The Kidnapping:

[LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH 1,921]

 

 

“Dad! Wake up or I’m gonna be late to school!”

 

“Ugghmmm...” Charles grumbled, “I’m coming, Amy!” Charles got out of his bed. Being down with the flu, doing even the simplest of things seemed to require a lot of effort. Charles promptly changed his clothes and scurried to his car.

 

“Go! Go! Go! We can’t be late dad! I have math!”

 

“We won’t be late honey, besides, you’re the best at math; there’s nothing your teacher will teach that you won’t get,”

 

“I know dad, but I want to keep my good reputation with Mr. Smith!”

 

So their conversation kept going. The seconds turned into minutes, and before Amy knew it, she was at school. Charles turned to look at his daughter. Her face was red as a tomato. After taking a guess, it was quite evident that she was looking at John, her friend.

 

“Hey, you have math class, remember? Also, if you like John, do something about it; don’t wait forever.”

 

Amy’s face turned brighter still, “I don’t like him, dad!”

 

“Amy, you looked at him and then you flustered so much that you looked like a tomato for a second. Of course, you like him! Besides, I know you, you’re not one to talk about what you feel much.”

 

Amy had no words, except for “Bye dad! Love you.” After which she jumped out of the car and ran into her school.

 

“I told you I’ll take care of her Stacy…” , Charles talked to a picture “We should never have had a fight. It’s my fault you aren’t here today. If you can hear me, I love you.” He started heading back towards his house, completely unaware of the terror that was coming. Charles’ life was a sad story. He was born an orphan and pretty much self-raised. He had been abused and hurt a lot of times as a child. People made him do things he couldn’t bring himself to remember. Terrible things. Later, when he married Stacy, he hoped things would be different. That his horrible life would be left behind. It was left behind, until the one night when he lost her. She had come home late, after finding out that Amy had been drinking with her friends. Boiling with rage, she yelled at Charles and they had a fight. In the aftermath of the fight, she went out for a drink, to drown her sorrow. What resulted, was a fatal accident. Her car had been hammered apart by a truck when she was returning home. Charles had tried to get over it, but he simply couldn’t stop blaming him himself it. The pain, the anger, and the frustration was just too much.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Back at the school, Amy was talking to her crush.

 

“Soo… John. How did you solve the math for problem?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“I mean… uh… How did you do the Quadratic equation,” her face started looking like a tomato

 

“Amy are you okay?”

 

“Uhh...yes… bye!” Amy quickly walked off to her Math class, wondering what had overcome her. She heard a loud sound, followed by the lights of the corridor turning off. She quickened her pace but forgot to look in front. An open locker door caused her to trip and fall

 

“Ahhh!!!!” She shrieked in pain and touched her feet. Her ankle felt out of place. The bone was protruding from her foot. If this wasn’t bad enough, she heard gunshots coming her way. A teacher came out of her door to investigate the racket but collapsed to the floor after being shot. There were three men, each with a pistol and a black mask on their face. The first was tall and muscular. He looked about 20, the same as his other colleague, who was tall and thin. In front of them walked a short and stout man, who must have been over 40 easily, from the way he walked.

 

The men tried to open a door. They rattled it and shook it violently. Then they kicked it. Nothing worked. They pulled out their guns again and fired at the door, but it was padded with metal. They tried another door. Same thing. Then they turned towards Amy. She was moving as fast as she could, but there was no way she would be able to outrun the men in black.

 

“There!” One of the voices cried.

 

The three men started running towards Amy. She tried to move faster, despite her injured ankle. She made it to a door and violently kicked the door while screaming “Open the door! It’s me, Amy!” It was no use. The men enclosed on her.

 

“What do you want?!” Amy yelled, completely unsure if she was so scared because of these men or because of the bone coming out of her ankle.

 

“All we want is a little money.” Replied the short and stout one. Then he pulled out a wet cloth from his pocket and placed it against Amy’s face. She struggled for breath, but after a few moments, everything went black.

Edited November 23, 2017 by LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH

[Destrod 2,634]

Approved.

 

- Few removals of grammatically and contextually incorrect words

- Changes in future/ present perfect tenses

 

The plot, unlike last time, is really simple and deep, although you should try to execute it with the least complexity. The abduction was cliché for me, but I'm sure the plot will deepen overtime. A justifiable start overall!

[LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH 1,921]

Approved.

 

- Few removals of grammatically and contextually incorrect words

- Changes in future/ present perfect tenses

 

The plot, unlike last time, is really simple and deep, although you should try to execute it with the least complexity. The abduction was cliché for me, but I'm sure the plot will deepen overtime. A justifiable start overall!

Excellent to hear that. What do you mean when you say I should try to execute it with the least complexity.

 

About the cliche thing... I'm going to try to make this as non-cliche as possible, but I don't think it will be easy. Nonetheless, I have a plan for how to make the story go. Thanks for taking the time to read and provide me with feedback

[Destrod 2,634]

Excellent to hear that. What do you mean when you say I should try to execute it with the least complexity

A basic method film-makers and novel writers specially use to keep their quality at the maximum level is to keep the number of people limited if the plot isn't strong enough.  For example, survival movies are ultimately based simply; survival of the lead character and human kind. But more complex movies with more in-depth plots such as Lord Of The Rings and Sci-Fi movies require more characters to fit in each scene. What I am suggesting is, if you don't have a deep enough plot for your story, don't squeeze in too many characters, which you unfortunately did in your previous series.

[Best_of_thunder_2015 1,354]

Hey, plot is nice but, 

I notice that this story is been well-known by others, kidnapping a child and asking money, hm.. 

make twist, i feel like its is a short one. I think you are the only one writing stories and news paper comes month.. Feeling hungry provide me suspense. Please. 

[LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH 1,921]

Hey, plot is nice but, 

I notice that this story is been well-known by others, kidnapping a child and asking money, hm.. 

make twist, i feel like its is a short one. I think you are the only one writing stories and news paper comes month.. Feeling hungry provide me suspense. Please. 

Oh, I'll give you a twist alright. 

[Legacy 754]

Amy the tomato girl :(