Other [Issue 31] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - January

[hogree 4,179]

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper press, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests, anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. But the Newspaper isn't all about boring facts and figures. What about the stuff that's been going on behind your backs this month? Here at the Dictator, we fill in where the rest of the paper does not, delivering you shocking news stories and fresh rumours direct from the battle-lines. Enjoy!

Hog: Well well well. Where to start? Firstly, I do apologise for a lack of material last issue. As many of you know, the rock of gold decided to take an unprecedented break from things before publication last issue. Meanwhile, I was eating a 20p ice-cream cone in McDonalds in Malaysia, dreaming of a plate of beef fried noodles, a legitimate table-tennis bat and a decent Internet connection. Unfortunately, to cut a long story short, we didn't get anything written. Not only that, but as I said earlier, the rock of gold's packed up his bags and said his farewells. Yeah, I know. *swallows and sniffs simultaneously* However, it's not all doom and gloom. For starters, we're back, of course. And, also, I've got a bag of Sweet n' Salt Popcorn. And to top it all off, Kevred's come to give me a hand! So tuck in...
 
Kev: There's McDonalds' in Malaysia? I definitely have to go there more often.Oh and yeah great being here and all, I'm honored and stuff, thank you blablabla you're the best giggety-giggety-blah now leave me alone so I can steal Hog's popcorn in peace. 

---

Smashed cars and muscle strains as the "February New Year's Resolution Syndrome" strikes again!
By @hogree
 
I like to think of New Year's Resolutions as playing with Shaft. Fun and challenging for the first few weeks - but after that, just a pain in the neck. Similar sort of story - happens every year, without fail. So, as the extremely nice people we are here at The Dictator, we thought it an extremely nice idea to take a look around and admire the extremely nice failures of people around us. This year, we managed to disguise it as a serious investigation into the "February New Year's Resolution Syndrome" alerting readers of the syndrome's potential ability to remove gravity, delete the sun and install a parallel universe. But, you know, no biggy. Let's cut to the meat.

 

Where to start? Well, rumours that Semyon's resolution to "Never crash into a lamp-post again" were quite literally smashed have spread, after Therider claimed to see him fleeing the scene on footage from one of his specially-modified Semyon-hunting drones. And although shadewarttt's resolution to play Tanki for one hour this year looks to be heading towards a big fat zero, that is surely shadowed by the impressive failure of Orfee5's resolution to "not post a real photo until the second day of January", which went out of the window pretty quickly. However, we can report that a couple of players do look on the way to defying the odds, as Fen-Harel's resolution to "Do one pull-up" is surely on the horizon with a reported 0.86 pull-ups; and I.Epicness's vow to create "10 more clans" this year was classed as "too obvious to call a resolution" by the Dubious Resolutions Committee.

 

Well, I guess, after all that, all we can say is "Good luck". Because if you're anything like me, deleting the sun would probably have a major effect on things in general. On the positive side, I won't need sunglasses anymore. Then again, I might find a use for them in the parallel universe.
"Ouf!" New record-breaking crazes smash RU1 with some force...
By @hogree
 
Breaking records is a bit like eating a chicken drumstick. One second, the drumstick's there - and the next it's gone. Same with the record. So, when the records company called, reporting that a record had been broken, it was natural for us to feel a bit excited. I was slightly worried that the record would say that someone else had nicked some record off me like "Most chicken soups eaten in one hour", but thankfully it is rumoured that the record for "The shortest time a 20-player unofficial public battle has become full" was overcome this month with an estimated figure of 3 seconds. Created by the popular Youtuber, O.U.F.A, the battle was quoted by the record company as having "filled up quicker than McDonalds on a winter evening". The figure of O.U.F.A on Server RU1 is certainly gaining some fans with many expressing their love for the with eloquent quotes such as "oufa u r d best", "oufa king" and even "hi oufa".

 

Meanwhile, another craze has gripped RU1 by storm this month. With the XP/BP craze still going, it looks like it's been joined by another of its friends from the P Family - CP. Polygon CP XP/BPs (Mouthful huh?) do provide an extra level of definition to the word banter with a gameplay speed claimed to beat Mr.Dreyar's new Internet in a race. With the return of Bruce Lunga this month sparking joy around the community, it's rumoured it was simply the sheer speed of the growth of the Polygon CP craze that his electrons automatically logged his brain onto Tanki. Makes sense. Ish. Others haven't been so impressed with C_M_P_T_O_H_O_C_E_H rumoured to have written a rap featuring the line "You say CP? I say creepy" which was backed up by new clan Trenzalore's first-team crew when they posted an official Twitter update which read "get off this rubbish and give us back our sanity i.e. parma".

Strange events reported after the Dictator receives mysterious transmission
By @Kevred
 
Last week an anonymous group calling themselves the "Iloumynati" sent a voice recording to the Dictator. In the message was a bunch of gibberish that when plugged into Google Translate, popped up into either "The moon is fake! It's actually just a projection in the sky! It's cast from a top-secret US base!", or "pink shadow likes fighting kitties". Both options are being considered by the Investigation department. After the two paths ended up in dead-ends, the case was closed by Chief Detective snipe3000. But recent events have forced the detective out of his couch and pulled his eyes off the TV (much to his parents' happiness).
 
The previous week, the Dictator had sent three of his best reporters on a shuttle to investigate the moon, but had mysteriously lost contact with the cardboard Coca-Cola propelled space rocket "Apallou thirtiin" three minutes after take-off. In addition, the next three candidates for the trip to the moon were all afflicted with a strange disease, never diagnosed before. Fortunately the three reporters affirm that hamburgers, chips, cokes, and TV marathons makes them feel better, so scientists have a good lead for researching a cure. Also, snipe3000 was witnessed in the laboratory, trying to sniff the bacteria samples of the sick. The reason is currently unknown.
 
Meanwhile, the Dictator has done some investigations and after 3 packs of Hog's Sweet N' Salt popcorn (without his approval, of course), they have finally made a discovery. It seems that, when under specific conditions, pink shadows really do like fighting kitties. Researchers had put a shadow in a pink room, and put a small aggressive kitty in it. When they checked back in 15 minutes, they found out that the shadow was following the kitty wherever it went. Further investigations will be conducted on why the shadow disappears when the cat goes away from the window. Readers should note that the shadow was, unfortunately, not pink. 
 
The NASA has been contacted about these events, and at time of writing, we have just received a reply.
________________
From: NASA
To: The idiots who wrote the wrong email address
Subject: Whatever the aforementioned idiots wanted to say in their blank email.
 
Go to the attached link for a list of child-friendly websites. Fen-Harel stakes claim for open The Dictator spot in dramatic fashion...
By @hogree

The departure of GoldRock has twisted hearts on so many levels. On hearing the news, some have broken down in tears, others have cried for their mummies, and his many smitten female fans have experienced emotional trauma at this time of his departure (Rumours claim some only find themselves able to sleep by listening to his commentary). However, none have felt the effect of GoldRock's departure so strong as his fellow reporter buddy Fen-Harel. After reading the goodbye message, Fen was next seen hiding in the baggage holder of an aeroplane from Belgrade to Manchester with nothing but a Chemistry Paper in his hand in a last-ditch attempt to lure him back.

 

Nonetheless, at arrival, he was transported back via helicopter (Yep, police), and vowed to make amends for his failure by grabbing the vacancy in The Dictator team to show his commitment to his cause. Understandably, this was greeted with unsure looks from the choosers of GoldRock's replacement. However, using some elite psychological techniques, he worked his way into the minds of the defenceless staff. His plan was almost complete and he was just going to move into The Dictator premises - until he realized he had forgotten to pack a Periodic Table. Thinking of GoldRock's disappointment, he ran back home.

 

Enter Kevred. Seeing his chance to join the most amazing thing, like, of all time slipping away; he had prepared a pile of jujutaiskaladooshjitsu moves. He did the old-school "hide behind the curtain" method, and when Fen returned, panting for breath after running all the way from Serbia, he pulled out a Percy Jackson manoeuvre and kicked a winded Fen-Harel out of the premises, to claim the position for his own. Will Fen have a comeback? He normally does. The saga continues next issue...

---

"I have a dream" - The Map Edition
By @hogree

 

Note: this is not a Novel. Or a Lost Temple.

 

I have a dream that one day at the great Fort Knox, men will travel from across the Islands, past the Highways, down the Combe and over the Highland to unite together at the top of the Hill, take off their Sandal, Wave and proclaim to all with a great Noise that "Chicken is the Future!". I have a dream that all people, from the wastelands of Chernobyl and the Desert of Iran will join together. Men, women and children from Cologne, Dusseldorf, Berlin, Edinburgh, as far as Monte Carlo and Rio will sing together with one voice. Men and women will Cross the Bridges (children across the Short Bridge) and meet at the Grand Stadium Arena to celebrate nothing in particular.

 

I have a dream that one day there will be no more Opposition and no more Rift between nations. I have a dream that Gravity will still exist, that the Subway will Pass over the deepest Valley and that my descendant Jimmy McHog will Siege a Factory in Tribute of the Skyscrapers that have fallen into Silence. I have a dream that the Scope of Madness will no longer exceed the Deathtrack of the scariest Esplanade, but in contrast, the children would take Courage and swim in the Forest with the hippopotamuses. 

 

I have a dream that all this will be true by the Year 2042. I have a dream that on that day, the world will be ruled by a man named President Atra Barda Bobruisk Boombox Brest Garder Gubakha Kolhoz Magistral Molotov Osa Parma Sandbox Solikamsk Wolfenstein, and all will be good.

 

Oh, and Aleksandrovsk. That's his... middle name.
If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

July 2014

August 2014

September 2014

October 2014

November 2014

Edited July 30, 2017 by Hexed

[CombatCat2 248]

First!

Well written, I like it!

I'm in it, but it doesn't specifically say my name. I suppose I should thank kev for putting me in. "Thanks Kev" (<-in that cheap, sarcastic voice).

Edited January 30, 2015 by CombatCat2

[snipe3000 678]

Second 

 

lol i was the only one who had their name actually written in it and thx kev well written

[Reeco9 1,567]

Woooo 'tator is back  :D

[DarkShadow916 304]

Nice articles

PinkShadows are ok but DarkShadow's rock :D :lol: :D

[jazz20 1,181]

Very entertaining :P

[Penguin40 1,714]

That Map one was too funny.

[Tanki_Online_65 1]

Did they said '' Malaysia '' ? Im living there :P

[Truthteller 4,204]

Funny 

[lukey0 27,543]

Very entertaining especially the "I have a dream"-  The Map Edition

[carefulmatthewtomas 39]

---

"I have a dream" - The Map Edition
By @hogree

 

Note: this is not a Novel. Or a Lost Temple.

 

I have a dream that one day at the great Fort Knox, men will travel from across the Islands, past the Highways, down the Combe and over the Highland to unite together at the top of the Hill, take off their Sandal, Wave and proclaim to all with a great Noise that "Chicken is the Future!". I have a dream that all people, from the wastelands of Chernobyl and the Desert of Iran will join together. Men, women and children from Cologne, Dusseldorf, Berlin, Edinburgh, as far as Monte Carlo and Rio will sing together with one voice. Men and women will Cross the Bridges (children across the Short Bridge) and meet at the Grand Stadium Arena to celebrate nothing in particular.

 

I have a dream that one day there will be no more Opposition and no more Rift between nations. I have a dream that Gravity will still exist, that the Subway will Pass over the deepest Valley and that my descendant Jimmy McHog will Siege a Factory in Tribute of the Skyscrapers that have fallen into Silence. I have a dream that the Scope of Madness will no longer exceed the Deathtrack of the scariest Esplanade, but in contrast, the children would take Courage and swim in the Forest with the hippopotamuses. 

 

I have a dream that all this will be true by the Year 2042. I have a dream that on that day, the world will be ruled by a man named President Atra Barda Bobruisk Boombox Brest Garder Gubakha Kolhoz Magistral Molotov Osa Parma Sandbox Solikamsk Wolfenstein, and all will be good.

 

Oh, and Aleksandrovsk. That's his... middle name.

 

Oh this is great :DDD
 

[T.Cosmic 25]

Amazing!

              Keep it Up!

                               and

                                     Dont

                                             Miss

                                                    that

                                                          Goldbox  ;)

[Langlas 11]

Amazing as always. Keep up the good work.

[Ben 644]

I predict that when (if) hogree grows up, he will become a very successful author of comical novels (ie hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, tanki style).

[CcC-T.i.q.R.i.S_TR 69]

keep up the good job :D

[Quarks 2,255]

That Map one was too funny.

definitely, Alexandrovich (I think is how its spelled), and how just lazy you where hog (sorry) with his name, and a lack of any ideas of what to do with the others. Good job Hog, very creative.

[Lankbouv 6,347]

Wowowowo

 

The article on the maps is epic

Seriously epic

[classyplebs 1,786]

NICE

[Superlative 500]

I'm crying by eyes off! Well done! The best one to me is the map one. :D

[henrythegr8th 11]

THe map one was the winner. lol

[Darren4Turbo 4,913]

Nice  :)

 

I don't use Dictator at all I don't know why  :D

Edited February 27, 2015 by Darren4Turbo

[l.Fearless 27]

I like dictator its very usefull for gold really when gold drop its yours 99% :D

[zaf1933_Tanki 7]

lamo tak jumpo budak yang kehilangan Gold box Halloween nih hahaah Tanki_Online_65 online lah k

[zaf1933_Tanki 7]

lamo tak jumpo budak yang kehilangan Gold box Halloween nih hahaah Tanki_Online_65 online lah k

[zaf1933_Tanki 7]

lamo tak jumpo budak Tanki_Online_65 nih