Review [Issue 14] Behind the Breaking News: July

[GoldRock 6,165]

Important: Whilst you are reading this, I, the author of this article, will be somewhere in the heart of North India, which is not known for providing access to reliable Internet connection. Therefore, as I won't be back 'til the 17th August, do not expect me to be able to read or reply to your responses and feedback until then. Thanks! ~ GoldRock.



Welcome to my monthly review of all that has been going on in the Breaking News topic on the forum! This is the second in the series, and quite a bit longer - a lot more has been going on this month, and I'm here to put a twist on it!

- Do not take this article seriously; it is very difficult to do so anyway.
- Any apparent reference to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental and unintentional.

3rd July 2013 - Isida Discount!

So, the devs decided to introduce a 50% discount on Isida right after I'd bought Isida M2! 30,000 crystals down the drain! Obviously, it'd be illogical to warn player about discounts earlier, otherwise they might be able to save crystals and buy more for the discounts. You see, the devs realise that warning players about discounts earlier will mean they have to start thinking about how many crystals to save. This will inevitably involve some mathematical calculation, and this might give players a headache (or a heart attack, depending on how much energy a player needs to use to do maths). So the devs are being considerate here, guys!

Yes, the devs realise that they were about to fuel the already overpowering legion of vampires. So how can we combat this imminent threat? Well, Professor Mike K. K, who happens to be 999 years old, has performed some groundbreaking research, and has come up with a solution to combat these horrifying vampires:

"put garlic on ur tank only 999999 crys hhhhh"

Unfortunately, he had to post this revolutionary discovery through an alt account, as a lucrative operative from the North Italian mafia had blocked his main one... again. "he no see my genius hhhhh" responded Prof. Mike, when asked about the subject.

9th July 2013 - Viking and Hornet Discount!

And so soon after, the devs introduce another sale on two of the most popular hulls in the game. Hornet was clearly so overused that there needed to be a sale specific to it, in order to make it even more so. However, there's no denying that these sales received positive reactions overall, and so they are worthy of FBI's thumbs-up:

 

All my quotes are copyrighted, so next time ask before using them, just to avoid problems ;P

I wonder what that small print says? I have very poor eyesight, you see. I'm sure it's nothing important, anyway.

14 June 2013 - Level Designer Competition is over!

Well, the devs chose the winners in the end... Future, Abandoned Factory and Industrial, which were then implemented into the game as Future, Factory and Platform! Well, 'Abandoned Factory' was a bit of a mouthful, and we already have Industrial Zone and Zone, so 'Industrial' would sound just a tad unoriginal. In fact, these maps demonstrate a future platform for the game, showing off a virtual factory of new props.

You've just got to like those map names, 'specially due to the intended puns they can offer.

15 July 2013 - New FAQ on Livestream!

There's a new FAQ over at Livestream? Right, that's good...

Tssk, ambiguous title! You guys at Breaking News need to proofread more - I've proofread this article on your own work, you know *rolls eyes in patronising way*

16 July 2013 - Update 169: Friends List added!

Possibly one of the best updates of all time, the friends system was long anticipated by many. Before it was released to the public, it was supposedly tested with 40,000 friends on one account, to check the system can function with so many friends (reliable source for this fact = a lucrative North Italian mafia operative). Still, ratings were messed up for a bit, and so there were some really mad Generalissimos - that's never a good thing, these addicts loyal players are at the very core of Tanki's revenue close community!

In other cases, this update wasn't found to be so useful, as shown by these posts from the update topic:

 

Very nice only i dont have friends

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO00000

How to make friends here than

i dont have many friends :( but i hope that whean i do this will be usefull :rolleyes:

Ah, well. They'll find friends/stop shouting their heads off soon enough, I hope.

17 July 2013 - Bruce Lunga has resigned from his job!

I'm sure most of you know about Bruce having to step down from the position of Community Manager due to other important things in his life, leaving Semyon as our main CM now. He has done so much for the English community. I am sure that Semyon will be able to do a great job on his own, but Bruce's contributions won't be forgotten.

In his non-shared office with his now non-shared role, Semyon quietly celebrated the self-removal of his fiercest rival with an extra glass of vodka for company.

Sorry, I just couldn't resist adding that bit!

20 July 2013 - Masters of Parkour results are in!

So in first place, that lucrative North Ital... Whatever, you get the idea; it's SuperMario95 I've been referring to all along. An excellent entry, and more importantly, the staff's rep was saved. A staff mastermind directing some of his fellow peasants players to perform different stunts, as it should be!

21 July 2013 - New Tanki Online Wiki Page!

Behold, a well-organised English encyclopaedia on Tanki! Well, it's still in-development, and there aren't really any in-depth articles about gameplay and the like on there yet, but it's a great base to work on. Well, there are a series of changes about to hit Tanki in the foreseeable future, so brace yourselves! The developers appear to have got into the swing of things, with a variety of updates making progress. It's a shame this wiki isn't advanced enough to replace those well-paid Consultants... yet. Eheheheh.

22 July 2013 - Vote for your hull sale, and 24 July 2013 - Discount on Friday!

Now this was an interesting idea. Wasp and Mammy (the cool version of the name Mammoth) were neck and neck when the voting was ending, but it looks like some Wasp voters used cheat software to multi-vote more than other voters did, because they were knocked down to a fairly clear second after false votes were discounted, with Mammoth having 7% more voters in the end. But in an unusual act of kindness, the devs decided to give both Mammoth and Wasp a 50% discount, even though the votes gap between the two was distinguishable enough, and left Dictator trailing behind with a 25% discount. It is suspected that as both hulls are favoured by a certain Dutch Consultant, some fresh farm produce was again* sent at a hugely discounted fee to Perm, Russia, which may have influenced the devs' decision a little.

*See last month's article for previous allegations made against this notoriously corrupt mastermind.

And so, this month's review of the Breaking News is brought to a close. Thank you to the guys at Breaking News - I had a lot more to write about this time round! What did you like? What d'you think? Feel free to comment about any possible improvements, or to ask for clarification on parts of the article if needed!

[hogree 4,179]

Couldn't stop laughing at"put garlic on ur tank only 999999 crys hhhhh"

 

Awesooooome article. Hilarious.

[Lhamster 4,081]

Epic article. :lol:

[skitee 555]

Great article. :)

[I.Devastation 2,053]

Epic article. :lol:

^ I was rolling on the floor laughing at the first section xD

[Raphael2 3,263]

"In his non-shared office with his now non-shared role, Semyon quietly celebrated the self-removal of his fiercest rival with an extra glass of vodka for company."

 

haha! Poor Bruce

[TheLonelyEpic 212]

Hilarious, but I do really hope the Wiki replaces he consultants (sorry guys), so then FBI won't be swooping in to dissect our every post.  :lol:

[Lhamster 4,081]

Nah, we'll still need consultants to tell people to go to the wiki, as the poor noobs won't know about it or how to get there! :lol:

[r_wienerschnitzel0 25]

Great!

[TheLonelyEpic 212]

Nah, we'll still need consultants to tell people to go to the wiki, as the poor noobs won't know about it or how to get there! :lol:

:lol: Oh and BTW, when are microupgrades coming out?  :P

[CorvetteRacingLeMans 218]

"Put garlic on your tank only 99999 crys" is probably the best single statement ever made in the entire issue.

[anasgaul 0]

I HAVE A MANY FRIEND 132

[jonathanjoseph 71]

Great article!

[MusicJam19 737]

There's a new FAQ over at Livestream? Right, that's good...

 

Tssk, ambiguous title! You guys at Breaking News need to proofread more - I've proofread this article on your own work, you know *rolls eyes in patronising way*

Really? You have an ambiguous title too. The first time I saw the headline of this topic, I though that you would have interviewed us, as "behind the breaking news" would suggest. This topic should be called: Making fun of the breaking news

 

*rolls eyes in patronising way*

Edited August 23, 2013 by MusicJam19

[GoldRock 6,165]

Really? You have an ambiguous title too. The first time I saw the headline of this topic, I though that you would have interviewed us, as "behind the breaking news" would suggest. This topic should be called: Making fun of the breaking news

 

*rolls eyes in patronising way*

The entire title of this topic isn't ambiguous. When something is ambiguous, it can have two definite meanings (for example, "Kids Make Nutritious Snacks") when it's only meant to have one. "Behind the Breaking News: July" can only have one meaning (understanding the Breaking News of July, which is intentionally an ironic title for the series), since the creators of the Breaking News don't change every month last time I checked - don't forget the month at the end of the title, which cancels out the possible ambiguity :P

Edited August 24, 2013 by GoldRock

[MusicJam19 737]

Of course, the part where is says "July" isn't ambiguous, but "Behind the Breaking News" suggests something like "Behind the Scenes," which means the work and and stuff done out of the public's view.

Also "behind" does not mean "understanding."

[GoldRock 6,165]

Of course, the part where is says "July" isn't ambiguous, but "Behind the Breaking News" suggests something like "Behind the Scenes," which means the work and and stuff done out of the public's view.

Also "behind" does not mean "understanding."

Well, you have to look at the entire title, sorry. There's a reason I put the months there like that - I looked at the whole title when I called "New FAQ on Livestream" ambiguous :P In this case, 'behind' does mean something similar to 'understanding' - the two would be interchangeable in the title of this series. It's all about context, young padawan.

Edited August 24, 2013 by GoldRock

[MusicJam19 737]

I don't understand but now I cant be asked to argue :P

[Remaine 4,687]

I don't understand but now I cant be asked to argue :P

GoldRock wins. You have no argument don't you, Music?

[MusicJam19 737]

GoldRock wins. You have no argument don't you, Music?

Well..behind has no connection to understanding

[GoldRock 6,165]

Well..behind has no connection to understanding

It does in this sense. "Behind the Breaking News: July" and "Understanding the Breaking News: July" can both be interchanged, as the two phrases offer similar meanings.