Food wars: A Noodle of Hope: Chapter Two

[Pyre 3,485]

chapter two

 

 

            Aboard her Tantrum IV, the small but determined Princess Yorkie crept, hidden amidst the shadows, and aimed her soap blaster at a squad of Imperial bathtroopers. But unfortunately for the princess, she was in heat. Drawn to her scent, the troopers sniffed out her location before she could pull the trigger.

            "Set your blasters to 'water only,'" said their leader.

            The troopers fired. Stunned by the water bath, the princess fell almost six inches to the ground and was taken prisoner.

Down the hall, R2Pee2 tried in vain to reach an escape pod portal as crew members and Starvation Fighter rebels pee'd on him from every side.

            CPBO called to him over the passing bodies and lifted legs. "What are you doing? You're not allowed in there!"

            R2Pee2 pivoted, stopped and started, pivoted again, but the rush of rebels relieving themselves on him prevented his getting to the escape pod. He beeped angrily. He was used to regular wettings, but that was when things weren't so urgent. This time he was on a mission, and he had to get to that escape pod.

            In desperation, he squealed in the highest frequency pitch his programming allowed. The dogs began to howl and bark. Some of them lay on the ground and covered their ears as R2 made a dash for the escape pod before it was too late.

            "What are you doing?" repeated his counterpart. "You'll be deactivated!"

            R2 beeped.

            "Secret mission?" said CBPO. "What plan? What the Dalmatian are you talking about? I'm not getting in there!"

            An explosion shook the deck and CBPO reconsidered and ducked into the pod with R2. "I'm going to regret this more than that ‘How to Walk Like a Cool Chap’ software I let those technicians install in me."

            The pod engaged and blasted out of the ship. A crew member of the Imperial Hoover Cruiser caught sight of the pod in his viewing window but was told to hold his fire as no life forms, edible or otherwise, were on board.

            So the droids traveled unmolested toward their destination: a desert planet named Tartar Clean, and an old hound from a time long gone, when the world was not such a dark place, before the Alpha Empire had taken over the food supplies and replaced meat with fear.

 

***

 

Aboard the Hoover, Princess Yorkie was brought before Doberman Vader. Any dog would have cowered, or gone mad with barking, when face-to-face with the masked, black-robed canine, but Princess Yorkie did not so much as flinch, even when Vader's ridiculously bad breath put her on alert.

            "Doberman Vader. Only you could be so bold. The Inferior Senate won't sit for this, no matter how many treats you offer them, even if they're the bacon-flavored ones. We all know now that there was never any real bacon in them. And when the Senate hears you've attacked a diplomatic--"

            "Don't you have something better to do than traipse around the galaxy meddling in government affairs? Shouldn't princesses be busy shopping for stupid diamond collars or going to father-daughter dances?"

            "How dare you--"

            "WHERE ARE THE PLANS?" Vader barked.

            But Princess Yorkie was not about to yield. She was moderately trainable, but her sense of justice was too strong to allow her to bow before the dark lord.

            "I don't know what you're yapping about," she said to him. "I'm a member of the Inferior Senate on a famine-related mission to Alderwood." (Now, the full name of the princess' home planet, known for its fine grazing lands and high quality meat entrees, at least in times past, was Alderwood Smoked Pork Loin Garnished with Cut Cheese Served on a Bed of Tripe with a Chunky Bile Sauce and a Side of Oily Rank Anchovy Puree. But most dogs simply referred to the planet as "Alderwood.")

            Vader was losing his patience, which he did frequently. He was, in some ways, like a puppy who misbehaves because he does not get what he wants. "You're part of the Starvation Fighter Alliance and a traitor!" He turned to his attendants. "I hate her! Take her away!"

 

***

 

            Out of the princess' earshot, one of Vader's commanders said to him, "Chaining her up is dangerous. You know what images like that do to the public.” He shivered. “It could create sympathy for the rebellion. Much of the populace already suspects that the Empire is behind the dwindling meat supplies. This will only give them another reason to side with the rebels."

            "I don't care!" said Vader. "I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine! I'll win this stupid war. Dogs everywhere will bow before me and beg for the Empire’s vegetarian chow!" He lifted his leg and pee'd on a mouse droid. "Anyway, I smell spies on the princess. She will lead me to the stolen plans."

            "She'll allow herself to be put to sleep before she gives us the location of the rebel base."

            They were interrupted by another commander, who said to Vader, "We've sniffed every corner of the princess' ship, and there are no battle station plans on board. No transmissions were made either. An escape pod--" The commander stopped to assault a flea on his butt.

            "What about the escape pod?" demanded Lord Vader.

            The commander tried to answer, but his nose and teeth were pressed hard into his Shepherd fur. "Escape... pod...snort...was...snort...jetti--"

            "Sit!" shouted Vader.

            The commander rose in a flash and sat at attention. "Sorry, my lord. That thing’s been making circles around my tail since Tuesday."

            "The escape pod!" said Vader.

            "Right. The escape pod. It... it was jettisoned from the princess' ship during the fighting. No life forms were on board."

            The Doberman growled. "Stupid pod! She must have hidden the plans in it. Send an attachment down to fetch them. See to it personally, Commander." He lifted a back leg once again, but nothing came out.

“You’re dry, Sir,” said the commander.

"I know that!"

            "There's no need to shout."

            "Shut up!" Vader breathed on him and the commander growled.

            “Bad dog!” said Vader.

“I’ll go sit in time-out.”

            “Yeah, you do that.”

 

 

Chapter 1 can be found here:  http://en.tankiforum.com/index.php?showtopic=359125&do=findComment&comment=6351555

[Destrod 2,634]

Funny I see, approve I must.

 

-No grammar edits

The article is an excellent piece of well structured humour, and the plot is barking good! *Cough*

Looking forward to seeing the upcoming installments.

[Stratosphere 2,234]

Well structured and formatted, I like it! ;)

[mauneyblaster 18]

You did a great job on this. Cant wait for chapter 3 :)

[H.4.R.M 225]

You did a great job on this. Cant wait for chapter 3 :)

+

[Pyre 3,485]

Funny I see, approve I must.

 

-No grammar edits

The article is an excellent piece of well structured humour, and the plot is barking good! *Cough*

Looking forward to seeing the upcoming installments.

 

 

Well structured and formatted, I like it! ;)

 

 

You did a great job on this. Cant wait for chapter 3 :)

 

 

+

Fanks guys!

[Cancer 416]

amazing man