Other [Issue 65] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - June '17

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online Newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests or just about anything related to the community or game; and you can trust us to cover it all. We've cooked up some delicious stories for you this month around, so read on!

 

 

Dr. Sagittarii announces that playing Tanki is beneficial for your exams

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

After many decades of isolation and self-incarceration, Doctor (formerly referred to as Lord Zenith, ruler of the underworld) has come back from the depths of his far away cave to announce the results of his intense experiments and works. He claims, with no proof whatsoever, besides for a gum wrapper with a girls phone number written on it (update: the phone number belongs to GoldRock), that playing Tanki Online at around this intense time of year, will actually improve results on students exams.

 

We asked him for some background on this conclusion, as he had no physical evidence to back-up his claims. He simply said that it will work because "swag." We are currently looking into what exactly the ethical meaning behind that statement was.

 

The reporter team, being a bunch of premature hooligans who get an F on all their exams anyways, have decided to take part in the experiment for scientific purposes only. A handful of reporters (mainly the ones whom are struggling and are desperate to graduate) will, like most years, not be studying for the upcoming exams too much, but will instead be engaging in this fascinating experiment, and will be playing Tanki Online for as long as possibly can. Meaning, until our parents kick us off our computers because it's 3 AM.

 

In other news, while we (the reporters) are brainwashing our already brainwashed minds in this experiment, the smart reporters (the nerds like Antarctica, tweezers, and... no one else) will be taking their own barricades in their respective bedrooms, studying for the exams they would pass even if they had not studied for them. Have fun smarties. Next year, play Tanki, and put that on your resume to Oxford.

 

 

Forum under attack by evil ostriches

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

As you may have noticed, the forum has been having a ton of problems lately. It experienced many loading errors, peoples' profiles were messed up, and it even had continuous unexpected shutdowns! Forumers were in chaos, helpers were discussing what could've caused the issue, and I was preparing buttery popcorn, watching the panics from all sides, waiting for the forum to revive so I could report this juicy piece of news to you, our fellow readers.

 

It appears, to the non-observant eye, that the administration is still clueless as to what is causing all these unexpected problems. However, there have been whispers (perhaps yells, but it sounds cooler if I call them whispers) among the helpers of a certain unwanted hombre, who has been attacking our forum with evil DDoSing hacks.

 

Now, I'm not really meant to be slipping the name nor the whereabouts of this... It's .

 

Yes, my friends, the ostrich you all thought you knew so well (including you, Cedric), isn't actually who she claims to be. She's been playing the part of an innocent down-to-earth admin for years, and now she's finally had it and let her cover blow.

 

It wasn't too hard too for the developers to trace the attacks back to her after they tracked the IP of a computer in the woodlands of Africa, where ostriches are most famously known to live. I little more digging into her records and it was proven that she had been the evil mastermind all along. It was rather an unpleasant shock to all of us helpers. We never thought of Ostrica as an overriding individual, nor an actress.

 

We're sad to see such disappointment befallen on us from this so-called hard working and devoted administrator. It turns out you were just out for us all along. How unpredictable.

 

 

Reporters' pay leaked by reporters, no admins to stop us this time

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

How much reporters get paid for their work has always been a top-secret thing, and has never been discussed a lot between players and reporters. Whenever anyone asks a reporter how much they get paid, they automatically respond with some snappy / savage response (savageness varies depending on the reporter) like "1 crystal per paragraph," or "5 000 gold boxes per word and 1 000 000 crystals per article." These responses are obviously a mere jest, and are nothing close to the real numbers.

 

However, with both Reporter Administrators, @Flexoo and @Vikingsrallentando, on their honeymoon together, we, being the untrustworthy and foolish newspaper reporters that we are, have decided to let you readers know how much we get paid. Here we go!

 

First off, we are amazing writers, hence we receive only the most amazing payment in return. Per article, we get paid exactly one Teddy Bear gift, delivered to our Garages straight away with heart-warming messages from our administrators and sometimes even "guest-payers", who are important famous figures who occasionally send us the gifts instead of our bosses. I once got one from game designer saying he liked my guide on how to use Twins effectively. Unfortunately, I didn't write that one. I also once got one from game developer Anna Kudryashova, which was exciting, seeing that marked my first interaction with a female.

 

But anyways, that's that! Now you all know how much we get paid.

 

 

New documents show that Tanki Online is planning big changes this summer

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Have you ever wondered what actually happens behind the scenes at Tanki Online headquarters? Well, good for you, because we've managed to scoop quite a large chunk of the most juicy behind the scenes news just for you!

 

New top secret documents (viz. Google Docs) have shown that Tanki is planning something big for the near future. Something so big, that even the Almighty Semyon, who was believed to be dead, arose from the depths of the office washroom to discuss the new big change coming to Tanki this summer.

 

The change is so big, that even the highest of administrators and dictators (no, not The Dictator kind of dictator, I mean like the Ostrica kind of dictator) aren't meant to hear of the change until at least next month. However, we, being extremely good ninjas and bored souls, just managed to break into the office in the black of night, using our immense stealth skills we learned from a book we borrowed from our local library (half the stuff you read here is from there, so meh). We crept passed a particularly sleeping (and loudly snoring) , into the main office, into the drawer which was clearly labeled 'TOP SECRET - KEEP AWAY FROM NOOB HELPERS", opened a couple of important looking files, read its content, and left as soon as possible, because Hazel started​ twisting and turning.

 

But now, for the actual juicy news!

 

So, despite the horrific and constant negative covfefe

 

 

Information about Battles' Moderators finally leaked; come and take a look

By

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And there you have it: all the information you need to know about the Battles' Moderators. They're cool, aren't they?

 

 

Everything you need to know about our latest recruit to the newspaper team

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Our newspaper team is growing bigger and bigger (insert "accept all the apps" meme here), which basically means there are more and more noobs getting free crystals. But despite our unfortunate amount of team members, we have recently recruited a new member, and allow me be the first to say, he is extraordinary!

 

He wears black, just about all the time. He's rather creepy, and has an overblown ego. He may seem like a total duche, but I can assure he can put out some outstanding writing. And just in case you're wondering, know, I am not talking about , he's a total noob, much like the rest of our team.

 

No, I'm talking about someone you'd least expect to be recruited to the newspaper team. I'm talking about Batman! Yes my friends, Batman has joined our team as a reporter candidate – although he seems to think he's the chief administrator – and is ready to bring forth some of the best content the Newspaper has ever had to offer. Who knows, maybe someone will actually read what he writes. Never seemed to work with the majority of the articles.

 

We are currently working on an exclusive interview with Batman, but he seems to only respond with 'Because I'm Batman!'

 

"Why did you decide to apply for the newspaper? Why did you think you'd be an outstanding applicant compared to th—"

 

"—Because I'm Batman!"

 

Seems legit.

 

 

The Dictator opens up fast food restaurant and drive-thru McDictators

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

The Dictator was first published in July of 2014. So, we've been doing this for quite some time, yet we never failed to bring you the topnotch news we (so regretfully) assure you. Nonetheless, we have decided to bring forth a drastic change to The Dictator. We are launching a new fast food restaurant and drive-thru company called McDictators!

 

We aim to be the number one fast food restaurant in the entire Tankiverse. We will toil hard to stay original in our ideas, and only bring you the choicest of foods (not really, are food will most probably actually be 95% fat and 5% more fat)! Our goal is too make our customers happy and maybe also poor.

 

Also, because McDictators is owned by us, The Dictator, Tanki's Finest News Source, we will be having huge discounts on everything in our restaurant on newspaper issue release dates.

 

Oh, and finally, if you were wondering why we decided to open up McDictators, it's because we were all kind of hungry.

 

 

Shedinja starts a new life in the Amazon Rainforest

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Our beloved Newspaper administrator has recently departed from his loved ones, and this time it isn't because of school, despite what you might've heard. Here's his official statement he's distributed to the helpers just a few hours ago.

 

"Hey guys, um... I don't know how to say this in a genetic tone, but... I'm quitting. And no, it's not because of school, or work, but because of life and peace, man. Playing Tanki for over 20 years has given me a certain undistinguished vibe, which I cannot depart from my inner soul, man. It's almost like the Sun is in my stomach and my heart longs for a waterfall of love, man. I've decided to totally move to the Amazon Rainforest and being a new peaceful life with the beautiful birds and become one with their soul, man. The universe and my head are like two humans coming together, in love and peace.

 

My mind sticks with my early memories of Woodstock back in 69', at the time I thought it was for weird unthinking losers, but now I get it, man. Man, it's like my eyes have become a microscope looking for love in this small world we live in, as one, man. I'm now whole, or at least I will be, when I get to the misty and rain landscapes of the Amazon.

 

Bye guys,

Shedinja,

Man"

 

Woah... I feel oddly inspired.
 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015
- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017

- April 2017

- May 2017

 

Edited June 9, 2017 by Vikingsrallentando

[Magenta 5,165]

In the last article about Shed....what does 'man' mean? Is it 'man' as in 'hey man wassup' or as in 'the unification of civilisation and love - man'?

[tank_master_tm 3]

Wow, 17 June is my birthday!  :lol: 

17 august is my birthday....

so amazing

[lukey0 27,543]

Brilliant as usual. :LOL: