Other [Issue 75] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - May '18

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online Newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests or just about anything related to the community or game; and you can trust us to cover it all. This time around, we've got some trusty community helpers to help us out with delivering the news. Enjoy!


Parkour Survivals 2018 winning trick leaves community members jaw wide open
By @Yisroel.Rabin

This year the organizers dropped everything and chose one winner for the Parkour Survivals contest, and that was because the stunt pulled off by this particular player was simply so epically awesome that not even the coolest of tricks came near the level of awesomeness of this trick. I would describe the trick, but I can't, because that's how amazing it is. I'll just show you.

Will the Tanki Rover ever discover water?
By @GrandExecutioner

At exactly 7:02 am on the 26th of November 2011, the Tanki Rover- aka Cooperosity- was launched.

Any Mr or Mrs. Tanker would be able to regurgitate this date without prompting, as this day signalled the most significant milestone reached by the Tanki Online community. Seriously, if you didn't know what happened on this day, then I seriously question whether you had your head buried in the sandy beach of Rio all this time. Cooperosity was, of course, designed and built by the brilliant mind of 'The Riddler'- the most renowned scientist in the Tankiverse.

More than 7 years later and players are beginning to speculate what exactly the Rover has discovered since its launch. Cooperosity was meant to be “one small step for tank but one giant leap for tank-kind”. The hope for all of us was that water would one day be discovered in the Tankiverse. Every single map has lacked any trace of H2O and its discovery would bring relief to tanks everywhere. So far we've had no reason to hope. Until now.

Recently, a new species was sighted. The Juggernaut. This monster had both brute size and dizzying speed, showing off a strange turret which witnesses have described as a breed between the Railgun and Striker variety.

But what's more is that when our brave tankers finally managed to bring down this beast, they found something odd inside. The tank was potato-powered. Yes, you heard me right. We all know that the engine of a common tank is powered by spinning sugar- not potatoes. The Juggernaut, with its potato-powered engine, clearly shows a new stage of evolution. In fact, The Riddler has already given Tankiologists permission to class this tank as a new species.

 

Common tanks seen responding aggressively to the new species in their territory...

 

Now here's the breakthrough. Sugar dissolves readily in water which means that our engines would break down in an aquatic environment. This may be the main reason why there is no sign of water, on any map, to this day. However, potatoes are insoluble and therefore are completely functional in aquatic conditions. Therefore, the Juggernaut gives us solid evidence that wherever it has come from, there could indeed be water there.

Now all hope will be on the Cooperosity.


Teen Choice Awards in Tanki Online — A revolutionary step for Tanki's celebs
By @Yisroel.Rabin

For the longest of times, celebrities in this humble community have been turned down and given nothing more than a chance to be recognized in local Space Silence parkour battles. With that thought bearing in the minds of the developers, they've introduced a brand new program, stolen straight from the outside teen society; Teen Choice Awards.

Young teens around the community have the chance to, with the little knowledge they have, vote for their favourite Tanki Online celebs! These celebrities include but aren't limited to, YouTubers, famous forum spammers and mults, relatable and funny helpers of the game, and even Nives himself.

This gives all kinds of demographics to grow into something a lot bigger than a friendly comment in the chat, or a friend request from a Warrant Officer; they get to be recognized through a lame show for kids that no one likes and cringes upon being mentioned! So, if you're a teen, be sure to vote for all your favourite people around the community here.

Next Generation Ricochet: A Breakthrough
By darthvadermaximum

It was a busy day as usual for Mr. Adam one of the employees in the Tanki's top secret tank upgrade and research centre. With the recent sales and huge events, the work was kept on piling and Adam couldn't dare take a break from his work. Over the noise of his machinery, we could hear the tankers continuous grumbling over the very high speedup rates that had been levied on them. However, we weren't here to spy on Adams daily work but to steal a very rare damage enhancer...cough... um I mean to take a look at an extraordinary feat that he had accomplished.

After a while, once he had finished his shift he escorted us deeper into the facility where all the research and in his words "Mad Stuff" happens. As he entered the passcode and his personal bunker opened up we could see the beauty in the distance. It was a ricochet... don't get me wrong it wasn't any ricochet but a state of the art version at that, One Mr. Adam himself had worked on. He had managed to cram in a very high-efficiency radio wave receiver into the turret and replace the green monochrome panel on the usual ricochet with an ultra HD crisp display. According to him, this will improve the life of tankers as they will be able to enjoy a wonderful game without missing highlights of their favourite TV show or sports match.

Before leaving the site Mr. Adam assured us he will keep working on it to make it even better and consider adding a VR headset to the turret so that the driver can enjoy his favourite music videos while taking a break. Overall it was an enthralling experience and not to mention we totally did not slack off on our job watching a tutorial called "Ways to cheat your boss to think you actually work" on the new gen ricochet.


Outrage sparks as meteorites crashed In Tanki
By @Hexed

With the biggest comet finally crashing into Dusty Depot and making one hell of a crater a couple of days ago, news of outrage and protests suddenly spread like wildfire. A high ranking official, who we interviewed at the National Space and Galactic Organisation, had the following to say:

"At this time we can neither confirm or deny any facts/statements nor do we know thereasonof this sudden uprising. It is believed to be linked to the Cosmonautics event held in Tanki, as many people have been seen holding boards with the words 'Tanki' crossed out and 'Fortnite' written instead. We will hold a press meeting as soon as we get any further updates on the matter."

Could it be because of the rumours that Tanki Online might've copied ideas and plagiarized them, that is, making comets hit the map in their game as soon as Epic Games decided to it, or is this just a publicity stunt designed to get attention? Your choice, make the right one!


The truth behind 'The Dictator' contest
By @GrandExecutioner

The reveal of 'The Dictator' contest led to an uproar by many who demanded an answer as to why 'Tanki's Finest News Source' had stretched out their tentacles to the public. Well, what is the reason behind the contest? After weeks of intense research, I arrived at the following answer...

Because 'The Dictator' is great, the Reporters are great and the Newspaper is great. All hail the master overbot @Flexoo and the ingenuity of for creating this contest. That's it. The end.

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If you are still reading this then it means my plan has worked. Yisnoclue has read the first few lines of this article and was so impressed that he became convinced he didn't need to read anymore. He approved of the propaganda and decided to publish the piece straight away. But now I can reveal the truth.

If you don't know already, the crystal prizes to fund these contests comes straight from the developers' wallets...obviously. Luckily, these devs are able to earn a steady income from regular in-game corruption and crystal laundering. Now here's the twist. Unfortunately for these developers, an organization called Next International Vanilla Extract Society (or N.I.V.E.S for short) have allied with the Newspaper team to try and take the developers for everything they have. How? By gradually converting every single article into a contest until the devs don't have a single crystal left. Of course, in response to their diminishing bank accounts, it is expected that the developers will be taking their corruption to a whole new level...which is bad news for us players.


Confirmed: Tanki marketing team to begin patterning style after Logan Paul
By @KillerGnat

In a statement released by the Tanki marketing team last night, marketing chief executive Vineet Mormunee (vee-NEET MOHR-mun-ee) confirmed reports that the marketing team was heading in a new direction by incorporating strategies used by Logan Paul in his vlogs.

In an exclusive interview with The Dictator, Mormunee revealed the reason behind the change:

"Frankly, we've regarded him [Logan] as a bit of a marketing god for a while now. The way he advertises his merchandise is exactly the thing we need in Tanki."

Changes are expected to be implemented soon according to our expert sources. We aren't certain what these will entail, but stay tuned for updates.


The Dictator collapses
By @Magenta

If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

The Dictator Issues

- July 2014
- August 2014
- September 2014
- October 2014
- November 2014
- January 2015
- February 2015
- March 2015
- August 2015
- December 2015
- January 2016
- February 2017
- March 2017
- April 2017
- May 2017
- June 2017
- July 2017
- September 2017
- October 2017
- November 2017
- December 2017
- January 2018
- February 2018
- March 2018
- April 2018





The Dictator Specials
- The Dictator Special | Origins of Nives

[GrandExecutioner 1,403]

Enjoyed it! :D

[thunderousrailgunner 1,934]

It was a good read.  :lol:

[Magenta 5,165]

I would have come up with some better stuff had I not procrastinated to the last 5 minutes (literally.. and then I submitted 3 mins late  :P).

Edited May 4, 2018 by Magenta

[Hex 11,520]

I would have come up with some better stuff had I not procrastinated to the last 5 minutes (literally.. and then I submitted 3 mins left :P).

Your entry gave me quite a laugh, I wasn't expecting that xD

[Magenta 5,165]

Your entry gave me quite a laugh, I wasn't expecting that xD

Good to know :).

[lukey0 27,543]

Nice :LOL:

[BabyG0D 106]

:D so many nice entries congrats to all who won.. Also i had expected people to find my second entry better O.o but my first one was selected :P

Btw a correction in mine the heading should have "generation" not "neneration"

[gokuMI6 1,290]

OMG Mag you flipped Flexoo ?

Now who is gonna make Potato juice to run the Newspaper ?

:D

[Pyre 3,485]

Saved the best for last :lol:

[maryam98 1,171]

I thought it would be an article, not an image.. But that gave me the only real laugh from this edition so it was obviously the best xD.

[bc200214_777 582]

lol these are great

[DS-eja 0]

nice one magenta

[DS-eja 0]

And the dictator editors flip!

 

https://makeagif.com/i/0Wnjmh