The Kidnapping: Death wish

[LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH 1,921]

Something cold pressed hard against Charles’ head.

 

“Well, well, well. Look who it is. Mr. Charles, am I right? You’re here for your daughter, aren’t you? I’m afraid we can’t let her go. She knows something we can’t have anyone knowing.”

 

By this point, Charles was angrier than the Hulk. In a flash, Charles turned around and fired a bullet which lodged itself right in the middle of the man’s eyes.

 

“I wasn’t asking for your permission.” In the past few days, Charles had become cold and distant. Since his daughter had been taken, he had been incapable of rationally thinking. He really was starting to lose his sanity. The first indication of this had been when he killed the man only minutes before. Now he briskly walked through the hallways of a massive warehouse, covered with plants and littered with bullet casings. Abruptly, there was a sound of metal scraping against bricks. Faint, but there nonetheless. Charles followed the sound until it led him to an open door with a chair in it. Tied to the chair was bloody and hurt Amy.

 

Charles couldn’t help himself. He ran to Amy and untied her, and proceeded to bombard her with more questions than she could count. After a short reunion between the two, footsteps were heard. Somebody was coming. Charles told Amy to sit on the chair and hid behind the door himself. Two men in black clothes came into the room.

 

“Stupid girl, who was here?! We know someone was, tell us and we’ll kill you quickly!”

 

“What are-?” Before she could finish her sentence, Charles quickly fired two shots. Both men fell to the floor, dead. 

 

“Dad?! What...What happened to you?! How could you kill those men?! Are you okay?!”

 

“I’m fine sweetie,” Charles replied, knowing for certain that he wasn’t, “ I just didn’t want you to get hurt anymore.”

 

“But dad, How could you become this… this… this dark and twisted?!”

 

“I DON’T CARE HOW MANY LIVES HAVE TO BE TAKEN TO KEEP YOU SAFE! THAT’S WHY I KILLED THEM.” Charles told Amy to get up and then the two started walking out. Another man tried to stop Charles but was greeted by a bullet.

 

“Amy, why do these goons want you dead so badly? What is it that you know?” Amy knew something happened to her father. He was not usually one to be so aggressive. Something had broken inside of him while she was gone.

 

“Dad... When grandma came down with cancer… Mom couldn’t take it. But she knew.. She knew that she couldn’t ask you for money; we could barely help ourselves get by, let alone pay someone’s hospital bills. That was… then she started to smuggle and sell what she smuggled for lots of money. One day someone told her because something went south… It was someone else’s fault, but mom took the fall. The boss… mom said how he was going to kill her, I guess that makes sense now.”

 

“AMY, HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME THIS?!” Charles could feel it. He was really starting to fall apart. First his wife, then his daughter, and when he found his precious child, such a nasty secret was revealed. He couldn't bear it anymore- the pain of living.

 

“Am-” Before he could finish his sentence, he heard gunfire. Just as he managed to find cover behind a tree, Amy fell to the floor, blood flowing from her stomach. Charles blew his top. He went out of his cover and perfectly planted three bullets into his enemies who were returning fire. From the looks of it, the one at the back was the boss. Just as he was closing in on the boss after disarming the three bodyguards, a barrage of bullets tore through his body. He could feel the immense pain, but he knew he had to keep going. The boss saw that Charles was wounded and tried to get away. Before he could, Charles picked up a rock and threw it at the man’s head, and closed in on his victim.

 

As Charles got closer, the man’s figure became clearer. The bloke was short and stout with little muscle but was covered in black from head to toe.

 

“MC, you jerk! You're the one who texted my wife the night she died, isn't that right?!” 

 

“Yes, I am. What do you intend to do about it? I’m the one with the gun and you’re bleeding out with your daughter back there.” MC said, pulling out his pistol and taking off his mask. Behind the mask was not the face of a killer. MC looked like he was an average 9-5 working man who did nothing out of the ordinary. The circumstances would say otherwise.

 

He pointed the gun at Charles, who instantly raised his hands and dropped the rock.

 

“You wanna know why I killed her? Why I took Amy?”

 

“Because Amy knew about what happened to Stacy, isn’t that right? TELL ME THE TRUTH”

 

“That too, yes. But it was also my family. See, Stacy… she sold some of my goods to my 12-year old daughter and her…” MC wiped a tear from his eye, “she passed away.” Charles took this chance to make MC pay. His enemy’s eyes were blocked by his hands, so Charles bent down for the rock, picked it up and chucked it straight at MC’s face.

 

MC fell backwards. Charles picked up the rock again and started violently smashing it at MC’s face while yelling expletives. By the time it was done, MC’s face was so disfigured that he was unrecognisable. Charles limped over to Amy. He called her name, but she didn’t move. 

 

Charles bent down towards her and fell to the floor. His own wounds were catching up with him. The past few days had been the worst of his life. Everything he ever valued was lost to him. His wife, his daughter… even his life. The worst part was that even in her last moments, Amy couldn’t come to terms with her father. She couldn’t see him the same way, let alone love him. Charles started howling in tears, letting massive floods of sadness out. Once he was done, he pulled out the gun Rebecca gave him one last time and pulled the trigger.  

Edited December 9, 2017 by LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

Approved.
 
I was rather reluctant to approve this piece due to the amount of swearing in it. Yes, we were a bit lenient on the swearing with Hippin's previous article but I think this profanity was too blatant. Anyways, there were a few corrections:

• Text changed to Trebuchet MS 14 (standard text)
• One instance where you said "MC fell backward" should be backwards.
• I would avoid saying "even God couldn't ..." because that's just not right. I changed it to say "he was unrecognisable"
• One sentence read "he ducked behind a tree" which doesn't quite make sense. I instead said, "he managed to find cover behind a tree."  I understand that this kinda kills the hype but if you really wish, you can change it to something like, "he leapt for cover and hid behind a tree."
• There were quite a few sentence rephrases as there was quite a bit of swearing. I replaced some words with milder alternatives, such as "goons."

Onto the piece itself - it was alright but felt somewhat forced. The expression in the text sometimes just didn't seem right. I'd have completely rephrased a lot of it but then that would be me doing the piece, not you. Also, I'd avoid going with names like "MC" and stuff because it just doesn't feel right calling someone by an abbreviation. Unless it's supposed to stand for something important?

Edited December 9, 2017 by Marc

[LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH 1,921]

Approved.

 

I was rather reluctant to approve this piece due to the amount of swearing in it. Yes, we were a bit lenient on the swearing with Hippin's previous article but I think this profanity was too blatant. Anyways, there were a few corrections:

• Text changed to Trebuchet MS 14 (standard text)
• One instance where you said "MC fell backward" should be backwards.
• I would avoid saying "even God couldn't ..." because that's just not right. I changed it to say "he was unrecognisable"
• One sentence read "he ducked behind a tree" which doesn't quite make sense. I instead said, "he managed to find cover behind a tree."  I understand that this kinda kills the hype but if you really wish, you can change it to something like, "he leapt for cover and hid behind a tree."
• There were quite a few sentence rephrases as there was quite a bit of swearing. I replaced some words with milder alternatives, such as "goons."

Onto the piece itself - it was alright but felt somewhat forced. The expression in the text sometimes just didn't seem right. I'd have completely rephrased a lot of it but then that would be me doing the piece, not you. Also, I'd avoid going with names like "MC" and stuff because it just doesn't feel right calling someone by an abbreviation. Unless it's supposed to stand for something important?

Hmmm... I see. I used the language, to basically show how the character really lost it by the end, and I used the asterix because I wasn't entirely sure whether certain words are alright for here. Thanks for your feedback!

Edited December 9, 2017 by LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH
removed profanity

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

Hmmm... I see. I used the language, to basically show how the character really lost it by the end, and I used the asterix because I wasn't entirely sure whether certain words are alright for here. Thanks for your feedback!

Yeah, that can also be done with sentence structure and/or using toned-down alternatives, such as "goon, fool, etc." It's not encouraged to use insults but we don't wanna be too suppressive on creativity. "Crap" is alright but seems somewhat immature, always look for other alternatives if in doubt. :)

[LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH 1,921]

Yeah, that can also be done with sentence structure and/or using toned-down alternatives, such as "goon, fool, etc." It's not encouraged to use insults but we don't wanna be too suppressive on creativity. "Crap" is alright but seems somewhat immature, always look for other alternatives if in doubt. :)

I see. So basically, what do you mean when you say "forced"?

[marc.jp_44 20,837]

I see. So basically, what do you mean when you say "forced"?

Well, it felt as though you were forcing yourself to keep writing, instead of just letting thoughts naturally come out. Look, I'm no pro when it comes to writing stories but I'd say there's one of two ways you write a story:

• You plan it out. Think up a general plot, climax and solution; those are the essentials.
• You think of a concept, trial it with an introduction and then just let your mind do the rest; just let the ideas come naturally. 

Both are good options but the second has the most potential. It feels as though you got stuck at some points and ran out of ideas so improvised. If you don't know how to progress through the plot, just take a small break and think it out - don't force yourself to write something else. Anyways, just suggestions, feel free to not take it onboard, I could be completely wrong. :)

[LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH 1,921]

Well, it felt as though you were forcing yourself to keep writing, instead of just letting thoughts naturally come out. Look, I'm no pro when it comes to writing stories but I'd say there's one of two ways you write a story:

• You plan it out. Think up a general plot, climax and solution; those are the essentials.
• You think of a concept, trial it with an introduction and then just let your mind do the rest; just let the ideas come naturally. 

Both are good options but the second has the most potential. It feels as though you got stuck at some points and ran out of ideas so improvised. If you don't know how to progress through the plot, just take a small break and think it out - don't force yourself to write something else. Anyways, just suggestions, feel free to not take it onboard, I could be completely wrong. :)

AHHH I see what you mean!

 

You mean that it seems like some of the parts are wayyy to streched out and I should either make it shorter or improve the strength of my plot. Got it.