humour The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - May 2020

[Person_Random 4,991]

Your Dictator Issue will begin after this short advertisement.

 

Yisroel forced to resign; It all started from cookies!

By @Sacrifice

The former dictator admin, @Yisroel.Rabin, was forced to resign on gun point by the ultimate reporter admin, @kaisdf. Rumor has it that Yisroel stole Kais's fresh baked cookies and kaisdf just couldn't stand that. His original plans were to push Yisroel off a cliff but due to the Coronavirus outbreak, TO is under a lock down and any roads that lead to a cliff are blocked and strictly moderated by commander of battle mods, Yele herself.

Also fuel prices are very high these days and driving to a cliff wouldn't have been cost efficient. Kais's assistant, Regency, has been reported to have said that Kais was too lazy to drive to a cliff just to push Yisroel off of it anyways.

 

A Note On The Dictator's Journalistic Independence

by @Magenta

We at The Dictator are very, very proud of our journalistic independence, and we boast of it on multiple occasions. Now what does it mean, you might ask, this journalistic independence? We decided to dedicate one segment of explaining just that.

The Dictator is independent of forum politics, and free from the influential clutches of powerful entities like ex-CM Cedric Debono and his personal goon-cum-professional-hitman @Marcus, our very own own EN Newspaper Admin @kaisdf, and, in fact, all other admins. The Dictator has own purpose, one aim, one goal: to be Tanki's finest news source. Even if that news details on Cedric's evil plans of WORKS DOMINATION, kaisdf's role behind the disappearance of @Yisroel.Rabin, or any other investigative report the authorities don't want you to see.

To be "Tanki's Finest News Source," whatever the cost, has always been The Dictator's guiding mantra. The founders of The Dictator realised, however, that our dedication to truth and fine news could be undermined by those with influence and vested interests, and hence fought - successfully - to enable journalistic independence for The Dictator. This means that our team of writers are completely free of any external influence, even from the EN Newspaper Admin. Our investigative journalists are completely anonymous, and our team receives it's paychecks directly from Perm without passing through any intermediaries. So, for example, Cedric cannot threaten to withhold our pay for publishing a piece not to his liking, or award a bonus to a reporter who is biased in favour of him. The Dictator is managed and edited entirely by a journalistically independent team, ensuring you get to read Tanki's finest news.

However, times have been changing, and The Dictator's journalistic independence has come under threat. Multiple powerful entities in the EN forum have been scheming and plotting together at length, and are now preparing to pass unprecedented legislation that will end The Dictator's journalistic independence. If this happens, The Dictator's ability to report the unadulterated truth, however damaging to those with vested interests, might be critically undermined, robbing you of Tanki's finest news source. Of course, our excellent journalists have discovered this plot in advance, enabling The Dictator to take steps in order to safeguard our valuable journalistic independence.

As part of the efforts to preserve this independence, we are trying to file a petition that will set The Dictator's journalistic independence into stone - literally, in fact, believe it or not (but of course you should believe us - who else will you believe, Cedric?) - so that in the future, nobody will be able to alter our rights of independence. However, we need your help in. We need as many people as we can get to sign this petition, hopefully racking up enough signatures to firmly demonstrate how much our readership values quality journalism. Guys, this is important. Please head over to https://www.thedictatorshouldbepresident.com, and sign your nickname. Don't bother reading the long and boring terms and conditions, our lawyer @Person_Random has already done the reading for you and certified them as irrelevant.

Thank you.

P.S: Your credit card number and social security number are valid signatures.

 

Fears over Coronavirus spark fears, causes panic buying

By @LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH

Due to the recent outbreak of Coronavirus, many tankers have grown greatly worried over limited supplies of supplies and have resorted to mass panic and hysteria. One tanker who goes by a name which I can’t reveal told us that “Da panik is real. We must st0ck up on dem speed boosts”. Another tanker we held at gunpoint said “I am flabbergasted by the covetousness of my fellow tanker. They gallop at sun up towards the server and start altercating over who gets to buy the speed boosts and who gets to take them from the map drops, sometimes pushing and shoving.” Over here in the reporter’s nonexistent office, we’ve run out of donuts and coffee, which is the fuel and life-blood needed to survive the tyrannical rule of admins. Our own admin, Darth Kaisdf, said “let them eat yellow butter cake”, when approached for a comment by the lowly candidate that is yours truly.

 

Panic Buying In TO, Part II

by @Person_Random

Nobody:

Players before the update:

Credits to @Regency for making this fine meme!

Following the announcement of Patch Updates #600, tankers rushed to the store in panic buys for alter- *ahem* A U G M E N T S in fear that they would no longer be available, which, unfortunately, turned out to be true.

Immediately after news of the update leaked, the nightmare scenes once viewed in grocery stores all around the world began to materialize in Tanki's garages. Tankers were seen racing towards the garage armed as Fire-Wasps, rushing through the garage and flaming those in their way to collect these alter- erm, augments before they would disappear from the garage forever.

This has only resulted in destruction and chaos from the very first moment. As tankers raced for augments, the fights became increasingly violent, leading up to a fateful Shaft duel, which resulted in the accidental detonation of a High Pressure Pump, which severely damaged Godmode_ON's gummy bear controller, leading to a malfunction which sparked a flood of container gold drops. Well, at the very least, we'll be able to get our augments from there.

 

"What Coronavirus?" says Newspaper admin

By @LOLKILLERTOTHEDEATH

 

When we asked the administrator of the Newspaper slaves team, @kaisdf what he was planning to do during the Coronavirus. He said "You know it's a really special time of the year. For centuries, alcohol has been at the center of the life of humans, whether it be for medical purposes or just consumption. Coming together in a festival which celebrates this craze is certainly empowering. I, for one, am particularly excited. Corona has always been a favourite for me and I'm just really happy that it's getting recognized in this global celebration." When we tried to inform him about what the coronavirus pandemic is, we were scorned at for attempting to spread fake news. We were even told that we would go from 2 donuts to 1 donut a day if we tried to spread the fake news that coronavirus is a disease, not a call for people to party. We sincerely hope that you stay safe. During these times, our adminstrator is out at some beach in some place on some planet-oh, sorry. I meant on Earth. PFFFFT, Kaisdf is definitely from Earth.

 

 

Melee Turrets battle Godmode_ON over Social Distancing Restrictions

by @Person_Random

To prevent the spread of coronavirus, Tanki's installed all the latest features of social distancing - mask wearing, six feet distance between tanks, you name it, Tanki's got it.

But of course, this means that Firebirds and Freezes, once your most annoying enemies, have been reduced to nothing but useless meat shields by new Hull Augments and this social distancing guideline. Additionally, Isidas have all been taken to the front lines to provide for those currently suffering from the coronavirus. As usual, tankers exercising their right to free speech began protests. A team of Juggernauts has been sent to the scene, but were quickly pushed off of the ledges on Madness, prompting Godmode_ON himself to intervene.

We're hoping that this battle doesn't take too long, because Godmode's promised us all the donuts we can eat if he wins.

 

 

Mysterious Case-doof Embezzles Funds, The Dictator Needs Your Help

by @Magenta

We, The Dictator Writers, have now been waiting for our salaries for months now, ever since @Flexoo left the Newspaper. Whilst it is true that we haven't written anything for a long time, a basic salary is still due; however, we have received none. When The Dictator decided to carry out an investigation, shocking papers were unearthed. While the papers themselves cannot be published due to security concerns, we are at liberty to let you know that a mysterious figure named "Case-doof" has been embezzling our salary funds, intercepting them directly outside Perm; this outrage has been going on ever since the administration changed hands. When asked for comments, the current admin @kaisdf appeared profusely apologetic, blaming his own lack of administration experience for having let this rogue operate his or her devilry. While The Dictator is doing its utmost to apprehend this thief, we have something to ask from you, our loyal readers. Please consider donating. We have not been able to afford basic supplies like double armour for months, and our tanks are rusting in the garage because we can't afford fuel. At hard times like these, we have nobody to turn to except you. If you would like to donate to our poverty-ridden team so that we can continue churning out fine news, please call the toll free number 1800-HELP-THE-DICT. Alternatively, call freephone on TNK00-00000-03N68-LCEWL-PVQ4Z. 

[kaisdf 3,320]

After a brief hiatus due to what can only be described as blatant malpractice, The Dictator is back again with a plethora of "highly reputable and definitely newsworthy" stories (at least that's what the mad scribbles on the back of my hand dictate I say....).

 

Enjoy!

[3dL 454]

Wonderful idea, wonderful writing 100%

[Cool_Is_Back 262]

Welcome back 'The Dictator'. Looking forward for more editions 

Edit: Thanks for the freephone number 

Edited May 15, 2020 by Cool_Is_Back

[Person_Random 4,991]

25 minutes ago, Cool_Is_Back said:

Welcome back 'The Dictator'. Looking forward for more editions 

Edit: Thanks for the freephone number 

Indeed the Dictator returns. We the slaves dictator writers hope you enjoyed your reading experience. As for the Dictator continuing... well, look below

30 minutes ago, KinG-AboKhaled said:

Wonderful idea, wonderful writing 100%

Thanks! Hopefully we can keep this up during nonquarantine season too...

[Sacrifice 2,278]

Everybodys having a good read while I am here worried that nobody finds out who that reporter was who held kais at gunpoint with the announcement message scribed on his hand...

Hopefully nobody finds out it was me. Or charges can be lethal for my bank account..

Edited May 15, 2020 by Sacrifice
Ohh..

[stanzhang 3,291]

10 hours ago, Person_Random said:

Indeed the Dictator returns. We the slaves

Prisoners with Jobs*

Otherwise it's a great read of one of the most iconic newspaper article!

[Person_Random 4,991]

6 hours ago, stanzhang said:

Prisoners with Jobs*

Otherwise it's a great read of one of the most iconic newspaper article!

I see not of the crime that we committed. Unless it was accidentally eating from the pink box marked "kaisdf's donuts do not touch"...

[Magenta 5,165]

7 hours ago, TSY_the_crazy said:

I have to say though, Yisroel’s are just more intriguing and read worthy.

That is true. But what can be done? I miss yis :c diz ez el ur folt kaisnub wut pr0blame u hav en sherin ur cukys @kaisdf

[Person_Random 4,991]

7 hours ago, TSY_the_crazy said:

It’s great to see this back after a hiatus.

I have to say though, Yisroel’s are just more intriguing and read worthy. This seems to be admin focused sucking up.

sowwwyyy  

i can't be funny; it's not in my blood. our next mission to steal Yis funny bone

[ahmadtaha 4]

its very god 

[Deathline2 13]

So how many crystals do we get from the petition

 

or was that just a joke

 

 

 

 

because i need the crystals because of the jacked up augment prices

 

 

On 5/16/2020 at 10:17 AM, Person_Random said:

sowwwyyy  

i can't be funny; it's not in my blood. our next mission to steal Yis funny bone

also I thought it was funny

[ahmadtaha 4]

sa6l;q6jekla6dll

[Fl4ME 12]

Is that hunt code gonna be in here

 

[HolyLord 0]

I don't understand how promo code can expire so quickly. We same thing happens when esports news are announced and 2-3 promo codes, appear but they don't work. Is there specific time limit that promo codes works or I somehow miswrite the code?

[Sacrifice 2,278]

42 minutes ago, HolyLord said:

I don't understand how promo code can expire so quickly. We same thing happens when esports news are announced and 2-3 promo codes, appear but they don't work. Is there specific time limit that promo codes works or I somehow miswrite the code?

Sometimes there are players sitting with the promo code claim section open on the shop. So just as the promo code comes up, they just need to paste it. 

I have been on such hunts myself, it is frustrating, but it is true that somehere around the world there is someone with a faster reflex. 

[Viking4s 10,791]

promo-code in articles are pointless

[Person_Random 4,991]

1 hour ago, Viking4s said:

promo-code in articles are pointless

Not quite. If hidden well, they can be a fun puzzle to solve.

[9l_K4vCkK2V9 42]

4 hours ago, Sacrifice said:

Sometimes there are players sitting with the promo code claim section open on the shop. So just as the promo code comes up, they just need to paste it. 

I have been on such hunts myself, it is frustrating, but it is true that somehere around the world there is someone with a faster reflex. 

Lolz, great reply  So do i need to work on my clicking speed lol?

[Sacrifice 2,278]

10 minutes ago, 9l_K4vCkK2V9 said:

Lolz, great reply  So do i need to work on my clicking speed lol?

Not really good at hunting codes myself.. so idk

[9l_K4vCkK2V9 42]

51 minutes ago, Sacrifice said:

Not really good at hunting codes myself.. so idk

You probably dont need codes lol  Don't you have mk7-20 everything?

[Sacrifice 2,278]

2 minutes ago, 9l_K4vCkK2V9 said:

You probably dont need codes lol  Don't you have mk7-20 everything?

no but thank you for believing in me xD

[printing_now 59]

great work

[Towns 574]

Nice. See my feedback here

[Person_Random 4,991]

2 hours ago, Towns said:

Nice. See my feedback here

no, not gonna get rickrolled, thanks for the invitation