Saint Moritz, Switzerland, 1929

[arlo7 130]

 

 

 

It was a sunny Saturday in the middle of the Swiss winter. As every year, meters of snow was accumulated on the mountains of the Alps. These snow plains were the delight of all the village skiers and the nightmares of each woman for fear of never seeing their husbands, buried by an avalanche, commonplace as they are in this region of the country. This was the case for every woman, except for Monica. Ralph, her husband, a man who treated her like a maid. Mother of 3 children, she was not happy at all with her choice of husband. It was for this reason that Monica encouraged her husband so often to go skiing, hoping that one day she could change her destiny ...

 

It had been two hours since Ralph had gone skiing that day and Monica was going to finish once and for all with him. In previous weeks, she had neglected the education of her children and the quality of meals at home to devote herself to developing her Machiavellian plan. She had to go about it in an enigmatic manner, so as not to leave any trace of her man's disappearance.

 

As usual, Monica was going to pick up her husband down the mountain, when he had finished his day of skiing at around four o'clock in the afternoon. This day, she planned to break this bad habit and live in freedom with her kids.

 

Monica arrived alone by car at the ski resort, a few minutes early, to prepare herself mentally for the onslaught to come.

 

Suddenly she saw Ralph, down the parking lot. She leaned fiercely on the accelerator and then hit it as hard as she could. The result was Ralph flying across the parking lot, hitting his head on a wall. Quickly she got out of the car, then she shoved him hurriedly into the trunk and sped away on the small mountain roads as though the devil himself were chasing here. 

 

When she got home, she got out of the car and took a moment to contemplate the incident mountains, something she had never done before, but was oddly at peace with. Then she took a wooden shovel and began digging a hole in the snowy ground.

 

When she had finished the hole, she was parched and ran to drink some water. She entered the house quietly and the scent of cheese fondue greeted her nose ... At the table, her three children were waiting for her and Ralph, who invited her to sit down to enjoy dinner.

 

 

--

 

 

My inspiration to write this literary novel came from a work of art I saw in a magazine. Being an art lover, I immediately felt like I had the urge to write a short story about it, with a little punch at the end that no one can see coming. :) This is the work of art that gave birth to history.

Tamara de Lempicka, Saint Moritz

 

 

--

 

**Disclamer**

Take in mind that this story is happening in 1929, so the place of the woman within the couple is not equal to that of her husband. I am in no way in favor of gender inequality.

 

--

 

Hope you've enjoyed this quick & punched story as much as I've enjoyed writing it! :wub:

 

 

 

-Arlo

Edited June 2, 2019 by arlo7

[Guest]

Approved!

 

An interesting and short piece to read! I particularly enjoyed how you succinctly went about the story while embedding lots of good imagery. Nevertheless, I did find a few small issues

 

Details: I found that the part where the woman goes ahead and kills "her" husband was summarized much to briefly, given that it was perhaps the most important plot device. As such, it would be nice if you could place a bit more emphasis upon the bigger plot devices (although the extra details don't need to be removed)

 

Awkward phrases: I'm not sure if you did this on purpose, but there were a few strange phrases, such as ""putting it [a man] in the trunk," "she had a stong desire to drink water," and lastly "the smell of cheese fondue greeted her nose.

[r_Given6 859]

Nice story! Although the twist was something I'd expected (blame Bollywood movies, they got every twist covered), I thoroughly enjoyed it.

And no, I don't think the murder part requires much elaboration. Would make it inappropriate for the younger audience.

[Viking4s 10,791]

A few problem with the plot.
- 1930 - cars were not that common and not appropriate for road with snow. Plus they were super difficult to start especially for a woman.

- "leaned fiercely on the accelerator", doing this on a snowing road get the tyre skid on spot - you will get no speed.

- "digging a hole in the snowy ground" so basically she intends to hide the corps under the snow as the earth would be too hard to dig, especially with a wooden shovel. But what happen during summer time when the snow melt? Did she thought this murder through?

 

This sentence is not clear you need to rework it: "At the table, her three children were waiting for him and Ralph, who invited her to sit down to enjoy dinner."

[r_Given6 859]

At the table, her three children were waiting for her with Ralph, who invited her to sit down to enjoy dinner.

[Person_Random 4,991]

Approved!

 

An interesting and short piece to read! I particularly enjoyed how you succinctly went about the story while embedding lots of good imagery. Nevertheless, I did find a few small issues

 

Details: I found that the part where the woman goes ahead and kills "her" husband was summarized much to briefly, given that it was perhaps the most important plot device. As such, it would be nice if you could place a bit more emphasis upon the bigger plot devices (although the extra details don't need to be removed)

 

Awkward phrases: I'm not sure if you did this on purpose, but there were a few strange phrases, such as ""putting it [a man] in the trunk," "she had a stong desire to drink water," and lastly "the smell of cheese fondue greeted her nose.

Long time no see mod.

 

Nice story! Although the twist was something I'd expected (blame Bollywood movies, they got every twist covered), I thoroughly enjoyed it.

And no, I don't think the murder part requires much elaboration. Would make it inappropriate for the younger audience.

Heheeee ikr all movie plots so predictable...  I just watched a movie in English and predicted the ending.

 

Anyways nice job, hopefully you'll be writing more!

[Guest]

Long time no see mod.

 

Heheeee ikr all movie plots so predictable...  I just watched a movie in English and predicted the ending.

 

Anyways nice job, hopefully you'll be writing more!

Yes! I've been rather busy and hope to return to the AWS ASAP.

[arlo7 130]

Approved!

 

An interesting and short piece to read! I particularly enjoyed how you succinctly went about the story while embedding lots of good imagery. Nevertheless, I did find a few small issues

 

Details: I found that the part where the woman goes ahead and kills "her" husband was summarized much to briefly, given that it was perhaps the most important plot device. As such, it would be nice if you could place a bit more emphasis upon the bigger plot devices (although the extra details don't need to be removed)

 

Awkward phrases: I'm not sure if you did this on purpose, but there were a few strange phrases, such as ""putting it [a man] in the trunk," "she had a stong desire to drink water," and lastly "the smell of cheese fondue greeted her nose.

Thank you for the kind words and for the critics of my short story. I fully understand what you mean by the fact that I have summarized her the kill of her husband too much, but I thought I should do it so as to respect the rules of the Tanki Online community... I take note of your critics, and I'm working on a new story right now including the pieces of advices you kindly gave me!

 

Nice story! Although the twist was something I'd expected (blame Bollywood movies, they got every twist covered), I thoroughly enjoyed it.

And no, I don't think the murder part requires much elaboration. Would make it inappropriate for the younger audience.

Thank you very much, and yes, unfortunately for some people (like you) who have watched some films of this type, the end may seem obvious, but I think that all in all, for the majority of people in this community the end was unpredictable and that is what was the original goal!

 

A few problem with the plot.

- 1930 - cars were not that common and not appropriate for road with snow. Plus they were super difficult to start especially for a woman.

- "leaned fiercely on the accelerator", doing this on a snowing road get the tyre skid on spot - you will get no speed.

- "digging a hole in the snowy ground" so basically she intends to hide the corps under the snow as the earth would be too hard to dig, especially with a wooden shovel. But what happen during summer time when the snow melt? Did she thought this murder through?

 

This sentence is not clear you need to rework it: "At the table, her three children were waiting for him and Ralph, who invited her to sit down to enjoy dinner."

Sorry for the typing error, I wanted to write "her", while I wrote "him". That being said, when it comes to cars in the 1930s, I know and I am aware of all the aspects you have stated but I gotta say that the primary purpose of my short story was to create an almost unpredictable end. All this happens in a context of fiction, so the little details like those that you mentioned to me, I did not work them at all to make the text light and not too complicated for less experienced readers. Above all, I take note of your critics and I will strive to make the details more likely in my next story!

 

Anyways nice job, hopefully you'll be writing more!

Thank you very much and I am in the process of writing another short story :ph34r:  Cheers!

[Viking4s 10,791]

 

You can correct your text, select edit under your post.

[arlo7 130]

You can correct your text, select edit under your post.

Lol. Job done boss, hope you're happy with that :D Cheers!

[Guest]

Thank you for the kind words and for the critics of my short story. I fully understand what you mean by the fact that I have summarized her the kill of her husband too much, but I thought I should do it so as to respect the rules of the Tanki Online community... I take note of your critics, and I'm working on a new story right now including the pieces of advices you kindly gave me!

I see, well that makes sense then if you were just trying to follow the rules. Just for the future, it is alright to summarize violent events, however it might be much more preferable to imply them instead, without giving too much graphic detail while having some imagery I think, perhaps as below:

 

Summarized: After a few punches and a gunshot, Ted's enemy lay on the floor

 

Vivid not Graphic: Ted swung at his enemy's chest, knocking him back before Ted felt something hit his nose like a truck. As he crumpled to the floor, he saw the perfect opportunity in an uppercut and left his enemy dazed. Then, ted leveled his gun at his former foe and pulled the trigger

 

While the former gives a brief but accurate summary, the latter fleshes it out a little bit with some action (without the mention of blood or the aftermath of the gunshot) to keep it interesting yet permissible. I hope you don't mind!