humour Noobs Podcast : Episode 01

[Sacrifice 2,278]

Episode No. 01

Introduction:

Hello tankers! Welcome to the very first episode of "Noobs Podcast". I always wanted to start my very own podcast on YouTube talking about all the things that happen around me and become so famous that I reach a million subs and then I could get me a car. But my insecurities to how I sound and how I look have always hampered me from becoming one of the best known YouTube's out there. No worries though! I thought why not type the script out and make it TO related and instead of YouTube, I enrich the Tanki Online Newspaper with my amazing podcast. So here we are!

 

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Foundation:

Now you might be wondering, Sacrifice, Whats a podcast? who is the noob? Is this going to be a monthly thing? What can we expect from it? And what did you do to Flexoo? Good questions. Lets start answering them one by one.

Podcast:

Being someone who is a top tier procrastinator, I will just add a screenshot from Google that tells you what a podcast is:

(Self explanatory *Coughs*)

 

Noob:

As far as whose that noob is concerned, you will find his picture in the spoiler below. Beware though! Following content could leave you laughing, dead. Hence open the below spoiler at your own risk.

Spoiler

(Deadly... AYYY!!)

Monthly publication news:

It depends upon how this goes. Additionally, I want to try out other types of articles too before sticking to one idea. This may or may not be a continuous monthly sequel but it will definitely be continued from time to time.

Expectations:

You can expect short interviews, unknown facts, tips, calamity awareness, obvious answers to lame questions and just anything else that I feel ranting about.

Flexoo:

Flexoo was taken by JCM to a secret place where he will be having the best time of his life, a month ago (That's what we were told, fingers crossed). Definitely nothing to be suspicious about, right?

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Flash cards:

Here are flash card for your easy convenience. Just click on it and *boom* you shall be magically transferred to that section of this podcast through TOs magical portals. But beware! If the transportation fails, you shall be lost somewhere in the depths of code lines and only be rescued when Maf gets free time (In simpler words, you shall roam there lost for an eternity or two (Insert evil laugh).

 

 

 

  

 

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[Sacrifice 2,278]

Segment 01 : Helpers Experiences:

In this segment, we shall listen to different helpers talk about their most amazing experiences on forum. For this episode, our guests are Newspaper Reporters (Duh! I would obviously ask the coolest people on the forum before others for this segment).

Now reporters are pretty cool people (except PR, he just takes too long to approve articles [Insert laughing emoji] ). Their main job is to write articles for the Newspaper and no they do not "report" people, although that would have been really cool (Take notes Kais). So here I will hand over this imaginary mic to our beloved reporters. 

Can you please introduce yourself in one line (Text wall writers, please know that there is extra emphasis on "one line") and tell us any cool story that is TO related and you think deserves to go on the podcast.) 

@kaisdf :

(CEO of using Comic Sans)

kaisdf here, tho my friends call me any variant of kais-doOf, case-dfffffff, etc. I am Newspaper and Social Media mult admin, trudging through life to keep It going. My favourite song at the moment is April Showers by Proleter, and I've spent way too much time in Borderlands recently. Also, my favourite colour of the alphabet is 25.

@Person_Random :

(CEO of approving your articles late)

I am Person_Random, your every random reporter. I'm going on break, so catch me later,  Hopefully I don't go insane... Remember, I don't play Tanki, I'm just a writing robot.

@Tidebreaker :

(CEO of say one word about shaft and I will make sure you suffer a terrible fate)

 GoldRock v2.0, uploading text walls day and night. I had to sweat in order to fit this into 70 words. Even more inconsistent than my rate of creating articles is my use of Railgun or my presence in Parkour, but that's a story for another time.

@pythor20000 :

(CEO of not getting banned for flood despite of using x number of 0's in his nickname)

Whats up guys, EN Newspaper Reporter Thor here (I go by many names). This past month we’ve all been pretty much trapped in our own homes due to the thing that shall not be named. My hobbies during this quarantine have included staring at blank walls, therapeutic eating, and trying to complete the “Road to WO1 without dying challenge”. Let me just say the latter hasn’t gone well so far. I’ve already made 5 accounts and still have yet to make it out of Gefrieter...

@LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH :

(CEO of Procrastination, applying the most number of times to be a reporter, using WAYYYY to many gifs and text walls)

I'm LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH. Two years ago, for the past 4 or 5 years I had been trying desperately to become a reporter. When I finally did two years ago, I had the time of my life working with and for the newspaper, with the amazing people I got to meet. I sort of ghosted everyone in August due to a line of misguided thinking, but realized my error later in December of this past year. In fact, I was still planning to leave but Sacrifice convinced me to return and so here I am, hoping to return. Why would I do that? Well the thing about Tanki seems to be that due to how entertaining the game is you never truly leave. You just take breaks and come back to the game. A fun fact: I thought I didn't procrastinate and was very timely in work. Then I realized I procrastinated 2 years of my life and continue to not do that which candidates should be doing right now.   

@Hippin_in_Hawaii :

(CEO of staying inactive for the longest of time)

I’m a 50-something-year-old college professor. I teach video production, and in my spare time, I volunteer on indie films, most often as the sound recordist. I play at learning guitar, speak enough Spanish to survive in a Spanish-speaking country, have long hair, a beard, and a lot of ink. Not who you’d think to find on the Tanki forum? How did someone like me end up here?

I’ve always had a fascination, almost an obsession, with certain types of military hardware, mostly from WWII and before, with a few more contemporary exceptions. The Curtiss P-40 Warhawk is my favorite airplane; the Iowa class, my favorite battleships (although the Bizmark also holds a special appeal; her story is breathtaking); my favorite submarines, the Gato and Los Angeles classes (note that both of these had computer sims made for them); and my favorite tank, the Tiger. I love to play computer sims and games that focus on these. Sadly, there aren’t many games that feature tanks, and none of them rise to the level of “simulation.” 

During the summer of 2018, my life was in bad shape. I won’t share the details here, but things had been going bad for a while, and beginning that summer, took a precipitous turn for the worse. They stayed really, really bad through January of this year. I can say with confidence that it was the worst 18 months of my life so far, and I hope to never again experience anything so awful.

During this period of suck, I had more down time than I liked, and was desperate to find something, anything, to occupy my mind, to keep me from wallowing in misery. One of the things I came across was this silly little tank game called Tanki. Simple gameplay, awful physics, clearly a freemium game designed to entice players into paying. But, it was tanks! I knew my interest in the game wouldn’t last, but it was a momentary distraction, and that was precious.

I gravitated towards Isilda; the idea of being a healing power was especially appealing under the circumstances. After playing a bit, I started Googling to see if there was any info that would shortcut my learning curve about updates. That’s how I found the forum. And that’s how, quite by accident, I found the Amateur Writers Section.

Hey! Now THAT looked fun! I love to write, but don’t often take the time to do so. This forum gave me a cause. I quickly created an account (mistyping my name… I meant to be Hippie_In_Hawaii) then banged out my first story, A Helluva Thing. It got such good feedback, and the experience of writing was so refreshing, that I pounded out Graduation Speech. Again, the feedback was positive, and the experience of writing was cathartic. So, out came Stuck. And this was a turning point; tweezers, a former Helper, made the comment “I shall be severely disappointed if this doesn't turn out to be a series.”

A series? Why not? I made a deal with myself, on the spot, to write a story per week for a year. Those first three stories got incorporated into a series I called The Chronicles of Tanker Fred. It ran for 33 installments, then was followed by Molly’s, a 21-installment story specifically aimed at the young audience which comprises this forum. 

Along the way, I was selected as Amateur Writer of the Year, then later bumped up to Reporter status. I’ve contributed three seasonal pieces and participated in a few writing contests as well. I tried to start a shared-world anthology; that didn’t get any traction, but it was probably overly ambitious. And, with the shortest piece I ever submitted here, I inspired myself and launched a currently-in-progress novel, which is about ⅓ done at 37,000 words. 

I’m also five chapters into my latest series, The One-Eyed Man, but life and circumstances have conspired to restrict the time available to my pursuit of creative writing. Well, up until covid-19 came along. Now, using this very piece as a springboard, I’m jumping back into the writing pool!

I’ve consolidated all (I think) of my forum pieces here (http://en.tankiforum.com/index.php?showtopic=371581&p=6501724).

I don’t know how long it’s been since I actually played the game. It was something I was never all that into, and since my introduction, the developers keep rolling out change after change that make it less and less desirable. But, silly little game though it is, Tanki will always hold a special place in my heart for leading me to the AWS, which became one of the few points of light during a very, very dark time of my life. 

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[Sacrifice 2,278]

Segment 02 : Strange But Theoretical:

There are many weird things in Tanki Online that neither an admin nor a developer bothers to explain. However, be it something in the depth of oceans or in the darkness of space, Guest writers and reporters never stop looking for answers. Behold as I, Sacrifice, the person who still thinks that admins get incinerated after retirement (long story!), presents you with theoretical answers to some of the questions that you guys never asked and probably don't even care about! Episode one of podcast presents you with:

Decoy tanks:

It is not strange that the brown rusty dead tanks found in some maps have made it to this list. Most people don't even know its name. That majority included me too. We see these rusty objects everyday but don't even know what they are called, nevertheless know about its history. 

(Just to clarify, The right one in blue is me)

So, I knew I had to disclose the secret and find out its true name. I searched everywhere, looked on the wiki, scrolled through the forum, poked Kaisdf, explored google, poked Kaisdf again, hunt through the help site, poked Kaisdf again for the third time and even looked under my bed to find out the answer to this question. Unfortunately, no luck!

But then, my brain cells came up with an idea. I thought of asking my friends. The first one was Mr.Nibbles. Mr.Nibbles enlightened me with the right answer. He told me that the brown rusty dead Titan and Firebird we see every day during our battles are called DECOY Tanks. (Cheers for Mr.Nibbles!).

Spoiler

(A  screenshot of chat with Mr.Nibbles on highly secretive matters.)

But what is its history? This is where theoretical work kicks in. I used all of my resources and gathered up a couple of observations, some bits and pieces, that when joined together revealed the true history of these decoy tanks. 

Long, long ago, when TO verse came in to existence, Tanks were made out of cardboard. Strange but true. As the economy strengthened, the developers decided to use plastic instead. When the economy further strengthened, they decided to use iron. Iron was both, a cheap and a reliable option. It not only replaced plastic tanks effectively, but also made room for further additions to their performance. However, a problem rose. Iron when in contact with water molecules (I.e. moisture from the atmosphere that slides upon tanks) undergoes corrosion and as a result rust is formed. 

Fe  ------------_> Fe⁺²  + 2e^-

(I put a chemical equation just to look cool. Don't mind it though)

At first, the problem seemed minor, but later on when many tanks were found abandoned on the maps, developers new that they had to do something. They talked with the best chemists of the century and offered a high amount of one million crystals to anyone who could come up with an economical solution. The whole TO verse was at stake. Failure in finding a solution would result in the TO verse taking a step back towards plastic tanks, which seemed an unreasonable step as it would greatly and negatively influence the national progress of the game. 

It was a very worrisome situation until a tanker by the name of "He who should not be named" came up with a solution. This young tanker, proposed a solution that not only would solve the problem of tanks corroding, but also speed up the economic development by 20 percent. He came up with the concept of "paints". Paints covered the iron tank and prevented its exposure to moisture. Paints not only then gave a visual appeal to the tanks but solved the problem of corrosion. Hence the very first standard paints; Green, Orange and red etc were made.

The problem was solved but as a symbol of remembrance, many rusty tanks known as decoy tanks were specially made and placed on maps that symbolize not only that our ancestors probably had brains and we don't, but also gave us a message that when intelligence is brought to thorough and concise thinking, man finds a solution to his dire needs.

 

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[Sacrifice 2,278]

Segment 03 : Trash Can Article

You might be wondering as to what is a trash can article? What is an article? What is a trash can? Why is it a trash can article and not a can trash article? Good questions. However, I don't have an answer to them so let's just move on to the article.

We all use social media a lot. I don't know about you, but I use Instagram A LOT. So much so, that my timeline always has 'You are all caught up, you have seen all posts from the previous 24 hours' tag. That's just Instagram begging me to log out and get a life to do something productive.

Just like Instagram, there is Facebook. When I get tired of Instagram I move on to Facebook. On Facebook, there is usually a trick that I fall into every time.

People would post a picture of a video with a caption 'How to keep someone busy for 10 seconds'. When you click the play button of the video, you find out that it's just a picture of a video and not the video itself. That thing is annoying. But you still like the post and comment something like 'Hahaha, nice one' because you find such posts annoyingly interesting.

So I thought why not implement such an idea on the forum. I mean, I love writing. But sometimes I can not decide with regards to what to write. My genre of writing is un-categorized in the list of genres. I just love writing about my feelings.

My feelings towards a person, the good they did to me and stuff. It just comes down naturally to me. So I decided to write a trash can article. Which is a wall of text with certain edits and a picture to make it look interesting.

Its a type of article which is completely useless. However, it shows how much of an experienced (not good, but experienced) writer I am. I can slay any topic. Even a topic that makes no sense to me too. Such articles do not have logic.

Why call it a trash can article though? Simple answer. This article, being useless, would have gone straight from my word document to my recycle bin. Hence the name 'Trash can article'.

I basically kept all of you guys busy reading this article. You guys knew long before the article even started that reading this would be a complete waste of precious 10 minutes, but you still read through. Why? Because such articles ARE interesting. You kept wondering throughout what is he even writing? What did he write in the next paragraph?

I don't know about you guys, but I find such content interesting. Where somebody just starts talking about stuff that makes no sense, but he is humorous and creative in his speech. I mean I love such people. They are eligible to be my homies or fams.

Just like a legend once said:

Do what you want to do, not what you are expected to do. In the end, its just you. Nobody gives a damn of what you do, except you. So do what makes you happy.

That is why I wrote this article. It makes me happy to just write about nothing in particular. Jumping from one topic to another.

In case you are wondering who said the quote that I wrote above.. I wrote it. Because why not. I believe in 'Originality'. Even quotes are mine. However, the quote was inspired from somewhere that I don't remember. Anyhow, massive respect to the unknown individual who came up with the idea of that quote. You deserve a special place in heaven.

For the 'n' number (I am just too lazy to count) of time during this article, you might be wondering if I am ever gonna stop. Yes, I am going to be ending this article here with a note.

This article should be taken on a lighter note. It was meant to be a humor essay. It might not have made you laugh your heads off but I am sure it made you smile or even lightened your mood up. That's what I basically wanted to do. Make the readers smile.

Everybody is going through stuff in life. Depression, tension and stuff. Did you that smiling forces all the 16 chemicals in brain which are responsible for a persons emotions to balance out, making the person happier? This is where the phrase 'Fake it, till you make it' comes from (I guess).

Always keep smiling. I hope you found this un-categorized trash can article interesting and enjoyable to read. This is Sacrifice, signing out. (Yeah about this last bit, I copied it from Archangel).

 

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[Sacrifice 2,278]

Segment 04 : Earthquake in Tanki Online

On first of March when the whole TO verse was either sleeping or battling profusely, an earthquake broke out in Sandbox. It measured 7 on the Richter scale. It was unlike anything TO had ever witnessed. Major outburst was noticed. Tankers flipped and many many fell into oblivion from the outskirts of the maps. Lets here some development news regarding that!

Sacrifice: Hazel? Hazel Rah? Opex! Yo?? You with us?

Hazel: Hello-oo Sacrifice! H-oww are you? I am sorry I am having troubles communicating. I am att the-e site of Earthquake-e and there is loud noise of helicopters streaming the place-ee.

Sacrifice: Okay Hazel! Won't bother you much, but can you tell us a bit about the Earthquake and how it broke out?

Hazel: Sure Sacrifice! The Earthquake, 7 on Richter scale, broke all of a sudden and has caused major calamities and do you kno-

Sacrifice: Hazel, we know that. Can you update us with some developer news?

Hazel: Oh yes, yes. Developers after thorough and consice analysis have reached to the conclusion that this earthquake was caused by severe server lag that triggered the tectonic plate "Alternatiah" under the map to move up and down like a pendulim that is executing SHM. 

Sacrifice: Oh so would it be wrong to call lag the major cause of the earthquake?

Hazel: No it wont be wro- WAIT! Is this going on the Newspaper? I take my words back, I take my words-- 

Sacrifice: (Ending the call) It was a pleasure having you on the call Hazel! Now guys, lets ask our fellowmen to update us on the current situation.

Puntastic: Under the light of current affairs, I would recommend all tankers to stay in their garages until the situation is clear. If they hear of another Earthquake, I would strictly advise pressing "ALT + F4" and not coming back on until forum says "All clear". Life is precious!

Sacrifice: Oh I am sure it is! Thank you for the comments Pun! Our next spokesmen will be  

AC: Yeah Sacrifice?

Sacrifice: Can you tell us something regarding the earthquake?

AC: Yes. Being the in-charge of handing out first aid, crystals and help site insurance forms, I have to with grief say that we are running short of resources. Such a situation has taken place for the first time and we had been unprepared. But I am sure we all will stand united and emerge as survivors! Meanwhile I would advise everyone to stay safe in their garages. This is AC, signing out!

Sacrifice: Thank you so much Angie, it was a pleasure having you too. Well guys this was it for today's report. I will keep you guys updated but till then you can see these aerial views of the site. Until next time, stay safe and this is Sacrifice signing out from the News Team! 

 

TO Coverage (Brought to you by @Mr.Nibbles & @Stratosphere)

 

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[Sacrifice 2,278]

Conclusion:

If you have made it this far through the article then give yourself a pat on the back. This was the first episode and hopefully the next episode will be much better and much bulkier than this one. If you guys enjoyed it, don't forget to leave a like and if you have any thoughts you would like to share regarding this podcast, you can do so down below. The comment section is at your disposal. Special thanks to @Mr.Nibbles, @Stratosphere for aiding me with the video edits and screenshots respectively. Special thanks to @eragon33 for designing this epic banner. Until next eternity, this is Sacrifice signing out! 

 

 

[cosmic666 1,055]

On 3/14/2020 at 6:56 PM, Sacrifice said:

Segment 02 : Strange But Theoretical:

There are many weird things in Tanki Online that neither an admin nor a developer bothers to explain. However, be it something in the depth of oceans or in the darkness of space, Guest writers and reporters never stop looking for answers. Behold as I, Sacrifice, the person who still thinks that admins get incinerated after retirement (long story!), presents you with theoretical answers to some of the questions that you guys never asked and probably don't even care about! Episode one of podcast presents you with:

Decoy tanks:

It is not strange that the brown rusty dead tanks found in some maps have made it to this list. Most people don't even know its name. That majority included me too. We see these rusty objects everyday but don't even know what they are called, nevertheless know about its history. 

(Just to clarify, The right one in blue is me)

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[cosmic666 1,055]

2 hours ago, cosmic666 said:

 

 

2 hours ago, cosmic666 said:

(Just to clarify, The right one in blue is me)

 

 

[Railguns 36]

When I saw this topic's title, I was like "I'm gonna sue them for copyright infringement..." But then I saw how genuine and humorous the writing was, how wonderful the experiences shared by reporters were, and how trash the trash article was (just kidding). Absolutely amazing!

_{ɪꜰ ʏᴏᴜ ʟɪᴋᴇᴅ ᴛʜɪs ᴄᴏᴍᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴘʟs ᴅᴏɴᴀᴛᴇ.                                                                                    sʀʏ ɪ ᴍᴇᴀɴᴛ ʜᴇʀᴇ.}

[Venem 615]

Wow!

I liked how the various CEOs gradually increased their word count (except PR, idk why).... um, not so gradually, actually... Hippin did beautifully there, and I can guarantee that he's actually a graduate in Architecture (specifically Text-Wall construction)...

Regarding "Strange but Theoretical", I enjoyed the piece, but eeewwww... Light mode, Sacrifice?? (Insert Vomiting emoji)

Trash Can Article, well, it was trash.

On 3/15/2020 at 12:29 AM, Sacrifice said:

earthquake was caused by severe server lag

^  This is all that mattered, imo.

On 3/15/2020 at 12:31 AM, Sacrifice said:

If you have made it this far through the article then give yourself a pat on the back.

Umm, I was patting my back all the while... It was hurting coz of all the stiff reading... Text Walls do tire my poor back....

 

 

Amazing "podcast", Sacrifice! (I really had confused you with the decoy tank, don't worry. That caption wasn't in vain)

On a serious note, this is an amazing idea, and I genuinely enjoyed it. I really look forward to the future episodes.  

Edited August 2, 2020 by SHREYA88
Text-walls come with errors...

[MrPheonix 17]

Ahahaha Segment 04 was so funny

[Venerable 2,967]

Yo @Sacrifice, Episode 02 hitting the AWS (or the Newspaper :ph34r:) any time soon? This was one of the really engaging and enjoyable articles...

[Sacrifice 2,278]

1 hour ago, Venerable said:

Yo @Sacrifice, Episode 02 hitting the AWS (or the Newspaper :ph34r:) any time soon? This was one of the really engaging and enjoyable articles...

:c

Will try to make a part 2 as a guest writer, no promises though... :')

[Sacrifice 2,278]

On 3/4/2020 at 11:39 AM, Sacrifice said:

This may or may not be a continuous monthly sequel but it will definitely be continued from time to time.

Seems like a lifetime ago and lol.

Courtesy of:

@Venerable 

For reminding me that this exists.

Edited December 5, 2021 by Sacrifice