Food Wars: A Noodle of Hope

[Pyre 3,485]

A long time ago in a galaxy inhabited by dogs...

 

 

Episode IV, A Noodle of Hope. It is a period of famine. Starvation Fighter starships, striking from a hidden base, have won their first victory over the evil Alpha Empire. During the fight, rebellious but highly trainable spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's most disturbing weapon: the Dearth Star, a chemical fertilizing station with enough poison to destroy the food supplies of an entire planet. Pursued by the Empire's agents, Princess Yorkie races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can destroy the Alpha Empire and restore hearty meals to the galaxy.

 

Chapter One

 

            Through the vast darkness of space, Princess Yorkie's ship sped from the wrath of the Imperial Hoover Cruiser hot on its tail. Blasts from the Hoover rocked the Tantrum IV as the crew inside raced to secure the ship from invasion.

            In one of the Tantrum’s halls, a golden protocol droid named CPBO, short for Cyborg Prototyping of Body Odor, turned to his companion, a fire hydrant shaped astromopet who went by the name R2Pee2. "Did you smell that? My olfactory sensors tell me that the main reactor has been blown up. We'll be destroyed for sure. This is worse than the rabies epidemic last spring."

            The astromopet beeped a response.

            "You just wait and see," said CPBO. "It'll be leash and choke chain for the princess this time."

            With the next explosion, cries of barks and growls echoed down the halls as crew members were thrown against the walls like helpless pups. The Imperial Hoover Cruiser had caught up with the ship and hovered above it, its gaping mouth open wide and the sucking mechanism engaged.

            The terrible, hollow roar of the vacuum filled every dog with terror. The rebels barked like mad, but there was nothing they could do. The power of the Hoover Cruiser was too strong, and within seconds, the princess' ship was swallowed by the giant beast.

            Spittle flew as the enemy chewed, growling, through the door of the princess’ ship. White-suited bathtroopers poured in, armed with the dreaded soap-and-water guns that shot a wet mixture of corrosive, industrial strength cleaning fluid in a high-pressure blast that could kill even the strongest and most foul-smelling canine, and at the very least would leave any dog cowering in shame or shocked into catatonic defeat.

            Soon dead rebels littered the floors. Those who remained were overcome by the scent of blood. In their hunger they gnawed at the bodies, swallowing organs whole and cracking bones with their teeth in a desperate attempt to fill the black holes of their stomachs. Hunger having been bred out of the Alpha army, the bathtroopers remained undistracted as they gunned down the feasting rebels left and right.

            Then, into the choking odor of the soap-filled ship stepped the ominous figure of the Alpha Empire's leader, Doberman Vader. Sleek, muscular and fierce in appearance, the feared canine sniffed the air, then lifted a leg and pee'd on the wreckage. One of the guard dogs, a young Golden Retriever who had appeared dead, opened his eyes, saw the black-cloaked stranger trespassing on his territory, and ran to attack. But Vader stared him down with such authority that the guard dog slunk away with his tail between his legs and promptly admitted himself to the detention ward.

 

 

***

            Searching for his counterpart, from whom he'd become separated, CPBO entered a dark hallway where he spotted the R2 unit. The princess was there, bent over the astromopet and sniffing every corner of its fire hydrant shape and the thousands of scents that dogs had left there.

            Princess Yorkie was a small dog with a nubby tail and a lot of black and gold hair, which was trimmed short everywhere except below her ears, where it was wound up in coils. She was a pretty dog, muscular yet light-footed, slightly larger than a typical Yorkie. Despite her small size, she possessed a confidence that other dogs willfully bowed to, a trait undoubtedly cast upon her by the Doberman heritage with which her Yorkie blood had been crossed.

            CBPO watched as the princess scratched at R2Pee2's side and slid an object into his memory bank. She spoke to him then, stopping once to lick her paw, then looked around as if she smelled something suspicious, turned a knob on the astromopet, and ducked into the shadows.

            CPBO hurried to his counterpart. "They're coming this way," he said. "I don't fear the soap, but who knows what they'll do to us. Send us to the Bone Mines of Kressel perhaps, or smash us into useless heaps of metal. Oh, I can't bear the thought!"

            The R2 unit didn't respond. He headed down the hall.

            "Where are you going?" said CPBO.

            But the droid paid him no attention, and only beeped in irritation as he tried to evade all the passing crew members and their streams of pee.

            “I say, where are you going? Would you come back here? My olfactory sensors are overloading! Oh, help!”

 

***

Meanwhile, Doberman Vader had caught one of the ship's commanders under his paw and demanded to be told the location of the ship’s food pantry.

“The pantry… is… empty,” squeaked the commander from under Vader’s paw.

“Fine,” said Vader. “Then tell me where you hid the stolen battle station plans.”

            As if Vader's dark and fierce appearance was not enough to gain him control of his enemies, he wore a mask with anti-filter technology, a device that amplified the odor magnitude of his every breath by a factor of one million.

            "This… is a consulate ship," said the commander, as he struggled to evade enchantment by the overpowering stench of the evil leader's breath, "on a diplomatic mission..."

            "If this is a consulate ship," said Doberman Vader, "then where is the Head Hound?"

            But all that issued from the commander's throat was a gasp for air as Vader exhaled forcefully onto him, sending him into spasms that made him defenseless as Vader pushed his own mask aside and bit into the dog's neck, killing him.

            Making a quick meal of the commander, and growling as he ate in case any of the bathtroopers in attendance forgot their training, Vader licked his lips, replaced his mask, and said to the troopers, "Tear this stupid ship apart until you've found those plans! And bring me the passengers. I want them raw. I mean, alive."

 

      

Chapter 2 is coming(eventually).

 

 

 

This is an extract from a book by its author.

 

 

Edited June 26, 2017 by tweezers

[tweezers 1,034]

Approved. 

 

-Formatted it a bit to aid readability. 

 

It's quite nice. 10/10 would sniff.

[Penguin40 1,714]

I won't be surprised if Star Wars sues you for copyright issues xD

 

Otherwise, this is ridiculously hilarious, good job :p

[Pyre 3,485]

I won't be surprised if Star Wars sues you for copyright issues xD

 

Otherwise, this is ridiculously hilarious, good job :P

Dont worry, I researched the laws for parodies, its fine.

 

 

I think.   :ph34r:

 

[fe4f3 1,002]

A Tofu of hope.

Edited June 27, 2017 by fe4f3

[Pyre 3,485]

A Tofu of hope.

Tofu is the enemy of all dogs! Its proteiny, but is plant matter!

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Tofu is the enemy of all dogs! Its proteiny, but is plant matter!

♫ Beans, beans ♫

♪ The magical fruit it's technically a protein-based plant, but shush ♪

♪ The more you eat ♪

♪ The more you toot ♪ 

 

♪ The more you toot ♪

♪ The better you feel ♪

♪ So eat your beans ♪

♫ At every meal ♫

[Tofu 6,773]

Lets not go off topic

Edited June 28, 2017 by Mr.Meowth
This post is also off-topic xD

[Pyre 3,485]

Lets not go off topic

Anyone who wants to go off-topic please leave this page and go here.

Edited June 28, 2017 by Pyre

[Mjro7 2,837]

waiting chapter 2 :)

[Pyre 3,485]

waiting chapter 2 :)

Oh, someone actually wants to read this? Cool, I will post the second chapter this afternoon. (I didnt do it earlier because I forgot :D)

[Mjro7 2,837]

Oh, someone actually wants to read this? Cool, I will post the second chapter this afternoon. (I didnt do it earlier because I forgot :D)

ok waiting ^_^

[Pyre 3,485]

ok waiting ^_^

I posted it, now I just have to wait for approval. I should try to remember to post the others, I have up to chapter 7 ready B)

[Pyre 3,485]

Nah, the section is too dead now

Dont tell people that!

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Dont tell people that!

he is bound by his motto to tell nothing but the truth