Other [Issue 28] The Dictator: Tanki's Finest News Source - October

[GoldRock 6,165]

 
Greetings, readers! Here at the Tanki Online newspaper, we are passionate about providing you with information on all the latest updates, turrets, hulls, maps, contests, anything related to the community or game, and you can trust us to cover it all. But what about all the stuff which happened this month of which you may not know? Well, here's a summary of this month's more exciting events, which may or may not have actually happened. But that's a different matter altogether. Enjoy!

Gold: We have a whole host of reports for you guys this time 'round, including those which won our The Dictator contest! Thoughts and feedback on the article would be really appreciated. We'd love to hear your opinions. As always, enjoy!
Hog: Once again, we'd value feedback on what YOU think is the best piece this issue to help us with future issues!

Tanki Online gets its own new book series, and the EN community explodes with ideas!
By @GoldRock

The first book in a Tanki-based series has just been published in Russian! Consequently, none really have any idea what it's about. Rumor has it that Semyon posted an English synopsis of the book in the news topic announcing its release, but anyone attempting to visit the topic will find that its content is almost entirely concealed beneath giant "tl;dr" pop-up boxes. It is suspected that the (troll)-war hardened veterans Rob and Flea, who are 56 and 99 years old respectively, are behind such rumors. In any case, despite encouragement to visit the topic, independent reading rates in the EN community have plummeted ever since ShadeWarTee admitted he sometimes asks for assistance from his favorite teddy bear to decipher the more nonsensical posts made on the forum.

Of course, EN community players and their teddy bears are discerning, eagle-eyed and relatively intelligent (especially the teddy bears), which is why many have noticed a contest has cropped up in the RU community challenging players to come up with ideas for the next book in the series. Not wanting to be left out, many in the EN community have come forward with their own suggestions. The Consultant team insists that the book start with the phrase "Read the Rules. You will find the answer there," and that the remainder of the book should consist of blank pages to emphasize this point. When asked to expand, EffBeeEye explained: "We need to take this opportunity to make a point. Copies of the book would be perfect for throwing at the heads of unfortunate players who dare to ask something when the answer can be found in the Rules. Those blank pages would really add some weight to our message. I'd suggest about a thousand of them would do."

Other individuals have different ideas; Heather15905 suggested that the title of the book should be "My Life: Why I Love Myself", and that the contents should contain an epic saga of the many millions of his Real Photos and Duelist Wins, with appropriate captions (e.g. 'faaiq get rekt'). Another idea put forth by Eye.Girl.Eye was to make the book an informative guide on 'How to Effectively Change Your Username'. In a statement released, he/she said "Ideally, people should change their username more regularly. I'm contemplating creating an account on Monday called I.Monday, and changing its username to match each day of the week." The I. community is currently in the process of setting up a collective fund to finance this inspirational use of crystals.

Mainstream name changes are not the only I.Ssue that members of the EN community believe deserve to be the focus of the next book in the Tanki series. In fact, two "forumers" recently became engaged in a fierce debate over how the book should be written. Kanadarools provided the extremely deep and thought provoking argument that "There's no need for grammar. Its useless," only for BlueLightOneTwoOhNine to jump in and respond "any individual with an intellectual capacity significant enough would comprehend the necessity of grammar in such a situation". But, overall, it would seem the idea provided by EragonThirtyThree garnered most support. It consisted merely of the words "Pointless topic, avoid flooding." And in the bottom, right hand corner, three up votes shone through in mutual support. DislikerOne, DislikerTwo and DislikerThree.
Mine Hunt "should be renamed Sine Hunt" as shocking maths surge rises by 70% during the month!
By @hogree

Let's be honest, when it comes down to it, Maths is about as entertaining as watching an Isida-Mammoth duel in Dusseldorf. The words Quadratic, Vector, Trigonometry - let's just say it's rare for them to cause us to shout "More! More maths words! More!" However, when graphed as a linear equation, the concept of Maths in Tanki seems to be rising in interest at a surprisingly steep gradient.
 
We need look no further than our own spasmodic Mine Hunts here in the English Community. Some know more than others of unholycloak5 's struggles with maths, intellectual things, and come to think of it everything - and, well, the mass influx of digits that spam the chats whenever someone joins the hunt is enough to drive even the coolest mathematician wild. The amount of mines left in contest cause endless struggles within the brain, with reports coming to us here that by the end of Mine Hunts, the majority of competitors are left in brain meltdown. This was epitomized most clearly when fighter566 apparently stated in the aftermath of a Mine Hunt "You know, I've decided, I want to have numbers in my name." 
 
Not only do Mine Hunts get sidetracked by numbers now. On a field trip round Server 1 with the rest of the staff here at The Dictator (It wasn't a date, to clarify), I discovered to my horror the regularity of standard chat deviations into maths. I needed to remark little more than "I prefer chicken" to be greeted by several maths symbols being chucked in my direction. The amount of +'s that greeted my face within little more than 10 seconds - well, it was almost as surprising as when I found an onion ring in my fries. When quizzing one of the ambassadors of the phenomenon, harjeev, regarding what positives this well-received scheme has, he replied: "On the plus side, you can practise maths while on Tanki, thus obviously giving you more chance to pass your exams." Indeed, the popularity of this saga does seem to have multiplied over recent times, dividing opinions among players although eventually, despite the fact that it does subtract from the value of conversation, it undoubtedly adds to typing speed; a very useful ability, especially for those who use only two fingers to type (not that I would know anyone who does that, would I, Gold?).
What can you write about when you've run out of ideas? The secret to effective Reporting revealed!
By @GoldRock

The secret to effective Reporting. Ah, yes, wouldn't we all wish to know of this secret. To learn the inner secrecy of this, and to secretly keep the secret secret. This would be of the utmost secrecy. You see, secrets are meant to be secret. If people learn of secrets, and they secretly share the secrets with their secret friends (Side-note: Fen must have a lot of these), then the secrecy is destroyed, and the secret is a secret no more. So for me to secretly share this secret with you would require the highest, most secretive standards of secrecy to be adhered to. The secret must be kept secret. The secret cannot be told to anyone else, whether secretly or not, otherwise it may not remain a secret much longer. If you are prepared to abide by such secrecy, to secretly enshroud the secret within the secret depths of your mind, then I might just be able to secretly share this secret with you.

But remember, be secretive. None will ever know you possess such a secret if you are secretly secretive. In fact, none need to know of this secret. For it is a secret best kept secret, apart from the few who are secretly still reading this, yet secretly cannot bring themselves to stop. Remain vigilant in your secretiveness. Are you ready to secretly discover the secret depths of this secret? Can you really cope with the secret responsibility that would entail? Would you keep the secret secretly secret from those who wish to secretly defy such a secret? Secretly, I will never know. But I trust you to be secretive, to remain vigilant about the secret you will possess and to keep it secret, secretively concealing the secret. I secretly believe that the time has come for me to reveal the secret, yet the secret has already secretly been revealed.
Return of Godmode_ON sends excitement levels to new heights as rumours "fly" around community...
By @hogree

What is it that makes Godmode_ON special? Some say it's his 99% protection; others claim it's his incredibly rare appearances; still more say it's the 3 Gold Boxes that fall after his death. I say it's the impressively blue toilet-cleaner sprayed onto his paint. But, after his homecoming this month, rumours have suggested that what makes Godmode_ON special actually goes right over the top of our heads. Literally. Humans don't understand it - neither does GoldRock - but after months of investigation, scientists claim GodMode_ON may be able to fly.
 
Theories arose after his appearance in Dusseldorf sparked questions regarding how he appeared. One witness, Lankbouv, claimed he saw the intimidating Thunder-Mammoth in the air during one of his respawns before Godmode_ON "joined" with the following descriptive words: "how to levitate with mammoth ok". Other sightings suggested this theory has some legitimacy, as the Slovak Tanki Tutorials Team claim they saw him floating above a palm tree on one of their parkour expeditions in Iran. Indeed, the fact that Godmode_ON claimed in one of the videos of the past that he got onto the tower in Rio from above does suggest he can float anyway, although rumour has it that he has his own spaceship.
 
With the rumours flying around, we at The Dictator decided to try and contact Godmode_ON himself in search of an answer. In calling him, we went straight to the answer phone. Leaving a message, we awaited a return call. Three days later, a call came in from an Unknown caller. Listening intently as we picked it up, above the crackling signal, we picked out a few key words: "Don't phone...Jupiter... signal... bad....biscuits....hungry....food....". Although this suggests his ability to fly is well-grounded as Jupiter is made of gas, theorisers suggest Jupiter may have agreed to let him sit there in return for biscuits. Good call, Jupiter.
Celebration and then disappointment, as Mr. Hog quits the Reporter team for around 10 minutes.
By @GoldRock

It all started on a fateful evening. Goldy was bantering as usual, and then Mr. Hog decided to come in and ruin the banter. This involved proposing various groundbreaking mathematical equations. The "all or nothing" deciding moment came when Mr. Hog claimed that "something times pi equals gold because circular", closely followed by an ultimatum. This explained that he would leave unless someone understood his logic. Unfortunately, no one understood his logic or his face, so after great celebration, Mr. Hog finally left the newspaper's Skype group.

What came next was a barrage of sorrowful, deep and reflective messages on the part of Mr. Hog, some of which even occasionally exceeded three syllables, in which he outlined the emotional stress from which he was now suffering ("Thats it!" "It's over!" "End of a career." "Over!"). He then passed on a final message to his former colleagues:
 

 
This threat was too much for Goldy, who faced a dilemma. On one hand, he was hugely enjoying the lack of Mr. Hog's presence and the general sense of satisfaction which accompanied it, but on the other hand, he didn't want to be fired next time a chicken applied to become a Reporter.

Regretfully, Goldy was thus forced to make the dismal decision to add Mr. Hog back to the Skype group, who was ecstatic upon hearing the news ("I PHSYCAILLY CANT WAITJKK"). Despite the general incompetence that Mr. Hog displays through his existence, we hope our readers can support the newest member of our team, who has already been here for some hours now at the time of writing this. Now, let us hold a moment of silence for the thousands of brain cells which were killed as a result of these fateful events.
Will Tanki ever go "offline" and create an actual battle arena with real tanks?
By @hogree
 
no
Impending Pandemic Threatens World With Oblivion.
By @DarthvaderjonGTR (Wnner in "The Dictator" Contest)

Ever since the release of Tanki Online in 2008, doctors and rehabilitation centers have noticed a worrisome trend, the numbers of patients seeking medical treatment have been increasing exponentially, with no sign of slowing down anytime soon. Conservative estimates have put the current number at about 5 million cases of severe compulsive drug abusers and victims of post traumatic stress disorder a month. 99.9% of these cases have been attributed to the culprit, Tanki Online.

An interview with medical specialist Professor Kirby was interrupted by a hysterical, bespectacled 12 year-old boy mourning the loss of a gold box due to the infamous "fatal error," which has also been attributed to more than 70% of cases of early onset of alopecia and many other forms of hair loss in adolescent tankers. An exasperated psychiatrist, Dr Cloak, trembled, breaking out in cold sweat as he remarked, "The number of concerned parents consulting me about their trigger happy children exhibiting symptoms of hypertension is freaking me out!"

Following the brief interview, Dr Cloak disappeared down a mine shaft, leaving behind a self-destruct note wrapped in his beloved cloak. His disappearance is shrouded in mystery, and the police have deployed sniffer pigs, hoggies, in an attempt to solve the case.

On with the news. International health organizations have expressed the need to reverse this worrisome trend. They have stated that "smart cool downs" were a step in the right direction. Certain healthcare professionals, though, (A certain Mr Semyon perhaps?) have displayed an uncanny and rather disturbing delight at the crisis at hand, hinting that it was "good for business."
 
The WHO has issued an international health advisory putting the world on red alert at a possible pandemic of Tanki Online with its impending release on Unity. Detected modes of transmission include but are not limited to social media, miniclip, word of mouth, Gamescom, and other dubious exhibitions. The insurgency has been named Severe Acute Tanki Syndrome (SATS), and the virus is fatal. Personal discretion is advised.
If you want to read more from The Dictator, here are the news reports from previous months!

July 2014

August 2014

September 2014

Edited January 7, 2018 by Hexed

[hogree 4,179]

If people learn of secrets, and they secretly share the secrets with their secret friends (Side-note: Fen must have a lot of these)

Can someone just give Gold a cookie

[SonicTemplar 10]

nice

[Meliora 1,652]

To be honest, I think hogree's Godmode_On one was the funniest. The ones which are based on actual events are better for me.

[Mr.I3oSS 557]

:rolleyes: :rolleyes:

---

I'll bookmark this :rolleyes:

Edited October 31, 2014 by Mr.I3oSS

[hogree 4,179]

To be honest, I think hogree's Godmode_On one was the funniest.

LOL! Just tells, doesn't it? I was extremely disappointed with that piece, couldn't think of anything humorous to put in it.

[Meliora 1,652]

LOL! Just tells, doesn't it? I was extremely disappointed with that piece, couldn't think of anything humorous to put in it.

Sometimes those small details can make all the difference. Perhaps your boredom was what improved the article for me.

[Lankbouv 6,347]

Yes you couldn't think of anything so you thought you'd make up some crap about me and godmode floating in the air

[DarthvaderjonGTR 615]

Yay! So nice to see my issue featured :) Thnx guys :) I have made my mark in TO :wub:

[jazz20 1,181]

Hey great that you guys made a little Godmode_ON article, but can u explain the real question many tankers are wondering: How as smart cool downs affected him?

[lordmostafa 3,821]

Literally. Humans don't understand it - neither does GoldRock

LOL.

But this was really well done, nice work guys :D

[abdullahtss 5]

(LOL) i need to breath (choke) (choke)

[Lord-of-the-Snipers 1,620]

Yes you couldn't think of anything so you thought you'd make up some crap about me and godmode floating in the air

quote: "One witness, Lankbouv, claimed he saw the intimidating Thunder-Mammoth in the air during one of his respawns"

 

Just be happy he didn 't include "many"... ;)

[Mr.Eswar 188]

Yes you couldn't think of anything so you thought you'd make up some crap about me and godmode floating in the air

Hi lank ,remember me ??? :D

[hogree 4,179]

quote: "One witness, Lankbouv, claimed he saw the intimidating Thunder-Mammoth in the air during one of his respawns"

 

Just be happy he didn 't include "many"...  ;)

Chance Missed... :c

Edited November 1, 2014 by hogree

[Mr.Eswar 188]

^ Chance Missed... :c

What??

[Reeco9 1,567]

My favourite newspaper article as usual  ^_^

 

 

Will Tanki ever go "offline" and create an actual battle arena with real tanks?

By hogree
 

no

 

Best article 2014

Edited November 1, 2014 by Reeco9

[tom1008 0]

gvd evrey time if i wanna read the newspaper i come there

[lukey0 27,543]

Very well done! :lol:

[naca7 143]

Awesome!

[Magnificence 126]

Hehe Nice Hog and Gold :P

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Boring...

The July issue was so good.......

[flae88 948]

4 done 8 more to go :D gj

[Warhammer_TO 181]

I only just finished reading this -- was laughing too hard

[BlueDragon_tamki 3,204]

Can someone just give Gold a cookie