Contest [Issue 27] Can you Contribute to Tanki's Finest News Source?

[GoldRock 6,165]

Do you think you can write a spoof piece, something which uses satire and sarcasm to make readers laugh? If so, you're in the right place! The team at The Dictator (Tanki's Finest News Source, I'll have you know) is looking for talented and budding columnists to contribute towards its aim of total domination of the Press section. All you have to do is the following:

- Write a short 'news' piece which should NOT be serious at all - use satire if you can, try to make it humorous! Make sure you use a good headline! You can base it around a real event or make it up completely - it's up to you!

- A good length would be anywhere between 150 and 300 words, around 200 might be best - your entry can be longer or shorter if you feel that'd be more effective, though that could mark your entry down.

 

-Please note that if you post yours soon after the release of this issue, you may get "extra points" for originality, since using other people's ideas will severely decrease your likeliness of winning. So get writing!

Check these previous articles in the series for examples:

[issue 25] The Dictator - Tanki's Finest News Source
[issue 26] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - August

[issue 27] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - September

Here's just one example, taken from the first topic:

 

"El Hamster" takes one step closer to world domination.

Alongside the new additions to the Reporter staff, another change also surreptitiously took place - a long-time member of the team known only as "El Hamster" was promoted to an administrator position. Some claim this shady character hopped over to America and held fellow admin Conan at gunpoint during the short procedure. No comments have been made by Conan on the matter.

Whilst the older Reporters knew better than to protest against this seizing of power, some of the candidate Reporters were intrigued by the nature of this mastermind. When El Hamster revealed that lives at the "3vil Planning Towers, Lhamsterville", a certain Mr. Kirby dared to question the existence of such a place. And a fellow candidate Reporter, who wishes to be addressed as Lord Harel, went one step further; he seemed to doubt the all-powerful authority of El Hamster, even going on to state that "Hamster isn't scary..."

El Hamster's rather eloquent response to this challenge was "He'll soon wish he never applied". Rumours that a minus sign has been placed in front of Lord Harel's pay for this newspaper issue are currently unconfirmed.

Well, that should provide more than enough info for you to get going. But what are the prizes, you ask? Well, you might find them more interesting than normal...

1st Place:
- 30,000 crystals
- Your entry will be published in 'The Dictator' AND
- You will be asked if you wish to become a 'columnist' for the 'The Dictator' series, where you may write a similar short piece each issue for a 5,000 crystal monthly salary, which will be published in 'The Dictator'. In other words, we'll offer you a contract!

2nd Place:
- 20,000 crystals
- Your entry will be published in 'The Dictator'.

3rd Place:
- 10,000 crystals
- Your entry will be published in 'The Dictator'.

Runners up will receive 5,000 crystals each.

The deadline for entries is the end of October 22nd. Good luck!

Edited July 31, 2017 by Hexed

[Aero.v2.0 1,456]

 

New "Medicinal" Drug Bust Produces Much Graver Information!

Yesterday morning, the Amalgamated Pharmaceutical and Bacon Corporation was raided by the FBI and found to have been deceiving consumers of their highly marketed drug "Nitron". This product, which which claimed to "double your speed and agility" was found to cause a significantly less effect. CEO Hogreed claimed he had no knowledge of this misinformation and blames his Marketing Administrator Yelinia for the entire thing.

While investigating the facility however, a more malevolent plot was brought to light. It appears Hogreed's company had been supplying bacon to the entire city of Perm, Russia. An anonymous shadowy erroneous member of his cooking crew alerted us to the fact that the bacon was being laced with laxatives. Some digging into the secret files showed that an attempt was to be made on Semyonkevich's treasured vodka collection while he and the Tanki development team.

 

Edited October 9, 2014 by Aero.v2.0

[TIMI 1,080]

Reserved

[Guest Maserati]

Healing Fans complain Isida's sale "not happening".

By 

A group of people have thought there was to be a Isida's sale on Isida's 5th anniversary, 28 Sep 2014, but it turned out not. Regards this they decided to think  it was going to happen on Friday the 30th of September. People reacted with horror as many players did not have the chance to buy it on Tankman's Day. However there will be a sale upcoming really soon where we will meet the grand host; 25% sale is not much but it may as well be a 50% sale.

 

Isida has been 'nerfed' many times and still isn't as effective in attacking. Many players have thought it was a very good gun as it is a easy way to rank, but takes quite long. It is very good in defense as it can heal anyone damaged; in midfield it can help in the battlefield due to more action taking place there. It is also a good health-stealer, like a lizards limbs healing from time to time. One Isida fan, ZaHorseRider (CLAW's ex-leader) announced: "Isida's nice for  saving some poor things, y'know, a few poor innocent Hornets and Wasps. Even though it can't save much things, but it can save quite more people than it used to due to 'smart', *cough* not so smart, cooldown of drugs. Turns out the druggies have left the game and now all poor things can just relax and sip their coffee. The coffee aint too bad but the coffee beans may have been 'rotten',  keeps making the poor tanks cough; some buyer comes and 'rush' all the tanks with a M3 Rail while they relax".

 

But a Isida sale will only mean less shafts. We can't forget to pair Isida's counter turret, Shaft. Shaft is a really slow recharge but they 'nerfed' it and it can rapid shoot just a bit slower than thunder. Many players turn to Shaft as they rather hide in secret spaces to sniper you out of the game, many tankers get rather 'aggravated' and 'rage-quit'. "Despite its slow recharge, it is the best way to rise up your D/L and chop some meat rather than healing mammals all day" ZaHorseRider worries. "I'd better not be wrong".

 

So there you have it, Isida fans going crazy out there.

 

Hackers, Parkourers, Map-Lovers go MAD "wanting Moon Silence BACK".

By

 

A group of people - hackers, parkourers, map-lovers - going mad. Its been 1 year since they removed it and the map has gone missed. The 'moonwalkers' are wanting it back, there have been many reasons. Several arguments have been taken place, saying this is why and that is why but not many true reasons. They removed it because there were many hackers and 0 gravity so it was easy to get on buildings. Moon Silence was a loved map by the fellow community and got removed, there were many disadvantages and advantages, for example: less hackers, less ricochets, etc....

 

Ricochet was later 'nerfed' so its tricks to get up stuff was removed. This update devastated players and ricochet became reasonably unpopular; people hated playing with ricochet after these 2 updates. People tried to get on with the game, but this update would never be forgotten - hated by most players. The developers did celebrate its end with a special paint called "Moonwalker" to celebrate its farewell. It was introduced in April the 12th 2013, Cosmonautics Day and was removed on the 30th of  September 2013 (just over 5 months). As I said it, was removed due to hackers, but when you think about it; there aren't much hackers these days as there used to be. As much of we all know about GodMode_ON, he did change Silence for Tankman's day, he might be doing so again. DaBast-Qate created a topic recently which had quite a discussion. Saying he didn't know traceur was going to stay as they said it would be removed or MoonWalker which wasn't around for a long time. But the paints are like a collectors item; a jewel, something that is like an achievement. Despite the action, why do people want the paints back? Why not the map or the contest? 

 

Well after a whole year of Moon Silence has gone, many updates took place - that made many tankers quit. Moon Silence gone, Ricochet 'nerfed', 'dumb' cooldowns for drugs, just for what? We could've left it as it is but they had to listen to the 'noobs'. Well lets just have a moment to think about these updates and wish all the tankers that left good luck.

Please note this is being edited, and please no copy my work.

Edited October 6, 2014 by Lord.Shadow

[DarthvaderjonGTR 615]

Impending Pandemic Threatens World With Oblivion

 

Ever since the release of Tanki Online in 2008, doctors and rehabilitation centers have noticed a worrying trend-the numbers of patients seeking medical treatment have been increasing exponentially, with no sign of slowing down anytime soon. Conservative estimates have put the current number at about 5 million cases of severe compulsive drug abusers and victims of post traumatic stress disorder a month. 99.9% of these cases have been attributed to the culprit, Tanki Online.

 

An interview with medical specialist Professor Kirby was interrupted by a hysterical bespectacled 12 year old boy mourning the loss of a gold box due to the infamous "fatal error", which has also been attributed to more than 70% of cases of early onset of alopecia and many other forms of hair loss in adolescent tankers. An exasperated psychiatrist, Dr Cloak, trembled, breaking out in cold sweat as he remarked "the number of concerned parents consulting me about their trigger happy children exhibiting symptoms of hypertension is freaking me out!"

 

Following the brief interview, Dr Cloak disappeared down a mine shaft, leaving behind a self destruct note wrapped in his beloved cloak... His disappearance is shrouded in mystery and the police have deployed sniffer pigs (hoggies) in an attempt to solve the case.

 

On with the news, international health organizations have expressed the need to reverse this worrying trend, and have stated that 'smart cool downs' was a step in the right direction. Certain healthcare professionals though, (a certain Mr Semyon perhaps?) have displayed an uncanny, and rather disturbing delight at the crisis at hand, hinting that it was 'good for business'.

 

The WHO has issued an international health advisory, putting the world on red alert at a possible pandemic of Tanki Online with its impending release on Unity. Detected modes of transmission include but are not limited to social media, miniclip, word of mouth, Gamescom, and other dubious exhibitions . The insurgency has been named Severe Acute Tanki Syndrome (SATs) and the virus is fatal. Personal discretion is advised.

Edited October 14, 2014 by DarthvaderjonGTR

[Endurance 543]

Smart cool-down causes OUTRAGE!!!

 

The new so-called 'Smart cool-down' has already forcibly made itself into the game - Damn right I said 'forcibly'. The idea was brought up by a couple of mediocre Lieutenants who suggested the idea of "making the game more fair". Making it more fair, seriously!? What about 'Survival of the fittest'? - you either WIN or you LOSE!

 

You sirs/madams have ruined the [#WordWhichShallNotBeNamed] game! Now prepare to DIE!! *chuckles* You know I'm just kidding. Anyways, now all the buyers/druggers are on a rampage. This has particularly affected most Arab players who love to invest hundreds of $$$ as a hobby. These players will have no choice but to depart the game and go elsewhere to throw around their money. Now don't get me quoting the outcry which has been going on in the English Community for the past few months.

 

Ok... Lets not get too carried away here. Lets look at the positive side of this event. Imagine yourself joining a game where your team is losing - like real bad. No more getting pwned by druggers as well as getting spawn-killed from the moment you join. In fact, you can show off those hidden bad-ass skills and lead your team to victory. Everyone one will be like "This guy's got mad skills!". BOOM! - expect a tonne of friend requests.

 

That's all guys, stay tuned for more!

~

Edited October 17, 2014 by Endurance

[Thekillerpenguin 1,731]

Reserved. I might change this submission later, since I'm not sure about the quality of this one.

 

Penguins, contests, conspiracies, oh my!

By @Thekillerpenguin

 

Rumors have been circulating throughout the game and forum about a user named Thekillerpenguin. He has been accused of gaming the contest system somehow, as he has won some position in almost every contest he has entered in. The Dictator interviewed several users about the matter.

 

"There is no way Thekillerpenguin's hands are clean in these affairs!", said someone who preferred to remain anonymous. "Everybody knows it's impossible to win one contest after another, right? Look at Smoky's critical hit mechanics! You can't possibly get a crit after another! Thekillerpenguin's been planting sleeper agents in newspaper staff! He's been giving the reporters subliminal messages! He's spiking their food! I'm sure of it! He's part of an NSA plot to steal our freedom!"

 

The next interviewed user was a certain "trumpet_the_best". He replied "Maybe he's just really lucky. I mean, he sees gold boxes pretty often, and his Smoky gives him crits a lot. It's possible that he's just happened to score highly in all these contests. I don't believe all these crazy tin-foil hat people."

 

The famous newspaper editor Hogges also replied to the request for comment. "There's TOTALLY a conspiracy going on. I mean, everybody knows that penguins are terrible animals, the antithesis to the magnificent pigs. There is no way my staff would let a penguin win a contest of their own free will. Now that I think of it, how does Thekillerpenguin even play Tanki! Penguins don't have fingers! He can't control his tank nearly as well as he seems to do! ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED! I'M CALLING SEMYON!" He then proceeded to run down the hallway, out the building, and onto the highway to reach Tanki headquarters. No word on whether he's returned yet.

 

The Dictator was also PMed by an unknown source. "hi this is hazl kirrov we lik to askk u to ban tekilerrpnngin cuz he dinie mi uz of ma da comunnityyz crys cuz he wn conntests plz ban k btw giv acc an crys plz?

Edited October 8, 2014 by Thekillerpenguin

[KNELSEN4 177]

Weather in Tanki predicted to make a dramatic change

 

Rumors in the TO Headquarters say that the weather behavior in maps could soon be changing. Monster storms with hail the size of Ricochet balls and Gold Box stealing tornadoes are expected to pass through the following maps; Atra, Berlin, Chernobyl, Desert, Edinburgh, Forest, Garder, Hill, Iran, Kungur, Sandbox, Silence, and Wolfenstein. If you are currently battling in these maps you are advised to put your tank in your garage, as the Ricochet ball sized hail could damage your tank, but don't worry if you don't get your tank in your garage by the time the storm hits, the damage can't be anything a few crystals can't fix. 

 

Also, our weather spectator, while doing a photo-shoot for a player, has also spotted a Hurricane, we've decided to name it Semyon, forming just off the beach on the map Rio. It is expected to hit land sometime within the next week, so if you are in the area, you are advised to get a few souvenir Gold Boxes and get out of there! The worst damage expected is the tallest building will loose one layer. For all you eager parkourists, it is advised to wait for clean-up crews to clear the damage before you, "Conquer the Building....Again!" 

This is your Chief Meteorologist @KNELSEN4 Signing out, Stay Safe! 

 

 

 

[bc5161 13]

Reserved

[abdullahtss 5]

reserved

[tiger_of_malaysia 271]

Miley Cyrus spotted twerking in Deathmatches

by @tiger_of_malaysia

 

Following the massive uproar during the release of the Smart Cooldowns, there has been a rumour circulating throughout EN 1 server about the notoriously controversial Wrecking Ball singer, Miley Cyrus, aged 69, twerking in DMs.

 

She appeared with the ever-so-devastating Railgun/Viking. This proves that Cyrus herself has quite an interesting taste regarding tank combinations. The witnesses state that she continued twerking for five full minutes despite suffering from high network latency.

 

According to the rumour, she always twerked at the center of the map, preferably to grab players' attention since it is her expertise. Fegordeon, one of the witnesses said, "Her twerking was absolutely atrocious, that my tank's hp started to drain whenever the turret was pointing at her. I believe she was using some kind of black magic".

 

Meanwhile, some players claim that the famous troll, named Louse99 went to the map where Cyrus was in, only to get an eye transplant recently as a result of staring too long at the obscene act of the singer. No official statements have been made by Louse on this matter.

 

We'll leave you with a legitimate screenshot featuring Cyrus twerking in Sandbox sent by an anonymous. Please be noted that you might end up like Louse. You have been warned...

 

 

pic is pending...

 

 

~ andur kanstruksyun ~

:excl:

Edited October 16, 2014 by tiger_of_malaysia

[hell-water 20]

                  to making a champion 

 by hell-water

    this story about a man who was win the cycle race in tour-de-france race and became a sport's star

           lance armstrong born 1971 in texas he was a athletic for a early age he was began running and swimming at age 10 he took up competitive cycling and triathlons when he was age thirteen at age sixteen lance armstrong became professional triathlete he was national sprint course triathlon champion in 1989 to 1990

         he was seen a ad board written about tour-de-france is a cycle race nearly 3,500km lance armstrong was took a achivement and win that race 7 times. but his dream of riding for french crashed on 2 october 1996 when he was diagnosed with cancer witch was advantage stage the cancerous spreads through cells and spreads to his lungs and brain so.. an urgent operation was been started when the operation finished doctors told him 50% change to survival  

          doctors told him to leave cycling but he never give up his mother teach him determination and persistence to him when he was gone to tour-de-france he was stoped cycling at near to race his behind cycles was finshed the race that time he mother come and cheer him and told if you not win this race but try to finished this race then he come last after he cured for caner he was lose his weight so.. he cycling very fast and hejoin more champion 'ships and won more medals then the US-president george bush was invite him to give him prize he was gone there happy . bush was told to caner people that lance was come out this caner and he was fighter of that caner you must no give up try what you can he told to the caner people who affected he was come in T.V then geroge bush told to people that he is son-of-texas

 

                                   that's all and thank for read this story and its really happens 

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Tanki Online goes green, signs contracts with jewellery agencies, players report colour - blindness, whatever next?

By @TriNitroToIuene

 

After months of protest by dedicated environmentalists, the developers have finally given in and launched their latest project to combat global warming and the gargantuan ozone hole above Rio - Smart Cooldowns!!! According to confidential sources, this system limits the use of 'greenhouse gases', namely the supplies - Double Damage, Double Armour and Nitros to preserve the atmosphere as well as make the game interesting. Of course, the firms which manufacture the greenhouse gases have protested against this, claiming huge losses for their companies. Upon hearing the claims that Smart Cooldowns help to conserve the environment, a player commented - "Why the big talk about saving the environment if supplies still fall from the sky?"

 

Meanwhile, boxes have been given a makeover, mostly due to claims of fashion agencies which manufacture them that they are rugged and spoil their image. While a large number of players are happy with this, some still complain about the crude look of the crystal and the gold boxes. "Looks like some jewellery firm has developed a contract with Tanki Online, there’s no way boxes can be so ugly,” says a player. Indeed, rumours are flying that jewellery firm “Jeweltopia” is sponsoring the game due to its lack of funds for the shift to Unity. Who can live without money?

 

Meanwhile, due to the new chat update, many players have consulted the doctor due to colour-blindness problems, just to be sent back with the words “Don’t waste my time”. In this course, several genuine problems have also been untouched. “Why is everything I type red or blue?” say many. Those who aren’t on the forum have resorted to begging for the secret of public conversation. Tankers on the red team, look out for bulls when using team chat! You never know what might happen!

Edited March 13, 2016 by TriNitroToIuene

[sam6232 2]

GODMODE;THE MIGHTY TANK:SECRET REVEALED  

 

A week ago a team of reporters decided to hunt GodMode mystery and they were finallly accomplished after a long quest of 7 days and they revaled the secret on not telling their names. " We  went to hq of tankionline at night and we were lucky that there was only one secriuty guard so we asked him to let us in as we were develpers and we also asked him to give us pass of all the computers and acccounts of develpers. He became amazed but upon percuasion he gave us the passes.we were told by one of our spies that where was the godmode  computer .We loged in to it and we became amazed.there were 100000000000 crystals When we went to the garage there were all m3+(alll fully microupgraded hulls and turrets).when we futher went in to depths we came to know that for that account the real server was just like a test server in which you can rank up  to any rank ,get as much crystals as much as you can .We had already heard about the  rumors about the godmode paint when we looked in the garage,The paint had 99% protection against all turrets and its name was god "said thier leader. 

                        

                 _____________________________________________________________________________________ 

BY CONIERAUTO,ITS BANNED SO CAN NOT POST WITH IT

[Dhruv_007 30]

reserved

[The-One-Above-All 1]

Severe Noobing Syndrome Hits Tanki  Online!

 

Last week we informed you about a disorder caused by constant 24/7 usage of Tanki Online, which is called ETA (Extreme Tanki Addiction) disorder. Lets have a quick review of the symptoms: 

 

• -Little sleep 
  
• -Headaches
  
• -Shouting and/or angry parents/relatives
  
• -Lower grades in school or poor performance in office (getting expelled/fired is common)
  
• -poor condition of your house
  

 

Today we bring to you a newly discovered disease which is being referred to as 'SNS' (not to be confused by SMS)  [severe Noobing Syndrome]

 

Please do note that unlike above disorder, this disease is NOT caused by Tanki Online, in fact the source of this disease is not yet known. All that is known is that some Tanki players are born with it, its in their genes. Others are suddenly and randomly attacked by the disease out of nowhere. Though the affect of later is often temporary. Before, only low ranks were considered to be attacked by this disease, but recently it has been discovered that Legendary High ranking Pros may also be suddenly attacked by disease. Unfortunately the treatment for this disease is yet to be discovered, however here are the symptoms associated with it:

 

• -Angry/upset team mates.
  
• -Appearance of messages containing "Noob or Hy6" on team chat.
  
• -Appearance of messages containing "GET OUT" or "LEAVE" on team chat.
  
• -Sudden leaving of battle by many or all players
  
• -Team constantly losing round after round.
  
• -You sit at the bottom of score board
  

 

If you experience any or all above symptoms, you are advised to immediately leave the battle to avoid any damage. Tanki Online Management is working day and night on discovering the cure. Until then, if you feel you are attacked by the disease, you can pray for divine aid. We will keep you updated. ;)

 

~Iffat

Edited October 23, 2014 by The-One-Above-All

[LaserShark 2,095]

A Heartless Crime

 

Police are confused as to the identity of the criminal responsible for the murder of famed performer, Mr. Gingerbread Man.  Mr. Gingerbread Man was last seen outside his home last Saturday evening before his body was discovered just ten minutes later, with much of the head gone, as was part of his right leg.

Police are baffled as to the motive of the murder, as Mr. Gingerbread Man had very few enemies. "He seemed to make friends very quickly." remarked one neighbor, "I have no idea why anyone would want to harm him, he was such a friendly fellow!" Several witnesses claim to have heard a crunching noise moments before the body was discovered, adding yet more mystery to an already confusing investigation.

Among the suspects is 9-year-old Marley Jenkins, whose colorful past includes the infamous "Cookie Jar Heist" of 2012, and the burglary of one of the worlds rarest Aztec artifacts, the once famous Chocolate Egg.

[Raredust 454]

Tankers get tense at the thought of Tanki Online going extinct.

 

There's a huge problem. Too many tankers are fighting in the most important locations: Industrial Zone and Factory. The fighting causes great damage in these locations and with the damage, tanks cannot be manufactured as they need to be. The buildings and machines that manufacture the tanks are being destroyed faster than they can be rebuilt. This is a huge problem because nobody can buy tanks without them being manufactured, and we all persistently need them! A mind-boggling rumour is that Industrial Zone and Factory were secretly saving money to spend for manufacturing M4 Hornets and M4 Wasps! With the destruction however, they are spending the money for repairs and such. Nobody knows if this story is true, but many believe it. Regardless, the fighting definitely MUST stop in these areas, but nobody can stop tankers from doing so because people won't listen, people will protest, and, well, we're talking about war! If this problem ceases to be dealt with, then Tanki Online could have a serious breakdown with the time of its return unknown! Perhaps Tanki could be done for! Everyone is tense about what will happen to the future of their beloved game. Be ready for a breakdown, be ready to give up Tanki, and hope for the best!

Edited October 5, 2014 by Raredust

[Thekillerpenguin 1,731]

[pratyush's article here]

Nice!

 

Just as a footnote, N20 in real life DOES contribute to global warming.

Edited October 4, 2014 by Thekillerpenguin

[Kevred 1,586]

Update on the English/Russian Tensions

By Kevred

 

As the tensions between the Russian and English communities of Tanki Online is at it's peak, unconfirmed suspicions arises that ''The Dictator" might actually be a secret Russian organization trying to overtake the EN forum from the inside.

 

According to many players, hogree's recent guide "Eating Chicken" proves this. "The Dictators crew made tis guide to disable the US part of the EN comunity!" , "We US dudes need tose chicks !!" "up wit chikens! yeah man!" says american users. Tankers affirm that the guide is actually a cleverly instigated plan to decimate the chicken population of the Americas, and many players now want to retaliate. "This attack cannot go unanswered!", " We'll show those Reds!" shouts supporters. So, a few weeks ago, the EN community sent a undercover spy into the Russian servers to investigate. And yesterday, he came back with some disturbing news. Apparently, the Russian tankers appear to be training for what they call a "Clan War". But our lie experts know better. "It appears they are preparing for some kind of invasion" says Doctor Who,  after hours of thinking and gaming. Is the EN forum going to be overtaken by Russians? What do we do now? Let's hear what Dr. Klaus, of the EDA (English Defence Agency), has to say. "In my opinion, this phrase of Goldrock: «towards its aim of total domination of the Press section. » proves The Dictator's culpability beyond doubt. So, we must first eradicate the inside threat before dealing with the outside one. The first step to take will be to diminish The Dictator's influence in the Press section. That's why I vote we reduce The Dictator's icon in the monthly newspaper issues. Join the EN Resistance!". For your information, Dr. Klaus disappeared a few hours after the interview... and was later found in the garage, eating a banana.

 

Meanwhile, Remaine has decided to make a "Drinking Vodka" guide, to undermine the Russians' morale. Most people are confident about the war: "Clean you're arrow keys and polish you're space bars, we're going to war!", says a very eager tanker. Nevertheless, not everyone believes the "Colder War", as many players now calls it. "Trust me guys, we're on...er, I mean, the Dictator's crew is on you're side!", claims GauldRok. "I agree with GoldRock! Er... I mean GauldRok!" says Hoggry. And some are more neutral. "Dude, you shouldn't be posting this in The Dictator's, r u crazy or what?". in the meantime, the EDA has promised to start a boycott of the paint "Red" next week, so don't worry readers, no Reds will breach your house today!

 

So, are we witnessing the beginning of the Second Cold War between the US and the Soviet Union (formerly known as Russia)? How will it affect you and you're computer? Are chickens yummier cooked or grilled? Tune in to find out!

 

~~Kevred disappeared an hour after this post was posted, and stains of red was found in his house. Later investigations revealed the red compound was tomato juice, and Kevred was found eating a hamburger at Mc Donald's~~

Edited October 8, 2014 by Kevred

[Tanker1928374655 133]

DELETED

I FELL THIS SUCKS, AND I WANT TO WIN SO RESTART!!!! -_-

Edited October 10, 2014 by Tanker1928374655

[LaserShark 2,095]

The Message

 

It has been discovered the Mayan calendar, which supposedly could predict the end of time, is not actually all it seemed to be. Archeologists have discovered a different story behind the famous calender, it's a request, a message, to us in the future, not about the end of time, but rather, they want more Oreo cookies.

 

The discovery was made last January when a team of scientists discovered a pile of documentation unveiling a secret military plan involving time travel. It is presumed during one of the experiments, a team was forced to trade with the Mayans when they ran out of water and were unable to travel back into the future. It only took one box, and the Mayans were addicted. Under the agony of withdrawal, they made a far-fetched effort to send a message to the future, that they needed more Oreos, so they built a giant cookie replica out of stone and left it where it would be uncovered thousands of years later.

 

Word has recently been received a shipment of Oreos has been delivered to the appropriate time period.

[rothro3 50]

CLASSIC SYBOL CALLED INTO QUESTION!!

 

"Why is it called dictator?" I was lost for words. This was strange. ABSOLUTELY strange. "What do you mean?", I typed back. "Why is the news source called dictator? It doesn't make any sense." At this I was flabbergasted. It was the first time I had ever heard a bit of critic for this column. After thinking about it for all of five seconds, I replied: "I don't know." "Will you find out?", was the typed reply.

Coming to think about it was interesting. What did the name imply? Was it that dictator is so high and lofty? I mean, it's high enough to over shot most things. Is that what the name implies? That they overshoot the facts? Or is it that the slope is upward, suggesting that the column is going up in truthfulness? Not likely. Still, why not call it "WASP". Hmmmmm.......I don't think that would be nice. After all wasp is TINY. Still dictator works and to me that's excuse enough. That and "in love" paint for guys.

[danilo8667 234]

reserved

[Superlative 500]

Reserved.