Arrival The roar of the massive turbines keeping the hovering fortress airborne was deafening, but Jake only heard it as a muffled moan through the metal walls of his tank. This was his first day of battle. He had graduated top of his class from the academy, but none of his training prepared him for the horror and agony of waiting. Waiting to be ejected from the hanger docks. Waiting to fall out of the airborne fortress to the battlefield below. Waiting to land and be ripped apart by gunfire moments later. Waiting. Sweat was building up under his heavy uniform, and his hands were shaking. He looked forward at the grey metal walls augmented by the green control panel. Jake hated being in a tank. "Still," Jake joked over the intercom. "It could be worse. Stan has claustrophobia." Jake heard a few nervous chuckles from his fellow tankmen, as well as a pitiful groan from Stan. Humor. That was how Jake coped with fear. Jake looked down and began checking his tank's systems in an attempt to divert his mind from the impending battle. "Intercom is functional. Nitro supplies are stocked." He went over the checklist in his mind. "Ammo is loaded. Weapons systems are—" A loud hiss interrupted his thoughts. Jake knew that "hiss" was the hydraulic floors opening out from under the tanks. The hissing stopped. Jake braced himself. But nothing happened. Jake tentatively released his grip on his chair, wondering why his tank wasn't falling. Then his head was jerked back and the Tank hurtled downwards. Jake's stomach lurched, and head banged on the back of the seat. Jake's hands turned white as he clenched the arms of his chair. Just when he thought that fall couldn't get any worse, an explosion sounded terrifyingly close to his tank. The anti-air cannons were trying to destroy the tanks before they even landed. A distorted scream pierced the intercom and followed by the sound of metal being ripped apart. Shrapnel pelted the side of Jake's tank. "Tank six is down," the commander informed in an impassive voice. "Tank six," Jake thought. That's Stan. Suddenly he had a pang of guilt for teasing his fellow tankman. Jake sat silently, listening to the air howl and the shells erupt. He heard a tank explode nearby "Tank 17 is down." Moments later another tank was torn apart. "Tank 3 is down." "It's only a matter of time," Jake thought. "Before I'm the one that's down." Then his head snapped forward and the tank shuddered around him. He heard gunfire echo outside, smothering the screams of fallen soldiers. He had arrived.

It's not so much the elements of your story which they don't like, but the way you get those elements across. The action is rather short, the suspense isn't built up, the mystery is shallow. Also tons of people on this forum have used a similar plot. With a little work, I think it could be a great story. :D

No replies? :( Even if you think it's bad at least let me know and give a suggestion or two. B)

Here's my entry... Darkness. Blinding fire. Darkness again. This was the largest battle that had ever been fought. And the most intense, too. The Casualties were high, and both sides had gone nearly broke buying crystals. But let me start at the beginning. It all started when Goldmode_on became bored with Tanki online. He left the game with one final challenge: his famous paint would be passed on to the clan who could defeat all the others in combat. At first it was a friendly battle, with both sides sharing jokes and bantering. But then druggers arose, and those who didn't have the drugs to spare started complaining. And from these complaints arose the hackers who proceded to ruin the whole thing. One clan, wrathful toward the increasing hacking, hired a deadly assassin to eliminate the hackers. Like literally kill them in real life. The other clans, refusing to allow themselves to be slaughtered, hired their own assassins, ninjas, robot armies and superhuman units to destroy the other players before they could so much as log onto Tanki. The casualties were high. Soon the government saw it as their duty to stop the increasing violence, but it ended up taking sides in the battle. Different nations sided with different clans. World War Three began. Meanwhile, far out in space, a shadowed creature sat in front of his computer, staring at the Tanki home page. He would wait until all the earthlings wiped each other out, before delivering the crushing blow! The Goldmode_on paint would be his! :o Tell me what you think! :)

Cool! I'll make sure to enter the code. P.S. This is my first post on the forum! B)