Other [Issue 11] The 10 Commandments of Tanki

[GoldRock 6,165]

Ah, another day of parkour in Moon Silence. A Wasp/Ricochet shoots its way up the back wall of the map, landing with barely a scratch on his hull. He looks around, visually exploring his surroundings, and an idea pops into his head. Might as well jump onto the billboard while I’m up here, he decides. So he jumps, firing into the air to keep his balance, and neatly lands on top of the billboard. Perfect timing.

Suddenly, a wailing, klaxon sound resonates throughout the map. A blinding, brilliant light appears in the top corner of the sky box, and the Ricochet turns away, unable to keep his vision focused on the source of the light. A deep voice, seemingly emitting from the sky, booms “You have discovered the in-game location of the forever lost 10 Commandments of Tanki!”

The Ricochet, understandably puzzled, inquires “Forever lost? But I just found them…”
“Silence! These things are… erm… beyond you, oh puny Wasp!” the voice bellows back, annoyed. There is a pause…
“So... where are they, then?”
“We really must work on this lag thing, Bru… Shut up, he can hear us! Gimme the mic! Ahem *clears throat*, try refreshing the page. And use the search button next time.”

So the Ricochet refreshes the page, and a pop-up appears as he respawns, with text being revealed letter by letter: “The 10 Commandments of Tanki.” The Ricochet prepares himself for an interesting read…

1. Thou shall not use Twins!

Seriously, your keyboard will be ruined if you do. Everyone knows that the most effective way to use Twins is to place a brick onto your space bar, and recent research has know shown you could end up crushing it. The report suggested more and more laptops with crushed space bars will have to repaired, and so the keyboards will have to be replaced. The demand for keyboards could rocket, and keyboard prices could increase exponentially, having a severe knock-on effect on non-Tanki players.

At Tanki, we care about global technological markets. Therefore, we urge all players to cease using Twins from this moment onwards, for the preservation of skill and low keyboard prices.

2. Thou shall not attempt to catch gold boxes!

We have recently discovered that at least 1% of all players suffer from a sudden cardiac arrest upon witnessing a gold box fall from the sky. Luckily, no complaints have been lodged so far by those affected. However, we would like to urge all players to avoid taking or even seeing gold boxes.

As gold boxes fall randomly, from here on, Tanki passes all of the blame for such incidents onto its players; we have told you to avoid seeing them, so it’s your fault if you suffer from a sudden cardiac arrest. We will be rolling out ‘gold box sunglasses’ within the next few months, and these should make gold boxes invisible to the human eye.

3. Thou shall not attempt to decorate cupcakes when the aforementioned cupcakes have been placed on top of your monitor whilst you are playing Tanki!

Tried and tested. If you pick up the monitor weeks afterwards, you can still hear the sprinkles rattling around inside it.

4. Thou shall not use Dictator!

In a majority vote, the developers have concluded that the hull Dictator looks like an old shoe. As a wise reporter once said: “Driving a boot around on the battlefield is not cool.” Would you rather drive a tank or a shoe? Certain misguided people () believe that the tracks which stick out on either side of Dictator look like paws, when they are clearly incorrect.

As a result of this evidence, we have determined that Dictator should not be used, because otherwise the screens of Tanki players will begin to crack due to this ugly sight. Tanki feels it is our duty to warn you, the players, of possible dangers to your computers when playing. You have been warned.

5. Thou shall not try to use Railgun in the map Island!

“If you can camp on an island… and Camp’s a fairly big map… isn’t Island even bigger, then?”

No.

6. Thou shall not post ideas in the General section of the forum!



7. Thou shall not play Moon Silence!

Recently, there have been way too many of these battles. OK, so the parkour's pretty good, but not the gameplay. You can hardly drive a Wasp a few metres before flipping over, for starters. Also, we mustn't forget that this is Silence we're talking about here, and so its gameplay lives up to its name quite well.

We do not believe that Moon Silence is bad, we just think its terrible. We at Tanki only made this for some space day thing - if you actually like this map, what planet are you on?

8. Thou shall not try to play Tanki as a chicken!

"Fowl play discovered - you have been disconnected."

9. Thou shall not wear the paint 'In Love'!

Are you playing a 3D-action tank-destroying game or not?! This doesn't "shock the enemy", though it might succeed in making them laugh at you whilst they shoot you. Dark pink and pink is not a cool colour scheme, though certain players () are often seen charging into battles complete with the tiled heart pattern.

If you want a good paint, use Alien. It comes with its own tactic: "This paint was developed for making you enemies scared, when they see your tank. After that run away." What more could you want? Simply go into view of your enemies (at which point you'll have them terrified), and then run away! Of course, we forgot to mention that your enemies jump off the map in shock once you make your exit, and that's why it's such a great tactic. Works every time...

10. Thou shall not use a stupid nickname!





In a statement made the following day, Bruce, representing the developers, denied that they had ever caused such an event to take place, and rebuffed claims that he had "drunk too much vodka" at the time: "I never *hic* drink when I'm *hic* on the *hic* job!"

Edited July 31, 2017 by Hexed

[robbie56 2,403]

Nice job Gold! Made me laugh ;p

[Raphael2 3,263]

Nice job Gold! Made me laugh ;p

[skitee 555]

Epic! :3 But Number 9.... that's not true. It better not be.

[unholycloak5 1,814]

Nice job! :3

[frayan 0]

awesome made me burst out

[GoldRock 6,165]

Epic! :3 But Number 9.... that's not true. It better not be.

 

Of course it isn't. You can go on wearing In Love all you want, don't worry ;)

 

(EDIT) Thanks all!

Edited May 4, 2013 by GoldRock

[Meliora 1,652]

I use In Love, so what price do I pay? (But seriously it has good protection.)

[skitee 555]

I use In Love, so what price do I pay? (But seriously it has good protection.)

Wait, what protection does it have? I bought it without considering the protection, I still don't know what protection I am using whilst I have the paint affixed. :3 It's beautiful. Who cares about the protection?

[Hop1337 1]

I use In Love, so what price do I pay? (But seriously it has good protection.)

In every battle? I use alien to destroy noobs and destroying the one's "In love" :P

[Meliora 1,652]

Skitee I think it's 10% Freeze, 15% Isida and 5% Ricochet. Not sure about the way Freeze and Isida go.

[Amagi 1,728]

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE PROBS WITH DICTATOR!!!!! :angry: :angry: :angry: :angry:

 

Edited May 4, 2013 by Stinger911

[GoldRock 6,165]

Because it looks like a shoe. A very un-cool shoe :P

Edited May 4, 2013 by GoldRock

[hogree 4,179]

Epic article, best this issue (apart from mine of course ;) )

 

I found it hilarious.

[Z3RO_DiM3NSiON4L 82]

gold box sunglasses wow u guys are awesome!!!!!!!

[GoldRock 6,165]

Epic article, best this issue (apart from mine of course ;) )

 

I found it hilarious.

 

 

Thanks! That means a lot coming from you :)

Edited May 4, 2013 by r_SwagBoy110

[GoldRock 6,165]

And great pic, Swag!

[SpreadLoveNotHate 374]

 

4. Thou shall not use Dictator!

 

In a majority vote, the developers have concluded that the hull Dictator looks like an old shoe. As a wise reporter once said: “Driving a boot around on the battlefield is not cool.” Would you rather drive a tank or a shoe? Certain misguided people () believe that the tracks which stick out on either side of Dictator look like paws, when they are clearly incorrect.

 

Thank you for giving me a great ounce of fun. Now I have something to annoy hammy about :P

[GoldRock 6,165]

You are most welcome. Feel free to annoy that 3vil

:D

Edited May 4, 2013 by GoldRock

[mchen 162]

That was a good artcile, mostly funny and well written! :D

[r_TRUNKS2853450 14]

XDDD nice very nice

[r_The-Player20 313]

Good JOB!

[r_AdvocatusDiaboli0 861]

Love it

[Corruption13 15]

Well written and a good laugh :D

[GoldRock 6,165]

Thanks all! :)