[Issue 48] How to Quit Losing

[sonofchrysalis3 3,719]

My friend Brass Knob and I have been best buddies for a long time. We’ve been through thick, thin, and slightly wrinkled together, having a good time and making memories that will keep us smiling for the rest of our lives. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I’d do anything and go anywhere with ol’ Knob…

 

Except onto the Tanki battlefield.

 

Brass has been playing Tanki for as long as I have. He has been exposed to all the same gameplay advice, he’s had the same experiences, and he even bought himself a few hundred thousand crystals. The result? He is a stone cold, grade A, smell-him-from-a-mile-away loser.

 

I’m sure that you, Brass Knob, are reading this. You always read the newsletter, especially when greyat publishes (which I suppose is why you always lose), so I know you’ll see this article and the advice I am about to dispense. My friend, you know I care as much as possible. I’m only telling you this to try to help you, first to realize that the way you play now is an embarrassment to everyone, and then how to fix it all.

 

 

1. Shut up

 

 

I have been screaming and crying and begging for you to STOP TYPING PARAGRAPHS IN THE FREAKING CHAT BOX IN THE MIDDLE OF BATTLE now for, well, ever since you figured out how to use it. I’m serious, if I knew the Goonshock hex, I would have cast it on you months ago to make you WANT to turn the chat off.

 

Let me give you a quick review lesson of Tanki’s kindergarten-level gameplay basics:

 

a. You are in control of a tank.

 

b. Other players will shoot at your tank. You don’t want that to happen.

 

c. You should move if they start shooting you, and you can’t do that if you are too busy typing “When did we become these sinking stones? When did we build this broken home? Holding each other like ransom notes, dropping our hearts to grip our brothers’ throats,” like you have NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE DOING and like you DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT THE TANK THAT IS EXPLODING IN FRONT OF YOU!

 

Pull your head out of your nether region, quit your stupid blabbering, remember why you are here, and play the game! I can understand if you are chirping to teammates about who’s hiding with the flag and where, or if you are greeting a friend who just dropped in, but when your D/L percentage is less than 0.50 and the chat box contains more of your mindless garbage than anything else, there is clearly something cooking in Denmark.

 

You can converse with your friends in the public chat outside of battle. When you are playing the game, it’s less talki and more Tanki.

 

Got it? Good. Next point:

 

 

2. Focus on the battle mode’s objective

 

 

You can be as quiet as a clam and still be a curse to your team. I once saw you on the opposing team at Highways CTF, working as one of the team’s eight shaft-wielding snipers. My team won that battle 20-0 because we had no competition whatsoever. Sure, you guys mined the area and camped at the flag, but that doesn’t matter when you aren’t even considering trying to capture our flag.

 

I know you could’ve done it if you had actually tried. You had an M2 Wasp, and most of my team members were still tiptoeing around in M0s. You could’ve walked off with an easy victory, but you were too busy sitting in your recliner, sipping a glass of cider and occasionally taking a shot at an enemy. If you want to sit like a pimple on a hog, then LOG OFF AND GO FIND A HOG. Do not inconvenience us with your dead weight and obstructive frame. You don’t contribute a thing to your team, and I just can’t express to you how close you have come to being reported and blocked for seemingly deliberate inactivity that helped the opposing team win. If you want to be as useful as a paper umbrella, do it in a Deathmatch, and preferably one in which I am playing so I can release months of pent-up frustration upon you.

 

 

3. Use your ten thousand supplies

 

 

I never even realized that you are still bumfuddled when a green wrench flashes in the air over an enemy who didn’t just drive over a repair box. “What, is he a hacker?” you asked me via PM recently.

 

For this, I must apologize. I take full responsibility for not explaining how the number buttons work. I remember how confused I was the first time I saw a Double Armor symbol appear over a tank that was nowhere near a drop zone. That happens because of pushing the number buttons.

 

See that section of the keyboard that’s all the way to the right? That’s the number pad. By pressing the 1 button, you can repair your tank if it’s damaged. Press the 2 and 3 buttons to activate Double Armor and Damage, 4 to Speed Boost, and 5 to drop a mine. Simple, right?

 

Now, if you use those buttons wisely and effectively, you might actually appear to not have been hiding in a closet when the skills were being given out.

 

 

4. Remember the crystals.

 

 

Lately you have been moping around because of your tiny crystal wallet. You’ve tried contests, you’ve considered buying, and you’ve even asked me to lend you some from the treasures Tanki pays me (and to that I say for the millionth time that, not only is crystal transfer illegal, but TANKI DOESN’T PAY ME).

 

While I think it’s a sad reason to play, I ask you to please consider the amount of crystals you are losing by not playing like you mean it. If you’d just make an effort to win, you would get the crystals you’ve been crying for. Use equipment that is suited for the map and mode you are playing, focus on the mode’s objective, and, FOR THE LOVE OF GALAXIA, TURN YOUR TURRET OR I WILL PULL IT OFF AND KNOCK YOU OVER THE CENTER FIELD FENCE!

 

 

5. Pay attention to spawning zones

 

 

One mistake you always make is rolling blindly through a spawning area, where you are promptly ambushed and massacred. A spawning zone is where tanks pop out of thin air, so you are silly to just prance right into one. If there was a portal in your neighborhood out of which herds of Gengars were wont to emerge, you would not build your house in front of it. The same logic applies to Tanki.

 

 

6. Either play the game or leave

 

 

Each of the flaws I have mentioned are severely hampering your success, but this final point is the thing that is literally destroying your Tanki experience: you just don’t seem to care. You stumble around without any apparent strategy or sense of direction, and every battle ends with you ranked along with the abandoned or lagged out tanks. Just watching you play is enough to put anyone to sleep. Why are you so apathetic? Did you not log in because you wanted to play? If you are going to nap, then turn off your computer and go to bed.

 

 

* * * * * * * *

 

While I have written this with Brass Knob in the forefront of my mind, I sincerely hope that the tankers with whom I play will please, please, PLEASE take a lesson from this, too. I know I am not a bad player, as I always top the leaderboards in every mode. Therefore, I know I am not the problem when, after a full three hours of searching for a good battle, I am left with nothing more than a headache and a nagging feeling that I am outgrowing Tanki’s public battles.

 

Edited February 5, 2016 by Lhamster

[Zenyth 6,494]

more like a rant but funny for a read :P

[I3ANNED 1,693]

<333

[DragonOfStorms 2,706]

I agree with Zenith, still pretty good though.

[Thomas11239 366]

Nice

[CrimsonSaviour 40]

How to quit losing unofficially: Use mults in the middle of a battle. Preferably on enemy team. 70% chance of winning at least.

 

Before enemy could report, send mult to garage or leave battle & rejoin.

 

Nothing can beat mults. :)

Edited February 5, 2016 by CrimsonSaviour

[awsmeplayer 59]

Lately you have been moping around because of your tiny crystal wallet. You’ve tried contests, you’ve considered buying, and you’ve even asked me to lend you some from the treasures Tanki pays me (and to that I say for the millionth time that, not only is crystal transfer illegal, but TANKI DOESN’T PAY ME).

 

They pay each one of you reporters 40k per article.

Haha...

[Lhamster 4,081]

They pay each one of you reporters 40k per article.

Haha...

They don't actually, IDK why that figure is being spread around.

[Lord-of-the-Snipers 1,620]

Pretty good article.

 

Would be nice if it would motivate those tankers,

who don 't understand how good teamplay should work.

[HaloScorpionV2 438]

XD

[Benefactor 6,888]

Pretty good article.

 

Would be nice if it would motivate those tankers,

who don 't understand how good teamplay should work.

I entered a 60-min Massacre CTF (blue) a few days ago using a Thunder/Viking combo, just camping on one of the two flat hills in the back. After about a minute, one of my team mates (Hammer/Wasp) kept shooting at me. He must have seen my garage because he implored me to change to Wasp so I can bring the flag over. I guess he knew more about the map. I told him I was a camper/defender and that's how I've always rolled. However, after half the time went by, I got bored. Sure, I was constantly top 3, but it became boring camping there. So I switched to Firebird/Hornet. Man that was fun! I got lucky as I was able to bring a flag over with barely a scratch. But I guess they were put on notice because I began to be hunted, especially by this Freeze. Sure, I could have stayed and racked up kills and raise my D/L, but it was more fun going into the middle of the crowd spraying flames on everyone I see before me. Die? Who cares! Just re-spawn and kill again!

 

I am/was a complete camper. But now I camp when I just want to play but chill for a while.

Yes, it is more fun getting dirty on the field than staying clean on the sidelines.

[wow349 4]

NIce article!!

( I died when you said that your friend especially reads greyat's posts and said it's why he always loses HAHAHAHAHA )

[austlee 56]

*reads article*

*searches Brass Knob in the forum*

[KillerGnat 3,135]

They don't actually, IDK why that figure is being spread around.

Classyplebs I think.

 

 

Well Stratus, you've done it again  :).

[generalpotato_PRO 1,076]

Pshhh yet another rant article as if one wasn't bad enough...

[Royalworld 1,269]

How to quit losing - Quit

[Podey_the_Buster 87]

Hee Hee, I think I might be able to graduate now! :P 

Why they promoted me I don't know.

Actually whenever I join a battle I seem like I'm the only one on my team who knows how to play.

Besides all that, great article! Almost knocked me over with this one!

 

 

 

[Podey_the_Buster 87]

How to quit losing - Quit

Agree with you totally.

[anuclearbomb 220]

 

 

 

1. Shut up

 

 

i like this advice, i shall spread it around for you ;)

[r_snowleopard0512030 66]

Poor Brass Knob :D  LMAO all the way through

[I.H.U.R.R.I.C.A.N.E 120]

Amen brother great article. Lately it seem like a lot of people are just not trying  the other day i had a D/L of 54 and i only died 2 times in the hole hour long battle.

[NoahYacoub2002 1]

WHY ARE YOU NOOBS ARE TYPING ABOUT THIS TOPIC!? YOUR TANK IS GETTING SHOT AT THE DAMN MOMENT DON,T U CARE ABOUT THE CRYSTALS? THE HECK!?

[tony990_Superstar 68]

I shall shut up :) but communication is vital every once in a while, not paragraphs but to say like say in a battle of 8 a leader should type:

 

"4 people on offense, 1 in midfield and 3 on defense capisci?"

 

But other than that, that's all you need to type lol

[Superlative 500]

Something tells me.... We have to meet Brass Knob.

[dfoofnik 341]

This would be funnier if I didn't end up playing with those Knobs. :wacko:

I like to raise my D/L by killing from a distance, but occasionally I will go "LE-ROY JOHNSON" on the enemy team,

...and sometimes they just quit after being killed repeatedly as they spawn...

Edited March 2, 2016 by dfoofnik