[Issue 48] Another Week in Tanki, Summarized

[sonofchrysalis3 3,719]

Hold onto your Hammers, tanker! Time in Tankionline is flying by like a Wasp that’s late for jury duty! Here to keep you up to speed is none other than me, loveable, furry old Stratus, and my unstoppable army of pencils. Let’s take ourselves a gander at the action-packed two weeks since last issue:

 

Lhamster’s reign as 3vil Dictator has been overthrown… by me!

 

Thursday saw the long-awaited end of The Hamster of Doom’s terrifying world domination, and yes, I am accepting thank-you gifts.

 

After nearly thirteen bazillion years in power, the Fuzzy Administrator met his end late on a cold, rainy evening when none other than yours truly laid siege to his nigh-impenetrable fortress atop Mount Squeak. No one else in history (well, except for Maddog21) has ever attempted such a daring frontal attack, for fear of being captured and tickled to death (which explains why said Dog21 has been so scarce as of late). I, however, having all to gain and none to lose, bravely fought back against the scores of hamster minions that poured cannonfire from the castle walls.

 

Mere minutes after I began the siege, Lhamster was wailing in agony. “I HAVEN’T EATEN IN FIFTEEN MINUTES!” He demanded that his minions break through my siege and go loot the local Walmart’s candy section, but they couldn’t pass my magic antihamster force field.

 

And so, after the shortest siege in history, Lhamster surrendered his throne to me and made a beeline for the nearest Chick-fil-A.

 

Stay tuned for more on this bombshell story when I take a break from playing on my new giant hamster wheel.

 

Night-Sisters to finish her Pathological series with “The Pathological Sneezer”

 

Does anyone have a Kleenex handy?

 

Tankiforum’s Sith legend Asajj Ventress will be closing the book on pathological stuff in the next issue, wherein she will pen a guide to getting others sick by sneezing upon them. Included in the guide will be a valuable set of resources to help the malicious tanker choose where and when to sneeze, as well as proper lack-of-sanitation techniques and substances to induce sneezing.

 

There are a few people to whom this news is not welcome. Newspaper Admin conanthedestroyer said, in an interview Monday,

 

"I think that this article by Night-Sisters is simply another one of the sneezing coalition’s attempts to suppress and hide the pathogenic power of coughing. I mean, honestly, there are at least eighty percent more people infected with athlete’s foot every year due to coughing than sneezing, and that’s something you never see in the mainstream media. There is an ongoing, focused effort to discredit those who wield their lungs as weapons and place an undeserved limelight over those who use their noses."

 

We will be bringing you more on this after, uh… eh… ACHOO!

 

Alternativa Platform to merge with the Hershey Company

 

Welcome, my Tanki comrades, to the era of the Tasty Tanker.

 

Tankionline and chocolate fans all across the galaxy were stunned by the announcement made by Hershey CEO John Bilbrey yesterday morning on Fox And Friends:

 

"We have been discussing this merger for a little while, Semyon and I, mostly ‘cause we were in Algebra class together back in college, and we got to thinking “Hey, wouldn’t it be much easier if we just mushed the companies into one? Like, how neat would that be?”

 

Critics have been quick to point out glaring problems with this move. For starters, there is absolutely no reason for a candy-making corporation to merge with a video game company. I mean, really, where did they get that idea? Mars?

 

Oh, gosh, that was a bad joke… my apologies to everytanki.

 

Has anyone seen Murphy anywhere?

 

To anyone who has, at any time, been in contact with Murphy, please call your local Missing Murphies Hotline as soon as possible. The man has now been missing for over a week, and his friends are worried about him. He is described as being a Hawaiian-born, Canadian-raised Irishman, about sixty seven years of age, three and a half feet tall, weighing roughly three hundred pounds, and he often carries a bicycle horn.

 

Er, wait, that’s Thekillerpenguin’s description… well, anyway, if you see him anywhere, be sure to tell him I said "hi."

 

Edited February 5, 2016 by Lhamster

[Zenyth 6,494]

LOL 

hilarious

[DragonOfStorms 2,706]

Hysterical. Absolutely hysterical.

[Lhamster 4,081]

Ummm... I don't live on Mount Squeak, that's my chicken addicted 2nd cousin....

Edited February 5, 2016 by Lhamster

[DragonOfStorms 2,706]

Ha. Nice try, sonofchrysalis3! You are trying to convince us that Lhamster is gone... We all know he is still here... Watching... Waiting...

[KillerGnat 3,135]

All hail the new dictator! Down with Lham, I didn't even like him anyways :P.

[lukey0 27,543]

:lol:  Nice. 

[Jwimmer 2,835]

Took me a sec to get that Mars joke

 

 

 

 

calling it a joke is a stretch though

Edited February 6, 2016 by Jwimmer

[Podey_the_Buster 87]

Ummm, the article is still trying to soak into my funny side. Can't wait to see tanki chocolates!

Especially Viking-Shaft.

 

[Bugs.meeny 1,013]

Lol. good article again crysalis

[zaintahir 458]

whats with the mars joke?

als,why don't u make an article: "viking vs hunter" or "mammoth vs titan" i wont mention wasp vs hornet because Night-sis and Phoenix_Warbird already did that

[Superlative 500]

Priceless. But I think you could do with some more pieces and also some "jokes" but don't ruin it too much.