music director

Must be good with kids

Must have a good medical plan (just in case, nothing to worry about - honest!)

 

We have corrected the problem with our Thunder turrets - we now have them pointed AWAY from the podium. This part of the band has finally learned to rotate their turrets. You will be safe. I promise. Our sincerest apologies to our previous directors.

 

(word count: 98)

[Quarks 2,255]

No, you are not. I will be contacting you via PM later today.

Okay, thank you for the clarification.

P.S. sorry for the typo in the original.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Quarks

[Bydo 20,124]

removed

Edited December 7, 2015 by frozen_heart

[Phoenix-Warbird 1,329]

 

THE RESULTS

 

And the winners are...

 

FIRST PLACE - Contradiction's Social Activist Submission - Upon his recent acceptance to the paper, he has been offered an open invitation to write for the column, not a contract.

 

SECOND PLACE - bigtimerush_bry's Zookeeper Submission - As a result, is offered a contract to write for The Unemployed Column.

 

THIRD PLACE - Daniel898's Tour Operator Submission - Check out this and the previous two descriptions in the latest edition of The Unemployed Column.

 

Consolidation

 

opidude's Zookeeper Submission

AnduinFX's Social Activist Submission

rtey31's Trader Submission

 

Congratulations to our winners. If you were unsuccessful in the previous contest, you have the next one to try for right now! Get to writing!

 

 

[Zenyth 6,494]

MUSIC DIRECTOR

Tanki Online Music Dept. Office, Boombox

 

Applicants are required to have studied at the Silence Music Academy or done an internship at Noise. Once accepted, you will be required to compose music for Tanki folk festivals, from samba beats on the Rio beach to melancholy melodies in Monte Carlo and Beethoven-inspired piano rhythms in Cologne. Additional responsibilities will include supervising the biannual Tanki orchestra.

Applicants also should be well-versed with sound wave physics, in order to avoid destructive interference with the gold-box siren in Polygon (hordes of angry Dictators will stage agitations at our office if that happens). Perks include getting a Mammoth-XT with a built-in Trumpet.

 

(Word Count - 100)

[joe123_Superman 430]

Tanki Online Librarian

Silence.

 

Do you hate the noise of those thunders, and ricochets? Just want to relax?  We have a selection of books, including: Guides to turrets, hulls, and supplies. The wasps and hornets are  noisy, but    they will won't knock anything over! Shafts want to be spacious! You will see lights everywhere as they "snipe" for books. When accepted you get a Keep calm and read shirt, and a "grammar"  cup. You can drink: Freeze frozen smoothies,  

 

Isida Nanobots Milkshake, and more! Working slow?, use a speed box! And to top it all off your salary is 100k  30k! Apply now! 

 

99 word count. Used Microsoft  :P  :)  ;)  :D  :lol:

Edited December 16, 2015 by joe123_Superman