Other [Issue 71] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - January '18

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

 

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online Newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests or just about anything related to the community or game; and you can trust us to cover it all. 

 

 

Christmas tree in the New Year map loses power 
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

Have you noticed that the tree lights on the New Year map were out for a short bit? Well, no, it wasn't a bug or glitch, it was just some klutz who apparently got the cable stuck in his tracks and pulled it around the map three times before finally ripping it, causing a fire to start in the western area of the map.

 

Fire Chief @Hate told one of our reporters that it was a definite three-alarm fire and took around six hours to completely put out. He said the fire started at around 7:30-ish in the evening and wasn't out until 1:00 AM!

 

"Ya, it was hard, we had eight trucks on the scene. Thankfully no one was hurt, being the fire started while the area was deserted. Unfortunately, though, some nearby houses needed to be evacuated immediately and have since succumbed to smoke damage. The residents have since been transported to Red Alert's shelter, being it was the closest shelter available.

 

I'd like to also notify all your readers that the perimeter of the area where the fire was has been closed off and is not to be entered. We've got a few reports of daredevil teenagers going passed the taped off zones.

 

Our thoughts and prayers are with those who are have lost their homes to this incidents, and we hope we could resolve the situation as soon as possible."

 

Red Alert Homeless Shelter

 

The tanker who caused the fire to start has since been identified as Max Kirov, Semyon Kirov's son. His father, who also happens to be our former Community Manager has responded to the press saying he's sorry for his son's misbehavior and carelessness and says he'll pay for all the damages caused by the fire with all that dough he made from his job as CM.

 

 

Major blackout causes widespread panic

By @Marc

 

The introduction of the new paint, Holiday Lights was extremely positive. Player feedback, on the whole, was largely supportive. Players' excitement can be seen in this post, this post, this post, this post and … well you get the point, the list goes on. Unfortunately, a Tanki-wide blackout caused this new paint to no longer light up. As you can imagine, players are rather enraged and demanding refunds!

 

 

Godmode_ON accidentally shows his true colours this New Year 
By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

The community wasn't expecting much from @Godmode_ON around this jolly time of year; everyone expected him to be on holiday with "family." But they were wrong. Godmode showed up to the New Year map on December 25th, looking a little different than he normally would.

 

He joined a battle full of legends, probably expecting to dominate the battlefield, when he spawned right in the centre of the map, wearing the 'Sweater' paint. A rather hilarious atmosphere grew amongst the tankers. Everyone began laughing at Godmode as he scurried away. He dropped gold boxes to distract tankers, but everyone was more interested in chasing him instead.

 

He got away after a long couple of minutes of being chased, and hasn't been seen since. "It'll be quite some time before he decides to show up again," told a group of AWC members in an exclusive interview.

 

 

Alternativa invests in glorious new technology!

By @Marc

 

In light of recent terrorist events, Alternativa, just in time for the holiday celebrations, has had an innovative breakthrough! After several long months of waiting, their patent has finally been approved. Their optimistic CEO, LoRd.S3rg3I.MLG has wasted no time implementing this new technology into the game. Now, the state-of-the-art Televisions installed in maps such as Stadium and Factory are impenetrable; completely bulletproof! Take a look at the first trial run:

 

.

 

---

 

Reporter Administrator caught stealing donuts

By @Yisroel.Rabin

 

In the spirit of the holidays, there has also been an increase in crimes committed in the United States, one of which by our own Reporter Administrator. @Flexoo was caught breaking into a sweets shop called "Sem's Goods" after midnight on New Years.

 

A day after his initial arrest for breaking in and potential stealing donuts, his house was raided by the T.O.C.I.C. (Tanki Online Crimes Investigations Comity) and the SSD (Stolen Sweets Department). Traces of over one million donuts were found around his house, all of which from bakeries around the world.

 

A further investigation into Flexoo's background, and his true identity is discovered: An evil mastermind plotting up his plan to take over the Tankiverse in his underground laboratory in Zimbabwe, who also happens to have an odd addiction to donuts.

 

His bunker has since been closed off and Flexoo has been sentenced to life in the highest prison on Earth; Prison of South West Magistral.

 

 

Russian Community Manager loses all his money to gambling

By @Marc

 

Kasim had an eventful New Year. He started the year by purchasing 2,000 Containers in order to get the elusive new Synesthesia paint. Unfortunately, things didn't go to plan. He was unsuccessful and had gambled all his life savings away. Now, not only does he work longer hours but he can no longer afford clothes! He has been seen, for five days straight, wearing the same clothes! 

 

 

 

New Year brings new resolutions for the Helper Team

By @Destrod

 

It's that time of the year again, and Sergei alabanov's White KnightsJhave re-taken their oaths in servitude. After the emergence of the Best Helpers of 2017, the entire team was compelled to change their ways. 

The Reporter team, known for it's all supreme power excessive importance in nothing, has vowed to break the sacred code of multhood. Supreme Leader FFlexoo got his hands on a cracking whip, and he is not afraid to use it on those who fail to provide three articles per-hour. It has been predicted that at this rate, interviews and troll articles such as this one will become a lot more common. RIP guide writers. I-

The chat moderation team has been revamped, with even harder selection criteria (as if it wasn't hard enough), greater moderation time shifts, and access to a new kind of software, codename: Knife Sharpener. Upon usage, it directly transfers a banned user to an isolated island, where the community manager shall slowly torture his victims. Methods include strapping to a chair and forcing to watch Dora the Explorer, creating belief in the flat-Earth Theory, and hypnotizing the victim to say that the Harry Potter movies were better than the books. Brrr, typing this makes me shiver.Q

EForum moderators have received a....gem of a treat. Geddit? Special paint Ruby? A gem? *cough* moving on, their new year resolution requires them to pay homage to their admin, in the form of progress in the Helpers vs Players Forum Game. FYI, the helpers are trailing by 2269...D...2270 points. The moderators also received Forum Character Powers, which gives them special powers based on their names. For example, @Ninja can browse the forum whilst being hidden from the public eye, @SwiftSmoky received a cool new avatar which features a forum moderator avatar, quickly switching between Goldleaf and Marlboro cigarettes, @Hate has the ability to.. *cough* oh boy.T

Other helper groups received similar modifications, all involving an admin rising to dictatorship, new toys to playA with and Nives, sitting on the corner chair with a smug look of pride on his face:

 

 

 

 

Synesthesia secret password leaked

By @Marc

 

This prestigious new paint has resulted in hours of tireless searching for some desperate tankers. Whilst most have been largely unsuccessful and nowhere near the answer, we, the Reporter team, with our combined efforts, have finally solved it! No, this wasn't supposed to get out and yes, this is strictly confidential but the truth must get out! This poem will assist you in finding the password and give you what you desire:

 

R̢̞͍̟̟̝͡e̖̣̠̕͢͢a̤̻̞̻͈̣͞d̸͉̠͚̥̜̥̗ ͉̫̬̗̠̰̣́o̝̬̰͜n҉̯͔̳͎̖̮͙͎̰͢ ̩̼̞i̡͙͇̦͚͈̺̱̩ͅf̖ ͇̟̪͕y̴̗̩̯̼̣̲͉ͅò͈̤͟ͅͅu̜̻̲̱͟ͅ ̶̺̹͙͝͡d̜̼̫̙͚a̸̝̬̕͞r͎̩̗̯̩͎͓͚e̛̱̱̦͟!̡̦̭̘͖̪͇

̨͈̫Ț̺̭̘͟͞h̩͎̱̳̻͓̝͇e̯̪ ̧͈͖̤̜̳̞̲̼͝p̷̨̻͓͔̝͉͍̘a̶̜̺t̵̺̲ḥ̶͉̳̩͙̬̀ ̭̼̬̼͙̼̞͜i̩̹̮͕s̝̻̦̣̺͢ ͙̫͈̲̥̩̙͢d̵̟̻à̜͔̝̜̳̗͜ń͈͚͈̤̘̗͇̻͡g͏̻͢e̬̫̠͚̹̪͜ͅr̵͎̘̘͡o̧̬̟̤̭̟̟̫͎̘u̖̥̳͈̪̮̙̹͢͢͜s̨͔̜̩̬,̨͈̦̠͘ ̨̯͟b̟͕̼̘̮̣e̡̪̣̕w̹̝̖̲̪͝a̵̼̩̙r̡̨͓̥̻̬e͔̝͈͉̦̜̦̹̲!҉̲̜̳̜̱̩̙
̸̛̖̪̦̮
̷̵̬̘T̡̘̖o̴͔̠̦̩͢ ̵̥̻͚͝f̣͕̦͓̠̩͠ͅị̸̬̼͉͍͉̖͞n̫̺d̳̙̹̲ͅ ̟̲̜̭̞̳̖̼t̨̩̦̮h̴̶͖̼̙͎̣̗͖̦͡e̼̥̳̯̯͈͝ ̣ͅp̨̻̲͞à̠̫̠̱͉̳̼̭̟s͏̢̠̬̭͖̦̗s͇̣͖̺̯͘ͅw̭̫͎͔̭͖͢͢͞ò̧̞̙r҉͎̱͇̫͙̤͕͟ḏ̶̥̣͕̺
̴̩̝͍̺̕Y̧̬͉͕̦̦̣̗̘̙o̴͉̳̤̞̪̙u̩͉̗̪̞͜ ͓̰͡m̰̝̥̤̱͔ư̵͕̘̩͎̖͝s̷̲͔̕͝t͡҉̝ ̬̼̺̠͉̫̀b͕̰̣̝̖͜͞ę̦̻̦ ̢̥̜̰̰̗͉͇̭̖͜a̰̱̮̬͙͕̗̳ ̡̛̮d̘̼̞e̴̢̼̰͚̞̣̦͜s̛̛̟̩̟͞p͍͢͞e҉̠̯̟͝r̢̹̩͔̕͜a͚̞t̢̤̹̣̠̦̫̕͡e͈̣̻̫͓̜͔̼͇ ̶̨͚͍̯͍̪͇̼͢ń̟̭͕͇̘̤̀ͅe̶҉̖̺̯̹̫́r̭̮̲̥̭̠͜d̲̙
̮͉͔̪̼͖͟
҉̲̰̺̟̜͙͔Ṭ̫͔͇̻͘h͢҉͕̩̣̯͙̘̥́ȩ̴̼̼̯̖̰ ̗͎̲̬͘ͅͅp̶̷̯̥͈̱͎a͞͏͍̖͓̜̞͇̱͓ş͔̮s̵̶͇͔̼̹̠̻͔͠w͈͉̼̟͓͕̼̱͎̕o̡̧͖̜̟͞r̮̝d̷̰͕́ ̴͈͉̥̼̰̼̗ͅi̸̼͈͓͘͝s͇̬̹̦̫̤ ̴̗̣͕̖̠͚̞̞͚.̢̪̟̥̥̩͉͟.̸̡̹̦̙̹̥̦̮͞ͅ.̹̹͕̞̻͘͡
̬͕̝̟̞̤̀͟h̶̹͞͡ͅͅh̜̩̭͟h̴̛̺̳̙̥͉̩̹ͅh͔̳̫̫̺͍̼͞h̨̫͖͇̼͙̫̟͢ḍ͓̜͙̺̮͎͍͟3͏̨̹̳̝̪̟̙̗s̗͚̗͖̳͎̳g̦͈̖͇̣͇̦̱̩e̺̮̬̠̹t҉̨͙̹͓r͜͏̮͍͔͙̮̳̠͕ę̸̖k̴͙̙͕̰ͅt҉̣̪̘͟m̛͔̹̜͎͓͚̹͠i̪͙̟͘̕s̸̺̗̗̲͟͠ͅl̵҉͇͉e̲̯̯̹̖̝̯̕a̯̠͕̬͟d̸̛҉͎n̵҉̹o̷̶͔̰͝o̢̡̘̠̥̱̯̲͙̰͔͠o͍̫̭̖̫̤̣b̵̪̗̀

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

 

The Dictator Issues

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015

- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017
- April 2017
- May 2017
- June 2017

- July 2017

- September 2017

- October 2017

- November 2017

- December 2017

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Dictator Specials

- The Dictator Special | Origins of Nives

 

[Magenta 5,165]

Marc has proved to be a good mult.

[govenier 1,202]

Interesting

[SwiftSmoky 8,445]

 @SwiftSmoky received a cool new avatar which features a forum moderator avatar, quickly switching between Goldleaf and Marlboro cigarettes 

but I @Hate cigarettes, this disgusting smell (and effects on health, which is very important for a parkourist, or anyone who wants to get a little higher chance to live forever)... I'll never smoke them, I get high naturally anyway :P

 

I prefer a potato avatar :)

[saurabhmann 509]

I prefer a potato avatar :)

Like this ?

:ph34r:

[DjSlimePlayz 3]

its hhhhhd3sgetrektmisleadnoob

where do you type it?

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

where do you type it?

If you mean to ask where we type our articles, the answer would be in a secret hidden laboratory underground far away in Africa.

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

Marc has proved to be a good mult.

Thanks. :rolleyes:  

its hhhhhd3sgetrektmisleadnoob

where do you type it?

I’d post the link here but there’s a bitta swearing on the site. :ph34r:

I used Zalgo Text Generator, though.

[AdrielRB 598]

Lol, great article Yis c:

[Magenta 5,165]

Lol, great article Yis c:

What happened to you're rank?

 

Thanks. :rolleyes:

Yw mult. Don't forget to swell up with the praise, because that's part of the sacred multhood.

Edited January 21, 2018 by Magenta

[LostEmpire 1]

what is that password used for?

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

what is that password used for?

Nothing. It was just a joke.

[AdrielRB 598]

What happened to you

I'm leaving the game, I blocked my main acc and I'm waiting to get my forum acc blocked too

[Magenta 5,165]

Nothing. It was just a joke.

And you just ruined it.

[House 135]

awesome!