[Issue 64] [Other] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - May '17

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests, or just about anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. Today, The Dictator's got some nice stories for you, fresh from the printers – Read on!

 

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The Dictator goes through rough times, shutdown is a possibility
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

I rub the tears off my eyes as I regret to tell you that your favorite news network, 'The Dictator – Tanki's Finest News Source', has been going through some pretty rough times lately.

 

We have been kicked out of out office because, apparently, we were eating out Doritos too loudly, which disturbed the nearby offices, as well as the rest of the street. Boy, who knew someone could even eat that loud? My colleagues can get so ignorant and careless sometimes.

 

*PULLS OUT BAG OF DORITOS*

 

Our employers now refuse to pay us or show any sign of support whatsoever, and have left us in some back alley with a Windows XP computer to write 'The Dictator' on from now on. Currently, I'm actually trying to be pushed off the pedestal on which I'm sitting by my colleagues, who are, like me, desperate to being awesome news and inside scoops to you like we always do, no mater the situation.

 

Hope things get better soon.

 

Yours truly,

Yisroel.Rabin

 

 

Clueless noob exposed writing for the Newspaper

By @mydoom.exe

 

It is obvious to our readers that we, as The Dictator, cover everything relevant, irrelevant, and very very irrelevant on Tanki, including scandals and mishaps. This, as is made ever so painfully obvious, includes our own scandals and mishaps, which includes one discovered just a few days ago. Counting from the time of writing this, anyways. It takes weeks to write all of our reports from the Dictator, especially now since everyone got thrown out of our office for eating Doritos too loudly.

 

Supreme Leader Mult GoldRock was conducting a quality check on Wednesday, April 12. Doing the usual things, as in censoring out swears like [REDACTED], rely bahd speling erers annd tipoes, and everything that mult Blackdrakon30 writes down. But one article in particular caught Supreme Leader Mult GoldRock's eye, something that had every error listed already, with the exception of the rely bahd speling erers annd tipoes. Supreme Leader Mult GoldRock was thankfully able to trace down the origin of the article, considering it was saved from a different user on the Windows XP computer we all use now. A certain "leget blackdrakon" was the author, and upon further investigation, it was revealed that this actually was not the legitimate Blackdrakon30, but a clueless noob impersonating as him, known as 'mydoom.exe'. The real Blackdrakon30 was later found in a basement, having been tied up slightly tightly for all of 20 minutes, leading to dehydration, exhaustion, starvation, and near-asphyxiation.

 

The figure known as 'mydoom.exe' is now reputed to be on the run from justice, with an 11 crystal warrant on his head. If you are aware of his whereabouts, please report that clueless noob to us, so we can have the information and get the 11 crystal reward ourselves.

 

This ends a fresh report from The Dictator.

 

 

Magnum turns into a vacuum after coding error by tippy developer

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

It's been about a month and a bit since Magnum's release, and Tanki has already made over a bazillion sales (I don't actually know the stats, and I think a bazillion is a fun number to say). Nonetheless, with every implement from the developers, comes mass devastation for players.

 

It's been reported that quite a handful of Magnums bought appear to be a wee glitchy. "A wee", in the sense of, "they aren't turrets, let alone Magnums, at all, but instead vacuum cleaners". The turret, which has recently adapted nickname 'Vacuous', has been going around maps (oddly enough, my fake stats show that the maps have mainly been Silence «Space» Mode battles), and literally swallowing tankers whole. One of our new candidate reporters, Namey McNameface, has been clumsy enough to be swallowed by one of these beasts, and is now reporting live from... inside Cedric Debono's hull.

 

"Ya, hi, uh, okey. Are we, um, live? Oh, two minutes, already? Okey, lemme start over."

"Hi! This is Namey Mcnameface, reporting live from somewhere in Tanki, from the inside of the community manager. It's not as bad as one might think in here; there's quite a bit of tankers here with me, and there's even some, EHEM, females."

 

We interrupt this segment to bring you an important message from EN3's Chief of Police CooperDoh

 

"BREAKING NEWS! A prisoner of the EN3 State Jail has just recently gone missing. We advise everyone in the area to head home immediately and lock their doors, as this escapee, like most EN3 criminals, are single date seekers, thirsty for a relationship, with any gender available, even potatoes. So Ostrica, if you're out there, this message applies to you as well. The escaped prisoner is identified as Namey McNameface and is fat, short, ugly, and has a lot of resemblance to the former Reporters Administrator, GoldRock. If you see a man which fits such a description, call police immediately!"

 

"Um... I think I'll be going now."

 

Okey... It appears we've lost connections with Namey McNameface, but anyways, allow us to continue the segment.

 

As of now, there are over 100 tankers reportedly consumed by this horrifying glitch, and there's only one man to blame: newly recruited Game Developer, RIDDLER_69. RIDDLER is suspected of accidentally implementing the glitch after taking too many doses of Repair Kits, in an obviously failed attempt to "stay super healthy." He has been questioned multiple times by the Administration, and here's what the newly recruited Developer had to say for himself.

 

"i am a isida...... wy wud i want to tak heelth boxes??????????????????1????????"

 

That all for now, but we'll keep you updated as to what happens next!

 

 

Removal of Madness floor during Gold rain sparks outrage

By @Savage

 

Another update, another change. More complaints.

 

It was the night of the 11th. The server update was overdue again and tankers were (as usual) already venting their rage on the poor Administrators, cursing them for their updates which cause "lag". Everyone was impatiently waiting for Moon Silence to appear. Even the legendary @GoldRock had come out of hibernation to see the return of the map and now he sat, slowly picking at the pieces of gold embedded into his rock-like skull. Thinking about gold made him wonder whether EN2 would enjoy a few boxes, to temporarily distract them from the incoming celebrations. Deep within, his heart was actually made of gold and he also wanted to give the poor Chat Administrators a break, who (although they remained as stone-like as ever) were visibly feeling the pressure. So, without further ado, Gold simply pressed "." into the EN2 chat and then punched return.

 

The leader of mults, @Blackdrakon30 spotted this and took the initiative. With the impending decision on his future in the EN Reporter Team, he knew he had to make the best possible impression on this ex-Newspaper Admin. He spent several minutes perfecting his entry, proud that he had remembered to add the question mark. One last scan, then enter.

 

"gold pls admin?"

 

Gold, who had almost fallen asleep, jumped up to reply.

 

"yes come madnes?"

 

Then there followed a brief interlude while Gold tried to remember how to create a battle, since it had been over 3 years since he had logged into the game itself. Eventually, he worked it out and posted the battle link. He was tempted to ask for spam, but after quick glance at the reproachful expressions on the faces of the Administrators he decided against it.

 

The battle filled up very rapidly and soon the in-game battle chat was filled with excited chatter. With many tankers beginning to turn their abuse towards himself, Gold acted quickly. The air was suddenly filled with the sound of sirens as golds began to fall all around. Then, as the first gleeful tanker was stretching to take a gold, the floor of the map was suddenly ripped clean away. Most of the golds had been falling on the lower section, and many tankers immediately fell screaming to their deaths below. The falling boxes discovered that they could no longer fall downwards, and began to fall upwards instead, catching on the undersides of the top floor. Gold watched in shock as a tanker named @Yisroel.Rabin toggled his fly hacks and went around collecting every single gold, to the anger of the screaming mass of tanks.

 

The tankers who fell to their deaths never returned, and the remaining tankers poured forth into EN2, hurling more insults at the Chat Administrators. @GoldRock attempted to slink away. However, before he decided to return to his hibernation, he was asked for a few words of advice regarding the shock removal of Madness' floor by a local Reporter. "Tanki X needs more players" were his final words.

 

There may be some interesting developments after this incident. Stay tuned with The Dictator for more!

 

 

Cosmonautics day goes wrong, tankers lost

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

As you know, Tanki lit up tankers faces when they announced that they'd be implementing «Space» mode - a features which reduces gravity in battles and makes you feel like you've inhaled too much bubblebath! Many tankers spent the next few days in parkour battles, while others miserably failed to play a good game of XP/BP on Sandbox with «Space» mode. Nonetheless, it was a fun feature for everyone; young or old, boy or girl, smart or Avante_Grade, potato or not Ostrica.

 

But(!), with immense multing skills and flying-like-a-fairy abilities, comes disastrous consequences, and this is no exception. With the this new feature to make Mammoths feel like Wasps, reports have begun flooding main-stream medias inboxes with missing tankers complaints. It appears tankers have managed to get themselves to leave the general area of a map and begin drifting away into the endless thing we call space.

 

Loved ones are lost, hearts are broken. Who knew this implement could lead to something any worse than fly hackers? Tanki's official Head of Lost Tankers and Tankesses has released an official statement saying that Tanki has teamed up with United Airlines and Pepsi to set out on a space expedition to find these helpless tanks.

 

In other news, GoldRock has become the new CEO and reaccommodator of United Airlines.

 

 

Trappers guide found in the basement of the TO Newspaper HQ 

By @tweezers

 

After a sudden fit of motivation, an operation to clean out the basement of the TO Newspaper was launched yesterday, headed by a one @tweezers, presumably due to his superior knowledge of dark, dank, rat infested places. Halfway through the operation, proceedings were interrupted by the discovery of a leather bound book hidden on top of an rotting cupboard. The book was titled "A Trappers Guide to the World of Tanki Online", and was dated to 1901. The first page had a signature, but due to the unfortunate spillage of a certain high energy drink on it, it grew wings and tore itself away from the book. It is currently believed to have migrated to the Bahamas. 

 

The Dictator was able to grab a couple of exclusive extracts from the book, which are listed below for your reading pleasure. 

 

"To lure a Mammoth to a location of your choosing, place a Shaft on the ground and retreat. Soon, you'll see the mighty beast slowly lumbering toward your cunning trap, and once it grabs and screws the Shaft on, you can detonate the charge you placed inside of it, thus gutting and cooking the Mammoth at the same time."

 

"The Wasp is a small and very fast prey, and will retreat at the slightest provocation. In order to trap such a beast, one must first place a Double Speed box on the ground. The Wasp will be attracted to its prize, and once it attempts to drive over said box, it will run over the mine you placed underneath it. In case this does not render it unconscious or lightly cooked, you may grill the stunned Wasp with a flamethrower until lightly rusted."

 

The final entry in the book was dated 13.12.1901, and was a description of a godly, undefeatable animal that captured its prey by hypnosis and added it to its larder. Its location was given simply as "The Forum", and the book ended there. One can only assume that the author was captured and forced to join the rest of the animals prey in "The Forum" as well.  

 

The book was acquired by the TO Staff, who added it to their personal library. 

 

UPDATE: The "Trappers Guide" has since been stolen from the TO HQ, and the authorities have no leads. The staff we contacted had this to say:

 

"No, we don't know who took it. Until we do have any leads, we advise the public not to approach isolated turrets or bonus boxes, as they may result in the individual being trapped, killed and eaten."

 

Unless your ideal day includes being trapped, killed and eaten, we would advise you, dear readers, to heed their advice.

 

Always keeping you updated, the Dict- Is that a Double Damage? Out here in the middle of nowhere? I could use one of those... 

 

 

Supreme Ruler of Multism has banned turning turrets

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Newly instated King of Multism, YST_the_pathetic, has released an official settlement where he announced the complete ban on turret turning. From this point forward, players classified and or justifiable as a mult are no longer allowed to turn their turrets. The king says he will be extremely strict on these new installments and will not hesitate to bestow punishment where due. If these particular tankers are to be caught with their turret turning or turned, they will be banned from the servers for a debatable amount of time, depending on the amount of times they've already disobeyed the new law.

 

The king says he's decided to implement this new law for the "benefit of society", a sort of way to show equality to those who may have the disability to press the Z and X keys on their keyboards. Of course, this caught the attention of many news networks across Tanki, not to mention the media platforms installed within Multiverse, which are exploding right now. The Dictator, being Tanki's FInest News Source, has decided to ramble on this new ban as well.

 

We've managed to get a hold of certain Mult officials and ask them a few questions and thoughts on the ban. It seems that the majority of mults like the new law, and believe it is, in fact, a way to improve game development and society.

 

We asked mult Avante_Grade what he thinks of the update, here's his full in-depth response.

 

"Me thinked it was and is gooder than before because of no turn turret good for peple to became freinds and becomed happier as freins and socalise and interact with better ppl to become full molts and be frends withot turning the gun... the gun  was showed tooo many powerz, and who ever turn it looking more betr than pople who cann ot!! NOW. ppl can be happy and eqil."

 

We haven't heard of our interviewer since. We believe he has ran away and started a new life in Albania and begun what we call "the bad grammar affect" (i.e grmer becominged badders).

 

 

Ostrica gone savage, lock doors and never come out

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Go home and forget the world exists, because it may not tomorrow. Earth is no longer safe. NASA planning new project coded «Move Earthlings To Venus ASAP». Nuff' said, now go home.

 

We'll now be taking a commercial break, until further notice. This months issue of "The Dictator - Tanki's Finest News Source" has been sponsored by...

 

PEPSI

Please forgive us, and drink a Pepsi

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015
- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017

- April 2017

 

Edited May 5, 2017 by Yisroel.Rabin

[Destrod 2,634]

*slow clap* This was actually funny. It's so good to see Goldie becoming part of the Reporter Culture, he's everywhere and no one expects him; alot like the Spanish Inquisition.

Nonetheless, great article guys, gg to all those who contributed in it!

[fordmustang12345 3,910]

Omg. Flabs made reporter!

[Crip 4,735]

Omg. Flabs made reporter!

He made Candidate. Then quit.

Edited May 7, 2017 by Savage
what a silly guy, that flabs. tsk tsk shame on him amirte

[fordmustang12345 3,910]

He made Candidate. Then quit.

awww...... Why? ( Also why he still have the title ?)

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

awww...... Why? ( Also why he still have the title ?)

No clue why I still have the title.

 

As for why I quit:

 

 

 

And finally, why I'm here if I quit. It's a weekend. Just wanted to read a couple articles for the fun of it.

[Skills.n.Girls 767]

.

 

 

was fun to read it all. :D :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

Dorit... egghh..

 

 

666th post :ph34r:

 

 

 

 

Edited May 11, 2017 by Skills.n.Girls

[bc200214_777 582]

doom yours had me dying  :D

[TTK_229 1,080]

 

https://youtu.be/zJKsjoEIAjM

 

Sorry if the video is too quiet, but anyway, you should probably turn the volume all the way up.

 

doom yours had me dying  :D

His name is flabs k

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

No clue why I still have the title.

 

As for why I quit:

 

 

 

And finally, why I'm here if I quit. It's a weekend. Just wanted to read a couple articles for the fun of it.

You hit rockbottom?