:angry: I hate it, I don't like it, and I'm against it for the following reasons: 1. I can't choose to play on the same team as my friends. What's the point of having friends now? 2. I can't check on the progress of my missions while in a battle. 3. I can't choose a battle where the players are close to my rank. Captains shouldn't be forced to play against Marshals. 4. I can't choose a small or a large battle. 5. I can't choose a lightly-loaded server where lag won't be such a problem. 6. I can't choose a map that I like. 7. If the wait time is too long, I can't change servers and find a battle that I can join immediately. 8. The "average wait time" is a lie. 9. When the test started, I had a "Continue" button and an "Exit" button, so if I got into a good battle and wanted to stay there, I could do so. Those have been taken away, so now, if I get into a good battle with skilled teammates, I can't stay with them. I get auto-kicked out of the battle at the end and back to the waiting queue again, and who knows what kind of teammates I'll get in my next battle? 10. The explanatory video is in Russian, and I don't speak Russian. You're going to lose a lot of players if you implement this change. Cke1st, aka Im-a-drugger, aka Chief-Night-Fury

How Can I Get Lots and Lots of Crystals? You'll see that question in the chat window at least once a night. Someone has run their in-game bank account dry, they need better gear and they're looking for shortcuts to making lots and lots of money in Tanki terms (i.e. crystals). Well, the only real shortcut is to buy crystals. If you do this, you will make the Tanki developers and other employees happy, but some people can't afford that, and others don't want the scorn that many players will heap on them. Being called a "Buyer!" is even worse than being called a "Noob!" to some tank drivers. But there are some principles you can follow to help you earn as many crystals as possible. Here are a few of them: 1. Focus on team games instead of death matches. In a DM, whoever kills another tank gets 10 XP's, and whoever has the most XP's at the end of the battle gets the most crystals from the battle fund. If you blaze away at an enemy in a DM, and then another player steals your kill, you get nothing. In team games, on the other hand, a kill is worth 15 XP's, and those XP's are divided according to who did the most damage. If you blaze away at an enemy in a TDM or CTF, and then another player steals your kill, you'll get 12 or 13 of the XP's and the other player will get 2 or 3. This means you'll get more crystals at the end, compared to what you'd get for the same amount of time and effort in a death match. 2. Focus on big games instead of small games. The battle fund goes up every time a tank blows up. Obviously, there are more tanks blowing up when 24 tanks are shooting each other than when just 2 tanks are shooting at each other. Your share of a big battle fund will always be larger than your share of a small battle fund, no matter what else happens. So try to join battles with many teammates and many opponents. Also be aware that a large battle has a higher chance of having a gold box fall. 3. Finish your daily missions, every day. The daily missions aren't that difficult; most of them can be finished off in less than an hour, especially if you can work on more than one in the same battle (like "Destroy enemies" and "Collect Repair Kit boxes"). The reward will be either supplies or crystals, and crystals is what you want. Don't hesitate to change a mission if none of your daily missions offers you crystals, but don't spend more on the changes than you'll earn from the mission! Also, be sure you finish at least one mission every day so you can finish the Daily Mission Chain every seven days. The payout here is pretty good, you can earn it once a week, and it comes with supplies as well. 4. Rank up! You get a nice crystal bonus when you advance in ranks. Maybe you're not in a hurry to gain ranks for some reason, but keep working toward that goal anyway, because the reward is a nice chunk of change in your Tanki bank account. 5. Be smart about Gold Boxes. You can make quite a bit of money when Gold Boxes fall from the sky; the first tank to touch them gets 1000 crystals (sometimes more during special holiday events). To catch the boxes reliably, you'll need luck and you'll need to develop some skills, but you can improve your chances by using the right hull. The best hulls for Gold Box hunting are Dictator (it's the tallest, so it can touch the falling box first) and Titan (it's the strongest, so you can push other tanks off the drop point). 6. Don't waste the money you've got. Earning all the crystals in Tanki won't do you any good if you spend them all on stuff you never use. If you buy one of everything, you'll quickly run out of money and you won't be able to afford the stuff you really want. You ought to have two good turrets (one short-range and one medium or long range), one or two good hulls (one fast one is enough; your second hull, if you get one, should be a medium or heavy hull), and one or two good protection packages. If you use a weapon that can damage you as well as your enemies, you definitely need protection against your own weapon! One paint is all you need, seeing how paints have very little impact on game play. As for micro-upgrades, if you aren't using M3 gear, then get the first MU (it's only ten crystals) and stop there. The more MU's you buy, the more they cost, and the less return you get on your investment. 7. Use Isida. If you want to earn as many XP's as possible, and thereby earn more crystals, the Isida is the most effective point-earning machine out there. You can earn points by healing your friends as well as by killing your enemies, and also earn the gratitude of your teammates. I once topped the scoreboard with my Isida even though I scored no kills all game long, and other Isida players can probably tell similar stories. The downside is that you won't score as many kills as you might with other turrets, and your D/L ratio will go down. If that's not something that you worry about, then heal away! 8. Buy a kit. Kits are great values; you save a big chunk of money compared to the items' usual price, you get stuff that isn't normally available at your rank, and you usually get a bunch of free supplies along with the war gear that you bought. It takes a long time to save up for most kits, but once you've got it, you won't have to spend anything else for quite a while, so you can save your crystals for later. 9. Avoid distractions. This one can be the hardest of all. If you're saving for your next big upgrade, and the game offers you a new hull at your own rank for 40% off, it can be very tempting to try it. Don't do it! You'll ruin your savings and your hopes for an upgrade. Decide what you want to buy, and then stick with your plan until it's done, or until you realize that you don't really want that stuff after all. So there you have them, Cke1st's rules guidelines for saving up crystals in a hurry. Do they work? I've never run out of money, so there must be something good about them. How about you? What are your secrets for maxing out your income?

The Drugger's Song (to the melody of "Juke Box Hero" by Foreigner) Hunter with a Rail, playing just so-so. Couldn't do a mission, he always scored too low. Saw the scores of the crowd, using Firebird and Freeze. Then he had him a thought, like a distant dream -- He pressed 1 through 5, just blew them away. Got flags, won the prize, and the very next day Bought a big ol' drug kit, from the on-line store. Didn't rotate his turret, but he knew for sure Dad's credit card put power in his hand. Didn't take long to understand Press 1 through 5 to raise your score. It's a one-way ticket, have to do it some more. So he started drugging, ain't never gonna stop. Gotta keep on drugging. The only way he'll get on top Is be a health box hero (he's using supplies). He's a health box hero! Just 1 through 5. Health box hero (one two, three-four five). Health box hero. He'll end your life tonight. In a Monte Carlo game, he was playing hard-core. Won his 109th battle, coming back for more. But his drugs didn't last, so he clicked and he came To his own garage, bought some drugs, then played. 'Cause he needs to keep a-drugging, he just can't stop. Gotta keep on drugging, the only way he'll stay on top Is be a health box hero (without one through five, he's a noob, just zero). It's not a surprise. Yeah, health box hero (drugs keep him alive). With that 1 through 5, you're gonna die, gonna die tonight. Yeah, he's gotta keep a-drugging, he just can't stop. Gotta keep on drugging, the only way he'll stay on top Is be a health box hero (with nitro and mines). He's a health box hero (he's using supplies). Just 1 through 5. Health box hero ("I'm not," he denies). Now he's just a health box hero. Health box hero, health box hero! He's a star in his mind, in his own mind.

(an actual quote from a battle) "I hate **** shafts!" "I just talked to them. They don't like you either."

Bad Tanki. Very bad Tanki. They're taking away the uniqueness of each hull, and messing up a game that, to me, was pretty well balanced already. Do not want. The only reason I can think of is that the devs have been drugging too much (and I don't mean double-damage boxes).

The time: about a month ago. The place: Brest. The situation: team death match. It was the usual Brest game, with Shafts and a Railgun parked on the tops of each base, sniping everyone in sight, especially each other. I was on the Red team, running around at high speed in my Firebird/Hornet combo, dodging blue targeting lasers and trying to get into the top level of the Blue base so I could do my patented fox-in-the-henhouse act (the Shafts hate me for that one). I was just entering the enemy base's lower level when the gold-box siren went off. I quickly popped the inevitable double-armor key and reversed course. I knew the gold would probably not fall inside the enemy base, so I had to find the drop zone out in the open... and fast. The teams on both sides were big, so there would be plenty of competition at the drop point. I usually have terrible luck with gold boxes; half the time, I don't even see them fall; but that doesn't stop me from trying. After about 20 frantic seconds, I found the zone, on one of the long bridges on the side of the map. I did a quick check all around me; to my amazement, there were no enemies nearby. But there was a Red teammate who had also found the drop zone, and he had a Viking hull. When a Hornet gets into a pushing contest with a Viking, the Hornet tends to lose. My heart fell. So did the gold box. My teammate parked himself firmly on the zone as the box floated down, and there was not one thing I could do about it. I charged him anyway, hoping that my momentum might push him aside, but it was a forlorn hope. And then... a miracle! A blue laser suddenly swung in our direction, and my teammate's tank vanished in a brilliant explosion. He'd been Shafted, barely half a second before the box touched him! He must have been absolutely furious, to have been robbed like that. But I wasn't furious, not even a little. I pounced before the Shaft could reload, and grabbed the box. It was the first gold box I'd caught in nearly a month, and it made me unspeakably happy. Then I scooted for cover. Why scoot for cover? Because I didn't want to get shot while I typed my encouraging message in the chat window: "That's the first time I've ever been glad that the other team brought Shafts to the battle." It was also the last time (so far), but it left me a thousand crystals richer, so I guess I shouldn't complain.

Narcus is derived from "narcotic." Aura is from an ancient word for "gold." Nova means "new." Smytus is from "smite us."

Who Are the Tanki Gods? With all the improbable events that happen on a daily basis in this game, it’s impossible for them all to be random occurrences. They must be caused by the Gods of Tanki, who look down on our game from their celestial temples in Kubinka, Aberdeen, Saumur, Bovington, and similar places. As a public service, I’ll name a few of the better-known Tanki gods, so you can better understand the power behind the oddities that go on in the course of a typical round of Tanki Online. Narcus: the god of druggers. All tankers who pop a supply box from their garages are worshiping Narcus, whether they know it or not. He is pleased with such offerings, and shows his favor by turning the most devoted drug addicts into unstoppable agents of destruction who just won’t die as they run up 21-0 killing sprees. Casual drug users never seem to reap this blessing; they get one or two extra kills when they use a supply, and then they die like all the rest. That is because Narcus knows who his true disciples are, and the wannabe’s don’t fool him for a moment. There is a price to pay for Narcus’ blessing – you will be called “drugger” wherever you go, and you will be hated by everyone else (except by fellow Narcus-worshipers). Once you start down the road that leads to Narcus’ temple, there is no turning back. Slowth: the evil god of lag. Slowth is the most hated of all the Tanki gods. He watches all the servers and battles across the world, and if any Tanki player displeases him for any reason, he punishes that player and everyone else in that player’s battle by slowing their connections down to a snail-like crawl. He is also responsible for the FPS red-zone failures that make your tank almost uncontrollable for minutes at a time. No mortal knows exactly what kinds of things displease him, and he cannot be moved by prayers or appeased by sacrifices. The only thing he respects is pure stubbornness; if you don’t quit, but keep playing in spite of his divine curse, he will eventually relent and let you play normally. For a while. Maybe. Aura: the goddess of gold boxes. This beautiful, white-robed, golden-haired deity decides when and where the wonderful boxes will fall. But don’t let her fair appearance fool you – she can be kind and generous one moment, capricious and chaotic the next, and remote and unreachable a minute after that. Sometimes, she seems to take a perverse delight in setting off mad scrambles that become more important than anything else in the game, even though a gold box won’t buy even a single micro-upgrade for a high-ranked player. At other times, she’ll drop a box in a remote corner, just to see how long it takes before someone finds it. Sometimes she honors the prayers of those who beg her for a gold box, and sometimes she pays them no attention. But anyone who asks for gold in the name of an admin will be coldly ignored. Aura is a goddess, not an admin, and everyone knows that admins don’t drop gold boxes. (You all know that, right?) Low-Key Loki: the god of bugs and glitches. This mischievous deity is the one to blame when tiny, irritating things go wrong within the game. Did you drive right through a double-damage box without picking it up? It’s Low-Key Loki’s fault. Did your weapon suddenly stop doing damage when it hits someone? It’s Low-Key messing with you again. Did your tank self-destruct for no apparent reason? Low-Key is laughing at you. Trying to appease him is a waste of time, because the only thing he cares about is making players tear their hair and scream at their computer. Tormenting us is a game to him, and he plays to win. Nova: the goddess of noobs. Did you ever wonder how noobs are able to survive the intense competition in this game? It’s because Nova is protecting them. She watches over all those benighted souls who turn the chat window into a dating site, refuse to turn their turrets, and bring a Shaft to an Arena deathmatch. She lures damaged tanks right in front of her subjects for easy kills, and distracts enemy Railguns to make them shoot at more worthy targets and leave her worshipers alone. She is not responsible for the large numbers of noobs in the game (they’re probably breeding in the sewers), but every time a noob flips himself or shoots a tank that’s already dead, it increases her power and influence. Thus, her power and influence are without limits. Crys: the goddess of buyers. If no one ever bought crystals, the developers would have to find other jobs, the servers would be turned off, and there would be no Tanki Online. But if people suspect a player of committing the unpardonable sin of buying crystals, they launch an immediate witch hunt. “Buyer!” they shout, as though this was worse than being a noob, a drugger, and a hacker all put together. Who gives the unfortunate crystal-buyer the strength to go on? He turns to Crys, who gives courage and tenacity in the face of persecution (and also gives double-crystal bonus cards). Crys is the consort of Narcus, because many buyers spend their crystals on drugs, so the two go together. Smytus: the god of admins. It is Smytus who gives his servants the power to administer warnings, bans, and blocks to the unfaithful and the heretics. He also gives admins the patience to endure the same question from thirty players a day (“No, I can’t give you a password for the test server!”) without losing their cool. It takes a special kind of person to take on the extra responsibility of an admin, with nothing in return except a special paint that doesn’t protect you against anything, so the admins lean hard on Smytus to keep them from going crazy. Smytus doesn’t require any special worship or sacrifices from his followers; the sacrifices in time and effort that most admins make anyway are enough for him. Phlippa: the goddess of parkour. It was Phlippa who first gave people the idea that a tank-battle game might be a suitable forum for jumping stunts. It is she who helps people know which weapons and hulls are the best to go flying with, and how to use mines to aid your take-off without taking you off the map for keeps. Even the noobs who flip themselves on the Massacre map are worshiping Phlippa, in a perverse sort of a way, because some of them begin to wonder, “What if I did that on purpose? How can I do a full turn and land on my tracks?” Such thoughts are the beginnings of true devotion to the goddess of parkour. Her motto is emblazoned on every battlefield that is dedicated to her service: “No kill.”

McSwaggerton72 Cke1st Two businessmen met for lunch. "I'll have an iced tea," the first one tells the waiter. "Me, too," agrees the second, "and make sure the glass is clean!" Five minutes later, the waiter comes back with a tray. "Two iced teas. Which one wanted the clean glass?"

Who Are the Tanki Gods? With all the improbable events that happen on a daily basis in this game, it’s impossible for them all to be random occurrences. They must be caused by the Gods of Tanki, who look down on our game from their celestial temples in Kubinka, Aberdeen, Saumur, Bovington, and similar places. As a public service, I’ll name a few of the better-known Tanki gods, so you can better understand the power behind the oddities that go on in the course of a typical round of Tanki Online. Narcus: the god of druggers. All tankers who pop a supply box from their garages are worshiping Narcus, whether they know it or not. He is pleased with such offerings, and shows his favor by turning the most devoted drug addicts into unstoppable agents of destruction who just won’t die as they run up 21-0 killing sprees. Casual drug users never seem to reap this blessing; they get one or two extra kills when they use a supply, and then they die like all the rest. That is because Narcus knows who his true disciples are, and the wannabe’s don’t fool him for a moment. There is a price to pay for Narcus’ blessing – you will be called “drugger” wherever you go, and you will be hated by everyone else (except by fellow Narcus-worshipers). Once you start down the road that leads to Narcus’ temple, there is no turning back. Slowth: the evil god of lag. Slowth is the most hated of all the Tanki gods. He watches all the servers and battles across the world, and if any Tanki player displeases him for any reason, he punishes that player and everyone else in that player’s battle by slowing their connections down to a snail-like crawl. He is also responsible for the FPS red-zone failures that make your tank almost uncontrollable for minutes at a time. No mortal knows exactly what kinds of things displease him, and he cannot be moved by prayers or appeased by sacrifices. The only thing he respects is pure stubbornness; if you don’t quit, but keep playing in spite of his divine curse, he will eventually relent and let you play normally. For a while. Maybe. Aura: the goddess of gold boxes. This beautiful, white-robed, golden-haired deity decides when and where the boxes will fall. But don’t let her fair appearance fool you – she can be kind and generous one moment, capricious and chaotic the next, and remote and unreachable a minute after that. Sometimes, she seems to take a perverse delight in setting off mad scrambles that become more important than anything else in the game, even though a gold box won’t buy even a single micro-upgrade for a high-ranked player. At other times, she’ll drop a box in a remote corner, just to see how long it takes before someone finds it. Sometimes she honors the prayers of those who beg her for a gold box, and sometimes she pays them no attention. But anyone who asks for gold in the name of an admin will be coldly ignored. Aura is a goddess, not an admin, and everyone knows that admins don’t drop gold boxes. (You all know that, right?) Low-Key Loki: the god of bugs and glitches. This mischievous deity is the one to blame when tiny, irritating things go wrong within the game. Did you drive right through a double-damage box without picking it up? It’s Low-Key Loki’s fault. Did your weapon suddenly stop doing damage when it hits someone? It’s Low-Key messing with you again. Did your tank self-destruct for no apparent reason? Low-Key is laughing at you. Trying to appease him is a waste of time, because the only thing he cares about is making players tear their hair and scream at their computer. Tormenting us is a game to him, and he plays to win. Nova: the goddess of noobs. Did you ever wonder how noobs are able to survive the intense competition in this game? It’s because Nova is protecting them. She watches over all those benighted souls who turn the chat window into a dating site, refuse to turn their turrets, and bring a Shaft to an Arena deathmatch. She lures damaged tanks right in front of her subjects for easy kills, and distracts enemy Railguns to make them shoot at more worthy targets and leave her worshipers alone. She is not responsible for the large numbers of noobs in the game (they’re probably breeding in the sewers), but every time a noob flips himself or shoots a tank that’s already dead, it increases her power and influence. Thus, her power and influence are without limits. Crys: the goddess of buyers. If no one ever bought crystals, the developers would have to find other jobs, the servers would be turned off, and there would be no Tanki Online. But if people suspect a player of committing the unpardonable sin of buying crystals, they launch an immediate witch hunt. “Buyer!” they shout, as though this was worse than being a noob, a drugger, and a hacker all put together. Who gives the unfortunate crystal-buyer the strength to go on? He turns to Crys, who gives courage and tenacity in the face of persecution (and also gives double-crystal bonus cards). Crys is the consort of Narcus, because many buyers spend their crystals on drugs, so the two go together. Smytus: the god of admins. It is Smytus who gives his servants the power to administer warnings, bans, and blocks to the unfaithful and the heretics. He also gives admins the patience to endure the same question from thirty players a day (“No, I can’t give you a password for the test server!”) without losing their cool. It takes a special kind of person to take on the extra responsibility of an admin, with nothing in return except a special paint that doesn’t protect you against anything, so the admins lean hard on Smytus to keep them from going crazy. Smytus doesn’t require any special worship or sacrifices from his followers; the sacrifices in time and effort that most admins make anyway are enough for him.

Okay, let’s cut to the chase. You don’t want to dig through hundreds of numbers on a chart. You just want to know, “Which paint will give me the best protection me against [some turret]?” Here are the answers, sorted by increasing protection value. I didn't include duplicate values. You can go to the charts to find out which other protections a particular paint offers. Smoky: Flora – 10% (Private; 500 crystals) Carbon – 20% (Sergeant-Major; 13,000 crystals) Hohloma – 22% (Major; 108,500 crystals) Savanna – 40% (Brigadier; 129,000 crystals) Needle – 48% (Field-Marshal; 210,000 crystals) Firebird: Marine – 10% (Private; 500 crystals) Storm – 20% (First Sergeant; 9000 crystals) Loam – 36% (Lt. Colonel; 102,500 crystals) Zeus – 50% (Generalissimo; 250,000 crystals) Twins: Swamp – 10% (Private; 500 crystals) Roger – 30% (WO 5; 42,500 crystals) Urban – 40% (Colonel; 115,000 crystals) Rock – 48% (Field-Marshal; 210,000 crystals) Railgun: Forester – 10% (Gefreiter; 500 crystals) Tundra – 30% (WO 4; 35,500 crystals) Digital – 35% (Captain; 79,500 crystals) Prodigi – 46% (Marshal; 192,500 crystals) Freeze: Lava – 15% (Master Corporal; 1500 crystals) Jaguar – 23% (WO2; 23,000 crystals) Python – 32% (3rd Lieutenant; 50,500 crystals) Inferno – 40% (Lt. General; 159,000 crystals) Thunder: Metallic – 15% (Corporal; 1000 crystals) Cedar – 32% (WO 5; 42,500 crystals) Emerald – 42% (Major General; 143,500 crystals) Shaft: Lead – 18% (Sergeant; 2000 crystals) Dirty – 26% (WO 1; 17,500 crystals) Winter – 38% (Lt. Colonel; 102,500 crystals) Jade – 45% (Lt. General; 159,000 crystals) Vulcan: Invader – 18% (Sergeant; 2000 crystals) Guerilla – 25% (WO 2; 23,000 crystals) Rhino – 30% (Lt. Colonel; 102,500 crystals) Hive – 33% (Lt. General; 159,000 crystals) Graffiti – 50% (Generalissimo; 250,000 crystals) Isida: Safari – 20% (Staff Sergeant; 3000 crystals) Alien – 24% (WO 1; 17,500 crystals) Electra – 30% (2nd Lieutenant; 59,500 crystals) Irbis – 42% (Major General; 143,500 crystals) Hammer: Magma – 20% (Staff Sergeant; 3000 crystals) Pixel – 30% (WO 3; 29,000 crystals) Atom – 35% (Colonel; 138,000 crystals) Tiger – 40% (General; 175,000 crystals) Ricochet: Dragon – 25% (Staff Sergeant; 3000 crystals) Desert – 28% (WO 2; 23,000 crystals) Spark – 33% (Captain; 79,500) Clay – 50% (Generalissimo; 250,000 crystals) Best Values: Storm costs 4000 less than Carbon and 6500 less than In Love, but gives 1% more total protection Desert costs the same as Jaguar and Guerilla, but gives 10% more total protection Roger costs the same as Fracture and Cedar, but gives 17% more total protection Spark and Digital cost 3000 less than Sandstone, but give 4% more total protection Tiger costs 35,000 less than Taiga, but gives the same total protection

They look great! Will there ever be any special missions for the vast majority of us who aren't Generalissimos yet? Maybe a special paint or something?

The only change I'd make at this time is for all the rewards to be crystals, instead of some of them being supplies. That way, if we want supplies, we can buy them with our newly-won crystals, and if we don't, we can save our money for gear and upgrades.

One thing that bothers me about the Vlog segment about the new Tanki is that they say they can achieve 40 fps in a 10v10 game. For me, that's bad news; my controls get sloppy below 50 fps and it's hard to aim properly. Will we have the option to keep playing on the old Tanki, or will we have to move up when the new Tanki is released?

It must be timing. When I started playing, I could create games and get no response at all, but now, I create a game for a mission and it's well populated within five minutes. Yesterday, I made a Silence DM for two missions at once, and two other players got into the map before I did. (I finished my missions and got my first gold box in months while I was there, so it was totally worth it.)