Other [Issue 50] Death of Stratus

[The-Operator219 1,929]

The Hive wishes you well, Stratus.

~Ys'rial Sevityr of the Galagan Science and Medical team

G'luck out there.

~The-Operator of WTHAIDWML? Studios

[manish17 1,085]

Adieu, tears exhibit inhibit my tongue!

[CockneyLad 31]

My favourite reporter of all time, never afraid to say what you felt. All the best.

[guyfromwa 129]

 

 

There’s a panic that surges through the heart of a twelve year old boy as he peers into his precious grandmother’s casket.

 

At that moment, he realizes two things. The perfect, blissful world he knew has been forever ended by death, and one day it will end him too.

 

The death of my great-grandmother Crosby completely changed the way I lived and thought. My own mother says I was a totally different person when we left the funeral home that night. I went from being a reserved, controlled little man to a hyperactive, overly-extroverted loose cannon. People were surprised and amused by my off-the-wall intensity, completely unaware that I was doing it to beat down the voices in my head that were screaming THEY’LL BURY YOU ONE DAY.

 

The prospect of dying terrified me, and so for the past nine years, I’ve lived like there’s no tomorrow. I’ve swallowed every diversion you can think of, from sports to video games to girly TV shows. I’ve done everything I can to drown out the voices, including play Tankionline.

 

These two years of tanking have, believe it or not, been a massive help in my maturing process. At the time I joined the newspaper, I dreamt of a writing career, one in which I could craft the types of fantasies that I’d been frantically filling my mind with. Fulfilling my duties month after month has taught me that writing is a job, not a dream.

 

To cap it all off, yesterday, on February 26^th, I saw my gravestone for the first time.

 

“Always plan ahead” has been my family’s motto for generations, and that means reserving funeral plots. Mine was purchased and positioned just two plots from my grandmother Crosby.

 

I’m not the crying type, but seeing my name on a granite slab broke through the wall I’d been building for a decade. All the distractions and temporal pleasures on Earth cannot stay the hand of the Reaper.

 

With that lesson firmly branded in my soul, I am quitting Tankionline.

 

This wonderful game has provided me with many an hour of carefree enjoyment, and for that I give it and its community my heartfelt thanks and blessing. I can honestly say that I’ve grown up on its battlefields. But it is a diversion, and that’s something I no longer need.

 

I’m going to quit trying to reclaim the innocence of my childhood and start being a man. I’m going to find a better job, marry the lady who’s been so patient with me for so long, and we’re going to have a family. One day, my children will play Tankionline.

 

That’ll be good for them. It will give them something fun to do as their gravestones stand waiting.

 

* * * * * * * *

 

Going to go ahead and knock out the questions I know are coming, as well as provide a few last thoughts on things:

 

FAQ

 

 

 

 

          "Will you be coming back?"

 

I’ll check back in on occasion, like when Tanki X comes out, or in the event of a “Thatman vs. Blooperman: Pawn Off Crustaceans” promotion (gosh I hope that title gets used). But other than that, my little sisters will now inherit the title “daughterofchrysalis”.

 

          "Are you quitting writing altogether?"

 

No. Self-expression is a disease that you never quite get over once you realize how wonderful it is. I won't be pursuing it as a career, obviously, but dabbling with it as a hobby from from time to time. You may see some of my work appear on a certain other site... if you can find me or that site, of course. MUHUHUHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!

 

          "Does this possibly have something to do with greyat?"

 

You have to understand something about greyat. The feline lives with the people next door to me, but he never really stays over there. If he isn't taking a dump in my marigolds, then he's trying to sneak in so he can scratch my curtains to shreds.

 

A while back, I got really frustrated with him (I mean, after all, curtains aren't easy to make), so I put him in a bag and threw him in the back of my truck. Five miles away, I tossed the bag into the river. Problem solved, right? I felt so good as I rode back home.

 

Upon my arrival, I noticed that my front door had been smashed open. With the rifle from inside my truck preceeding me, I entered and found that the curtains had been ripped down, tied in a hundred knots, dipped in tar, and wiped all over my walls. The tar stains spelled out the words "The cat let himself out of the bag, and you threw your spare tire into the water instead."

 

So yes, I'm a little bitter against the cat, and that may have something to do with my departure.

 

          "What was with all that pretending-to-be-a-pony business?"

 

Some were entertained, some were offended, but pretty much everyone who noticed the Stratus character was baffled by my usage of him instead of my real self.

 

The truth is, I created Stratus so I'd have a nice face behind which to hide my ugly personality. I am not a nice person. That is a flaw of mine, and one I must work on. I wanted to create a totally different person, one who is polite, courteous, and generally likable; three characteristics I am in pathetic lack of. By pretending to be a good guy, I reasoned, people will like me more, and I won't spend much time muted on account of a ban.

 

Of course, the finished product turned out not to be a person at all. I made him a pony because the incomparable My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic cartoon series exhibits the purity, innocence, and moral uprightness I wish I still possessed. By pretending to be a character straight out of that show, I thought I might tap into some of that goodness.

 

Furthermore, I made Stratus a changeling because I realized how stupid I was being for acting like someone out of a girly TV show. Changelings are chameleon ponies who can pretend to be anypony they wish, and that's exactly what I was doing.

 

Aaaaaaaand in case you were wondering, his name is Stratus because I like rain. No, correction: I LOVE RAIN. Check my "other site" page if you are still unsure of whether or not I LOVE RAIN.

 

Oh, that's right, you'll never find it, because I am the ultimate hide-and-seek player.

 

 

List of every topic I've made:

 

 

 

In the Off-topic section:

 

"Gold Boxes that You're Practically Guaranteed to Get"

"How to turn around a lopsided Polygon CP"

"How playing Tanki has changed me"

"Chat Traps to Avoid"

"Playing Poorly? Here's some things to check"

"I Could Do Nothing But Watch as My Sister's Life was Ruined"

"The Most Common Misconception about the Gold Box"

"Open Letter to the Hateful Tanker I Once Was"

"How to Write Well, on Tanki and Elsewhere"

"In Defense Of Supplies"

 

In the newspaper:

 

[issue 48] Warphare: Supernatural

[issue 48] Down to a Science: Aleksandrovsk

[issue 48] How to Quit Losing

[issue 48] Another Week in Tanki, Summarized

[issue 46] [story] Momma Waited 'Til the End

[issue 46] Down to a Science: Cross

[issue 46] In Review: Assault Mode

[issue 46] Your Week in Tanki, Summarized

[issue 45] Tips for the Sneaky Tanker

[issue 45] Surviving as a Pocket Isida

[issue 45] Down to a Science: Brest

[issue 45] [story] Warphare: Final

[issue 45] [story] My Momma

[issue 44] Down to a Science: Rio

[issue 44] The Dumbest Anti-supply Arguments of All-Time!

[issue 44] [story] Warphare: Practical

[issue 43] Down to a Science: Noise

[issue 43] A Spectator's View of Humanity: Halloween!

[issue 43] Premium Accounts

[issue 43] [story] Warphare: Internal

[issue 42] Why a 40% Off Sale is Better than 50% Off

[issue 42] Down to a Science: Kungur

[issue 42] [story] Warphare: Interpersonal

[issue 42] [Contest] Tanki in Ink

[issue 40] A Spectator's View of Humanity: Music!

[issue 40] Internet Bullies

[issue 40] [story] Warphare: Psychological

[issue 38] So You Wanna Be a Pro Gamer

[issue 38] Gold Please, Admin?

[issue 37] Flooding and Spamming: All Pain, No Gain

[issue 37] Getting the Most Out of Your Daily Missions

 

 

Advice for tankers who want to write for the paper

 

 

     

          1.) Examine your motives

 

Why on Earth would you want to work alongside noobs like Remaine and Phoenix Warbird? Be honest. It is because you want to be seen? There's plenty of other sites on which your work would be much more frequently viewed. Do you want to write for Tanki because reporters have treasure chests full of crystals dumped in their laps every issue? You're going to be disappointed when you don't get a single crystal for your submissions.

 

I'm going to be very frank with you on this. Unless you intend to improve your fellow tankers' experiences and contribute to the advancement of the Tankionline community, writing for the newspaper is a waste of time. There is no other reason! And what better reason could there be?

 

          2.) Be 100% sure you can handle the workload

 

Can you publish at least one good, solid written piece per month? And no, I don't mean some half-baked snippet that you just dreamt up and slapped on paper within a fifteen minute period simply to try beefing up a tiny issue. You know, something like a filler article on how to be a pocket isida, or a story about how your mother turned into a supervillain. You wouldn't be able to build a writing career on that kind of slop anywhere else, so why do you expect that you can do so here?

 

          3.) Make sure you balance out your Tanki writing by working on non-Tanki pieces as well

 

Hey! Voice of experience here with a message for you. While it's true that your writing will suffer if your heart isn't in it, your mind and your sense of direction will suffer if you throw yourself completely into the material. Since I joined the paper back in Issue 37, I have written exactly zilch for anything else. Before then, I was spitting written masterpieces left and right: gardening articles, inspirational grocery lists, stories about how mutant feta cheese invaded Nebraska... the list goes on and on. After I started submitting stuff to this site, I made the mistake of not continuing with my other literary pursuits. If you want to keep building a diverse portfolio of writing examples, then don't put all your eggs into one frying pan.

 

          4.) Prepare to be utterly despised

 

This applies to anyone in any job in the entertainment business. There are people who will see you in your position, observe how everyone pays attention to you and what you think, notice how much you enjoy yourself, and they will hate you with a demonic passion. It's called envy, and it will motivate them to lash out at you, plagiarize your creations, and generally express their total resentment, because you have something they can't have. Ever watch "It's a Wonderful Life"? These people are like Mr. Potter.

 

The wisest and most professional reaction is to ignore them. When I started out, I responded to them and argued with them like the noob I was, and that only fuels the fire, as it gives them a reason to justify their assaults. Don't feel like you have to acknowledge them. They will always hate you, no matter what you do, and you shouldn't lower yourself to be bothered by that. Just focus on your work and let them boil in their own poison. TRUST ME ON THIS. They are not hurting anyone but themselves, and to be honest, that is a fact you should be encouraged by.

 

 

 

Last words on Supplies

 

 

 

 

Ever since I first saw someone squealing that I’m a “dirty drugger noob”, I’ve been fighting tooth and nail with the non-druggers about whether it is profitable or moral to mash the number buttons and use supplies. Mathematics and sob stories have been thrown around like hand grenades, feelings have been trampled upon, and hours have been wasted as two completely opposite worldviews, mine saying "work hard to be rewarded", and the other saying "give me what I'm entitled to", have tried to crush each other.

 

Looking back on it all with the eyes of a man whose priorities have just been straightened out, I can now see two very important facts that I missed in my quest to make the case for drugging:

 

1.) Non-druggers frequently attempt to guilt-trip people into not using the power-ups freely offered to them by parading a bunch of underpowered players around and crying that they don’t have a chance against the mythical Mammoth Vulcan bully. When that impossibly absurd spectacle fails to proselytize the masses, a more convincing argument is pulled out of the toolbox: the drugger’s shrinking crystal wallet. The argument states that a player will expend an amount of supplies in battle that is equal to a higher crystal value than what he will earn from the battlefund, i.e. he’s shooting himself in the foot.

 

While this may be true in a lot of cases, the person making this statement fails to notice the one fundamental error that I have subconsciously been aware of but never figured out how to express in words: the fact that victory over a battlefield full of opponents is more fun than getting a high battlefund. As I have said before, the most fun I have had playing Tanki was when I used a hundred repair kits, won a massive, nail-biting Deathmatch by a landslide, and gained a handful of crystals. On the flip side, I have on multiple occasions slogged through a horribly boring battle and gained ten thousand crystals.

 

In summary, the reason to play Tanki is not to get crystals. The reason to play is to have fun. Supplies enhance the good time I and the majority of the game’s players enjoy. “BUT STRATUS OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME REALLY IS, IT’S NOT FUN TO BE THE ONE GETTING HAMMERED BY DRUGGERS! CAN’T YOU THINK OF ANYONE BESIDES YOURSELF?!”

 

Yes I can, and I laugh when I do. “IT’S NOT FUN TO BE THE ONE GETTING HAMMERED BY DRUGGERS” can be boiled down to “it’s not fun to lose.”

 

Congratulations genius. Welcome to real life. Now quit bawling and go win something.

 

Okay, that was fact number one, and my, what a fact it was. Ready for number two?

 

2.) Even after I have made profoundly victorious cases such as the one above, there are, and always shall be, a cluster of tankers who will never let go of their little pet hatred. Depressing but true; some people just seem to enjoy living that way. And those are the people I want to address right now.

 

I used to think that all non-druggers wanted to do was completely banish supplies from the game. My little mental image of your kind depicted a frumpy old hermit who was so passionate about completely eliminating the word “supply” from all human languages that he tattooed “Down with the Drugs” across his forehead. That was an unfortunate misunderstanding on my part, which has been dispelled after taking the time to study your ideals further. Now I know the truth.

 

You are a frumpy old hermit who is so passionate about doing anything necessary to bring the average Tanki player down to your pit of frequent defeat that you create topics and flame endlessly with appeals to Tankionline to at least severely limit the public’s ability to use supplies.

 

While you have a right to make such appeals, I must warn you that you are, and never will, make any progress. Tanki’s spokespeople have repeatedly said that they’re done nerfing the drugs.

 

Know what that means? It means that, no matter what, you will forever be haunted by that little green wrench that flashes above your enemy’s tank just before he brutally annihilates you. I say this not to discourage you, but to encourage you to broaden your thinking, and maybe be more open to the idea that supplies aren’t the boogieman you swear them to be.

 

 

 

 

I want to thank the English Tankionline community, its reporter group, and you, dear reader, for everything that has happened during the past thirteen issues. This has been one of the most enriching and educational experiences of my adult life, and I will always cherish and live by the lessons I have learned during my time here. God bless you all.

 

This is Chris Bragg, aka sonofchrysalis3 or Stratus, saying goodbye and wishing you all the best.

 

Im gonna drug in the future, but at the rank im currently at, its hard to earn crystals, i only earn ~200 cry per battle, and one drug is 50 cry each

[RRMI 210]

I always felt you had a unique way of writing articles...

Will miss you.. good luck in all your future endeavours!

[Zev_merkava 63]

Hi -

 

T(h)anks for your great articles (and the rest of them, too...   ;)    ).

 

Good luck. You and your writing will be missed.

 

By the way... any relation to the Bragg of x-ray diffraction and crystallography fame?

Edited March 10, 2016 by Zev_merkava

[omrot 2,327]

Im gonna drug in the future, but at the rank im currently at, its hard to earn crystals, i only earn ~200 cry per battle, and one drug is 50 cry each

Noooo..... Another drugger has just been born  :( . Not looking forward to playing with you in the future

[Zenyth 6,494]

Good luck ahead, your articles were exquisite and I hope you continue your writing well. Sad to see you go, your life story touched me. :(

[Abuteam 8]

Bye. Have fun with what ever you are going to do next... I will miss ur writing skills bro. anyways bye! BTW i've always loved your  articles.

[Helindu_2014 830]

And Stratus, after you leave, who is gonna butter up the devs when they launch a dumb update or hold a dumb sale!

[The-Operator219 1,929]

Or rant about controversial things? Oh no! D:

[anuclearbomb 220]

You will be missed, Thank you. for being my friend, and everyone else's, even when we disagree, I will miss you, not just Stratus, or sonofchrysalis3, but Chris, one of my few true friends.

it takes a lot to make me cry (i.e the death of my cat) but i feel like this is a worthy occasion, good luck in life.

your friend Anuc.

[A_R_A_K_E_L_Y_E_N 503]

Thank you so much..... though im not a reader that read many newspapers i thank you for writing content. And my biggest appreciation for your veiw on supplies...... long live druggers!!! Im a big supply user but when i see enemy has no drugs for real then ill lax my use of number keys.

[2Killer_TOD 5]

we are losing so many great writers from he english community.

Dang the newspaper is losing its fame :( :unsure:

Edited March 21, 2016 by 2Killer_TOD

[TTK_229 1,080]

Not to be a party pooper, but has anybody else noticed that he has kept playing even after he "left", and has even ranked up? I am still slightly suspicious about whether he really quit or not...loominti confirmed!!!

[sonofchrysalis3 3,719]

my little sisters will now inherit the title “daughterofchrysalis”.

 

Not to be a party pooper, but has anybody else noticed that he has kept playing even after he "left", and has even ranked up? I am still slightly suspicious about whether he really quit or not...loominti confirmed!!!

funny to see how you're following him lol XD

[IVIr.Catalyst 1,035]

Saw this article a bit too late,but I am still bringing out the cake and pinata to celebrate your departure.