[Issue 46] Your Week in Tanki, Summarized

[sonofchrysalis3 3,719]

It’s been a wild two weeks here on Tankiforum, but we, the English community reporting team… ah, who am I kidding… but I, the big nose to the ground in this epic struggle for a plethora of thrilling news stories, have arranged a thorough summary to keep you in the know:

 

Deadly exploding Gold Boxes sighted!

 

Run for your lives!

 

Early yesterday morning, patrons of our fair game were startled by an unexpected server restart. Many wondered what it was for, as Tanki usually announces when such things will happen (for the convenience of the players, or maybe just to give Cedric Debono something to do – no one knows for sure).

 

Anyway, yep, that’s what happened. BUT THEN! As players began repopulating the maps, they discovered a horrid new phenomenon!

 

CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IT WAS?!

 

The gold boxes that dropped after the server restart were rigged to blow up the tanks they landed on!

 

As you can see by this here fine picture:

 

 

 

 

The poor unwitting tanks that succeeded in grabbing the gold bils were immediately blasted to smithereens! Not a crystal was added to the players’ wallets; instead, a virus was installed in the victims’ computers that caused their speakers to play the gut-wrenching monotony of Adele’s “Hello” non-stop around the clock, even if the power cord was unplugged.

 

Of course, certain tankers who previously couldn’t catch a gold if it was in their shirt pocket suddenly became masters of catching them, as crowds of terrified players ran and hid when the Gold Siren blared a warning. Fen’Harel, commonly known on the forum as “Footsie”, is basically a “Shoot Me” sign on wheels, having one of the only negative D/L ratios in the game. He has also never caught a Gold Box. But boy, has he been vacuuming them up lately!

 

Tankers looking for some explanation to the madness have sent many frantic PMs to Semyon Kirov, only to receive the same reply: “MUHUHUHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!”

 

Don’t touch that X button, folks. We will have more updates as this story unfolds, or unveils, or whatever….

 

TriNitroToluene has been spotted… rummaging through Remaine’s refrigerator!

 

Never sneak up on a hungry bomb.

 

That’s what poor yittle Remaine learned Monday when he got back from his day job as guitarist Travis Eddy’s foot rest. He arrived home to find that his apartment door had been blown open with some sort of explosive device.

 

So scared at that point that he wet himself, he promptly called the police. They laughed him off, reminding him of the many times he had prank-called them, asking for a pizza delivery, so Remaine had to venture into the apartment alone, now hungry for pizza.

 

At first, nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he shuffled inside, apart from the gaping hole in the wall and the tower of scorching flames that ate at the floor and filled the room with smoke. But since the room usually wound up like that anyway when conanthedestroyer visited, Remaine ignored the havoc and crept into the kitchen clutching a plastic spoon with which to defend himself.

 

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUN!

 

THERE HE WAS, television’s lovable Pratyush Puhamahamabawhatever, scooping raisins and feta cheese out of the refrigerator and dumping them into his gigantic mouth!

 

A look of disdain crossed Remaine’s pudgy face. That fiend! He had done the same thing last week, and he got away before Remaine could douse him with his trusty can of anti-TNT spray. That would not happen now! HE WOULD AVENGE THE STOLEN RAISINS!

 

Walking quietly so as not to alert TNT (or wake the neighboring family of cockroaches), Remucus crossed the smoke-filled kitchen and raised his flimsy little spoon-.

 

KERBLAM.

 

More on this story as we dig out what’s left of him.

 

 

MadDog21 might actually write an article for once!

 

Ha! Yeah, right….

 

 

Meanwhile, a new hull is being added, called “Canoe”

 

On Sunday, the community manager for Tanki’s Martian players announced that the garage will be growing by one piece this February.

 

The “Canoe” hull will be a fast-moving, slow-paced bit of machinery that’s kind of like Mammoth but similar to Wasp in some ways. It will feature a pair of oars (for bumping tanks away when the [exploding] gold boxes fall), a bizarre covering of skins and furs (which I, as a pony, am not looking forward to at all!), and a few ancient tribal warriors brandishing clubs and knives.

 

The announcement has gained quite a bit of attention, and some of it is unwelcome. The Department of United Nominal Canoe Enterprises is now suing Tankionline’s Martian community manager for the unethical treatment of canoes, as well as not saying “please” when he finished his announcement with the phrase “you all have a good week.”

 

The manager is flabbergasted by this legal assault on his announcement, and told us in an interview Tuesday: “I have no idea how they can accuse me of unethical treatment. I mean, seriously, I’ve seen those goons: they sit in their canoes. Don’t you think it’s a little impolite to SIT on someone? Isn’t that more unethical?”

 

We will have more information on this after we finish painting Lhamster’s livingroom.

 

Edited January 7, 2016 by sonofchrysalis3

[Flexoo 6,980]

Interesting I haven´t seen anything from MD21 for months now, is he still an active newspaper moderator or he left?

[rotom66 55]

i can't believe i read this, why is this on the newspaper?  :huh:

[N.o.6.o.d.y 575]

i can't believe i read this, why is this on the newspaper?  :huh:

das

[Quarks 2,255]

pointless, but in a good way.

[lukey0 27,543]

Nice, this is like a new take on the "Dictator"

[Anonono 1,233]

Hahah, the TNT one just cracked me up!!! 

[wow349 4]

I love that article and i have no idea why it's just so good

[GHOST68INVINCIBLE 152]

Lol pointless article but It was fun to read. :lol:

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

we dig out what’s left of him.

That is, a very angry Remucusbloodthirsty TNT :lol:

 

May write another article soon, retirement is boring.

[13rilliant 8]

:D  :D ^

[DragonOfStorms 2,706]

The Department of United National Canoe Enterprises

 

 

Nice! I see what you did there... :ph34r:

[Rayyan 3,415]

I3anter!!

[yk88 577]

I3anter!!

[Rico_Viking_9000 942]

to play the gut-wrenching monotony of Adele’s “Hello” non-stop around the clock, even if the power cord was unplugged.

Wow I can see how popular this song is already...

[epanastasi1821 80]

This nonsense should not be in the newspaper. A newspaper is meant to impart news and opinion, not ridiculous idiocy. I have wasted a couple of minurtes of my life reading the start of this. I will never get that back. Stop wasting our lives with this. Consider this a down vote as well as the down vote button is missing.

[Lhamster 4,081]

*cough* Sense of Humour *cough*

[DragonOfStorms 2,706]

This nonsense should not be in the newspaper. A newspaper is meant to impart news and opinion, not ridiculous idiocy. I have wasted a couple of minurtes of my life reading the start of this. I will never get that back. Stop wasting our lives with this. Consider this a down vote as well as the down vote button is missing.

Epanastasi, are half of your posts bashing stratus, or just a fourth of them? This is the same style as The Dictator, but I don't see you bashing that... Anyways, get a sense of humor and eat a chill pill, no one is impressed. [/rant]

[LaserShark 2,095]

They need to add exploding gold boxes, it would be so much funner.

[Bugs.meeny 1,013]

This nonsense should not be in the newspaper. A newspaper is meant to impart news and opinion, not ridiculous idiocy. I have wasted a couple of minurtes of my life reading the start of this. I will never get that back. Stop wasting our lives with this. Consider this a down vote as well as the down vote button is missing.

LOL didnt even read your post cause I didnt want to waste a few minutes of my life that I would Never get back.

[BSG-62 512]

This nonsense should not be in the newspaper. A newspaper is meant to impart news and opinion, not ridiculous idiocy. I have wasted a couple of minurtes of my life reading the start of this. I will never get that back. Stop wasting our lives with this. Consider this a down vote as well as the down vote button is missing.

Why did you read the whole thing if thought it was pointless? I thought it was a funny, light-hearted article. I enjoyed quite a lot. Keep writing them; they're fine by me. 

[bossman161 276]

Why did you read the whole thing if thought it was pointless? I thought it was a funny, light-hearted article. I enjoyed quite a lot. Keep writing them; they're fine by me. 

Lol I found it amusing too. Was it true about the exploding goldboxes though?

[BSG-62 512]

Lol I found it amusing too. Was it true about the exploding goldboxes though?

​*Illuminati music plays* 

[fordmustang12345 3,910]

Lol I found it amusing too. Was it true about the exploding goldboxes though?

Lol . No he was just making a funny way to tell us that every one who took a holiday goldbox died almost instantly after taking it

[BSG-62 512]

Lol . No he was just making a funny way to tell us that every one who took a holiday goldbox died almost instantly after taking it

but an even worse fate awaited those who survived and stopped a 5 year old rager from getting it..........