Review [Issue 20] Behind the Breaking News: January

[hogree 4,179]

Welcome back to the January edition of Behind the Breaking News where I, Hog, will reveal all the shocking truths behind this month's Tanki news. Take a seat, grab some popcorn and buckle up tight - and be prepared for some unbelievable revelations as we discover what really happened this month...

 

 

Once again, as I start this article, I recite the ever-lasting lines of my predecessor, Sir GoldRock. I really must get round to putting up a statue of him on the front door. What a wonderful man. 

 

And after twenty-three days of studious contemplation in my study, I suddenly gained an inspiration for my very own line. Yes, that's your cue, adoring fans. *Accepts rapturous praise* Why, thank you! I always knew I had it in me... The new rule is written in purple rather than red, to avoid it being related with any outsider's bloodstained rules. Goodbye Co-Ownership, Hello Dictatorship.

 

- Do not take this article seriously; it is very difficult to do so anyway.

- Any apparent reference to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental and unintentional.

- It is highly recommended that you eat popcorn whilst reading this article. Preferably Butter Toffee. It all seems to stick together far better when you do.

 

 

January 1st: The GAME is on!

 

Barely a couple of hours had passed in 2014 and the devs were already trying to wreck the brains of the players with a new form of torture. Unsurprisingly, the idea behind The Game was rooted in anger. Aleksey Khushainov and Maksim Osin had been battling out a game of "Magic: The Gathering" as we know they always do, and just as Aleksey was about to play the winning move, guess what. A power cut. Maksim claimed a draw due to lack of light at the end of match, shouting with a thick Russian accent: "THE GAME IS OFF CNC NARA HY6S." Of course, the infuriated Aleksey yelled back: "GOLD BIL THE GAME IS ON ф пр л ". After a good few weeks of fighting in the offices, Aleksey sprung an evil masterplan to gain his all-important victory by challenging Maksim that all the first hundred entries in The Game would be Russian. And lo and behold, when the entries opened for "The Game", some of the Russians "guessed" the final answer and stole the top presents before the last video was released, sprouting mutterings among the players that Aleksey had rigged the contest. The case continues in the Russian High Court.

 

January 10th: Where Have I seen that Contest - Part 2

 

Temptations come in many different shapes and forms. I'd say this is one of the more... tempting temptations. Let's give ourselves a beautiful visual picture, shall we? You see a pretty sign, decorated with many flowers, stars and Firebird-Hunter-Hohlomas and on the front is a picture of your crush smiling at you. Written in full capitals, the words shout at you: "20,000 Crystals going free! Don't miss it!" Meanwhile, behind the sign, sits an evil bird. And every time you send a tweet through, he transforms it into rotting human flesh. And eats it. And each tweet you send, he grows more and more. Until one day he will eat you. Have a nice day.

 

January 12th: New Cybersport Community Manager: Alex!

 

10 Days of no proper news; some would have guessed that it was a sign that a threat to Semyon's rule would appear. Enter Alex, a new Cybersport Manager for the Tanki Communities. With a Cybersport Manager coming in, the rumours have been heating up for an upcoming World Cup. Well, let me confirm those rumours. There will 100% be a World Cup coming up later this year. If you want to watch it, just head over to Brazil. 

 

January 13th: "Come to Light" Contest for Facebook

 

A new contest came to light on January 13th - aimed to get players to take some pictures of the colours the Dynamic Lighting offered. For Facebook. Yes, you heard me. Can you believe it? Only Facebook get to enter the Come To Light Contest. I call that discrimination. Even the prehistoric MySpace would demonstrate more class. - I personally find the lights lighting up space much more attractive than the lights lighting up your face. No offence intended whatsoever.

 

January 14th: Photoshop Contest

 

After the recent discovery that only 22 1/2 people in the world actually own Adobe Photoshop legally, the Tanki developers have decided to create a contest to check out whether people who download Torrents actually know how to use them. All the same, even though it was probably more fun last year adding facial hair to Ksenia, Maksim looks pretty intimidating when someone's giving him a piggyback. You win some; you lose some.

 

January 15th-16th: The Discount Depends on You! Voted for Isida

 

The fact that Isida gets yet another discount tells us a lot once again about the genius Tanki player base. Looks like Isida protection is the next big thing... being in a Silence CTF nowadays seems like being in a parasite zoo - all those zappers feeding off me. The only logical explanation as to why the cheapest and one of the most over-powered weapons in the game was given a 50% discount is that the majority of "people" who play Tanki are vampires. How didn't I figure this out before? It all makes so much more sense. 

 

January 16th: Helpers of the Year 2013!

 

What point is there to a New Year if you don't sum up the best of the last 12 months? With the new "Helpers" addition in the latter part of the year, the kind Tanki developers decided to chuck out a few extra bonuses (1000 of each to be precise) for the people who had helped them that year. The list featured incredible tankmen such as hogree, hardworking staff members including hogree and the best reporter of the year. I'll let you decide who that might possibly just be. Modesty Level = king ok.

 

January 17th: Battle of the Rusty Barrels

 

It was January 1903. The sun was shining in downtown Texas. "You old yellow-bellied good-for-nothing [censored]!" shouted Travis R Levi Jr, as he whipped up his old horse, Rex, on the way up the hill. Chewing a wad of tobacco, he jumped off his horse, his leather belt catching on the saddle. He swore and spat out his tobacco, the saliva melting on the stirrups. Tucking his plaid shirt in as he attempted to untie his jeans from the saddle, he unintentionally scratched Rex, and the old horse neighed in pain and immediately bolted. Travis went flying. Like, literally. He flew into space, and never was to be seen again. A few hours later, he landed on a rusty barrel. 111 years later, Tanki celebrate the fact that Travis landed on a rusty barrel with a new contest. No-one knows why.

 

January 22nd: Vote for Discount - Hulls!

 

Tanki didn't want to discriminate and break their equality laws by giving a discount to the weapons and not the hulls in one month, and thus it wasn't long before another discount hit the scenes... Once again, voting was allowed (I still don't understand why the developers can trust us to influence even the tiniest decision in the game) - and lo and behold, Hornet won. So the cheapest hull and the cheapest weapon - both two of the best pieces of equipment in the game get 50% Discounts. Tee-pee-cull. But hulld on, you say! Viking and Wasp get discounts too, you say! One word I have for you, son. Piddlewhack.

 

January 25th: Guides Contest

 

Incredible. That's been five contests this month? *Puts on Doesnt-the-time-fly-grandpa-voice* "You know, ol' boy, back in the day, we didn't have none of this. We had to work ourselves for the most part, you know that? You could do with a bit of toughening up too, you know... *guffaws* I'm only joking, old chap. Ah, those were the days. When contests were the moments of our lives. You know, once, back when I was in school, years ago now, one of these contests came out and I went ballistic with joy. Won it too, I did - still got the trophy in my cabinet! Fancy a look? You couldn't believe it - all those winters without central heating - I used to..." *voice trails off into distance* #truestory

 

_________________________________________

 

"Tanks" for reading! 

 

[Mithrandir1 17]

It's rusty gun barrels - because the devs are rusty. Anyway, good article.

[coolio679 84]

A nice read

[GoldRock 6,165]

Top-notch article once again hog, a hilarious read with the humour used being spot-on as usual. You're really doing an awesome job with this series!

 

Once again, as I start this article, I recite the ever-lasting lines of my predecessor, Sir GoldRock. I really must get round to putting up a statue of him on the front door. What a wonderful man.

If you must put a statue up, make sure it's Gold *ba dum tss*

 

Sir GoldRock... that nickname :wub:

[Fjelstad1678 186]

It's rusty gun barrels - because the devs are rusty. Anyway, good article.

 

- Do not take this article seriously; it is very difficult to do so anyway.

[D1E 257]

Dis not funny ok ._.

[hogree 4,179]

Due to the seeming lack of interest in this series, I would like to announce that this series will not be continuing unless popular demand rises.

[wahsan2 4]

Nice Work bruh  :D Keep doing it so I can save crys before lol 

[jazz20 1,181]

Due to the seeming lack of interest in this series, I would like to announce that this series will not be continuing unless popular demand rises.

bring it back now that the community is much much bigger. It would be interesting to see what people have to say now that the controversy in the game is always at high tension :P