Other [Issue 57] Why To Ignore Gold Box Hunting

[Flexoo 6,980]

 

 

How's life, Tankers and Tankeresses? Ehm, I grasp that it's quite presumptuous of me to start this kind of topic. Whoever has had the pleasure to play alongside my tank knows I have a long history with gold box fishing. I am an obsessed maniac who won't miss a chance to capture the golden beauty.

 

Perhaps you deem I am reasonably hypocritical (you got that right!). However, I feel an obligation to divulge the reasons why to ignore this habituating, life-threatening activity, coming from the first-hand expertise of a hopeless gold box hunter.

 

---

 

Pardon me for being so straightforward and skipping a more thoughtful intro, but I have to scrape up and bury the bits and pieces of my gold hunter dignity before sunrise. Anyways, human life-span is already way too short to be shortened even more by futile blather.

 

And thus, without any further procrastinating, you should not hunt for the gold boxes because;

 

 

You Will Most Likely Fail

 

POW, mind blown. You surely did not foresee that I would brandish an argument of such caliber this soon, but if the matter of fact that you will repeatedly ride your tank through the vale of tears doesn't convince you, then I don't know what will. The success rate is different with every player - however, you must face the unpalatable truth that most of your hunting efforts will misfire. Even the cream of Gold Hunting society can't brag about astounding statistics. I hate to show you the mirror, but this is how most of your attempts look like close-up:

 

 

Yeah! Embrace the truth. You'll fall flat after the first obstacle. Believe it or not, this is actually one of the better things that can happen to you, as it's far more acceptable to fail at the very start than waiting for the fiasco coming half a minute later after the siren. Isn't it utterly pointless to try and try, knowing you won't succeed 95% of the time? I am convinced it is, mkay?  

 

 

It Tends To End As An Embarrassing Moment

 

I really feel sorry for all of you who are unaware of all the circus happening when the gold box is to be delivered. That pandemic enthusiasm blinding sober judgment, chaotic driving around convoyed by ceaseless nudging and splendid chat prayers reinforcing the general mood. All this provides a breeding-ground for upcoming cringe-worthy and all-out awkward moments in battle.

 

 

Any spectator out there must be rolling on the floor laughing when he observes a pile of tankers grinding and lagging atop each other. About 30 secs later, the grandiose show concludes to a climax where one lucky fella touches the box, while 8 other failures kick the bucket flipped on their belly.

 

:unsure: 

 

Please, if you already reached around 10% of my current awkwardness, why do you fish for such situations? Instead, get your camera running, pounce on some popcorn and enjoy the online comedy named 'gold box hunting'.

 

 

It Diverts Your Attention

 

There are two flags in CTF: one you should defend and one you should capture. Tankers, why is it that you completely ignore them when the gold box falls? As I inscribed in my earlier point, the likelihood of failure is insanely high, so aim your sight on the battle objective. I don't know why should you give priority to a gold box over the Flag. It's obvious the only thing you will successfully capture in a gold box moment will be a fatal error.

 

It's a Rather Pricey Hobby

 

Whoever told you that chasing gold boxes will earn you loads of crystals is a very very bad (emphasis on bad) person.

I would do some math to prove my point - unfortunately, anything that requires addition, subtraction, multiplication or any other mathematical operation gives me a headache. However, put two and two together. The value of Double Armors, Repair Kits, and Speed Boosts must have already exceeded your crystal incomes from gold boxes. On top of that, you simply have to buy a shoe-like Dictator for this activity. Without Dictator you are:

 

a.) a bad Mult.

b.) a bad Gold Hunter.

 

To summarize it:

 

Q: Is gold box hunting profitable?

A: Nah.

 

Q: Will gold box hunting cover all the aforementioned expenses?

A: Nah.

 

Q: Will @TriNitroToIuene's D/L ratio ever reach 0.5?

A: Irrelevant, but nah. 

 

 

It Makes You Feel Under The Weather

 

'Magic mirror on the wall, who's the simplest one of all?'

 

You & me... because we still fall for the sweet candy lure knowing we will eventually hit on a sour core. C'mon! The general cussedness of things guarantees the first lager in sight will collect the coffer leaving salty sprinkles in your eyes. It's well-documented fact that the gold box is in 99.9% cases taken by either a lagger, mult, troll, or that guy with a D/L less than 0.1.

 

 

Do not even bother going for it. Just imagine the thrill of capturing the sweet 50,000 April fool's gold box annihilated by some lagging Dictator. Would you like to taste the bitterness of such moment? I bet you wouldn't by any means. Ergo, focus your attention on something more funny, meaningful and productive... like knitting.

 

 

You Will Be Extremely Confuzzled

 

After 8 hours of pretending you a have 'real student life' outside TO, you finally come back home and turn on this thing you shamelessly brand as your computer. Fatigued and literally spewed out from all the tiresome sitting around, you decide to relax and play few matches of your favorite online game. You click on one of the links leading to a seemingly interesting battle and then, after several minutes of careless destroying, a bizarre gold box siren alarms you. Delighted at first, you soon realize that the map you chose to play on has this many drop locations:

 

Source: GB drop locations.

 

Concerned about the painful reality that your gold box GPS system is once again not working properly, you hesitantly jump down to investigate another location, just to find out that the gold box was taken.

 

 

Fortunate for you, somehow another gold box notification appears on the screen. The spot is, understandably, located in the furthest corner of the map which nobody ever checks. Luckily, you and a few other guys discover it; but since you were first, you secure the best footing for jumping once the chest drops. You're impatiently waiting to make that decisive jump... but the gold box stuns you when it suddenly spawns directly on the ground.

 

:mellow: 

 

Confusion! Amok! Ragequit!

This chain reaction is eminent for gold box hunting.

 

 

It Triggers Undesirable Reactions

 

I don't want to terrify the general public, but there are rather disturbing reports coming from several witnesses of gold box situations saying that many failed gold box hunters were negatively affected for several days or even months when they faced the disappointment of gold box failure.

 

One tanker reportedly demolished a man-size portrait of Semyon, yelling the words 'Admin that gold box was mine!'' Another spiritually-broken individual cringed in the corner of his room, mumbling; 'DA, SB, RK, ..DA, SB, RK'. Ultimately, based on this trustworthy and definitely-not-fabricated information, I plead that you stay away from these life-endangering gold box situations!

 

---

 

And there you have it. I believe these seven justified reasons provide enough background for my point. Now, I must be going!

 

*Clicks on link to a gold box rain*

 

Edited July 20, 2017 by Hexed

[TTK_229 1,080]

You speak as though lots of people actually do this. Unless you are good at it like MLMCORE, don't waste time looking for golds.

[lukey0 27,543]

Nice article, but - but, Gold Hunting is life...

[Ninja 10,468]

Nice article, but - but, Gold Hunting is life...

I think we all know you. :p

[Pigeon-king 25]

The goldbox was mine!

[Viking4s 10,791]

All the reasons/points you laid out are valid, however we do it for sport.
And that's is a priceless reason.
 
The second reason to compete for gold is that they are so rare that it worth a shot. I can still cap a couple of flags later.
 
The last one: Who is not happy to watch a good melé of tanks ?
 

 

Edited October 12, 2016 by Viking4s

[shaurya471 313]

Will TNT's D/L ever reach 0.5..?
Savage

 

 

btw it has

[Regency 2,099]

nice :3

[Pigeon-king 25]

What is the meqning of life without gold?

[Quarks 2,255]

^having good spelling.

[ToHoYoNTaDa 1,147]

^Having bad spelling.

[MSI 1,926]

Interesting.. maybe I will start ignoring goldboxes now.

Edited November 9, 2016 by MSI

[Chill.Out 286]

Who have golds? :D

[Truthteller 4,204]

Trinito we are proud of you, you did it!

[r_I_already_won0 2,339]

This Gold Box is the solely reason why hundreds of campers log in Tanki every day. I wonder why the administration allowed you to publish such an article :lol:

You still think campers are noobs? Using shaft is very hard and requires the most skill (besides maybe railgun) of any turret at the high ranks.  And they can be vital to the team, given a balanced amount of snipers/attackers per team.

 

You are so arrogant, thinking that people who don't play like you are noobs. Campers/Snipers is one of the reasons you don't invest in Tanki? Seriously?

[A_Human_Pro 1]

At least you tried.  :)

[Lewis.Hamilton 1,110]

"a.) a bad Mult."

Do this means im bad at multing? So I am pro? Awww thx u :3 :D

[Magenta 5,165]

 

y, ALWAYS?