Other [Issue 7] Predictions for 2013! - Part One

[skitee 555]

Here it is - the much anticipated light-hearted predictions for 2013 in Tanki!

Note: Please do not take any of these predictions seriously. If your name is mentioned in a detrimental light, it is for the sake of humour alone and not anything personal.

January

The weapon rebalance comes out, along with four new hulls. However, there is no refund on all the weapons and tanks in the garage. Panic and anger begin to rise up as M3 Shaft users complain about the fact that their 30,000 crystal weapon is now only slightly more effective than Smoky, and start a strike from Tanki. It doesn't work, as their addiction gets the better of themselves and after four minutes and thirty-two seconds they all rejoin the servers to attempt to show the power of shaft and get everyone to buy Shaft so everyone is equal again.

On top of that, Smoky is so powerful that anger boils over and Smoky becomes the new Isida and Smoky users are completely shunned from society. When it appears on FederalBureauFBI's banner code that he is using smoky, he is kicked from both Vengeance and the Consultant team. He complains that it was only for a smoky-wasp duel but nobody listens to his pleas. He ends up quitting Tanki at 11pm on January the 13^th. He returns at 3am on the 14^th, citing the fact that he was “doing a koolwalky” but that it “wasn't intentional”. He honestly said that “he had wanted to leave” but had felt that he had “missed Tanki too much” and “I have to return”. Allegations that dreams about MizARee that night had forced him to return are angrily rebuffed, but no evidence is provided which proves otherwise.

Also this month, the first competition by the new cybersport organising team is created. Nobody knows what it is all about. Suspicions are that Tightwad135, the new cybersport organiser, was drunk when he wrote it, and nobody can understand what he has written except for Bruce Lunga, who announces in a news blog that “working out what the competition is all about is part of the fun of this competition”. Suddenly, the community springs into life, trying to figure out what Tightwad123 was meaning when he created this competition. The most popular opinion in the community (started when splitterpoint noticed that the two words “voddkkka orrrniit” came next to each other in Rule 2.4.2) is that it is a competition to “post a picture of you playing tanki whilst being drunk”. This is the most popular opinion, with players from all over Tanki posting pictures of themselves drinking vodka. Entries fly in until wertweuri points out that if the contest is like that, it isn't cybersport. Competition entries subside, and splitterpoint pulls out of the forum in humiliation (for a day) until he has another idea.

Reading the words, found in Rule 3.1.2, he understands “artgni aslpto” to mean “vodka duel” and suspects that it is a dueling contest where competitors must be drunk to enter. He signs his name up, despite being the laughing stock of the community for suggesting such a thing on the competition discuss' thread. The majority view is that the article was not written by a drunk at all, but rather was a clever cover-up and the text was actually written in Telugu and anglicised. With all the people looking hard for a Telugu-speaking tankman, splitterpoint's suggestion is ignored, only to be brought up when three days later the results are announced and it turns out that he is the winner, for being the only person to have entered! (although the competition was actually a firebird-viking dueling contest)

Other news this month: The age limit for becoming a moderator is reduced to 13, after 470 applications the age limit is brought back up and nobody is accepted – everyone blames everyone else for spamming EddyBeGood's PM box with their application; New ranks are created on the forum, with a prize for 1000 posts being a blue name, 2000 being red, and 5000 being green. After one day which has a new record of 41,372 total posts on the forum and 491 tankmen being banned for flood, the ranks are scrapped.

February

One month late, everyone suddenly realises that Twins now is extremely overpowered, after it is used effectively by Alkline in a one-off clan war between the champions of the English and the Russian clan tournaments. For a week, Twins is the only weapon used in Tanki, until it is nerfed by the administration to what Alkline calls a “shadow of its old self”. A few loud complaints spring up around the community, but most are glad that their new speakers (bought after the old ones broke earlier in the week) will not be under immediate threat.

This month, the first map capture tournament is created for the English clans. It is unsure how the map was chosen, but the end result – that the English clans would be competing to capture the map “Valley” – is a highly unpopular choice and only three clans enter. The winners are Dragon Slayer, using their Firebirds to maximum effect in the close-range battleground of Valley, and they become the first English clan to own a map. After a detailed investigation, the new team committed to unveiling scandals in the English community (rumours that they are under the command of the reporting team, who have decided that their current approach of being a sensible news team is not popular among the community and now want to become a tabloid, are unfounded), led by kilaz, eventually find out that the decision to make the map Valley was a prank led by ShadowVisions and ShadowVisions is caused to resign in shame.

An English Tanki store is created. However, the only product on sale are “Wasp shoes”, shoes which are sold with wasps inside them. Even so, tankmen from all around the world do not actually read the description and buy the shoes in the dozen. There is a temporary outrage as tankmen all around the world get stung on their feet, but a trend is soon started when hogree uploads pictures of his feet covered with stings from the shoes. When husto uploads a picture where the amount of stings accumulative on both his feet reaches thirty-four, he is accused of cheating and wdani is sent by kilaz to go round to his house and ensure that husto does not have a wasp's nest in his back garden. After a long period where husto is forced to reveal his address, it becomes clear that he does, and as a result of the shame of cheating in such a disgusting way he is forced to resign from being a consultant.

Other news this month: Livestream DJs get an avatar – however, the avatar is highly unpopular among the DJs, especially considering the fact that Bruce speaking into a microphone whilst raising his arms and his shirt over his head is not the most beautiful picture of all time; a new chipmunk paint is added to tanki. Nobody knows why.

March

A new “Two man Triumph” cybersport contest comes out, a CTF two-team contest played in the map Fort Knox II. CompanionCube notices it is the same as a contest which he created for the Casual Collective two years ago, and claims copyright and sues Arya777, who created the tournament. After a long legal battle that lasts all of forty-three seconds, kilaz and his team (who have now also assumed the roles of Tanki judges and jury) decide that since CompanionCube did not apply for a patent when originally creating his contest, he cannot claim any damages as a result.

Also this month, a new creative contest comes out, the first for a number of months. Confusion reigns when it appears that the contest is a Christmas-themed contest, where Tankmen need to sing the best song they can. The song has to be linked to both Christmas and Tanki. Unsurprisingly, there are questions from the start about Bruce's timekeeping (always known to be slightly out, but never this far out) but which is all resolved when Bruce confirms that he does know that it is the 14^th of March but that this was the only idea for a contest he could think of. The winner of “The #1 Tanki Christmas single” is also a controversial decision, as chriswu takes the victory despite the fact that the only lyric in his song was “Tankimas”, repeated over and over again. SuperNick95, who had come second with his song, “Silent Fight” complains that it should have been the lyrics, not the tune, that was judged. Bruce and his judges (kilaz's team) reply by announcing that they had no responsibility to judge the competition by lyrical choice, and say that chriswu's “unique brand of repetition without being boring” won him the title.

On top of that, there is a sudden influx of moderators. FlyRope, TreacleTart, ArtIcicle, JanLoad, and InkTop all become moderators, all recommended by BarKode. On top of FlipSquad, BadDadd, and BarKode himself, there is a recurring trend seen by members of the community in that players with a capital at the start of their first syllable get accepted as moderators. Accounts such as NukeBomb, HichShir, RaphAel, and CooPer are created and apply for moderator, but to no avail. BarKode announces that those whom he recommended were actually his colleagues from his job (being a coal miner) and that they all had decided to have similar names in the capitalisation of their second syllable in that way.

Other news this month: The biggest Tanki wedding of all time is created; Firebird shoes are released into the shop as well, with burning sparrows provided inside each of the two shoes. The largest burns this month are on the feet of The_Ice_Dragon, but the rumour is that he had them tattooed on.

April

The amount of English clans hits 64, and to celebrate it the cybersport organisation team join up with the livestream DJs to create a new tournament which is compulsory for all clans to take part in. Being the new “capture the map” for the map “Canyon”, it is highly-anticipated, especially by the livestream DJs, who claim to have discovered how to get HD streaming on every feed. 63 clans enter. There is a huge hunt for the 64^th, with at one point a forty-five crystal reward being offered out by the new “reward-providing” committee, which is led by kilaz. The missing clan, understood to be called “The Chosen Ones”, is eventually found by Selena12121, who found them shirking around in the secret room in Pass. They are severely chastened by the new clan behavioural advisor team, led by kilaz, and permitted to avoid taking part in the tournament after Dare Devils split into two and the new daughter clan, “Dark Devils”, takes the 64^th position instead.

Also this month, there is a serious controversy about the amount of work that Consultants actually do. The moderators, reporters, cybersport organisers, kilaz's team and Livestream DJs join forces to conduct an investigation into how much work Consultants do. After realising that Consultants get paid to reply to 3 Private Messages a day (at a price of 750 crystals per PM replied to), the conurbation of staff members go on strike until Consultants are paid a total of 20 crystals per PM and a maximum of 1000 crystals a week. After a long stand-off between the Consultants and the other staff members, eventually a compromised is reached in which the Consultants are paid 21 crystals per PM replied to, with no maximum. This causes a scandal in the English community, with the normal community members realising that the staff get paid extortionate amounts of crystals in terms of comparison to how much a normal player could earn in a battle. The members of the English community then start a strike, demanding that all staff members have their pay halved. It doesn't succeed when three new maps are released and the players are too tempted to play the maps that they forget all about continuing their strike.

Three new guns are also released this month. Going by the name of “Snipe”, “Double”, and “Pounder”, tankmen are overjoyed with the increase in weaponry that is provided. Their enjoyment is shattered two days after the release, as an innocent-looking post from Ranger7 points out that the three weapons are identical in looks to railgun, twins and smoky before the 1.100.0 new graphics update. All of a sudden, anger breaks out as people see what Micky3 calls “Another sign of how little work the admins actually put into this game.” Hatred comes to the fore as tankmen fling down their new weapons and look upon them with disdain. For a short period, #destroysnipe trends on twitter in Russia. Eventually, new looks are provided to Snipe, Double and Pounder. There still is a lingering air of nostalgia about their similarity to the old weapons, however.

Other news this month: The latest pair of shoes to be released into the Tanki Online shop is a pair in tribute to Thunder. They make the sound of thunder each step which the wearer makes. Tommy60 is the winner this month, with a total of fourteen “old ladies scared”. He did, however, have to serve two weeks in a young persons' institute but he said that that “was worth it”; Separate English and Russian servers are introduced. The introduction brings raucous cheers from all over the community, except from the members of Try To Stop

May

After the success of Capture the Map: Canyon, a new Capture the Map is created for the English community this month, taking place in the brand new CTF mode in Camp. The centralized flags on the middle platforms are slightly controversial, especially when “The Mighty Midgets” break the record for the most flags captured in a clan war round, with 276 scored against “Kings of Riyadh”. Even so, the knockout competition is a big success, with The Mighty Midgets going on from their success to claim the complete conquest of the map.

New hulls are released, including the long-rumoured UFO hull, which causes a sensation when people realise it is now possible to get onto the roof of the building in Crash. A contest created by kilaz's parkour contest creating team is is started in which teams must race to get to the top of the building in Crash. It takes a week of constant participation for one team to eventually post the video of their success, using.... three mammoths and a hornet.

The other hulls released this month include the “hovercraft hull”, which, like the UFO, hovers above the ground but has far more stability than the UFO does, and “Falcon”, which is three times faster than wasp but has a tenth of the hp. The hovercraft hull fails to take off the ground (well it manages to take off, but that's the problem) when a complaint is raised about the fact that flags are unable to be taken with the hovercraft. This is resolved by Hovercraft losing it's floating ability, after which it becomes identical to Hunter in every way except price. Tankmen who bought Hovercraft demand their money in return. Hovercraft is eventually refunded, but only because “of a minor issue in regard to the fuel used in Hovercraft not being eco-friendly enough” and “going against the climate laws” of the European Union, which Russia is attempting to join.

Other news this month: “Mammoth shoes” are the latest acquisition to the Tanki Online store, with two mammoth tusks discovered in Siberia by Ksenia included in each purchase of the shoes – hotwheel is the champion this time around, managing to siphon out 2.4 gallons of blood using the tusks; kilaz is promoted to Moderator, Consultant, Reporter, and DJ administrator; Seventy-four new maps are released, although complaints about similarity between each of the new maps are rebuffed by the administration despite the title of each map being called “Moscow I”, “Moscow II”, and so on.

June

Sudden news breaks as people realise that Alternativa Editor has been bought by an unknown buyer! Rumours are flung all around the place, with the rumours of the new buyers range from the Russian Mafia to Microsoft, from Wal-Mart to Apple. FederalBureauFBI is convinced that the buyers are Vkontakte, the Russian social networking site, and he convinces all the yesmen of the forums to agree with him. On the contrary, his rival consultant, wertweuri, is absolutely positive, thanks to a skype group he was inadvertently added to by Bruce, that the buyer is the British supermarket firm Tesco. Once the purchase is complete, the new buyers refuse to announce who they are but do get Maxim and Bruce to announce to the Tanki Community that “the new buyers will do what is best for Tanki”.

The new buyers make some changes. kilaz and his map renaming team are forced to add a “grad” at a point in the name of every map. This causes a huge complaint among german players about the renaming of the map “Berlingrad”, but when complaints are raised the map is renamed to “Stalingrad”. Names such as “Industrialgrad zone” and “Silencegrad II” and “Fort KnoxGrad III” cause a loud outburst of laughter from some people around the community. A few other subtle changes are introduced as well. Billboards are removed because they are a “symbol of capitalism”; Che Guevara pictures are introduced all over the map as well on walls, with random sticks of Fort Knox II wall inserted into random points on each map just so that Che's picture can be seen – the reason given for this is to “honour such a great servant of the best form of government”; Shaft's description where it says that Shaft can make pizza is renamed so that shaft can now make borscht; All paints are given a red tinge; the skyboxes all become red with yellow stars dotting them. Axes and Reapers are also included in the skybox. Despite these updates, the identity of the new owners of Tanki remains unknown and none of the members of the community can get their head around who it could possibly be.

Despite the confusion from the new owners, the latest capture the map competition – this time being Atra – is introduced. When a glitch in the map is found by two unnamed members of Vengeance, they win all their games by convincing margins until the glitch is removed by the administration. In the final, they are crushed by “Always the Best”, whose leader, cheap_plastic_flower, attributes their victory to the fact that “We are the BEST. I for one agree that the BEST clan should ALWAYS win and in our case we are ALWAYS the best and so we should always WIN.”

Other news this month: The latest acquisition in the Tanki Online shop is a pair of shoes dedicated towards railguns. When accused on live Russian radio because of potentially causing anarchy as a result, the only reply which the new owners of Tanki say is “all the better”; A new “parkour prop” is introduced into Lost Temple, becoming the highest point in any map in Tanki as a result. The first person to parkour to the top is Raphael2, although there is a serious investigation by kilaz's team about whether any photoshop is involved. After three weeks, the entry is announced as legitimate, only for Raphael2, overcome with guilt, to admit to using Microsoft Paint to edit the image; Horses invade Tanki.

Next issue: The last six months of the year... what will happen?

Edited July 31, 2017 by Hexed

[RockandRide 12]

Awesome :D

[markoskerass2 1]

Good Job

[SuperNick95 5,312]

SuperNick95, who had come second with his song, “Silent Fight"

What the

 

Silent fight! Holy fight!

All is calm, all is bright,

Round one won by Nick, the almight(y)!

Holy tank, so tender and wild,

Sleep in heavenly peace!

Sleep in heavenly peace!

 

[FederalBureauFBI 2,881]

When it appears on FederalBureauFBI's banner code that he is using smoky, he is kicked from both Vengeance and the Consultant team. He complains that it was only for a smoky-wasp duel but nobody listens to his pleas. He ends up quitting Tanki at 11pm on January the 13^th. He returns at 3am on the 14^th

 

Nice :P

[drewdidthis 0]

LOVE this article

[r_kilaz0 10]

my name is kilaz and i approve of this article

[mkkmkk999 33]

LOL january is funny

[hogree 4,179]

Best article in the issue. GJ

[FaceOfEvil 5]

The new buyers make some changes. kilaz and his map renaming team are forced to add a “grad” at a point in the name of every map. This causes a huge complaint among german players about the renaming of the map “Berlingrad”, but when complaints are raised the map is renamed to “Stalingrad”. Names such as “Industrialgrad zone” and “Silencegrad II” and “Fort KnoxGrad III” cause a loud outburst of laughter from some people around the community. A few other subtle changes are introduced as well. Billboards are removed because they are a “symbol of capitalism”; Che Guevara pictures are introduced all over the map as well on walls, with random sticks of Fort Knox II wall inserted into random points on each map just so that Che's picture can be seen – the reason given for this is to “honour such a great servant of the best form of government”; Shaft's description where it says that Shaft can make pizza is renamed so that shaft can now make borscht; All paints are given a red tinge; the skyboxes all become red with yellow stars dotting them. Axes and Reapers are also included in the skybox. Despite these updates, the identity of the new owners of Tanki remains unknown and none of the members of the community can get their head around who it could possibly be.

 

Best communist related parodies ever seen.

[BoRn.To.Be.WiLd 29]

So funny :D

[Valletta 834]

June

Sudden news breaks as people realise that Alternativa Editor has been bought by an unknown buyer! Rumours are flung all around the place, with the rumours of the new buyers range from the Russian Mafia to Microsoft, from Wal-Mart to Apple. FederalBureauFBI is convinced that the buyers are Vkontakte, the Russian social networking site, and he convinces all the yesmen of the forums to agree with him. On the contrary, his rival consultant, wertweuri, is absolutely positive, thanks to a skype group he was inadvertently added to by Bruce, that the buyer is the British supermarket firm Tesco. Once the purchase is complete, the new buyers refuse to announce who they are but do get Maxim and Bruce to announce to the Tanki Community that “the new buyers will do what is best for Tanki”.

 

The new buyers make some changes. kilaz and his map renaming team are forced to add a “grad” at a point in the name of every map. This causes a huge complaint among german players about the renaming of the map “Berlingrad”, but when complaints are raised the map is renamed to “Stalingrad”. Names such as “Industrialgrad zone” and “Silencegrad II” and “Fort KnoxGrad III” cause a loud outburst of laughter from some people around the community. A few other subtle changes are introduced as well. Billboards are removed because they are a “symbol of capitalism”; Che Guevara pictures are introduced all over the map as well on walls, with random sticks of Fort Knox II wall inserted into random points on each map just so that Che's picture can be seen – the reason given for this is to “honour such a great servant of the best form of government”; Shaft's description where it says that Shaft can make pizza is renamed so that shaft can now make borscht; All paints are given a red tinge; the skyboxes all become red with yellow stars dotting them. Axes and Reapers are also included in the skybox. Despite these updates, the identity of the new owners of Tanki remains unknown and none of the members of the community can get their head around who it could possibly be.

This kept me laughing for a couple of hours :lol:

[r_reax5000 0]

tanki online prices I want to return the old example I want to return Railgun at 3700 now or tell my friends all Natzl about this trivia game failed tanki online tanki online game failed

[65536g 20]

but do get Maxim and Bruce to announce to the Tanki Community that “the new buyers will do what is best for Tanki”.

Right on the spot! :lol:

 

This causes a huge complaint among german players about the renaming of the map “Berlingrad”

 

Brilliant! I'm rolling on the floor, can't play today suddenly! :D

Edited December 27, 2012 by 65536g

[canucks1 11]

I realy hope all that comes true!!!!!

 

[cheap_plastic_flower 154]

In the final, they are crushed by “Always the Best”, whose leader, cheap_plastic_flower, attributes their victory to the fact that “We are the BEST. I for one agree that the BEST clan should ALWAYS win and in our case we are ALWAYS the best and so we should always WIN.”

LOL !!!

 

As always the facts speak for themselves. To even be mentioned in this fine "scandal sheet" is a great honor. In my opinion this is the best issue to date.

Outstanding work guys !! I would have used the word, GREAT, but I only use it when referring to myself.

[65536g 20]

I would have used the word, GREAT, but I only use it when referring to myself.

 

Wouldn't it look a trifle on a cheap side? :)

[Valletta 834]

BarKode works as a coal miner ROFL

[r_caleb7770 2]

Brilliant Post Skitee XD Ohhh my friend Raphael2 is in it ;)

[Valletta 834]

I wish I was in one of your stories, Skit... -_-

[skitee 555]

I wish I was in one of your stories, Skit... -_-

Must have forgotten you..... still six more months to write about you making a fool of yourself doing some awesome things.

[Raphael2 3,263]

On top of that, there is a sudden influx of moderators. FlyRope, TreacleTart, ArtIcicle, JanLoad, and InkTop all become moderators, all recommended by BarKode. On top of FlipSquad, BadDadd, and BarKode himself, there is a recurring trend seen by members of the community in that players with a capital at the start of their first syllable get accepted as moderators. Accounts such as NukeBomb, HichShir, RaphAel, and CooPer are created and apply for moderator, but to no avail. BarKode announces that those whom he recommended were actually his colleagues from his job (being a coal miner) and that they all had decided to have similar names in the capitalisation of their second syllable in that way.

----------------------------------------

 

A new “parkour prop” is introduced into Lost Temple, becoming the highest point in any map in Tanki as a result. The first person to parkour to the top is Raphael2, although there is a serious investigation by kilaz's team about whether any photoshop is involved. After three weeks, the entry is announced as legitimate, only for Raphael2, overcome with guilt, to admit to using Microsoft Paint to edit the image; Horses invade Tanki.

Thanks skit' ;)

[skitee 555]

Not a compliment. Feel insulted that I accused you of cheating and creating secondary accounts just for the sole purpose of becoming a moderator. It's an insult, not a compliment.

[Valletta 834]

Now I could only guess what you'd accuse me of in the prediction :D

[r_caleb7770 2]

Not a compliment. Feel insulted that I accused you of cheating and creating secondary accounts just for the sole purpose of becoming a moderator. It's an insult, not a compliment.

lol just see people on the servers or forum and use there names for your stories :P