The Tanki Tribune: Edition 1

[pieface101 285]

The Tanki Tribune

Tanki's Finest News Source

 

 

Tanki Imposes New Laws On Mults

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Tanki - Anyone who has been in a battle with a person who just tries to make it difficult for the team knows the frustration a good mult can induce upon innocent tankers. After all, having no friends in the real world, mults satisfy themselves by causing others immense pain. However, the reign of terror that mults hang over us may soon be over!

 

"Yes, we developers have not turned a blind eye," explains a hassled Tanki Administrator, "After all, your safety is our primary concern. In an upcoming secret update, we plan to catch mults by surprise and send them to concentration camps by the thousands."

 

The Tanki Team has generously given us a sneak peek, so that we can tell you what to expect. "Remember, this is only a sneak peek, so all stats and numbers are bound to be changed by at least 500%," our spy reminds us, "As with all games, people assume the gameplay videos are accurate, but when the update actually comes out, the gameplay is completely different."

 

"Our plan to stop mults is much like the Pied Piper's way of ridding cities of rats," explains a developer, "Step one is to bait out the mults. Step two is to capture them and subject them to torture devices. Step three is to prevent mults from returning to Tanki. For the Pied Piper, he baited out the rats with music. Then he lead them away from the village and subjected the rats to torture, even though the story never mentioned it. To prevent rats from returning, he lead all the children away from the village."

 

The exact details have not been agreed upon for step one, but Administrators claim to have several ideas. "One possible way is to bait out the mults with crystals. One drawback is that innocent tankers may be baited out too, but a few sacrifices are necessary. The second drawback would be that we do not know how many crystals it takes to bait out 99.9% of mults (the other 20% isn't enough to do any real damage, interjects a Tanki Statistician), but we have an idea of how many crystals are necessary. Anywhere from one to a million crystals would be necessary, which is a much smaller range than we estimated originally. To solve this dilemma, we have our own undercover tanker who will try to live the life of a mult to get a sense from their point of view. Remember, if you have any complaints about a certain GoldRock, just keep in mind that he is working for us."

 

A second idea to bait out mults would be a Monte Carlo promotion. "According to a recent survey, 105% of tankers who claim to be mults also claim to have pushed someone off the side of the Monte Carlo map. If we announce a special event for Monte Carlo, like a special gold box, then we can capture everyone who attends. We remind all innocent tankers out there to not play on Monte Carlo for the next decade or so."

 

The hardest part about both ideas would be to continue into step two. "The thing is, there are thousands upon thousands of mults. In order to capture them all, we would need to close down multiple servers and undermine hundreds of lines of code. Quite frankly, to facilitate this procedure, we ask all tanks to cower in the garage until New Years. Anyone who disobeys and wanders over to the forums will be shot to death by our team of Railgun snipers (Shaft doesn't look cool enough)."

 

Although developers have not decided who to put on the team of Railguns yet, they assured us that they would figure it out before the majority of tankers died of old age. "Already, we are assembling the team," explains Cedric Debono, "and everything looks good. Not only will they shoot down stragglers, but they are an essential part of torture for the mults. A second device we will use is a prototype called 'lag'. It is still in development, but we believe that this is the most effective form of torture. Not even the most cool headed tank can handle having their FPS plummet. Of course, we have hundreds of unannounced forms of torture, such as having a gold box drop but only giving one crystal."

 

The developers quickly pointed out that the original idea to send mults to concentration camps was quickly scrapped. "We voted in favor for it, until we realized that we were based in Russia, not Nazi Germany. We didn't want to plagiarize Nazi Germany as we heard somewhere that it was an illegal offense and we did not want to get sued because we liked having lots of money. Of course, since we have a strict policy, we will be firing the man who suggested the idea, as it wasted lots of time on only one stage."

 

Developers repeatedly reminded us that they were working on all three stages at once. "Yes, stage one will probably be the first to be implemented into the game, but that doesn't mean we haven't come a long way on stage three," tweeted Tanki EN, "We already have made a new AI that will determine whether a player is a mult. Yes, the coding may be a little choppy, but that's why you can help us. We have released a new website called quickmult.com. It is a game called Quick, Mult! The point of the game is to teach the AI examples of multing. You will have twenty seconds to do an act of multing, and get the AI to correctly recognize the act."

 

When asked for more information, the Tanki Team was quick to decline. "We will be posting videos of each of the stages on our YouTube channel, though," they assured us, "We highly recommend all tankers out there to leave a like on the video and subscribe because we will be giving out crystals."

 

Seeing as the developers were busy and could not be bothered with any more interviews, but also because our overnight tents were not meant to be used for a week straight, we quickly retreated from the Tanki headquarters. We will keep you posted as more information comes in, although members of our team deemed this update favorably. "After all, it's finally an update that Tankers actually will like."

 

 

Pieface101,

Freelance writer for the Tanki Tribune

 

 

 

Ask Tanker

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Dear Tanker,

 

Should I buy the Graffiti paint for free?

 

Sincerely,

Anonymous Mult

 

P.S.

Plz don't let the admins come for me

 

 

 

 

Dear Anonymous Mult,

 

No, you should not buy the Graffiti paint for free because it looks bad.

 

Sincerely, Tanker

 

*Any questions for Ask Tanker, and any requests to join the Tanki Tribune should be written in the comments section below.

Edited December 21, 2016 by Hexed

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

Brief edits:

- Changed things like "step 1" to step one";
- Changed unnecessary capitals to lowercase (like "Step One" to "step one");

- Slight rewording (to make it read smoother, like I added the word "snipers" after "Railgun". No big deal, but it just makes it's a bit better);

- Set font to Verdana (as appose to the standard font);

 

 

In-depth feedback:

This is 100% my kind of article! I see you've taken the basic idea of the series "The Dictator". You even used its slogan: "Tanki's Finest News Source" (which is fine, but I suggest coming up with something original).

The spelling and grammar was basically perfect, so good job with that. And good job on not using crossthrough (this), because in my opinion, crossthrough is a meaningless and unfunny text begging for laughter.

I'd love to see more of this kinda' stuff, great work bud!

[pieface101 285]

I see you've taken the basic idea of the series "The Dictator". You even used its slogan: "Tanki's Finest News Source" (which is fine, but I suggest coming up with something original).

Oh. That was completely unintentional.  :blink:

 

:D

Edited December 19, 2016 by pieface101

[r_I_already_won0 2,339]

Ask Tanker: If somebody joins MonteCarlo with Hunter and Twins, do you think they be banned automatically?

 

Great article! :)