Predictions for 2014!

[skitee 555]

Hey. Welcome to "Predictions for 2014!" I've managed to do the first six months now, and I would really appreciate it if you could read it and enjoy it, stating your favourite aspects of it and your not-so-enjoyed bits. The next six months should be ready... sometime soon. Please be aware that no insults in this post are genuine and that everything is for the purpose of humour and humour alone. There is nothing more cynical than that in here. Enjoy!

 

If you have a serious problem with any of the content, please PM me and I might change it... however, I will not have internet access for approximately a week from now so it'll take a while for any alterations to be made. And remember, there are 6 more months to look forwards to, later!

 

Note: When being written, the New Physics had not yet been released.

 

----------------

 

In the two previous years. I've really enjoyed doing this, so here it is again. This is a foolproof and unmistaken prediction about the events which will be taking place in the year to come. It must be noted that these have been proven and tried and tested to be the guaranteed truth of what will take place in the future. Enjoy, but also be aware that this is a guaranteed truthful picture of the future so you may read things that alter your mental state and how you view life and the future. I make no apologies for revealing the truth to you all.

 

January

 

The first month of the year features Tanki's first attempt at a true New Year's party. Hyped up for the week-and-a-half leading up to the new year, with an event featuring worldwide-acclaimed celebrities such as local football team FC Perm's striker Nikita Burmistrov invited to the event in the Tanki offices, the anticipation was that this party would put Tanki Online and Alternative Platform firmly into the mainstream of worldwide society. They even featured a live stream of the party which culminated, at new year, in Hazel-Rah cutting a cake and a minute-long animation of fireworks being played across the stream to all the millions of watchers watching internationally. Surprisingly, the event is a great let down, with the Tanki staff clearly devastated after their inexplicable failure to get absolutely no media attention. In fact, Semyon Kirov goes as far as describing it as “a slight setback”, further enhancing just what a devastating turn of events this failure has been to the Tanki Online administration.

 

Also this month is the eventual release of the new physics model which was “in the pipeline” for a number of months. Being so highly anticipated, it initially is met with huge acclaim, with highly respected Tanki players such as robbie56 claiming that this update is the “best update ever!”. Unfortunately, after the original excitement is mellowed by the cold light of day, players start to realise that perhaps the update is not such an improvement to Tanki gameplay as they first thought. For instance, whilst it was expected that Wasp would be made lighter with the update, Valetta noted that “I never expected Wasp to be lighter than air!”. This fact was one of the less well-received elements of the update, although not all Tanki players were disappointed. For instance, BLASTOISE-T12, who always looks on the bright side of life, noted that “I can now take brilliant overhead pictures of maps!”.

 

The new physics also seemed to have a few less favourable side effects in regard to the appearance of some of the paints in Tanki online. Some less-than-positive comments were made about the new appearance of Hohloma. One of the more polite responses which was sent to the Tanki Online administration was that given by GoldRock, claiming that it “Looks almost exactly like poop”. A lot more less savoury reactions were also given which would not be appropriate to be shared in a medium such as this one. Fortunately, the glitch was fixed soon after the new update with the explanation being that “Anton Volkov has a strange fetish” and an official apology being sent around Russia to all of Tanki's important customers.

 

In other news this month, the first season of the new cybersport season is planned. However, three of the clans scheduled to take part in the top league suddenly close. Three teams from League 2 are chosen at random to replace them. However, the remaining clans in League 2 are outraged at being overlooked. To show their anger at this turn of events, clan “Top Gun” decide to go on hunger strike to protest the decision to refuse them from the top league. Panic breaks out among the Tanki Online administration at this, with Semyon saying “We have no desire in causing the death of someone as esteemed as legenddestoyer due to our controversial decision” and frantic talks are held between the leadership of Top Gun and the Tanki Online administration.

 

February

 

This month, frantic negotiation takes place in the Tanki Online headquarters as terms are trying to be found to appease the Top Gun clan leadership yet allow the Cybersport season to go ahead. The entire Tanki Online Public Relations department, all one-and-a-gerbil of them, are on the phone from night to day as they attempt to resolve the issue which the press name the imaginative and original title of “The Hunger Games”. Eventually, terms are almost agreed to, but unfortunately, just at a key point in the dialogue, Valletta dies of starvation. With this event, Tanki Online gets more media coverage than ever before, especially as the administration then cancels any discussion whatsoever and, one by one, all the members of Top Gun die off due to starvation. The only exception to this is swede1, who claims to be remaining on hunger strike throughout the remainder of the year. The worldwide media pick up upon this story, however, and the administration and the game are slated over front and back pages worldwide. Despite this, Tanki Online's popularity as a game increases dramatically. When accused by the highly respected and very-sophisticated newspaper, the British Sun, about this “thing about people not eating and food and stuff” of being nothing but “a kinda attempt at getting money because fame and all that thingy”, Valery Schumann responds angrily, stating that “we don't care about making money! All we care about is about our customers players living happy and healthy lives playing our game!”.

 

Despite all that fuss, the second season of cybersport does eventually go ahead. The format proves controversial, however, with the “best-of-thirty-five” format which is being used with the purpose, according to cybersport organiser brambo6, “to ensure that the best team in every match wins the battle”. The first round of matches, however, spring up a number of surprising results, with “The Ironclads” overturning “Dare Devils”, “Radiation Domination” beating “Vengeance”, and “Reaper Crew” being humiliated by brand new clan “Pink Petunias”, led by DidYouKnowThat, with star player FatalTank surprising all viewers with his incredible ability with the weapon “Shaft” and earning an early nomination for “Player of the tournament” nominated as a result of “capturing three flags whilst using shaft despite getting a 0.14 D/L”. A few complaints are raised, mainly due to the fact that he failed to use the shoot key whilst playing, but the majority of the community are truly appreciative of his talent and give him accolade after accolade.

 

The new physics are finally “corrected” this month, after Anton Volkov's interventions had led to the “unfortunate mistakes which took place on the old model”. Tanki Online do announce, however, forty-two crystals for anyone who notices “any lingering failures which we have accidentally failed to correct.” and a search goes on to find any of the remaining errors hidden in the game. Many somewhat difficult-to-explain images are found over the Tanki Online system, such as the distressing mess on the underside of Wasp equipped with Mary and the obnoxious picture on the side of one of the buildings in Gubakha. Tanki offer their “greatest apologies for much distress which may been caused by them pictures” and give every Tanki player 372 crystals, which was, according to an unnamed source in the Tanki Online administration, “the number of errors found, each of which is probably worth even less than one crystal so we are actually being really generous.”

 

This month also features disgraceful treatment of one of the most respected and acclaimed staff members of Tanki Online's English community. Some of the most vile, outrageous and disgusting Private Messages ever to be sent via the Tanki Forum private message system are sent during this month of February 2013 to the penta-awarded “Forum Moderator of the Month”, FederalBureauFBI, after he accidentally bans monkeybum for an “inappropriate nickname”. One of the most appalling of these Private Messages are sent by a coward hiding under the cover of a second account with the account name of “already.alive” who calls the almighty FBI “a somewhat incompetent moderator”. Under the barrage of such disgusting hate mail, FBI eventually, after a fortnight of “hanging in there”, calls it quits and leaves Tanki, never to return.

 

In other news this month: The moderator with the lowest rank ever joins the moderation team. CriminalInvestigationCIA, who had had a Tanki account for just four hours, is confirmed as the latest moderator, picking up FederalBureauFBI's mantle; Tanki Online brings out a new game mode, based upon the commonly played sport of Football. However, after a few days Tanki players notice a glitch where their tanks suddenly flip upon contact with any part of an opponent's tank, their language becomes a lot more disrespectful to each other and their opponents, and their intelligence decreases tenfold whenever they play in the “Football” game mode.

 

March

 

The cybersport tournament reaches a strange climax when, in a sudden twist of events, it is announced that the knockout stages are cancelled and replaced by further group stages. The justification for this which is given by the cybersport team is that “the concept of knockouts are very confusing” and that “a further seven-and-a-half group stages will simplify the tournament and make it more enjoyable for every one of our loyal viewers”. Amid huge anticipation, especially after this latest announcement, the tournament takes place with a huge fanfare. The opening match, “Noob Army” against “Kings of Arabia”, has a worldwide audience of 43,000 in the new “spectator mode for ordinary members” and despite a couple of complaints by some of the spectators and players about lag the tournament is expected to be a great success.

 

This month, Alternativa Platform announce their very own official awards, with the winners coming from their games or their communities. Despite being announced at a seemingly random time of the year, the “AP awards 2014” are built up greatly and the competitive nature of the communities hots up as the awards are announced. With a judging panel of three, Semyon Kirov, Mikhail Yarusov and Ksenia Ignatieva, the results are announced on the fourteenth of this month. The most important awards are announced on a live stream, and the results are met with a great deal of feedback. These results include “Game of the year” [Tanki Online], “Developer of the year” [Mikhail Yarusov], “Company of the year” [Alternativa Platform], “Community Manager of the year” [semyon Kirov], “Female employee of the year” [Ksenia Ignatieva] and “English Cybersport Commentator of the year” [Not Applicable] and many other such awards. Each of the winners are treated to their own luxury mansion in northern Siberia, as part of the Russian government's plans to encourage industry in their less economically well-off places.

 

One of the awards, however, causes more of a stir than was previously hoped. The “International Community of the Year” award was expected to be no more than a routine way of announcing whether the Alternativa Platform administration preferred English or German food, but when roast beef was preferred to sausages there was a huge uproar from the German side of Tanki Online. The German forum turned to chaos in the space of a few hours, with thousands of German players searching for evidence that would prove that they were a superior community to the “lazy, fat, and stupid American and English thing”. Despite providing the administration with 100,500 pieces of evidence of their superiority, carefully stored into a .zip file uploaded onto Dropbox, the results remain unchanged and events take a turn for the more sinister.

 

Members of the German community invade the English forum, spamming it with offensive pictures and causing Moderator_G to have a headache as a result of the amount of confusing humour there is and the amount of thought required to decide whether posting a picture which describes an American as “a bit silly” deserves a month or a two-month ban. Despite all the bans handed out, including the brand new, shiny, and long-awaited year-long bans, the flood continues until eventually the administration threatens to close down the German side of the game, with Maksim Khusainov stating that “this behaviour is unacceptable. I understand that you're German and we have to make allowances but even, despite that, this is terrible.” Even that fails to appease the rioters and eventually the German government has to be contacted. To avoid fuss, they block the Tanki throughout the whole of Germany. Greece and France promptly do the same, just because Germany did it.

 

Other news this month: Tanki Online release T-shirts with English text on them However, only after they are released does the administration realise that rather than saying the intended “See you in the Battle” they actually say “I saw you on the Cattle”.; Tanki release a brand new game mode based upon the common game of cricket. However, the battles in this game mode have an unintended glitch as after every ten minutes the tanks sit down to have a little chat about how things are getting on, and every half hour the battle completely stops for the players to have a drink of tea. These annoying glitches result in the “cricket” game mode being deleted after two weeks as the administration sees no way of fixing these glitches.

 

April

 

This month, Tanki Online announces a huge new sponsorship deal with a major Russian company. However, rather than being the world-renowned oil giant BP sponsoring Tanki, instead it is announced that Tanki themselves have taken up the sponsorship of Russian football club CSKA Moscow. This announcement is taken with incredulity by the majority of Tanki players, with the largest English community protest group created by haider15905, named “Cash Should Keep Around”, although it appears that nobody has any real idea at what that name actually means except that in acronym form it spells “CSKA”. This fact causes the mature and sensible people which the English community is made up of to giggle piggishly whilst sitting in their little seats in front of the computer, thinking that that fact shows real intelligent and is absolutely hilarious.

 

Throughout this month, the cybersport tournament continues. Unfortunately, as a result of the minutely significant disagreement between the German Tanki players and the administration, the German clans are no longer able to take part in the tournament and all four German clans to reach the fourth group stage are removed and replaced by clans which they had previously knocked out. Three of the replacement clans get knocked out immediately, but controversy surrounds one of those clans selected as a replacement, “Yankees 4EVER”, led by JonathanBernatowicz. Originally knocked out in the first round after losing all their matches by the maximum 18-0, they returned to the tournament after “Old Stars” were removed and promptly won their group, defeating highly regarded clans such as “Dare Devils” and “Pink Petunias”. Accusations of cheating are flung at them, but no proof can be found of any of their accusations until it surfaces that it seems likely that one of their members, Lance_Armstrong_99_00_01_02_03_04_05 was taking the performance-enhancing drug EPO and encouraging the others to do the same. When it appears that he is going to be summoned to Perm to stand for his crimes, JonathanBernatowicz realises that he has no option but to play the race card and claims that this treatment is “just because we're American!”. The Tanki administration consider his pleas but eventually decide that that fact only means “all the more reason why you would cheat, you filthy western scum”, and kick “Yankees 4EVER” out of the tournament and promptly ban all American clans from taking part in the tournament.

 

This leaves just two clans to fight it out, the predominantly-European “Ironclads” and Italian “Cobras Dangerous”. The final battle is locked closely, with momentum swinging from one side to another. Eventually, the score reaches 17-15 to the “Ironclads” and in the next battle the “Ironclads” capture three early flags to guarantee themselves victory. All of a sudden, “Cobras Dangerous” point out that “the Ironclads” are playing Rocket101 in their team, who is American. In an instant, the moderator of the battle, G_The_Boss, kicks all the Ironclads members out of the battle, bans Rocket101 with the brand new seven-and-a-half year ban, and pronounces “Cobras Dangerous” the winner of the tournament.

 

Other news this month: The “new graphics” are beta tested on the test server and in what is one of the most surprising facts of the year, people dislike it. There are claims from Lankbouv that it is “too realistic”, from FatalTank that it is “too cartoon” and from a whole host of other Tanki players, claiming that the graphics “cause too much lag”; “are too simple”; “smell too much like cherryade” and many other similar complaints; Tanki Online's “Baseball” game mode is released. However, nothing of any interest takes place in any of the battles played in this game mode and after a while everyone realises what a pointlessly useless game mode Baseball is and it fizzles out into oblivion, never to be played or seen again.

 

May

 

Spring arrives, and with it a whole host of joyous news for the English Tanki community! After slaving alone for almost a year as the sole community manager in the English community, Semyon is joined by many more community managers. In a business move announced by Semyon as having the aim to “get alongside our -customers- players and to assist them into having as pleasurable an experience as possible when buying crystals playing our game.”, fifty-three new English community managers are hired and unveiled en masse in a large ceremony in the Tanki Online headquarters. With the new moves, Semyon remains “head community manager” but he is assisted in many different tasks by the new employees. The new managers are given roles in many different fields, such as Lika Vinogradova taking the role of “Community manager for cybersport” and Olesya Kolesnikova assuming the role of “Community manager for moderation”, among other roles.

 

The removal of the American clans from the cybersport community raises little more than a few eyebrows until news breaks out from across the pond that “Surburban Gunners” leader RampagingVenom has sued Alternativa Platform as a result of his clan's elimination from the competition, which e describes as an “appalling undemocratic gesture, violating all the rights for freedom which our own glorious America is trying to force upon all the currently unfree countries of the world”. Unsurprisingly, the American state take these accusations very seriously and proceed onwards to investigating the matter carefully. After a few minutes of careful deliberations, the NSA decides that “Tanki Online is a threat to the freedom which we here in our beautifully free country stand for and as a result must be forcibly removed from the lives of our citizens, who will have no possibility to access this vile thing which risks removing all elements of freedom from our lives.”. Tanki is blocked in America. Britain and Canada promptly obey America's orders and block Tanki in their lands as well.

 

After the “utterly wonderful event” that was the first cybersport event of the year, the cybersport team feel overjoyed with their success and are prepared to take a well-deserved eight-month break. That is, until the community manager for reaching targets, Ilya Avdeyev, points out that the cybersport team has only contributed to the organisation of one tournament in the first four months of the year. The penta-returned micah7586 points out that that tournament took four months, but Ilya is having none of it and threatens to force the cybersport team to actually stream a first-round match in the next tournament if they don't get their act together and organise something. In response to that, the cybersport team respond by arranging ten tournaments to take place in the space of one week in the next month, all of which are compulsory for all clans to enter. These tournaments include the next round of Lucky7, but also some new tournaments are introduced. “The Berlin Wall” tournament is introduced to ridicule the German players who are no longer able to play Tanki, the tournament featuring 4v4 battles in Berlin where all players are required to use Freeze and Mammoth.

 

Other news this month: Hogree manages to find an illegal hosting site allowing him to play Tanki despite living in England – he refuses to share with any other players the link, however, worried that anyone else knowing might result in the site being closed down. In anger at this fact, slightly_psychotic suffocates him in his sleep, for which he gets a three year jail sentence for “animal cruelty”; Tanki bring out a new gamemode called “Basketball mode” - however, after two weeks of gaining so much experience that every single Tanki player is a generalissimo, players realise, as ARABICGEEE says, that “any game or sport or whatever that allows you to score points so easily clearly requires no skill and is pointless to play” and soon after that, Tanki remove the game mode after the advice of new “advice from customers” community manager Panteleimon Artemiev and nobody plays basketball again, realising that it needs no skill whatsoever.

 

June

 

With the end of the football season, Tanki Online begin to make plans towards their first season as a football team's sponsor. Their first move is to request the change of kits to “Tanki's own murky-green-and-brown colour, which will certainly win the team many new fans” according to the community manager in charge of sponsorship, Regina Vasilieva. The new shirts are greeted with horror from both CSKA Moscow and Tanki Online fans, but despite this minor setback Tanki Online go ahead with their other plans to “make the team more attractive a prospect to support for both national and international customers fans.”

 

Their “next small step” in doing this is to legally change the names of CSKA's most famous players. Midfielders Mark Gonzalez and Keisuke Honda are the “first two to be activated as part of this process”, according to Roman Epishin, who was given the role of “Community manager for changing names”. Mark's name changes to “Hunter Magadan”, whilst Keisuke is called “Mary the Mammoth”, both of which are hailed by Tanki Online moderator G_THE_BOSS as “a huge positive step in the development of CSKA Moscow as a football club.” However, a setback to Tanki's plans occurs when, on a live TV interview, Makarov.Dreyar, apparently a “passionate CSKA fan” states “This sucks”.

 

The new cybersport format of ten tournaments in one week creates a great deal of chaos in the clans of Tanki Online. With a different member of cybersport arranging each tournament, many matches taking place clash with each other, so very few of the matches can actually be streamed – Selena12121 claims that “this is obviously a ploy allowing the cybersport team to be lazy”, an accusation which brambo6 passionately denies. On top of that, some clans are also forced to play more than one match at the same time, and with the best-of-thirty-five format the matches are gruelling. The clan which wins nine of the tournaments coincidentally is the clan with the most members, flae99's “Venom Strike”. Accusations are that they used their secondary accounts, but when investigated by moderator irontank1v, it is revealed that “the clan members actually just had a recruitment drive involving their younger siblings”. There are doubts that sky128 actually has 13 younger brothers and 7 younger sisters, but nobody comments on that anomaly and the storm of controversy passes.

 

Other news this month: The first player to be given a “twenty-year-ban” is GoldRock, for “spreading dangerous and disgusting democratic thoughts”, although he claims “there is no rule against asking for our consultants to be elected”; a new “archery” game mode is released but it fails to gain popularity as, according to blackshark700, “that requires skills” and using skills is not very popular among the Tanki community.

 

Hope you enjoy,

~skitee

Edited December 28, 2013 by skitee

[I3loodShot 3,119]

Haha this is great :D

[Eragon 13,876]

i doubt you can predict the future, admins have a way to give surprises 

[RampagingVenom 554]

Player RampagingVenom has been warned. Reason: Overquoting, point 3.7. Rules

Edited December 28, 2013 by FederalBureauFBI

[r_ADITYA980 45]

nice :) :)

[RampagingVenom 554]

Sorry  fed :)

did not know about that  rule

but I do  now ^_^

*notes down rule 3.7 *

hehe I got a mention :)

Edited December 28, 2013 by RampagingVenom

[X-x-A-x-X 144]

lol this is really good :)

[hogree 4,179]

Hilarious lol I love how g's name changes every time you mention him. GGWP :lol:

[skitee 555]

Thanks guys, much appreciated. :)

 

i doubt you can predict the future, admins have a way to give surprises 

You underestimate me. Admins have nothing on me.

 

By the way....

If you like this, you'll love:

2012's predictions: http://en.tankiforum.com/index.php?showtopic=86970

2013, Part One: http://en.tankiforum.com/index.php?showtopic=163565&hl=

2013, Part Two: http://en.tankiforum.com/index.php?showtopic=166268&hl=

 

Nothing like a good bit of flagrant self-propagation.

[Meliora 1,652]

You spelt Valletta wrong the first time, but I think it's still very good ;).

[SuperNick95 5,312]

The first player to be given a “twenty-year-ban” is GoldRock, for “spreading dangerous and disgusting democratic thoughts”, although he claims “there is no rule against asking for our consultants to be elected”

Well well well. Just 20 years?

[RampagingVenom 554]

Was hoping for a more substantial mention but  hey ho it`s better than not being mentioned at all ^_^  

[already.dead 360]

This month also features disgraceful treatment of one of the most respected and acclaimed staff members of Tanki Online's English community. Some of the most vile, outrageous and disgusting Private Messages ever to be sent via the Tanki Forum private message system are sent during this month of February 2013 to the penta-awarded “Forum Moderator of the Month”, FederalBureauFBI, after he accidentally bans monkeybum for an “inappropriate nickname”. One of the most appalling of these Private Messages are sent by a coward hiding under the cover of a second account with the account name of “already.alive” who calls the almighty FBI “a somewhat incompetent moderator”. Under the barrage of such disgusting hate mail, FBI eventually, after a fortnight of “hanging in there”, calls it quits and leaves Tanki, never to return.

._.

[FederalBureauFBI 2,881]

:lol:

[Raphael2 3,263]

But... but.... but........ Why? ;( Tanki will be blocked in France :(

[Psycho 586]

3 years :o

[TakUrciteee 54]

LuL Skit :lol:  You are so talented :D

Edited December 28, 2013 by TakUrciteee

[hogree 4,179]

3 years :o

Edited December 28, 2013 by hogree

[Eragon 13,876]

Thanks guys, much appreciated. :)

 

You underestimate me. Admins have nothing on me.

 

By the way....

If you like this, you'll love:

2012's predictions: http://en.tankiforum.com/index.php?showtopic=86970

2013, Part One: http://en.tankiforum.com/index.php?showtopic=163565&hl=

2013, Part Two: http://en.tankiforum.com/index.php?showtopic=166268&hl=

 

Nothing like a good bit of flagrant self-propagation.

what if you are wrong?

[Beerme 106]

Awesome :D

and nice knowing you hog

Edited December 28, 2013 by Beerme

[Raphael2 3,263]

Eragon, have you ever heard of humour?

 

And if he's wrong, he'll hide in a cave.

[Distroy-u 23]

Flae will get banned forever

 

axaxaaxaxaxaaxaxx

[RampagingVenom 554]

 

 

The removal of the American clans from the cybersport community raises little more than a few eyebrows until news breaks out from across the pond that “Surburban Gunners” leader RampagingVenom has sued Alternativa Platform as a result of his clan's elimination from the competition, which e describes as an “appalling undemocratic gesture, violating all the rights for freedom which our own glorious America is trying to force upon all the currently unfree countries of the world”.

 

Hope you enjoy,

~skitee

hehe :)  very funny :D

Edited December 28, 2013 by RampagingVenom

[r_GoldRock30 68]

Truly amazing. I especially liked the political and democratic references :lol: Seriously one of the best Tanki writings I've read, super high quality humour there which kept me laughing throughout.

 

Well well well. Just 20 years?

I hereby request a 20-year ban on this account.

 

 

 

[MasterNoob1 104]

Truly amazing. I especially liked the political and democratic references :lol: Seriously one of the best Tanki writings I've read, super high quality humour there which kept me laughing throughout.

 

I hereby request a 20-year ban on this account.

 

 

Gold, how did u get your main account banned??