Other [Issue 29] My Path to Reporterness

[Kevred 1,586]

Yes, I know there’s a mistake in the title. Yes, I did it on purpose. No, I will not change it. Yes, I love candy. Yes, I will slap you if you continue asking questions.

 

 

So, one month ago I made it into the prestigious Reporter group. Needless to say it was also the time when I received the most PM’s. Some of them were: “Congrats dude!”, others we’re: “ Who are you? How d’you become a reporter?”. Yes, how did I become a reporter? Well, even though I'm at such a low rank, I've been playing Tanki for a while now. So, because I'm too lazy to reply to all the PM's because I want humankind to be smarter and craft a better world for the future generations, let me tell you my path to Reporterness.

 

 

There’s always a beginning…

 

 

On January 2nd, 2013, I received a Tanki invite email from one of my school buddies, Thomas. But I basically ignored it, since he sent me --at least-- 50 emails per week. But the next day, I caught a cold (Pretty common in Quebec), so I was sneezing, coughing, and throwing my dirty Kleenex all over the house. To my mother, that meant “That poor child, I hope he gets better…”, so she decided I could stay home and not go to school. Yes my mom is the best mother in the world, I can see your jealous face from here. To me, getting a cold meant, “Yes! 8 hours of web surfing while Thomas receives more detentions!”. So there I was, happily opening Google Chrome. I put my mouse on the search tab, got ready to write, and...stayed like that. I had absolutely nothing to do. Then I remembered the emails (Emphasize on the S of emails) I received the day before. And you’d probably guess that’s when I first signed up for Tanki Online (If you didn't...You might want to see a doctor). Choosing my name was actually quite hard. After attempting to use usernames ranging from KevinTheAwesome to TankiGamer111, I finally settled on Kevred. I'm so happy I didn't take KevinIsTheBest. Man would that be embarrassing. I guess my first battle went pretty well. Not quite sure, but I think I got 3-4 crystals on a battle fund of 9-10 (Remember, at the time it was before the update when all crystals were 10 times less than now. So in my first battle I received the equivalent of 30-40 crystals. Not bad for a beginner).

 

 

Off topic anecdote

Now you’re probably thinking my friend, Thomas, is the best friend you could have in the world. Well you’re WRONG! HE’S THE WORST KIND OF NUG (See under) YOU CAN FIND IN THE UNIVERSE! In fact, when I went to see him the next day, I had this whole speech prepared to manifest my gratitude for showing me this amazing game. But guess what? When I thanked him, he looked at me as if I said the most stupidest thing in the world, and threw in my face : “I wasn't trying to show you it at all. The game said that if I entered some emails, it would give me diamonds!”. Trying hard not to punch his nose off hurt his feelings, I replied in a tried-hard-to-control-but-not-so-controlled voice, “So...you revealed my email to a game you hardly know that might be fake just so you can get diamonds?!?!”. To accommodate the more squeamish readers, I will not describe what happened after. (PM me if you want to know what).

 

Nug: Thanks to the reporters for teaching me this elaborate bad word. 

Dictionary definition:

2. Nug (Noun)

Something that is ****. Something that people ******.

Stop being such a nug, GoldRock! (by Hogree)

1. Nug (Adjective)

A word used to criticize people in an very un-orthodox manner.

Your face is Nug! (By GoldRock, to Hogree)

3. Nug (Verb/Adverb)

Someone that is being ****.

Stop nugging, Hog! (By GoldRock)

4. Nug (Proper noun)

-No definition available-

GoldNug! GoldNug! 

 

 

Starter’s gaming

 

 

When I had my first matches it was the time when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and people watched TV in black and white, so my memories are a bit foggy. But I do recall mostly using Titan and Twins, because it was simply the easiest to handle! All I had to do was put something heavy, most often a dictionary, on the spacebar, and then use my other hands to turn the turret and manoeuvre the tank. Evidently I was one of the only Gefreiters who turned the turret. I’m not quite sure how good my scores we’re though. After I amassed enough crystals, I bought Hornet (Bad purchase), Mammoth (Badder purchase), Viking (Baddest Purchase), and Wasp (Best Purchase!). Thereupon I commenced driving around in my Wasp/Twins, and needless to say I didn't capture many flags with that combination. So, because of my incredible smartness (That better not be your laugh I'm hearing right now!), I switched to Firebird/Wasp. That was the start of UTOPIA. Just me, a happy little mass murderer running around in my fire spraying tank. And as for all utopias, it wasn't long before it crumbled. Railguns and Shafts began to appear, so now it was just me, a sad little tanker driving to my death. Boy was I fascinated by those turrets. A sound, a whiz, a flashing light, and BAM, you're dead. At first I thought of Railgun as a mysterious and deadly thingamajig ( I didn't even know it was called “Railgun” back then). Then I bought this weapon I thought was a machine gun ( Although I was intrigued by the fact that machine gun bullets could penetrate through multiple tanks), and when I first pressed the spacebar...There I was, a happy little sniper shootin’ tanks here and there, in Utopia 2.0.

 

 

 

My first forum experience

 

 

Thomas, in his never-ending quest for glory, told me that he entered for a contest in the Tanki Forum ( Do I need to mention he did not win?). At that time, Forum had about as much meaning for me as Imbroglio would, so I checked it out. And again everyday. Every hour. Every minute. Every second. I became addicted to it, pretty much spending two hours every day going through the archives. Then again, Thomas, in his never-ending quest for glory (Boy does that sound familiar), showed me the Press. Ahh, what I would have become without him guiding me and teaching me everything about Tanki...Oh wait, without him requesting my account’s password every time, I’d be alot happier. So, as I was saying, Thomas showed me the Press. I LOVED IT. Contests, stories, guides, interviews, everything I love the most all reunited in one spot! Soon my hands we’re bulging with muscles from all the clicking I was doing.

 

 

The worse mistake of my life (Which is saying a lot)

 

 

Tanki wasn't all pink and candy to me, though. Just like my friend Thomas, I became greedy for crystals and, when my parents gave me 50$ for my birthday and another 100$ for Christmas, I spent all the 150$ on Tanki Online. By that time I was at rank Master Sergeant, and liked using Titan/Shaft. I bought about 100 000 crystals, and used them to buy Shaft M1. Also, back then there was the option to purchase experience points. So I used my crystals to rank directly from Master Sergeant to Warrant Officer 1. When my parents found out… Saying they were angry is an understatement (I don’t feel like talking about it much, so I’ll keep it brief). I wasn't allowed to use or touch any electronic devices for 6 months. After that, when I came back online, I realised I was back to Master Sergeant, and that all my crystals disappeared. I didn't mind, though. In fact, I was happy about it. All I wanted is to forget about all that mess. Which is ironic considering I'm "commemorating" it right now, but... Meh.)

 

 

 

The beginning of “real” Tanking

 

 

Most of you will know what I'm trying to say. Compare your gameplay now, to your gameplay when you just started playing. Big difference, eh? That’s what I like to call “The noob Tanki” and “The real Tanki”. The noob Tanki, is when all you know is that if you click that green line in the battles section it will bring you somewhere where you can fight. You don’t (Or at least I didn't) know anything about the garage, maps, forum, funds, scores or anything else besides how to drive and shoot. We all had that time. But my transition from Noob Tanking to Real Tanking---When you know everything about the game--- was pretty brutal. Instead of slowly learning from experience like a good little murderer would, I “dumpster-dived” (Thanks @Remaine) the press archives and learned EVERYTHING (Please take note of the caps) about Tanki. I think that’s when I began wearing glasses.

 

For those who are interested, my eyes have a myopia of ….         

 

 

300

 

 

 

 

The dawn of Thomas wrecking

 

 

One day, I was, like always, playing Tanki and blowin’ up some tanks. Then Thomas called me, asking me if I wanted to play with him. I, of course, agreed. I didn't know yet I was about to have the best day of my life. So he chose Serpuhov, I took Fire/Wasp (A fav’), he chose  Hornet/Thunder. We started playing CTF, people joined, and soon enough it was one of those full-scale huge battles that lasted hours. After 30 minutes, I realised… I had about 1k points, the top of my team, and Thomas, who had M1 stuff and was 2 ranks higher than me (He was Sergeant-Major), Thomas had 200 points only! And to top it all, a Gold Box dropped, he was right under it, at that from catching it, but charged in, burned him to death and snatched the Gold. Afterwards, he not-so-mysteriously left the battle. I got 1k crystals from that battle :wub: . I've been smashing his ego into pieces ever since. In fact, on the weekend before Halloween, 2014, I played with him again, and causeless to mention my points we’re 10x higher than his. Okay, fine, maybe 5x.

 

 

My sudden passion for writing

 

 

I owe Kirby’s chapter 1 and 2 contest my Reporter position. When I started writing my entry, I thought it would be slow, dull, and painful. However, I couldn't be more wrong. I enjoyed writing so much, if it weren't for Kirby’s 500 word limit, I would've probably written a novel. So, I started writing stories everywhere and nowhere. By the way, I'm don't believe in God, or any other religions, but I think my luck was TOO big on the day I sent my entry for the reporter contest. (Got your attention now, eh?). On October 23, the deadline of the contest (Which I didn't even know about yet), I was bored, having nothing to do. So I decided to randomly check the "General" section, that I almost never looked at. The first topic was THE contest. After thoroughly reading it, I started hyper-ventilating, quickly copy-pasting one of my stories and sending it to @conanthedestroyer. I was afraid it was too late. Evidently it was not, or you wouldn't be reading this right now. The next day, Mr. Conan replied, saying that he'll contact me if I was chosen. 

 

He didn't contact me, I was not chosen, and this article was posted illegally. The end.

 

 

 

 

Edited July 30, 2017 by Hexed

[hogree 4,179]

Entertaining to say the least, interesting stuff, gj mate

[MA3CTPO_HA_XAHTEP 832]

It seems to be a great article. I'm going to read it till the end tommorow.

Edited December 1, 2014 by MA3CTPO_HA_XAHTEP

[blackopspaul 753]

That was really good, Plus a few mistakes (they're harmless, No one will figure 'em out  :ph34r: ) Really good for a "new" reporter, Good luck towards the future!

[Promissory 569]

I like how you add humour to your texts :D

[greyat 2,972]

May your ascent be an inspiration to all!

(Including me...)

[Ambitious 2,084]

I like the thomas parts lol! And the end too...!

[I.Devastation 2,053]

bad article :l

 

ok I lie

best article dis issue IMO

 

[Kevred 1,586]

bad article :l

 

ok I lie

best article dis issue IMO

 

*few* you actually scared me there :P

[classyplebs 1,786]

This is your backups account right? Cuz i was checking the helpers project and it says u must be rank captain? :)

[Thekillerpenguin 1,731]

This is your backups account right? Cuz i was checking the helpers project and it says u must be rank captain? :)

There is no rank requirement for being a reporter.

[Invincitron 888]

The rebalance caused much to reset; I swear if they reset everything again my whole clan, myself, and all the other damn buyers out there will be pissed off that all their crystals went away.

[greyat 2,972]

There is no rank requirement for being a reporter.

Except there is an excess; else I would apply :/

[Truthteller 4,204]

Thomas.. lol how do you put up with him

 good job kevred

[Kevred 1,586]

The rebalance caused much to reset; I swear if they reset everything again my whole clan, myself, and all the other damn buyers out there will be pissed off that all their crystals went away.

That's great to know  *sigh*

 

@Truthteller he's arrogant but he's a nice friend to have :P  the sarcasm and teasing more than makes up

Edited December 5, 2014 by Kevred

[blackopspaul 753]

The rebalance caused much to reset; I swear if they reset everything again my whole clan, myself, and all the other damn buyers out there will be pissed off that all their crystals went away.

Wait, Since when does the re-balance reset the forum? And anyway's there will be no re-balance.

[GG_reg 1,521]

Very entertaining but a bit long winded.

[anuclearbomb 220]

nice article...  no, not nice... brilliant... look at all the dots... anyway yeah nice article.

[Kevred 1,586]

nice article...  no, not nice... brilliant... look at all the dots... anyway yeah nice article.

oookay lol

[ALEKSEJ0077 150]

Your article is better than cheese

[tnt384 12]

wow.. great sense of humor... (p.s. i hope thomas isn't listening but i think your gonna end up being a better player than him... not that u aren't already..)

[Kevred 1,586]

wow.. great sense of humor... (p.s. i hope thomas isn't listening but i think your gonna end up being a better player than him... not that u aren't already..)

He doesn't look at the forum anymore since I became a reporter xD  I just had to throw it at his face

[24-carrot 286]

.

Edited December 11, 2014 by 24-carrot

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

What is that Thomas guy's nickname?

[Truthteller 4,204]

He doesn't look at the forum anymore since I became a reporter xD  I just had to throw it at his face

Lol