The Leaky Mult #2 New Year 2018

[Merovingian 656]

 

"You can laugh about everything but not with everyone," - Pierre Desproges

 

 

Note for paranoids, very serious peoples and YouTuber's fans: This is a work of F.I.C.T.I.O.N. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents either are the products of the authors' noob and overdrived imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. This is not a witch-hunt neither a personal Vendetta.

 

Edito
 
Season Greetings folks,
 
Here is the second edition of the TLM! Yes, we are still alive and kicking.
 
This special time of the year is for celebrations, gift-giving, family gathering and ... introspection. It is time to review your action of the year and to do one last good thing, or at least one if you have not done one yet, before the conclusion of the year. And reading this newspaper is exactly what you need to get that tick off your list!
 
We are delighted that you liked the first edition and hope that you will enjoy even more the new one, which contains more revelations, more breaking news and even more alternative news (we don’t do fake here).

 
Grab a pack of Oreos and good reading! 
 

 

PS: Thank you for all your mails that we received in numbers, and one key question came recurrently, thus we decided to give a group reply here:

 

Q: Can I safely wrap my Fish & Chips with your noob newspaper?

R: Yes, it is food grade and the spicy news will enhance the overall taste of your chips. But, it is not compatible with chicken containing food!

 
Therefore, one more good reason to read the TLM. It is the only newspaper that spices your food and says "Bon appétit".

_______________________________________________________________________________________

⚜ The Unlimited Black Box Rain Glitch - What really Happened?
by The Merovingian
 

During Black Friday, a major glitch known as The Unlimited Black Box Rain Glitch (TUBBRG) occurred (watch video).
 
As much as TO wishes that this unfortunate mishap was buried and forgotten, we have decided to investigate the root cause of the mysterious glitch and expose the direct involvement of both a very famous satirical  journal "The Dictator" and an ex-administrator of the reporter’s team in the matter.

 
Unfortunately, at the start of our investigation, most of our informants were on Russian holidays and 100% of the internal document, related to the affair, have been mysteriously lost on the train between the Molotov and Magadan train stations. These unfortunate turns of events left us with no choice but to use the power of our grey matter (ouch, that’s going to hurt). Consequently, two awesome TLM reporter brains have been put up to great strain during a brain storming session to come up with two plausible theories, one for each of us. Prepared to be enlightened, if not blown up:
 
1/ First theory by Merovingian
Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Night-Sister, ex-administrator, made an article about camping (a long time ago). A Russian developer, call him Ivan, stumbled upon it while roaming the forum for no reason. The article gave him the idea to go camping for the Russian holidays. While packing, Ivan prepared some potatoes sandwiches, but he left one unattended on the desk. A hungry rat came by and snatched it. The food-stuffed rat died near the servers’ room because of an overdose of potatoes that started to ferment in his dead stomach. The smell of the corpse attracted a family of cockroaches that made a nest nearby. Those then crept on a live wire, causing a short-circuit that created a bug in the TO’s system that lead to the TUBBRG. Therefore, I blame Night-Sister.

 
2/ Second theory by Illuminati
Yis, a reporter wrote an article. The "funny" article was published in "The Dictator". Ivan read it. He LMAOed so intensely, that while dropping an "Oh boy!", he dropped his pint of distilled potato juice, which then spilled on his keyboard. The liquid created a short-circuit in the keyboard, which triggered the TUBBRG. Therefore, Illuminati blames Yis.

 

We challenged each others' theories. I disagreed with the Illuminati one because there were 3 major flaws in it:

Firstly, Yis is not that funny, ok.

Secondly, TO’s Keyboard are distilled-potatoes-juice-proof.
Finally, You Can Only Blame Night-Sister, ok.

 
Therefore, his theory, full of holes, is unlikely to be able to explain what really happened. Illuminati was not keen on my theory - he stated a major fact that actually completely destroyed my theory: "There is no such thing as a potato sandwich" he claimed... Darn, I searched the internet, nothing. He was right. Then he countered my three points to consolidate his theory further.

 
First, he pointed out that a developer loaded with fermented potato juice can LMAO at Yis’s funny article, and it is common knowledge that developers upload a lot of it. Now I’m more inclined to accept his pin-point argument. Secondly, my esteemed colleague, and successful reporter, also stressed out that the distilled-potatoes-juice-proof keyboard was installed after the TUBBRG. Darn, he was right again. And finally, the article that caused the burst of laughter was about Night-Sister (here, he just adapted his theory and now blamed Night-Sister instead of Yis. (Smart, isn't he?).

Consequently, Illuminati’s revised theory stands correct and triumphant. I now must concede, accept its theory, and eventually blame Night-Sister (and because we have no other alternative theory to put forward, this one must be the only possible one).
 
Then, dear readers, full of expectation and thirsty for The Truth (with two uppercase T's), there it is, one more mystery solved. And, if you are wondering about another potential TUBBRG occurring following the publication of the next "The Dictator", well…I have both bad news and good news for you. The bad news is: The distilled-potatoes-juice-proof keyboard has now been fitted to all developers  PCs and laptops. As a result, no more TUBBRGs. The good news is: Don’t be sad, because now you will have plenty of time to read more funny articles from Yis.

 

 

△ Staff Christmas Experiment Criticized 
by Illuminati 
 

A resourceful staff member has been publicly "called out" after an approved community experiment, set up by the aforementioned, had its potentially debatable fundamentals exposed.
 
Apparently this individual (who cannot be named, unfortunately), supposedly decided to run an interesting test to see if the Tanki community discriminates between the genders where charity is concerned. According to our sources, this person used a secret alternate account (using the existing name originally) and ask for donations towards making his Christmas better. He then essentially made himself a nuisance, both on the public chat and in the forum. Basically, his appeal went something along the lines of this.
 
(Anonymous): "hi guys, im reely poor and my family kicked me out for playing too much tanki so pls, if you have any gold or spare money spread the love at christmas kthx."
 
Apparently, even after this heart-wrenching piece and several hours of trying non-stop, Anonymous eventually gave up, especially after the one "kind" person who offered to buy him a gift turned out to be a scammer and he very nearly lost his account.
 
But then, the second part of his experiment came into play. He spent $18 to equip himself with a new name - Mrs.Calamity. Then, he repeated the experiment. However, this time the message was a little different.
 
(Mrs.Calamity): "Hi all. I'm going through some tough times right now. Family really trying to ruin Christmas for me (I'm getting no gifts this year). But you could help make this Christmas special for me. Please donate me a gift using these payment links or send me a special in-game gift. Thank you - you guys mean the world to me."
 
Yes, the two appeals to look remarkably similar. Totally no bias involved. Anyhow, the gifts began to roll in: paints, containers, Gold Boxes, crystals and lots of gifts offering deep messages of support. His message even touched the normally cold-hearted Administrator , who wasted her Christmas break sending supportive emails to Anonymous. @TSY_the_crazy also was affected by the appeal, and sent several hopeful date requests via expensive in-game gifts.

 

 

Eventually, after TSY had sent his third date request in under an hour and Mrs.Calamity had racked up close to a million crystals and assorted paints including Flow, Synesthesia, Spectrum and Helper of the month (no one knows how this one got there), Tanki HQ got wind of the operation and decided to intervene, stopping the gift procession.
 
Anonymous revealed his experiment to the world and was immediately received by outraged cries, especially when he told the community that he would not be returning their gifts and intended to keep them. All the former EU6 girl-digging buyers wrote out a lengthy complaint to the CM, , asking for justice to be served.

 

Both Anonymous and Mrs.Calamity disappeared overnight. The general rumor is that he was deported to Siberia.
 
According to a statement by the Chat Moderation team, they did see this dubious experiment happening but decided to overlook it since it was Christmas. Or they were all asleep because everyone knows chat mods are heartless. One or the other.

 

 

⚜ Wild Tanks on the Rampage
by The Merovingian
 
Imagine that you are in middle of a battle, killing opponents by the hundreds to complete the 7000 kills tier, and then several new tanks appear out of the blue. The map is full! How can the map support extra tanks? When you take a closer look, they do not appear to be interested by other tanks, nor do they seem to belong to any team, as their health bar is plain black. Amazing as it seems, you just had your first encounter with a herd of wild tanks! Yes, wild tanks. These savage kinds usually progress in herds, graze in green grassland, and enjoy racing on flat and open spaces. They rarely approach populated areas, and avoid towns and public places. If they do, it would be because their peaceful life has been disturbed.
 
Yet, since the start of cold December, many tankers have made such encounters and reported them to the National Observatory Of Beasts (NOOB). One tanker described to the TLM the rowdy scene he witnessed on Solikamsk:
 
"One teammate was hurrying back to our base with the enemy flag via the main road, when suddenly I spotted a dozen tanks, all wearing a Rhino coat, flanking him. He only survived the encounter because he managed to find shelter at the bottom of a ditch."
 

 

He pursues the recollection of the shocking event:
 
"After this incident, it took some time before everybody recomposed themselves and realized they were undomesticated tanks."
 
And he finished in disbelief:
 
"Wow, I never saw those kinds before, and I think it was a good thing."
 
More stampedes of untamed tanks have been spotted on maps from the Perm region, creating complete confusion in the battlefields. Tankers unfamiliar with this deadly appearance turned on panic mode at first sight of these herds. Soon, they all started to run like headless chickens in the hope escaping an imminent and certain death. Hundreds of scarred tankers contacted the Tanki Online Tech Support to report what they believed to be Russian (hacker) raids. However, these wild tanks are not the domesticated ones that you would find in your garage. TO uses tanks that are bred in captivity and sourced from stud farms located in China. The wild tank lives in the open, among the wild low grasslands around Molotov, where they normally live peacefully. And since the implementation of the natural protection act of the WWF (World Wide Fund for Nature), they have multiplied in numbers.

 
Professor emeritus Coopero, a renowned tank Behaviourist Specialist (BS) from the WWF, has explained to the TLM:

 
"After a week-long observation, we found out that the powerful sound of the new Magnum turret is responsible for their strange behavior. The deep and low sound waves of the potent shell explosion create strong vibrations that spread through the ground over long distances, which disorient the wild tanks' location nerve system."
 
She added that the "results of this inquiry should act as a wake-up call for TO and compel Alternativa to do more testing prior the release of such an overpowered turret."
 
She recommends every tanker to follow the guidelines set out by the NOOB regarding the observation of wild tanks in their natural habitat. Beware the Mammoth. The beast is slow, but it can still crush you easily if you stand between them and their preferred food resource (which is potatoes). Regarding the Hornet and Wasp breeds, they are more tempestuous and not afraid to attack when they sense danger. If they charge headlong at you, then your only chance to survive is to jump into a river.
 
So, the TLM ask its precious readers to think before approaching them. And above all, do not provoke them, stand in front of them, or eat food with potatoes in their vicinity. You have been warned.
 
So long mults…
 
 
△ Insurance Panic as Gamer Runs Wild
by Illuminati
 
Car Insurance companies are contemplating suing Tanki Online after an interesting night left more than 350 vehicles with no data evidence. Tanki Battle Moderators broke into the Wiki facility this morning to find @Maf unconscious and his charge, @RIDDLER_8, gone. It appeared that @Maf had been the handler and keeper of Riddler ever since Riddler went wild with all of his ideas in the I + S section. @Maf had kindly offered to keep Riddler safe and offer him a place to properly think out his deas before he posted the first thing that came into his head.
 
Regardless, we now know that Riddler wasn't ideal during his period of freedom. It is common knowledge even to people like Riddler that most modern vehicles are fitted with a black box, designed to record vital statistics for insurance claims. Unfortunately due to his lack of common sense, Riddler sometimes can't tell the difference between virtual and reality. Hence why many people woke up this morning to find their car broken in to and the black box ripped open. Alarmed onlookers described a "Corpulent wild man covered in lime-green cursing about the amount of drugs he was getting from the boxes". They also said he complained that he never got Spectre and that the RNG was rigged. "I didn't know what RNG meant," said a witness. "But it sounded dodgy so I phoned the police, just to make sure."
 
Thankfully, Riddler was captured early today after trying to buy food using things he called "crystals". He was escorted away, still claiming adamantly that "Tanki is Pay to Win!!" and asking a policeman for gold.
 
However, with the extensive damage done to the black boxes, it means that most of the inhabitants living around the HQ area can no longer make car insurance claims, though the Car Insurance companies are now arguing that Tanki should pay for the damage.  is especially furious after his car insurance told him he couldn't claim on a scratch on his Porsche without the black box evidence.
 
We attempted to interview @Maf for his outlook on it all, but his phone number apparently no longer works. We hope another deportation to Siberia hasn't occurred, but we are fearing the worst.

 

 

⚜ Breaking News: No Gift for Good Kids this Xmas!

by The Merovingian
 
Merry Christmas or not!? TLM is deeply sorry to announce to its youngest and most angelic readers that Christmas is on the verge of being cancelled!  TLM is going to reveal the entire story in this breaking Xmas news special.
 
Unfortunately, this heartbreaking sad tale is about a very special and prominent character. A man who has lost his way and dignity due to a devastating dependency. Long story short, Santa is addicted to the video game Tanki Online! That is it, the cat is out of the bag. Yes, our very beloved game is the source of the issue at hand! How has this happened?
 
Once upon a time, Alternativa approached the old man, known for his good humour and bonhomie, to record his remarkable and unmistakable voice for the special Gold Box siren planned for the TO’s Happy New Year celebrations.
 
The Nutty-One, head of the TO developers’ team at Alternativa, told us that at the time it was "a real honour and privilege to be able to record the beautiful voice of a such famous and jovial old chap". The company wanted to reward him with a "rather large amount of Potatoes", but Santa did not accept anything for his participation:

 
"I’m merry enough to help this game that celebrates the good spirit of winter with millions of kids."
 
However, after further talk, the joyous old man finally accepted the offer of a free account and a free Beginner Pass from the generous Tanki folks.
 
All began innocently - the white bearded man started to play the game and loved it right away, obviously. Him being Christmas Father, toys and games are things he enjoys naturally. However, minutes of fun turned into hours of more fun, and hours then escalated to entire days of non-stop playing. Santa became badly hooked.
 
Puck, Head-elf of Production at the North-Pole Gift factory, expressed concerns about the change of behaviour in his boss. He reported that:
 
"Santa has started to lie to his entourage - Elves, friends, family members and me - regarding the amount of time he was spending playing TO. Additionally, he started to isolate himself from us to spend more time on TO."
 
During the investigation, we learned even more worrying news from Lutin, a little green troll responsible of the Love Of Logistics department (LOL), about an incident that happened last year (2016):
 
"It was the worst time ever", he started, "lots of kids did not get their presents in time". He added that Santa suggested to "give them [kids] a free Tanki account instead" and that would be a "better idea than a boring and noob P2W U-box".
 
Finally, shaking his head, he added with sadness in his voice:
 
"At the start of December time, he grew restlessness and irritable. Mainly because he was unable to play due to his tight delivery schedule of gifts to kids around the world." 
 
"The situation worsens after the Summer Events. At the end of the 48 hours crazy weekend, we realised that Santa did not go to bed at all - and he did not shower." This was disclosed by Santa’s personal elf-assistant, Miss Fairy, and she finally summed up with a tone of urgency in her voice:
 
"He was really a mess and we had to act quickly before the preparation of Christmas 2017".
 
At that time the Distinguished Elves Society (D3S) managed to convince Christmas Father to follow a special rehabilitation program in called the Rehabilitation Experience at Kungur Tabernacle (a.k.a. REKT). Two months later, D3S’s spoke-elf revealed us that the cure was a success and that Santa was clean. He assured us that he did not play TO nor had gone close to a computer since then (all electronic devices have been locked in the Reindeers’ barns). They also assured us that we had nothing to worry about this year and that gifts would be delivered on time and in full.
 
Unfortunately, TLM’s conscientious reporters checked Santa’s ratings and they found out that right after the announcement of the TO Winter special holidays (on the 21^th) Santa’s account was positively active again and he was topping the Scoreboard of the top 100 players for Crystals earned (see the screenshot from the 23^rd of December).

 
 

Santa’s spokes-elf has not responded to our call regarding this information, and we fear that this year, Christmas is in danger. And you will probably not receive your long-waited gift. Consequently, TLM is sending a global message: if you see a prominent old man with a white beard, dressed strangely with a red and white coat and feverishly playing Tanki Online, please contact the emergency line of the D3S’s website.
 
More Breaking news: Father Christmas has been found in a cybercafé in Reykjavik (Iceland’s capital). The owner reported him to the local police, as the old man was stinky and was scaring the kids around him. The LOL's elf-manager succeeded to repatriate him back to the North Pole and managed to get him back to work thank to the invigorating special North-Pole drinks based on potato juice and a full box of Oreos!
 
That was a close shave, but now all is back to normal. However, TLM strongly advises our young readers to hide their PCs and lock their TO accounts during the Eve of Christmas.
 
Merry Christmas to you all.

 

 
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Thank you very much to @mydoom.exe for his special proofreading skills. If you have any question regarding TLM, please leave a post below.
 
As the previous edition did not received 30 likes we did NOT reveal anything about the "Camper Conspiracy" that operates within the very core of TO in this edition. Remember we need more than 30 likes on this edition to be able to publish the terrible, horrific, and scandalous truth! "Likes" do not grow on trees, consequently, you are required to use your finger to click on the like button below, otherwise this secret will remain untold.

 

 
   & 

 
 TLM is the world's first truly independent, non-profit, viewer-supported news and documentary service. It does not accept advertising, government or corporate funding in order to provide real and independent news imbued with verifiable facts, history and context. Its mission is to engage millions of viewers in solving the critical problems of our times, and fighting against the evil chicken industry that we vow to put down once for all. Say No to chicken and join our cause. 

 

Further good read from The Leaky Mult

+ The Leaky Mult #1 - November 2017 by Illuminati & The Merovingian
+ The Leaky Mult #3 - St Valentine's Day 2018 by GrandExecutioner, mydoom.exe & The Merovingian
+ The Leaky Mult #4 - October 2019 by The Merovingian
+ The Leaky Mult #5 - December 2019 by Given, Viking4s & The Merovingian
+ The Leaky Mult #6 - December 2020 by Tokamak & The Merovingian

Edited December 7, 2020 by Merovingian

[Hex 11,520]

Approved!

 

Only six or seven spelling-related errors found (not the differences between American and British English). Good job - this was one quite the read, loved it!

[You.Have.to.die 519]

I loved it! Some of those pictures look well constructed. :)

[Legacy 754]

I love it  :lol: 

[Crip 4,735]

The humour is good, not cringy and the stories/sections are all interesting.

 

It's like The Dictator in some respects and I can see the inspiration for this came from that direction. Pity TLM is already so much better Yis!

 

Keep it up guys!

[Merovingian 656]

Good job - this was one quite the read, loved it!

Thanks

 

I loved it! Some of those pictures look well constructed. :)

Thanks, all screenshot :P

 

I love it  :lol:

 Thanks

 

The humour is good, not cringy and the stories/sections are all interesting.

Keep it up guys!

Thanks.

 

---

"You can laugh about everything but not with everyone," - Pierre Desproges

Edited January 15, 2018 by Merovingian

[Merovingian 656]

The Leaky Mult #3 special St Valentine's Day is coming soon!

[Crip 4,735]

The Leaky Mult #3 special St Valentine's Day is coming soon!

Looking forward to it!