Contest [Issue 27] Can you Contribute to Tanki's Finest News Source?

[ALEKSEJ0077 150]

Reserved

[Yisroel.Rabin 16,224]

@GoldRock, may I use the story I PMed you? :P

[trombone_ftw 734]

Reserved

[TEST_S.Y.K.E.2.4 2]

TEST_S.Y.K.E.2.4

10/05/14

Contest Entry

 

 

 

RECENT REPORT:

People Spotted "Disrespecting Their Tank"

 

 

 

 

        We've just got a recent report that people have been so called "

 

Disrespecting their tank". The Tanki Online Admin and Staff think they

 

should jump to the task at hand. But they wanna find out how people are "

 

Disrespecting their tank". And we have got statements from the people of

 

Tanki Online. One old man says, " Gosh dang it, if they ever want Tanki to

 

progress, they got to let people be. Until people start destroying their very

 

own tanks and using the tank as a tool they should just lay low. It really

 

ain't complicated ". A young African girl says," Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, If

 

people goin' be disrespecting their tanks by driving them of cliffs or having

 

them self destruct, Mmm, Tanki will be done just like that. " We just got a 

 

report saying that the Tanki staff will alter the self destruct system so

 

whenever tanks self destruct, (s)he will lose 5 points and a kill, and so will the

 

team in TDM. So I guess that's it for today. We will have another copy out

 

next week! Have a great week!  

 

 

 

 

 

 

The End

 

 

 

 

 

Property of TEST_S.Y.K.E.2.4

Edited October 6, 2014 by TEST_S.Y.K.E.2.4

[Scarrock 4]

Coffee Breaks

By: Scarrock

 

Lets face it tankers, we all know that when we press P it is not to get a drink of coffee. When we enter a battle, it has told us multiple times that coffee breaks are an excellent way to spend your pause time. There is a very big dilemma stemming from this. The coffee itself. Upon talking to other tankers about the subject, I have heard questions such as: "I do not like coffee, what should I do?" "I am not old enough for coffee may I drink hot chocolate instead?" "Why is coffee brown?" "When I drink my coffee must it be in a mug" "What does the fox say" and other very serious questions.

This is a very serious problem. A recent origination known as D.E.C.A.I.F or Death to Every Coffee And I Forgot has surfaced and is taking over the anti-coffee rebellion. Outbreaks have occurred in multiple parts of the world.A group of D.E.C.A.I.F rebels in the Unites States stormed the white house and stole the Presidents beloved coffee maker, holding it at  1 million dollar ransom. The poor president has not been able to stay awake through weekly episode of Wheel of Fortune ever since. 

Meanwhile, Dunkin' Donuts has been on a steady decrease in coffee sales as a result of their delivery trucks being hi-jacked by D.E.C.A.I.F, who recently forged an article by the FDA claiming that drinking coffee can lead to extremely horrifying effects such as enjoying Miley Cyrus videos. Coffee sales have been on a steep decline ever since.

Edited October 6, 2014 by Scarrock

[vlad160000 15]

Dictator's return

By vlad160000.

 

      In a wonderful day of a month in one year, Hitler and Stalin talking about an amazing game with destruction,tanks and other good things that you can blow up.

      Hitler:-My friend Stalin, this game is really great, it is with tanks and you can control it without using a finger(just the fingers on X,Z,Space and arrows buttons),like in World War II.-I'll show this game wich you can destroy the world!

      Stalin:-Oh, my friend Hitler, I will glad follow you in your mission to destroy the world but I don't trust you...

      Hitler:-No problem, in this game you can choose your tank, you don't need to trust me.

      Stalin:-OK, let's see...there aren't too many tanks...aaa it's russian game,I'm proud!

      Hitler:-So, what tank did you choosed?

      Stalin:-I like The DICTATOR one, it's my style...

      Hitler:-Great, I choosed that too!

      Stalin:-What ingenious weapons, I will conquer  the world!!!

      Hitler:-Ahh...my very very good friend Stalin, we will conquer the world!

      Stalin:-This is a russian game, I will conquer the world first, then you,like my son, will take an island in the Pacific and will sleep at night very comfortable...

      Hitler:-That's it! I challenge you at war fight in this game, let's see who will win!

      Stalin:-Little milling german, I will smash you in pieces, I know all the militar technique!

 

After long time of almoust controling the tank, in the map Silence, Hitler self-destructed with wasp(becuse he had a revelation to take that hull):

   Stalin:-Ha,ha little monster I destroyed you!!!

      Hitler:-No, I killed myself because I, I am the Third Reich!

      Stalin:-I found the best tank ever, this tank...DICTATOR!!!

 

After this ,,battle'', Stalin wanted to destroy tanks again...

   Stalin(alone):-Die american people in russian tanks, die!!!! I'm a Dictator and, with my dictator, will destroy the world!!!

      

Couple of days later, the current stopped:

   Stalin:-...!

  

Edited October 7, 2014 by vlad160000

[Superlative 500]

Tanki online solution to problems; the story behind smart cooldowns!

by

 

Tanki solution to our problems

After a series of events, namely, the quarrel between two famous actors Matt le Blance of Friends and Drake Ramore has ended in a massive tragedy. Drake, 50, who was on to working for his role in the "family for sale" play, encountered the ever comedy for romedy star Matt le Blanc ending Drake in the hospital wheel.

 

The fight had taken place on the eve of New Year in a shopping complex, where Drake took his grand kids for Christmas and was to leave for a play in 15 minutes and Matt with his girlfriend.

 

The two saw each other with a greeting glance followed by a showdown.

 

When it was Drake's turn to take his kids to Santa, Matt came in, and Drake started cursing and Matt engrossed in anger jabbed Drake's chin rendering him unconscious. Later, Drake saw himself lying next to Matt, who came to apologize but Drake couldn't forget what happened to him and started cursing him again and was to witness another devastating blow from Matt, when the door shrieked followed by a nurse, who told the duo to check out this site in the internet and they sure did check it out and became good friends.

 

After this issue's been highlighted in the press section and we at the dictators' special Rock in golden colour went undercover and perusively researched the real data behind the scene and here is the confidential information that he was found quoting near a rock dam: "It was him, he betrayed us; how could he?! A betrayal! "

 

After he was consulted by a therapist, his immediate reply to the question was that a well know pig, who was surreptitiously undercover as the dictators' finest writer was leaking the legal data-mining methods confidentially kept and used by the dictator. Officials announced that the pig's name was Pighog.

 

He was later put under duress and that the real mastermind the police force, to be more precise the FBI, has obtained information was a light with some colour, several hunches indicate the name of lightblue, who's whereabouts are currently unknown.

 

However, the part about the fight was removed under request; the part that mentioned the site referred and the nurse had been discovered. The BBC's officials state that the site referred was a well-known Russian game known by the name of Tanki Online and the nurse was a mother, and you may know her more from her nickname in the game called Bydolord.

 

Unfortunately, more on this issue cannot be found as Pighog is under solitary confinement and Rock in golden colour is near a rock dam.

 

_______________________________________________________

 

Story behind smart cooldowns

 

After an in-depth research into the story behind the enactment of smart cooldowns, we at Dictator has featured this as the main article for this issue. The story started when Hazel-Rah, the game designer of tanki online, ate a piece of Semyon's cake ultimately leading to a major dispute between the duo. After Hazel ate a piece of Semyon's birthday cake, a mix of chocolate, vanilla in layers ended in a disagreement. After the party finished, Semyon, Hazel, and Yele had a conference on naming the new update to be released, where Semyon displayed his great disapproval to hazel's ideas, the altercation finally ended in the discussion of his birthday cake and Hazel replied that he will have a rank-up party for him and when Yele interjected with a dialogue called: "Smart cooldowns", hit Semyon as a great name and that's how tanki has their new update named after a genius., who's name is not told, so you could be one!

_____________________________________________________________

 

Note: All these information was to be kept confidential until the author, , had love to share some. For now, blue might be in danger as the FBI is going to hunt him down, there's no doubt the old consultant administrator would not forgive him and may lock-him with Pighog. To prevent that from happening, a coded word has been encrypted in this article; as soon as you find it you'll get a call from him to join the Save bluelight1209, I mean Lightblue campaign, Ah! I disclosed it! Tee-hee So, wait for your call!

 

The secret to writing exceptionally well, a tip from the dictator team! Click the spoiler to find out!

 

Like me!

Imagination!

 

 

Edited October 16, 2014 by Superlative

[Eragon 13,876]

Evening XP battle

 

 

I joined a XP battle with my prodigi.

Therider said:”Go out noob!”

I said ok ok I.Always win still

I changed to green paint and we said: “GO”

But on our team Remaine carried the flag Damn_Slow!

We started to blame each other and started to lose

But then on our team joined Mrs.Sparky and we all became B.R.A.V.E

But then on the opposite side joined Sky128

And we all started to lose and die!

Therider started to laugh and say I.Can-Beat_The-World

I said to my team flag!

But they were already.dead

And soon after UnKnown_AngeLz left my team

 My team became SoCrazy

“Come_on team! We Can’t Stop!”

But it was too late,

Why I.always.lose?

Firingsniper sent me an invite to his Rankup

I accepted and left.  Hearing distant rumors: “Run Run”

 

 

 

_________________________________________________________

All names,ideas, and writing is purely fiction and holds nothing more then humor, any connection with reality is total coincidental 

eragon33

Edited October 12, 2014 by eragon33

[Darky01 326]

Reserved ~!

[Loser_100_percent 50]

                                                                                         The Godmode_ON's controversy

 

 

As there have been rumors of an unknown tank , brutally murdering other tanks for reasons unknown , this topic has been totally dedicated to that unknown tank (Smart-cool downs , you can wait).This unknown tank has been killing tanks from around 2 TE ( Tanki era-starting of 2.0 Tanki).Its not only seems to grow powerful , it also can drop Gold Boxes.Many people have been fooled into thinking that its just a staff member playing a prank in front of their eyes(But believe me , they still do have a lot of humor) .So , who is going to put a check to unknown tank's BIIG controversy ?

Its none other than our secret spy TankiOnline007.His reports show that the unknown tank is not made up of normal metals but a specially forged metal called Tankinium (it is included in the Tanki's periodic table).Although smart-cool downs should be of a great threat to the unknown tank , it seems to have no effect on the tank!Our spy's reports say that the drugs that he uses are carefully smuggled from Serpuhov! As , we have only member reporting , the unknown tank's mystery has to wait for some time to be solved.But , we are very close and we shall reveal this mystery.Remember , you first heard it from Loser_100_percent.Over and out.

 

 

 

 

Topic made by Loser_100_percent

Special thanks to Godmode_ON for being the hot topic

 

EDIT:All characters appearing in this work are fictitious .Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead,is purely coincidental.Except Godmode_ON.  

Edited October 8, 2014 by Loser_100_percent

[B.R.A.V.E 734]

~RESERVED

 

me Likey :D

[toanuparu_GT 7]

​gold box taunting players 

 

 

apparently on server EN22 some guy spotted a gold box box falling like poop from a butt and getting a rush of adrenalin sped towards it, only to find it was a glitch. Surprised he jumped back and hollered wtf. it just sat there round after round looking at them with its little zeros like eyes taunting them with no apparent goal from its actions. It suddenly got up on LEGS!!!!!!!!, and attacked the players.Beating them relentlessly with a great amount of skill. finely it just disappeared. The players thought  for a moment and another gold box dropped, and then they all left.                                                                      

[That_Random_Tank 0]

New kits are not what you think!

 

Let's face it, we'd like to see ourselves with kits. But some players hate them and they want them to be gone forever. Until it will happen, let's take a look, what was happening with ideas of kits and also inside the crates, to see what they actually give.

 

First kit we will show is Refridgerator. You can buy it only at best electronics shop; Isida's electronics inc. IE inc. gives Refridgerator pretty cheap, but there is no Freeze, no Viking, but a fully working refridgerator with cool look.

What do IE inc. say about it? "What? You don't want refridgerator? I can give you any colour. So, what now? Buy it! Just buy it and leave me alone! I will give you free ice cubes! Now, go! I have more work!"

So, you have seen it. Refridgerator problem? IE inc. gives free ice cubes.

 

Next kit; Gladiator. You know what does this mean. Smoky is missing, same about Titan. Only thing that is there is Gladiator armor from about 126BC.

Armor is made out of titanium, that explains missing Titan. But Smoky? Rumors say that there was gladiator, working with Smoke god. He helped him by covering the arena with smoke.

And the worst thing about this is, the fact that it's most expensive thing, that can be bought. On Tankazon, the price has gone to $5,283,241.49. Second most expensive thing is Kasimovic's new weapon, Stinger, going to $4,628,752.14.

Edited October 13, 2014 by That_Random_Tank

[ALEKSEJ0077 150]

Is the pool of ideas drying up ? 

 

Are the Dictator's reporters running out of ideas ? Will they be able to make us laugh every month ? To find out we need to find out from where do the stories come from . Most people would think that the stories come from the imagination of the reporters but no , the ideas actually come from a main frame computer that once in a while just prints out some nonsense followed by some other nonsense which eventually makes a story while the reporters just sit there and listen to Justin Bieber and 1 Direction and watch people trying to twerk .

 

But recently my undercover agents disguised as chairs in the Dictator HQ sent me a text saying " Yo dude get us out of here !!! we are liking JB more and more by the min and plus the comp is exploding and the noobs are still sitting on us talking about JB and we cant handle it anymore !!! ;((((((((( "

 

But to confirm those claims i interviewed the two reporters GoldRocky and The HOG

 

AleksejDoubleOhDoubleSeven : Hello I am glad to meet such a famous rock as yourself . I got to ask you a question , are you guys in the Dictator running out of ideas for the next issues ?

 

GoldRocky : Of course not I am working on a piece right now .  :) 

 

AleksejDoubleOhDoubleSeven : Oh can you tell me what is it about ?

 

GoldRocky : Erm ... Hmmm ... I got it ,it is about erm ... I forgot it , wait wait ... erm ... it is Top Secret so I can not tell you OK .

 

AleksejDoubleOhDoubleSeven : K thanks for the ... erm ... valuable information  <_< .

 

 

AleksejDoubleOhDoubleSeven : Hello it is nice to meet you face to snout . And as I asked your college , do you have any ideas for the following issues ?

 

The Hog : Of course I have *oink* *oink*. I am going to write about how us pigs or hogs are awesome and that we are not planning an invasion and that we are going to make you stupid humans for everyone of our fallen brothers *oink* *oink* . You shall bow down to our supremacy !!! *oink* * oink* 

 

AleksejDoubleOhDoubleSeven : OK thanks for the interview . :)  :)  :) 

 

My agents claims are right except the one about The Hog wanting to kill all humans which is complete jibberish , so how long will it be until the time runs out and that there will no more be someone to make us laugh every month ?

 

Edited October 7, 2014 by ALEKSEJ0077

[bluedragon182 7]

reserved

[r_Firingsniper0 1,215]

--- The Myth of the Dreaded Auto-Correct ---

 

As of today, people are still fearing the dreaded myth of the incredibly obnoxious feature that is introduced on smart phones which are just a copycat of the first smart phone in this world. Based of the reviews of the unfortunate people that has to deal with Auto-Correct, it's a dirty sag of rotten potatoes.

 

Let's see why people have thought of introducing this horrifying feature into our current technology. People that use Internet (especially game sites/chats) have invented the so-called "Internet slangs". It contains some acronyms, and words that are far beyond understanding, just to make words frequently used on the internet the short as possible, in order to type what they want faster.

 

So there was the cause of this terrible creature to be born. So let's see the damage caused by this monster. So let's type out the words that are invented freshly in 2014, and type it out on a tablet which has the most annoying auto correct ever.

 

Original Text: git rekt m8 i jst 360 noscope u n00b i in faze so plz die

Result: Got deck M's I met 360 muscle up moon I in case so place die

 

Well both of doesn't make sense. I lost all hope in humanity. I quit this job.

[Musty9 51]

Reserved

[M1Abhrahams 49]

A "Waspy" attitude

Today we are going to discuss whether wasp is a significantly good name for our good old hull wasp or not. I think, when we see from the view point of railgun and shaft users, this is an extremely useful hull. It blows up every time in one shot if the versions(M1, M2, M3, M0) match. So in that case of the matter, i total agree with tanki. But we also have to take other viewpoints. A wasp stings hard, is fast and gets easily crushed. The wasp is somewhat wrong in this. It does not sting, because if it did, i would have a very scratchy bum right now. As for easily crushed, i am a railgun user myself. Bungler if i ever knew one. Wasps are like tanks which are for the community, I promote wasp users. It makes my kills go double and triple figures. It does not get crushed, it gets demolished out of the way. Wasp is like an insect which tries to buzz you, and whenever you kill it it dies obediently . In fact, now I  wished I had a pet wasp. If you ever want to see how a mammoth get killed in a goldbox scene, take a wasp and ring my doorbell. But have the sick bucket handy.... the goeey mess that was your wasp would not be so beautiful.......

 By- M1Abhrahams

[greyat 2,972]

Pythons and Tanks don't fit together

by greyat

 

Tankers are being cooked alive by the Cambodian Python, a new study reports. Due to the superb insulating properties of Cambodia Python skin, tankers can survive for a long time while protected by the skin despite being subject to a lethal blast of fluffy snowflakes. Unfortunately, these same properties lead to the heat from the slightest puff of flame or even smoke being trapped inside, increasing in intensity until the unfortunate soul within expires. Says the spokes-tank for the organization Tanks for Safer Paints, “Ah had a fren’ who got hisself cook’d live while ‘e was wearin’ that Infernal skin.” (He was referring to Pythons, not to the other controversial paint.) An investigation by the FBI is pending. This could be the finishing blow to the use of the Cambodian Python as a protective paint, being on the heels of an investigation earlier this year that followed the mysterious disappearance of multiple tanks that were using the same paint, whom were later found dissolved in pools of acid. The breeder of the reptiles denied to comment on both incidents, so for those owners of the Cambodian Python, it may be safer to keep them in the garage for a while, as the dangers of being roasted to death far outweigh the extremely high chance of being strangled and unceremoniously swallowed by a hungry python.

 

Update: The investigation found that the incident stemmed from complaints of a broken air conditioning system. There have been no further deaths.

Edited October 8, 2014 by greyat

[Domesticated 15]

Smart Cooldowns: The Update that Divided Communities

by Domesticated

 

In September 29, 2014, in Perm, Russia the developers were anticipated for the release of their latest update in which became very controversial in most communities. "The Developers hoped that this update would bring players more happy that there will be less drugger issues for the people to be more happy and while one player doesn't have all the advantages with all the supplies, but 50% of tankers did not like the idea and update of Smart Cooldowns because they can no longer act as real life Dictators. The other 50% of tankers from each community agreed with the Developer intention of making Smart Cooldowns because they can slightly worry less about complete druggers ruining the game in less than 5 minutes capturing 20 flags for example. I personally think this update will make the matches a but more interesting too see if they can be the same with a bit more restrictions on Supplies. Although the Update had caused half of each community to turn against, or just being a but more happy, this Update will remain controversial just like The Rebalance was." - nighthawk1, 2014. As night had said when i interviewed him via Gmail about this update, and his personal opinion on it no matter which side of the Community you're on this Update will remain Controversial.

Edited October 8, 2014 by Domesticated

[Omersaleem 4]

Everyone goes mad and start eating their tanks alive and farts!

 

 It was reported that on Wednesday 17th September at 18:24 a group of insane black tanks encouraged the other tanks in the map silence to self-destruct when they re-spawned. The insane tanks were able to make other tanks self-destruct by shaking their butts while falling down. So the other tanks tried the same. Within a minute all tanks were shaking their booty and falling down killing them selves.

One of the insane tanks's team member ate his team member alive and became a hornet from a wasp. He then ate a dictator and became a mammoth and got a new mixture of paints  which he named 'FARTY'. It had a greenish color and this paint had a special feature which was that no gun could reach it as it's  smell was so bad that it melted the bullets and other materials when they even passed by!

Then all the the tanks started to eat their friends and became even bigger than mammoth and got paints like smelly,farty,pee,flu etc...

Then they started to pee,and fart and throw flu on each other instead of fighting with real guns. Then one of the tanks drank all of the pee and smelled all of the fart and tasted all of the flu which made him the biggest and the deadliest tank named 'God_mode_On/Off'.A new paint is expected to be added officially in Tankionline named 'FFP'(farty,flu,pee) which will make a tank immortal! How ever this paint cannot be bought but snatched!This virus has spread all over Tankionline and your tank maybe the next one to be swallowed or get melted by a special paint! "HAHHAHAHA you all are mad,im mad and everyone is mad!!! Just dig your grave and die in it!" one of the affected tank says.

Edited October 8, 2014 by Omersaleem

[Omersaleem 4]

please delete this post:)

Edited October 8, 2014 by Omersaleem

[Thekillerpenguin 1,731]

 

{...}

To be honest, this is a pretty poor article. It's just randomness and potty humor.

 

I'm pretty sure most of us don't like reading neon colored text either.

[Omersaleem 4]

To be honest, this is a pretty poor article. It's just randomness and potty humor.

 

I'm pretty sure most of us don't like reading neon colored text either.

heheh u dont like it? xD

[Thekillerpenguin 1,731]

heheh u dont like it? xD

I'd be lying if I said I liked it. It's far from what I think is the worst submission on this page (*cough cough lance armstrong story cough cough*), but still.