Classic Jokes and Riddles

[Contaminated 129]

Q: Why is an elephant big, grey and wrinkly?

A: Because if it was small, white and hard it would be an aspirin.

[Ranger7 75]

Whats the worst thing that can happen to you? Being contaminated by Contaminated :mrgreen:

[Crusader 198]

1.) A Chinese and Steven Spielberg were drunk in a bar. Spielberg suddenly slapped the Chinese..

 

Chinese: why?

 

Spielberg: Because you bombed Pearl Harbor! My father died there!

 

Chinese: But I am Chinese, not Japanese.

 

Spielberg: You fool! Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Taiwanese, you are all the same.

 

The Chines punched Spielberg.

 

Spielberg: Why did you do that?

 

Chinese: That's for sinking the Titanic.

 

Spielberg: But Titanic was sunk by an iceberg, stupid!

 

Chinese: Iceberg, carlsberg, spielberg, you are all the same!!

 

2.) Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A. Anyone can roast beef.

 

3.) A little kid asks his father, “Daddy, Is God a man or a woman?”

 

“Both son. God is both.”

 

After a while the kid comes again and asks, “Daddy, is God black or white?”

 

“Both son, both.”

 

The child returns a few minutes later and says, “Daddy, Is Michael Jackson a God?”

 

4.) A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

 

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mothers pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. they were both very much in favor of it.

 

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10%, for starters, explaning that even 10% was probably more pain the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and "kick it up a notch."

 

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing at this point, they decided to try for 50%. the husband continued to feel quite well.

 

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

 

The wife delivered a healthy baby boy with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mail man was dead on the porch.

[Vikingsrallentando 3,058]

How did the wasp the squash the mammoth, total madness 'ey?

Fell off the top in the map "madness".

wow..thats original..

[cablaz 32]

You know what your addicted to tanki when...

1) Calling people with high grade isidas

2) Calling the teacher marshal

3) Asking What M is your pencil?

[Contaminated 129]

You know what your addicted to tanki when...

1) Calling people with high grade isidas

2) Calling the teacher marshal

3) Asking What M is your pencil?

 

False, you know your addicted to tanki when:

1) When you hear viking, mammoth, wasp, thunder, you immediately think of the tanki weapon/tank instead of the real thing

2) Whenever you see someone playing a different video game, you always make references to tanki. (example: Someone is playing as the Hulk, you say "That's definitely mammoth, definitely mammoth.")

3) All you talk about is tanki tanki tanki!!

[cheesehead95 0]

there were 3 people in a plane , a lemon picker, a buisenessman, and a terrorists. the plane was going down from too much wait.

so the lemon picker dumps all his lemons over board, the buisenessman throws his luggage and his laptop over board and the terorrist afraid to die threw all his bombs overboard.

 

so there was this man walking in the morning , taking his morning stroll when he comes across alot of lemons laying on the ground and was like

morning stroller: "wtf what the heck happened"

he sees a kid crying on the ground. not at all sad for the poor kid he moves on

then he find a kid crying and he asks the kid whats wrong. the kid replis

"i got assaulted by a laptopand a suitcase"

so the stroller descides to call 911 and get him help

right when the stroller turns the corner he hears a Ka-BOOM

and then sees a kid laughin hysterically. so he asks whats the matter. and kid replies,

"My grandma was dancing when she farted and a house blew up"

O_O

[cheesehead95 0]

riddle:

a plane crshes bettween the US and Canada border,

where do u burry the survivors?

[Contaminated 129]

riddle:

a plane crshes bettween the US and Canada border,

where do u burry the survivors?

 

You don't bury survivors

[Fjelstad1678 186]

riddle:

a plane crshes bettween the US and Canada border,

where do u burry the survivors?

 

You don't bury survivors

+1 :mrgreen:

[cheesehead95 0]

riddle:

a plane crshes bettween the US and Canada border,

where do u burry the survivors?

 

You don't bury survivors

lol most people fall for tht

[r_sclam0 3]

Although maybe in Canada... Nea jk jk jk lol :P

[Guest Dutch-DEAN]

my tank ran out off fuel in the desert last year.

i survived, but had to walk to find people again.

after 1 day i ran out of water, and didn't see anybody yet.

then later in the evening, there was this guy yelling in the desert: "neckties, beautifull neckties for sale"

I said: "don't you have water for me"?

"no"he said, "but there is a bar at 10 km north, they have water"

Finally i made it to the bar.

When i went in, the doormen stopped me, i whispered: "water, give me some water plz"

He said: "you cant come in without a necktie, "

[cheesehead95 0]

Why is michael jackson and xbox alike?

 

a: little boys turn them on

[Valletta 834]

The riddle of the Sphinx:

Which animal walks on 4 legs in the morning, on 2 legs in the afternoon and on 3 legs in the evening?

...

think

[FederalBureauFBI 2,881]

You. :P

 

Something:

The person who creates it doesn't use it.

The person who uses it doesn't see it.

 

What is it? 8)

[r_DanTheTank0 0]

You know what your addicted to tanki when...

1) Calling people with high grade isidas

2) Calling the teacher marshal

3) Asking What M is your pencil?

 

False, you know your addicted to tanki when:

1) When you hear viking, mammoth, wasp, thunder, you immediately think of the tanki weapon/tank instead of the real thing

2) Whenever you see someone playing a different video game, you always make references to tanki. (example: Someone is playing as the Hulk, you say "That's definitely mammoth, definitely mammoth.")

3) All you talk about is tanki tanki tanki!!

 

I totally agree with number 1, sometimes wasps help me through the dullest of moments.

Number 2, I don't do that. Definitely don't do that.

Number 3? That is true for my friends, so I am forced to reply.

[r_DanTheTank0 0]

You. :P

 

Something:

The person who creates it doesn't use it.

The person who uses it doesn't see it.

 

What is it? 8)

 

Invisible man? :-)

But how do I know if he's real? :(

[FederalBureauFBI 2,881]

No, it's a thing/item, not a human/animal. :P

[cheesehead95 0]

god

[cheesehead95 0]

earth

[cheesehead95 0]

MY MOM XD

[cheesehead95 0]

this page ends here

[FederalBureauFBI 2,881]

You. :P

 

Something:

The person who creates it doesn't use it.

The person who uses it doesn't see it.

 

What is it? 8)

 

...

Edited December 10, 2012 by FederalBureauFBI

[Rottin 55]

Can we say dead baby jokes? They are my specialty, (and pickup lines. I wrote a book of pickup lines, some that work, and some that make you laugh)