Other [Issue 26] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - August

[GoldRock 6,165]

Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests... anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. But what about all the stuff which happened this month which you may not know about? Well, here's a summary of this month's more exciting events, which may or may not have actually happened. But that's a different matter altogether. Enjoy!

And this time, I'd like to welcome Mr. Hog to the (previously one-man) team of 'The Dictator'! Let's hope his pieces are as good as mine :P Hog: Do feel free to say who's the best. *wink wink*

 

Investigation confirms that double funds are "twice as good when they last twice as long".
By @GoldRock

Some of Tanki's leading experts have congregated recently to discuss this pressing issue, and it seems they have reached a conclusion. As one spokesperson for the group, Prof. ShadeWarTee, stated: "Double funds are twice as good when they last for twice as long. In this case, they lasted for 48 hours instead of just 24, which meant that players had two days instead of one on which to take advantage of these increased funds. Therefore, after employing the services of top mathematiciaians to analyse the meaning of 'twice', and after debating the philosophical significance of words such as 'good', we finally came to the conclusion that double funds are twice as good when they last twice as long."

This suspicion, which started when Mr. Simone Keerove pointed out that the development was offering "double the usual promotion" when double battle funds for 48 hours took place, has finally been confirmed. In the process, huge intellectual leaps forward such as determining what the 'usual promotion' is ("24-hour double battle funds", explained a wise 99-year-old Prof. Flea), and discovering that 'double' means pretty much the same thing as 'twice'.

As one observer put it: "I have not yet lost hope in the Tanki playerbase. We will no doubt continue to strive forward, and to further our pursuit of knowledge." The development is expected to release a statement praising the initiative shown by the team of experts who reached this conclusion, and who clearly deserve the widespread critical acclaim that they have subsequently received.
Wild rumours spread after the yearly August weddings and celebrations 'take off like a Wasp Firework Display'.
By @hogree

It would be fair to say that things do generally tend to go a bit over-the-top during the month of August. After all, as the summer holidays close out, there seems good reason to take things to that extra level before sanity has to kick in again. But, although players normally do lose their nuggets slightly during August, this year took everything to a whole different level.

 

Proof of this was all too evident when the impromptu wedding of Phoenix-Warbird and JJ410, organised by their ever-loving friends, broke out into riot after the groom refused to turn up. Although we could not get to speak with JJ due to his speech at the beginning of August "As a moderator, I prefer not to associate with the plebs", his agent was heard to state that he was busy eating pancakes and did not want to be disturbed by menial matters such as weddings. His appointment as moderator has raised a few eyebrows among many of the community members although the majority of the reactions were quite simple ok. All in all, the wedding riots did very small levels of damage although rumours that the fireworks display was scared away to Jupiter by Firingsniper's face did appear in news reports after.

Weddings weren't the only events to spark rumours like wildfire during the month. A number of Indian tankers met up to celebrate the Indian Independence Day in quite an innocent way - creating the Indian National Flag with their tanks on Stadium. Although those involved claim that was all that their meeting was for, rumours flew around that they were planning a rebellion against the Russians and theories arose that the Orange, Green and White Colours on their flag symbolled their means of attack - Fire, Tear Gas and... Milk? All the same, some Russians were heard to have taken the rumours seriously, and gossip went viral, one particular source suggesting that during that same night Putin was contacted about the issue, invaded India, and retreated out all in the space of 6 hours. This is yet to be confirmed.
Officials detail the possible introduction of 'speeding tickets' as free MU speed-ups make their debut.
By @GoldRock

Recently, there have been reports that players 'sped up' too much on September 1st. Apparently, the moderation department have been unhappy with the connotations of this latest discount. These connotations are alleged to have included the fact that the word 'free' implies that players didn't have to pay for their actions, and that 'speeding' was encouraged throughout the day of the discount. As a result, widespread discussion has been provoked.

The FBI later released an official statement to expand on this: "If players are going to continue to speed up, like we saw a few days ago, then there needs to be some sort of order. We must retain control over the situation, and punish all perpetrators accordingly. This includes through the introduction of 'speeding tickets', if we deem this action necessary." Apparently, these 'speeding tickets' would consist of 27-year-long bans if the MU speed-up function is used, which would only be removed for a fee paid directly into an account called "Don'tCallMeFBI". Understandably, this suggestion has been met with strong disagreement from players.

The development later released a statement, outlining their stance on the matter: "Whilst we care about the safety and security of our playerbase, we'd rather such a feature is still available to use for our dedicated sources of reve.. erm, we mean, the players. Henceforth, we will be setting a Tanki speed limit of infinity, meaning that no player will be forced to commit any illegal action." Rumours that a few well-versed Reporters coincidentally accepted payments from aspiring speed-hackers in return for 'law services' just after this statement was made are currently unconfirmed.
Enemies outside the battlefield? Rumours circulate of invader tanks penetrating the desert mist of Iran...
By @hogree

Iran has always been one of the most popular maps in Tanki and reports claim that players aren't the only tanks who are attracted to it. Some players claim to have spotted "faint silhouettes lurking in the mist" over the last month, with one nervous young witness stuttering out, "it raced to the edge of the-the map and it was so fast and I couldn't move and i was so so so scared, oh great semyon, i am never ever ever going b-ack, no neveer, its dangerous.." Many others affirmed his claims, but in slightly more macho ways including Tsdd200, the spokesman of the new clan Knock Out who claimed "We saw one and we knocked it out mate. It ain't rocket science."

 

All the same, developers are worried at these claims. Suspicions that World of Tanks may be threatening an invasion into the Tanki playerbase are rising, with some even claiming the "big fast ok" speed of the invaders could threaten to resurrect the speed-hacking crisis of 2012. The developers and staff have made known their keenness to avoid this danger, with one admin speaking directly to 'The Dictator' and stating that "the invaders stand no chance against our 178 nuclear bombs." Minor worries of Iran surviving the bomb attacks and the effect of the nuclear fall-out have been played down with the admin keen to assert "the bombs aren't actually nuclear, they're just called nuclear because that's a nice name. And they don't really explode because that would be dangerous, they're actually bubbles so we can make sure we don't damage our beautiful map." Most players were relieved at the news that the invaders would be taken out in a safe way, although on an online poll, 0.01% of players answered "doubtful" of the ability of bubbles to take out invading tanks.

 

EDIT: Recent rumours have just broken out around the community that the developers claim their next action will take place when Bluelight1209 reaches 16,000 posts. Evacuation of Iran has already begun.
An in-depth review of "The Art of Writing" - what Lord Harel kept secret.
By @GoldRock

A topical newspaper article, informing players of how to write, has just been released in this issue. However, at exactly the same time, a player going by the mysterious username of "IAmNotGoldRockInDisguise" decided to send in an open letter of feedback to us here at 'The Dictator' about that very same article. And after reading it, I decided it would be only fair to publish what this eloquent yet humble stranger has written. So, here goes:

Dear GoldPro,

I am writing to inform you that I think Lord Harel's article detailing the Art of Writing is extraordinarily poor. It seems he has purposely hidden the truth from readers. Now, let me explain why I think this.

- He has not instructed the reader on how to record his/her writings. A proper guide on this Art would inform the reader of the intricacies of putting a pen in one's hand, or maybe the subtleties of lifting one's fingers the type a word through a keyboard. How can one master this Art without achieving the enlightenment which accompanies the method of writing itself?

- Furthermore, he has not allowed us to follow the spiritual journey of communication. What is it that we want to write? A letter, word, sentence, paragraph, page? For what purpose? It seems that Lord Harel has been unfortunately ignorant to this very significant aspect. For example, his guide would not help me to understand the Art of letter-writing, now would it help for the Art of writing a guide (as he did himself). Instead, he insists upon focussing on 'stories'. Why would this respectable fellow wish to write about something which doesn't even exist?

In summary, I think you would have done a much better job had you attempted to write the same guide. Lord Harel's is simply missing the essence of the Art, probably because he no longer wears a Cape. How can you bestow such a sacred Art without wearing a Cape?

Yours sincerely,

IAmNotGoldRockInDisguise.

Tempers rise and physical warfare 'looms on the horizon' in what experts believe could be the biggest civil war since Tanki's launch.
By @hogree

World War One was big. World War Two was bigger. "So what?" reports claim. "This is the biggest." The so-called "XP Revolution", played down for so long, has finally been sparked into life, with Magazine "Server 1 Banter" claiming that the revolution will be "MAHUSIVE". With the XP mode growing and growing on the first server of Tanki, the Rebels finally claim they have reached Domination in the entirety of the server. 1500 Rebels, all equipped with Railgun-Hornets, have grouped together in Courage, a figure so large it almost exceeds the amount of pictures Jokersus Cava has uploaded on Real Photo. Preparations have already begun for a large-scale attack on all the XP Sabotagers ever to grace the battlefield, which experts suggest could damage the use of Prodigi for over 5 years.

 

Experts investigating the crisis have summed up the situation as "bemusing and yet horrific" as a number of extreme rebels, now known as the "big-rebels", have decided to go further than XP Sabotagers and now believe that all other weapons apart from Railgun should be exterminated. To encourage the cause, all the participants of the ongoing "Solo XP Elite" tournament were rumoured to have put all weapons except Railgun in their own garage burnt on the mound in the centre of Courage. Apparently, some sacrificed more than others, with Aklism's full M3-Garage's burning causing large amounts of laug... erm sulphur dioxide to enter the air. On the other hand, @domxxe65 was heard to have 'recruited' some equipment from friends as his addition to the pile was understandably small..

 

President of the "Keep all Weapons" Committee, Lhamster, has talked to us personally at The Dictator  and spoke of his opinion on the situation. "As long as they don't touch my garage, I'm cool." he said. "I just spent 1,000,000 crystals on my M3 Titan's MU's mate, I'm not letting them take nothing from that. That was nearly a month's worth of saving!" When asked on public news reporting what action his commitee was planning to take against these "big-rebels", however, he merely smirked. "I've got a plan. Involves taking over the world."  Rumours since the publication of the latter interview are that all the big-rebels have, under personal decision, exited the world. We were unable to receive a response from Lhamster.

 

Update: Breaking News just come through and we have just heard that Ajaytonymathew2 has been announced as the rebel's official leader. All XP Sabotagers are advised to buy hair-clippers as rumours claim he is powerless without his afro.

[aBdUlLaHkInGg 39]

Very long topic :D.

[danilo8667 234]

I think that dictator is best hull.That's why I have it M2.It is very good for golds because he is really high so you will manage to get to that gold before other tanks.

Edited September 5, 2014 by danilo8667

[I.WalkAlone 548]

Two words for it (after ask double is better *wink*): creative and hilarious.

[Pathfinder 1,690]

Good job guys! Hoggie's giving you a run for your money GoldRock ;)

[r_Firingsniper0 1,215]

pls write for money

[Phoenix-Warbird 1,329]

JJ and I didnt get married <_<

Edited September 6, 2014 by Phoenix-Warbird

[hassann 26]

2x :wub:  :wub:  :wub:
hair cliper hhhhhh

Edited September 5, 2014 by hassann

[Amagi 1,728]

 one admin speaking directly to 'The Dictator' and stating that "the invaders stand no chance against our 178 nuclear bombs." 

I'm scared now.  :wacko:

[canadarules 1,938]

Nice teamwork on the reporters part :)

[lordmostafa 3,821]

The Iran one was so funny, but an awesome piece of work you got there bro. 

[Pallidium 17]

I wonder who that IAmNotGoldRockInDisguise character was.... seemed pretty sketch...

 

Although, he's completely "write"!

[aBdUlLaHkInGg 39]

I wonder who that IAmNotGoldRockInDisguise character was.... seemed pretty sketch...

 

Although, he's completely "write"!

Lol .

[shadewarttt 3,350]

"ShadeWarTee"

[jokersus.cava 1,503]

My pic isn't so big at all :unsure:

Anyway, it's pretty funny, I love it! Good job all!

[EatYourMeat 27]

GoldPro? Really? :D

[TheLonelyEpic 212]

hehe I was at the wedding. And hog you are too violent stop writing about war.

[hogree 4,179]

hog you are too violent stop writing about war.

-insert essay about war here-

Edited September 8, 2014 by hogree

[Superlative 500]

It's bluelight1209. :P

[Superlative 500]

I'd give a like for this. I'll add mine, when I get my PC.

[blackopspaul 753]

Nice work Guys!

[mdit108 121]

Hilarious nothing else.

[Remaine 4,687]

LOl 

 

 

It's bluelight1209. :P

 

 

I'd give a like for this. I'll add mine, when I get my PC.

Edit your posts.

[rokar123 11]

Awesome. :)

[hogree 4,179]

Edit your posts.

But then he won't get 16,000. will he