Joke of the Day - Have any?

[Hex 11,520]

 

Welcome to 'Joke of the Day - Have any?'

Do you think you have a joke that is hilarious enough to make others laugh? Post here! Have a joke you can't stop blabbering about? Post it here! Have a joke that is tremendously hard to not laugh at? POST HERE!
 

Rules:

You have a right to post as many jokes as you can. But, the jokes must abide by the Rules of the Game as well as the Forum. Any references to drugs, profane language, insults and slander, racial and sexual activity as well as religious talks may lead to your post being removed. Take care, thanks.

 

How To Play:

So, basically, it works like this: Player 1 posts a joke and then player 2 posts a joke. Player 1 then can post again, but not repeatedly. A player must wait for another joke to pop up before they can post another one of his own.

Create your own jokes! Copy some hilarious ones from the Internet. We can then see which jokes get the most likes.

And yeah, bad jokes work xD

[Hex 11,520]

*At a resturant*

Waiter: Welcome sir! Would you like a table?
Me: No, not at all! I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.

[ToHoYoNTaDa 1,147]

Not yet :P

[ToHoYoNTaDa 1,147]

enjoy a coke :P

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Have any?

[Tofu 6,773]

A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff

Bahhh Dumm Hiss

[Hex 11,520]

Ain't nobody got time fo dis.

[SW4GGER 838]

*At a resturant*

 

Waiter: Welcome sir! Would you like a table?

Me: No, not at all! I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.

*At a resturant*

 

Waiter: Welcome sir! Would you like a table?

 

Me: No, I don't eat tables. Just order me some Chicken Biryani, Mutton Biryani, Beef Biryani and I'll pay you tomorrow :) Oh and yes give me 1 coffee too :)

[railguniz4noobz 2,394]

This games balance.

[DESTROYER_13 1,019]

I went to a really emotional wedding yesterday.

Even the cake was in tiers.

[Boeing_787 1,455]

*an Arab guy drives into a parking lot for an event and meets a security guard

 

(Arab)Hi, can I bark here? (Arabs say p as B sometimes)

(Officer, sarcastically)Yes, of course you can bark here! This is a free country, what answer did you expect?

[personia 4,036]

This topic.

[Hex 11,520]

[Metaphor 538]

Once I saw the past,present, and future in a bar all at once...it was tense.

[malval 49]

I was hungary so i decided to russia over there to czech' out the menu. After reading the menu i ordered turkey, when i was finished i told the waiter "That was spain good but theres norway i could eat another bite!"

 

My original joke was removed due to spotting "or religious talks" in the thread rules.

Edited September 25, 2016 by malval

[Metaphor 538]

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?

 

There was no chemistry.

 

[DieselPlatinum 5,121]

What do you call half of a back flip?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A back flop. Ok not very impressive, I know -__-

 

 

 

Don't judge me

Edited April 27, 2017 by DieselPlatinum

[monkeyburn 13,525]

A guy walks into a hardware store with a duck on top of his head. The clerk asks, "how may I help you?" The duck replies, "do you have anything that will remove this guy from under me?"  :blink:

[BSG-62 512]

The Australian Curriculum. 

[Metaphor 538]

Why are orphans bad at baseball?

 

They can never find home.

 

[Boeing_787 1,455]

(an old Egyptian joke)

 

There was once two people, and they used to run a donkey business (transportation of goods and stuff via donkey mail). One day, the donkey died. The two people became very sad at this as the donkey was their only source of income. So, one of them came up with another business idea. He buried the donkey in a graveyard, and told everyone that it was the grace of some pious person named C.D. Abu Daan (they just made up a random name for the donkey to make it sound human). People began to flock to the grave, and soon they were also throwing money and valuables onto it. (Some people, especially some Hindus and Muslims, think it is a good thing to do that with the graves of pious people). The two men would go and take the money from there sneakily once everybody had gone back home. Soon, they were making a lot of money from this grave.

 

One day, the two men had a severe disagreement that was about to start physical action. So, one of them threatened to go to the grave of C.D. Abu Daan and complain to him (which actually was the donkey; the man himself had began to think it was a real person because of how much he used to convince others so). The other man suddenly retorted, "You will complain to a donkey?"

 

:D

[Metaphor 538]

*Teacher walks in the room*

Teacher: " Alright class, before you take this test, I want to know something." " Those who think they are not smart, please stand up."

*None of the class stands up*

Teacher: "Surely at least a few of you are not smart."

*rko_dude stands up*

Teacher: "Ahhhhh, so you feel as you are not smart young rko_dude?"

rko_dude: "No, I just felt sorry that you were standing alone..." :ph34r:

Edited September 29, 2016 by CooperO
It's best not to include other players in your jokes without their consent.

[Ninja 10,468]

Why did the submarine blush?

 

Cos it saw Queen Mary's bottom.

[r_I_already_won0 2,339]

1. three friends all died and went to heaven at the same time. Saint Peter meet them at the gates and said to one of them "welcome to Heaven! here is your reward." after saying that Saint Peter immediately handcuffed him to a extremely unattractive woman. "Saint Peter! why is this my heavenly reward?" the man asked?

Saint Peter replied, "when you were five you killed a bird with a stone." Saint Peter then turned to the next guy and did the exact same thing for the exact same reason. He was asked the same question and answered the same. finally he turned to the third guy and said, "Welcome to Heaven! Here is your reward." the third man was immediately handcuffed to a beautiful girl. extremely happy the man walked off. the other two men, who had stuck around to see what their friends fate was, were outraged. "How come he  gets a beautiful girl and were stuck with these? We can name a few things that he did that were worse than ours!" Saint Peter said, "When she was five she killed a bird with a stone."

 

2. An old lady was on a flight.  She was sitting beside a young businessman.

After the in-flight meal she took out her Holy Bible and starts her devotion. 

The businessman glances at her and said.   Do you really believe those stuff in the  Bible is true?

"Well, yes, as a matter of fact I do," said the old lady.

"Yeah, right..." the man scoffs, "like... what's that guy's name, the one who got  swallowed by a whale..."

"You mean Jonah?"

"Yeah, Jonah, I mean, how do you actually survive for 3 days in a fish's bowel?"

"I don't know," replied the old lady, "but I can ask him when I see him in heaven  someday."

Feeling smart, the young man said: "Ok, but what if he's not in heaven because he  went to hell?"

"Then young man, *you* can ask him" replied the old lady calmly.

 

3.A good Christian engineer died and was erroneously sent to Hell. Once there, he went to work reorganizing everything. He installed air-conditioning, cooling jets, refrigeration, the works.

Meantime, up in Heaven, the snafu was discovered and God sent and angry message down to Hell. "I request the immediate return of the engineer you have there. He belongs with us!"...

"No way", replied the Devil, "here he came, here he stays"...."If you do not comply instantly, I will sue you!" exclaimed God.

"And where are you going to find a lawyer up there?"...came back the Devil.

 

4.Three men arrived at the pearly gates. ST. Peter said to the first one, "Welcome, I see in my book that you've led an upstanding life, honest, generous, loving, always faithful to your wife. Congratulations, you will travel through heaven in a Cadillac. To the second man, St. Peter said, "You've lived a respectable life, but oh dear, I see that you've had an indescretionate relationship with your secretary. You'll be travelling through heaven on a motorcycle. To the third man, St. Peter said. "However did you get here?" "Beat's me" said the man, "I've lied, cheated and messed around plenty." "Oh, well," replied St. Peter. "You're here, by the grace of God. So I say that you may travel through heaven on a bicycle." The third man was pleased with his luck, pedaling down the golden streets when he saw the first man draped over the hood of his Cadillac, sobbing. "What's up" said the cyclist, "You lived the good life and have the rewards." "Yes," said the first man, "But I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!"

 

5. A rich man knew he would die soon, but he hated to leave his hard-earned riches behind. So he had all his assets converted to gold bars, put them in a big bag on his bed, draped his body over the bag of gold, and breathed his last. Next we see him at the gate of Heaven. St. Peter says (very surprised), "Wow! You managed to get here with something from earth! Let's see what you brought." He opened the bag, looked inside, then looked quizzically at the man. "You brought...pavement?!

Edited October 14, 2016 by r_I_already_won0

[r_I_already_won0 2,339]

ANother one:

 

A reporter went to heaven and saw two long lines. Over one line was a sign which read "For Men Who Were Dominated By Their Wives." The other line had a sign over the doorway which read, "For Men Who Dominated Their Wives," but there was only one man in that line.

 

Being a reporter, he went up to the man all by himself and said, "Sir, could you tell me why you're the only man in this line for "Men Who Dominated Their Wives?"

 

"Sure," the other man responded, "my wife told me to stand here."

 

 

 

2.Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?", asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

 

3.A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, JennJohn@world.net.

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to JeanJohn@world.net, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.

It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

Edited October 14, 2016 by r_I_already_won0