Review [Issue 15] Behind the Breaking News: August

[GoldRock 6,165]

Welcome to my monthly review of all that has been going on in the Breaking News topic on the forum! This is the third in the series - quite a bit has been going on this month, and I'm here to put a twist on it! Just a note; this time round, parts of this article may be harder to understand for newer forum members, as the article sometimes refers to specific players.

- Do not take this article seriously; it is very difficult to do so anyway.
- Any apparent reference to any person, living or dead, is purely coincidental and unintentional.

2nd August 2013 - Pay crystals with mobile payments and get 25% bonus!

"pls i don't no hoow to pay crys i wantt 25% bnus pls pls pls say mee hoooww !!"

This is the thought that will have popped into all of your heads upon reading the title of this piece of news, I am sure. You must be feeling distressed, angry, confused. But don't worry, let me explain; the guys at Breaking New have made yet another mistake in their titles. They meant to say pay for crystals and get the 25% bonus, rather than having to pay crystals themselves.

"thx goldrock u save teh daay agaiin thx thx thx u ar thhe bstest thx thx u soooo clevr !! !"

It's OK, you're welcome guys *blushes modestly*

I already pointed out the ambiguity in one of their previous titles, "New FAQ on Livestream", in last month's article. A 'musical' member of the Breaking News team attempted to argue with that fact, defending his title, but as one wise reader interrupted:
 

GoldRock wins. You have no argument don't you, Music?

As a result, that particular member of the Breaking News team broke down into tears, and, sobbing before his computer screen, apologised for his stupidity in attempting to argue with a reporter about the use English (unfortunately, I can't find the quotes which prove this right now, but you all know I always tell the truth, right? *angelic smile*). Anyway, this second title error is clearly unacceptable, though luckily, I was here to help you through your confusion and horror.

8th August 2013 - You choose the discount on August 8!

And so, due to your votes, there was a 65% discount on Railgun. Of course, this means we're now all going to be skewered left, right, and centre. So, once again, I called on 999-year-old Professor Mike K. K. to give us some professional advice... and he commented:

"destroy those noob rails hhhh destroy them kk?"

Once again, we are saved by Professor Mike's quick wit and extraordinary intelligence, coupled with his thorough research techniques.

9 August 2013 - New Sub-section in the Forums!

And so, the 'Free Sport' section of the forum was created. Rumour has it that a 'Paid Sport' section will be making its way onto the forum soon, but those sorts of rumours generally originate from bad jokes (such as this one, come to think of it). Anyway, it was an instant success, and one user exclaimed "Hooray! It's free!" apologies for the bad jokes. I'll be a good sport and freely give up this bit now, I think.

14 August 2013 - New paints for staff members!

And guess what? They didn't involve a collage of Russian newspapers. The other staff paints clearly aren't in the same league as our Reporter paint; they're in a league above <_<

14 August 2013 - 50% Paints Discount!

If I hadn't been on holiday, I would've got In Love. You can't get much better than dark pink hearts on a light pink background <3

16 August 2013 - Mr Tanki Results are in!

We all know how the winner of the devs choice turned into a human Firebird. It's obvious; he drank a bottle of vodka beforehand. This meant his mouth was already burnt out when performing his entry. You know how Red Bull gives you wings? Well, in the same way, vodka lets you breathe fire.

Just don't try jumping off any buildings after a can of Red Bull.

As for the guy who came third, he seemed pretty tough; I wouldn't want to pick a fight with that particular Russian. Note to self: ask le 3vil hamster whether he throws heavy metal weights over his head in his spare time. If so, suggest to le 3vil hamster that he should start throwing the aforementioned heavy metal weights at a certain pig for target practice, terminating potential competition in the form of articles produced by that particular pig.

19 August 2013 - TOF Starts today!

Interestingly, I've discovered that the initials 'TOF' are written on the underside of my hull whilst wearing Reporter. So when I'm flipped over in a battle, I now act like an advertisement for the tournament. "Hey enemy player, you've just flipped me! Feel free to look up TOF, the initials on the underside of my hull, once you've done laughing at my humiliation!"

21 August 2013 - Voting for Miss Tanki Online!

Raphael got his sister to be in his video for this contest, which inevitably led to exclamations of...

Never knew Raphael2 was a girl!

Raph is a girl!

raphael2, i never imginne that u were girl!

Raphael2 sounded like a boy in his best of Railgun but in here totally different...

Also, some of a lizard's devoted fans headed over to the German community to vote for her there, too, effectively voting for her twice as the votes from both communities were added together. One fan went so far as to vow:

If lizerdgirl108 won't win this contest, then i won't play tanki for a day and won't eat any fruit for 2 days. ( But i can drink juice )

 

 

 

 

21 August 2013 - "Fiery" Discount this Friday!

Nice pun, but the discount caused a pressing issue for many of you, I'm sure. Get roasted by a fresh wave of Firebirds, or invest in a half-price paint? Well, Professor Mike K. K. is here to save the day yet again:

"wait for tanki rain to come then all fire go poof hhhhhh"

Unfortunately, this is the last time we'll hear from him, as he was recently assassinated by the forum mods. The whole business was planned by a secretive staff member, who identifies herself only as "Mlle S". RIP Professor Mike K. K, gone but not forgotten.

Your ideals live on, and shall continue to be upheld by a 99-year-old flea and a 56-year-old Dutch guy, don't worry.

22 August 2013 - FAQ Translated in Arabic!

Nice work, Mister_G! Shame they won't pay me to translate it into Gibberish.

23 August 2013 - Miss Tanki Online Results are in!

Not surprisingly, a certain lizard came second, though Miss Raphael narrowly missed out on a top 3 spot.

And so, this month's review of the Breaking News is brought to a close. Thank you to the guys at Breaking News, once again. What did you like? What d'you think? Feel free to comment about any possible improvements, or to ask for clarification on parts of the article if needed!

Edited July 31, 2017 by Hexed

[Lhamster 4,081]

Epic as usual!  :lol:

[GoldRock2 290]

Epic as usual!  :lol:

Thanks Lham, epic picture as usual  :P

[hogree 4,179]

Far better than all the humour contest entries! Well done GoldRock! :lol:

[MusicJam19 737]

The first part got a bit out of hand, and just remember: I can easily do the same to you, so please DONT make fun of me

 

Also it was crash who did that 25% mistake, he almost never does it anymore so it should be some featured article

[GoldRock2 290]

The first part got a bit out of hand, and just remember: I can easily do the same to you, so please DONT make fun of me

Ah... It wasn't intended to be offensive; if you read the first part, it warns you not to take anything seriously, and I was actually "making fun" of myself during the first part more than you for admitting I had no evidence... :/ Sorry if you did find it offensive, though this wasn't picked up on by any of the other reporters.

[TheLonelyEpic 212]

Epic as usual!  :lol:

Says it all. I definitely want Robbie to replace Prof. Mike, though.

[Ilia.ArchangeI 6,785]

Awesome! Love it!

[Eragon 13,876]

good job

[q456wert 18]

Epic! :lol:

[I-Iero 823]

niceish

[robbiealdo 373]

Says it all. I definitely want Robbie to replace Prof. Mike, though.

lul

[r_DD6670 13]

Wise reader; liek a boss. I love being the one that points out when someone has no argument.

Edited September 1, 2013 by r_DD6670

[r_Che_eSe0 0]

If lizerdgirl108 won't win this contest, then i won't play tanki for a day and won't eat any fruit for 2 days. ( But i can drink juice )

lolololololol

 

 the 99 year old flea is flea99

[JVdragobomba 97]

raphael2 is Girl !? O_O

[Beerme 106]

You will be sorely missed goldrock :(

[aojsd 144]

Hilarious as always, it will be sad that we will no longer be seeing official articles from you anymore Goldrock :(

[georgec6101-II 0]

You will be sorely missed goldrock :(

is he leaving?!!!!!!!!!!!! :o :huh: :o :huh: :o :(

[georgec6101-II 0]

was it because of the cartazz thing?!
:o :o :o :o :o

:angry: CARTAZZZZZZ!!!!!

[meronnatu 151]

You will be sorely missed goldrock :(