Wreckage

[C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R 3,845]

Wreckage

The following story is entirely fictional.

 

I still remember the peace that each and every one of her words brought me. She was not overly attractive physically, yet something in her was overwhelmingly alluring. Even her name was an instrument she used unwittingly to draw me nearer to her. Alethea.

 

One day, at the age of 20, I decided to bring her flowers and reveal my attraction to her. She was 19 at the time. When I arrived at her house, I found her sitting on her front porch, staring off into the distance with tears in her eyes. 'My father is dead.' The emptiness in her voice struck me and laid waste to my plans. I dropped the flowers and embraced her, with no words coming out of my mouth. There was nothing romantic about the contact; it was pure grief and sorrow that brought us together - my father had died when I was only 13.

 

Over the rest of the year, we grew closer together and I began to think of asking her on a date again. When I finally gathered the courage to do so, she responded with a smile on her face: yes. We dated for the next two years and began planning for a future together. Then, life took over and left wreckage behind. I had just gotten home from a friend's house, having received a ride from an accomplice I had reunited with at the party - I was slightly drunk. Alethea called momentarily after I entered my house. I agreed to meet her at the local ice cream shop to talk and hang out. I picked her up from her house and went directly to the small shopping center. We spoke until 2 A.M., at which point she called her sibling to take her home. I, being the gentleman, offered to give her a ride to her house, to which she enthusiastically agreed.

 

Everything I remember after that comes as a garbled scene of events: a blurry red light, a loud crash, the whine of a siren, and a voice saying, 'She's gone.' For days, I refused to come to terms with the events of the past week. But as I lay in bed the following Tuesday, the crushing realisation hit me just as hard as the crash; she was truly gone.

 

And the worst part? There was no one to blame but me.

Edited April 25, 2018 by C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R

[KillerGnat 3,135]

Only one edit. Changed "in the distance" to "into the distance".

 

Approved

 

 

whew that was chilling. lol Loved the abruptness of it; much more effective than if you had drawn it out.

[Total_SkiIl 1,983]

Don't know what to say, nooba.

Tbh, not good

[Magenta 5,165]

Not bad, you have potential, boy. You should get better with practice.

 

One word, though - I felt it was pretty rushed. We got no word limit here, feel free to add more details. Don't try to include too many things, stick to few things, add tons of detail. I understand that you tried to go twee-style... if you read his work more carefully, you'll see what I mean - a lot more detail.

Edited April 26, 2018 by Magenta

[maryam98 1,171]

Like, what is it with AWS and sad stories? It's crazy, really.

[Total_SkiIl 1,983]

Like, what is it with AWS and sad stories? It's crazy, really.

I know, it's sad.

 

Everyone thinks stories are cool, that is why so.

[maryam98 1,171]

I know, it's sad.

 

Everyone thinks stories are cool, that is why so.

If it was anyone but you, I wouldn't have looked. Being you, I did look, and it's stupid.

[GrandExecutioner 1,403]

Really short but really good.

 

The number of tragic stories has exploded recently. Need to make a mental note to not read an AWS story just when I start my day.

Edited April 25, 2018 by GrandExecutioner

[Winters 214]

Wow, that's a good life lesson right there...

[kaisdf 3,320]

practise.

Practice*

 

As I said on Discord, the second paragraph should be either removed or improved in my opinion. You could describe the 'falling in love' to be gradual, thus increasing the contrast with the final sentence, or rapid, as a headrush, etc.

 

Also, why an ice cream shop  :blink:

Edited April 25, 2018 by KillerGnat
ice cream shops are extremely romantic pls

[Pyre 3,485]

Ouch.

[C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R 3,845]

Also, why an ice cream shop  :blink:

I didn't want it to seem to convenient, I guess. 

 

 

Should I write a sequel, or just write a completely new story?

Edited April 25, 2018 by C.O.N.Q.U.E.R.O.R

[Jaaames 1,622]

Nice little story there, enjoyed the plot twist at the end.

[joelpro12 735]

PLOT TWIST -  I AM YOU

[Magenta 5,165]

Practice*

 

As I said on Discord, the second paragraph should be either removed or improved in my opinion. You could describe the 'falling in love' to be gradual, thus increasing the contrast with the final sentence, or rapid, as a headrush, etc.

 

Also, why an ice cream shop  :blink:

I got confused between the verb and the noun, clearly :D.

 

Until recently I was messed up with my spellcheck which was 'murican, and now that I've got that fixed, it last left me slightly confused between Zs and Ss and Cs.

Edited April 26, 2018 by Magenta

[JAGMAN2468 104]

Wow... This made me feel sad  :(  (Good piece)

[Person_Random 4,991]

Nice flash fiction!

[gokuMI6 1,290]

Why do you want to make everyone cry ?  :(