[Story] Immune (Prologue + Chapter 1

[Kuhaku 87]

Hello, I_Am_Unkown here and I'm going to be starting a story, hopefully of much more than just one or two articles. Each article will consist of about one or two chapters. I am planning to make this story about ten chapters long. So get started and comment below any tips or improvements that I should make! Another thing you could comment are ideas for the next chapters.

 

 

Prologue

My name is Jonathan. And I am writing to explain what has been happening during this plague that has struck our country.

When it first broke out, it was disastrous. It filled the Castle Ebro, killing everyone in it, and within a 20 kilometer radius, as it was quite crowded around the castle. Well, it killed everyone except for a handful, including me.

I was 16, living a farmer’s life. I helped a farmer who was among the kinder ones. But then the plague struck, and many died. The only ones that survived were the ones that were immune to the infestation. I still remember the day in which I escaped the plague.

 

Chapter 1

“Jonathan! If you want me to give you some bread today, then you better put your back into it.” I was helping a farmer pick weeds.

“Yes sir”. In a couple of hours my hands are burning, but then true to his word, he gives me a hearty meal.

“Jonathan, did you hear about the disease that struck the castle?”

“No sir. What happened?”

“Well, then I have some good news for you! The King has a sickness and maybe he’ll die. Then his daughter will rule and put an end to this corrupt government. Can you imagine it, no more paying overly priced taxes?”

 

“Wow!” This was great news. Every person outside the castle wall hated the current King. Everyone inside the castle walls loved the King. It was simple, the people outside the wall paid huge taxes that would go to the King, and then the King would give the money to the citizens of Ebro to keep them happy. Everyone knew that the King’s daughter, Hailey, wanted to help the peasants. She might be the only one inside the walls who actually knew, or I guess cared, about the hardships that we farmers faced. The citizens were quite ignorant. Either that or they didn’t really care about us. I considered the latter to be true.

Hailey was a girl at the age of 12. She constantly made hunting trips outside the walls, except that she came back to the castle empty handed. She always made a kill but gave them to the farmers who were especially poor. In addition to this, she also gave money to the orphans who were working with the farmers. I never accepted them, as others needed them much more than me. I only saw the princess once, when I was in the forest looking for some berries. Then suddenly I saw the princess and the hunting party galloping off. That was nearly 3 years ago.

“Sir, if the King does die, will you allow me to still help you pick the weeds?”

“Of course Jonathan, might have you run the whole farm in fact. With my growing age, I might retire from the farmer’s life quite soon.”

 

The next day I went into the village to buy some seeds for planting season. The farmer gave me the money and sent me to the Common to see if I could buy any cheap seeds. But among the clamor of voices I kept on hearing, “Did you hear, the King is dead!”

Wow! If this was true, maybe my life would indeed improve quite a bit! I asked the one of the men spreading the news, “Is it true? Is the King really dead?”

“Yes!” came the answer, “But not only that, but the queen and most of the nobles are dead as well! But the scary thing is that it was all from the plague, and it killed them all in less than a night. Nobody knows what happened to the princess. Hopefully she wasn’t killed, or one of the remaining nobleman might snatch the throne and make our lives even more miserable.”

 

Uh-oh. This might’ve been one of the best news and the worst news of my life. With nobody knowing where the princess was, the Kingdom would fall into corruption and disorder, and Ebro and its citizens would fall into another generation of horrible lives.

Not only that, what would become of the plague? Surely it wouldn’t spread beyond the walls. But if it did, what would become of us?

 

As quick as I could, I ran back to the Farmer’s house and told him all that I heard. He told me, “Hurry! Run into the castle and see if you gather any news on the princess. Enter the palace, but do not let anyone see you, else they might put you  in the dungeon. Once you think that you have gathered enough information, run to the River Ebro and wash yourself the best you can.”

His final instruction confused me. “Why do you want me to wash myself in the river?”

“So that if you happened to get infected with the plague, you might be able to rid yourself from it” It made sense, but the plague was indeed worrisome.

Edited March 25, 2017 by Kuhaku

[mydoom.exe 5,154]

Edits:
 
-Very minor grammatical edits, like adding and removing several commas.
-A little bit of rephrasing, like changing present tense to past tense to keep the story consistent.
 

 
Interesting story you have there. The idea is fresh, so it sounds original, which I like. However, you may want to ease off the dialogue a bit. The dialogue provides a nice description of the happenings at Ebro, but it sounds rather bland when you don't have any descriptions of the surroundings to supplement it. For example, when describing the village, you could add some adjectives for the reader to see. That would add more depth to the scenery.
 
My second and final suggestion would be to avoid overusing words and expressions. "Told" is okay, but try and mix it up, with "said" and others. As well, you don't have to just make dialogue bars without the characters "saying" the words. Ex.
 
"insert msg here"
 
"insert msg 2 here"
 
"orly?"
 
That can also get rather bland. Don't get me wrong, that format is good when used for quick conversations and quips, but for longer explanations, try to get the "x said, 'blahblahblah'" format in.
 
Oh yes, and avoid using too many exclamation marks. That makes fictional writing, especially in a darker mood sound cheesy. Try to use more words as "exclaimed", "shocked", etc. to show surprise or wonder.
 
 
Right, that does it from me, best of luck with your writing!

[Sr.I3oSS 2,546]

Brilliant piece :) I like the use of a of flashback... (prologue >> past). Pretty decent start to a story with a prologue. Nice and short.

I'm waiting for the next chapter.

[N221 597]

wow nice story very entertaining ;)

[Guest]

Waiting for Chapter -II, Sir. The plot was awesome.

[geoff580 0]

I think that the story should go like this.

 

 

The King and his daughter have a debate to find out who the people like more. The king starts off by saying,"I love taxing people and gaving it to the poor people which are the people I tax." Then his daughter replies, "That is a stupid idea. "Suddenly the king gets triggered and his head boils up."Believe me fokes, It's a great thing my daughter isn't in charge of the law," the king replies. Calmly the daughter replies, "Then you would be in jail."