[Guide] The Ultimate Handbook For - Lazy Gold Hunters

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

THE ULTIMATE HANDBOOK FOR - LAZY GOLD HUNTERS

 

 

Tanki Online is divided into two categories of people - people who want the gold reeealy badly, and people who don't care.

 

 

 

I know you'll be screaming 'DEATH TO I DON'T CARERS!' right now. But please, hold on.

 

 

 

 

 

The first category - And a majority of the game's population - seem to be inspired by corrupt soldiers. They just can't stop risking their lives and wasting their ammunition for a box of cash.

 

All right, so we now aim to find out - Why is the gold box so lucrative? It's as elusive as a UFO among the lower ranks. For the higher ones, they can easily earn more crystals in a battle, and even a Warrant Officer gets more money as his daily reward.

 

The answer - The thrill. The siren activates a hormone called goldamine (recent studies by Tanki's in-house biologists have proved this) which ensues a mad rush towards that box where it becomes a free-for-all at the drop spot.

 

Note - Goldamine can be triggered either by words written in orange colour, or by diamonds etched into the ground in bright yellow. Or by the sight of around twenty tanks gathered in the same place, without the possibility of a fight for parking space.

 

That was the first category. Now, why don't the 'I-don't-care' people show any visible, distinct reaction on seeing the words 'Gold Box will be dropped soon' on their screen? Well, zero point three percent of the population have absence of goldamine in their blood. But, what about the rest? Here are some of the reasons which can have an opposite reaction with goldamine and nullify it's effects :

 

REASONS FOR LACK OF REACTION ON A GOLD BOX SIREN

1. They don't know what a gold box is, or don't seem to realize its value - Back in the old days, people could just pick up a hundred crystal boxes and pretend they had taken one, fat gold box (albeit without a screenshot to post in the 'Gold Boxes' topic). End of story. But in the present times, the pilots who drop the crystal boxes seem to have gone on strike. I wonder why..... Anyway, in lower ranks, the gold hardly drops, and when it does, most people think it's a new drug and pick it up (lucky beggars). Result - They tend to ignore the gold box.
2. Playing with the sound off and engrossed in gameplay - Well, the siren is one foolproof way to herald the arrival of the gold box. If your sound is off and you tend to be engrossed in the match, you'll miss the orange sign. Result - Goldamine is not triggered.
3. They buy crystals - They buy hundreds of thousands of crystals with a click of a button, what difference will a mere thousand crystals make? Result - Playing in PRO battles after buying a pass or developing an allergy to goldamine.
4. I'm hopeless - These people have ditched the 'gold box warriors' clan after sheer lack of goldhunting skills and joined the 'I don't care' gang. Why? Even after they didn't succeed and didn't give up, they tried, tried and tried again. These efforts went wasted too, and they ended up bankrupt with bloodshot eyes and unfounded accusations of no-lifing.
5. I just don't care - Three words. Go. Home. Noob. Or three more words. Read. This. Article.

 

THE GUIDE

 

That's the niceties over. Time for the big stuff.

 

Tip 1

 

Go with dictator. This is a guide for lazy goldhunters. And lazy means that you don't want to do any speedy stuff to climb on other tanks or bulldoze your way through the field. The ideal choice for you is Dictator. It's giraffistic and pretty long, too, so you don't have to work too hard for the gold box. Go with the old saying - I won't correct a stereotype for once here. All you have to do with it is locate the sign, and - bingo! The gold's in your kitty (unless, of course, you forget the location of the numeric keys on your keyboard). And, if you somehow find yourself on top of another tank, the easier it gets.

 

Effectiveness in theory - 10/10

Effectiveness in reality - 8/10

 

Tip 2

 

Lemme eat some potato chips right now... *chomp chomp* oh wait! There's a sign on my monitor! Some box will be dropped soon..... maybe it has potato chips in it! *chomp chomp*. Where's it gonna fall! Ah, maybe in the strike led by those fifteen tankers I can see over there. Tum-di-tum-di-tum.... wait, a yellow object's dropping! I'm a reach my hands up for it! IT'S A POTATO CHIP VOUCHER!

No, it's just a thousand crystals. Rubbish.

 

Got my drift? Want it in plain English? Here it is. You see, before the predictable drops update, you had to keep your eyes peeled, but, post update, the most tedious part of a gold box hunt is to locate the drop sign. In case you don't know, it's bright yellow and is shaped like a diamond. You see, for those of you who don't want to get your tracks dirty, there's a very simple trick to predict the general location of the drop, and no, it's not a reconnaissance mission! Just go to a vantage point, and look for an area where there are many tanks huddled together like penguins in the Antarctic. If there is such a place, it means they're waiting for the gold. You've struck it! Go get yourself a dictator and join them!

Effectiveness in theory - 8/10

Effectiveness in reality - 9/10

 

Tip 3

 

Invest in supplies. That's what you have to do everytime the gold box becomes visible. There's a huge rush to get it and everybody's prepared to get those thousand crystals at someone else's expense - and that someone could be you! You'll be caught in a deadly crossfire, so thick you won't even be able to distinguish your surroundings. It's best to have a lotta drugs - preferably double armour, because that's all you'll be needing once you've read this guide.

 

Well, I hate to bore you with a lecture on strategy. Please bear with me.

Once you've located the drop sign, wait until the crowd gets heavy. If they attack right away, press 2. If they're the 'no kill nubs' type, wait till the box appears. Oh, and kill some people!

If you really want to bore a hole through the jam, use damage. Running low? Use First Aid. It's just the basic rules of drug activation.

Effectiveness in theory - 10/10

Effectiveness in reality - 7/10

 

Tip 4

 

Get to a higher altitude if possible, and climb another tank. Because that's the best chance for you to get the gold. Yes, even more than dictator! I know the second prospect won't appeal to all you lazy folks. And it shouldn't. I left it just to irritate you. So, it's easy! For example, in Noise, just move one level up from the gold sign (as long as you can keep it in sight!) and just jump once the gold falls. Easy - peasy to just drive off the ledge slowly without having to endure any of that galloping going around behind you like moths around a light! Just jump off... relishing that bag of potato chips crystals...... till you fall flat on your face on the ground, enduring the ignominy of typing 'kill me pls' on the chat because you're too lethargic to press the 'delete' button.

 

Oh, and this tactic is particularly effective in team battles where the gold falls in your base (believe me, it does happen). I once remember two battles in Atra and Dusseldorf respectively. In the first case, I hunted the whole mid- and end section of the map before realizing the drop zone was in our base. And, it was just lying on the ground - no one had taken it! I hesitated to take it, and in that moment, some Titan got it - twenty four seconds after it fell. And.... similar stories in Dusseldorf. My point is, the less resistance you face, the more the chance you have. Getting my point, you shouldn't be trying Tip 4 in DMs. If you do,  go read a proper goldhunting guide.

Effectiveness in theory - 9/10

Effectiveness in reality - 10/10

 

Tip 5

 

Take them by surprise - it's a win-win situation. You move in the last minute, and you get some more of your beauty sleep!

 

This is slightly tough for you douchebags to follow this, but it's great. You feign surrender, that is, act like you're not interested in the gold box. Result - the guy underneath will get complacent. Then, at least three seconds before the gold touches down, you accelerate, and WHAM! Push him away (oh and remember to ram the side of the tank) and get the prize for yourself.

 

Sounds an ordeal? Nope. It's a cinch! Goldhunters should adopt this method!

Effectiveness in theory - 4/10

Effectiveness in reality - 8/10

 

Tip 6

 

The easiest of all! You won't even have to move your tank till the gold actually falls down, and I guarantee there'll be nobody , nobody to stop you!

 

 

If you open the spoiler, you'll have to accept that you won't come to me whining about the consequences following this tip. Because, there's a (here it comes) WARNING - It only works on simpletons, or if you make it sound really convincing.

Got that? Now open the spoiler!

 

 

 

I doubt you'll be needing an effectiveness rating for this one =P

 

Conclusion

 

So that's it, guys! Use these tips well and let your goldamine level stay low, get gold boxes, gain those flabs and body weight, and stay lazy! See you in the battlefield!

Edited June 30, 2015 by TriNitroToIuene

[1stsuperwhitedragon 408]

Helpful and hilarious

[momy950666 960]

^hilarious i think

[GHOST68INVINCIBLE 152]

bwhaaaaahhhAaaaaaa

[NaVi.markeloff 365]

ain't nobody got time for dat

[kayitsiz 621]

Extremely hard to understand and unrespectful language, just basic tips without any detailed information.

Is this really a guide? 

[alpha_destroyr 158]

Can't stop laughing :lol:

Good Job Pratyush !

[dilsharox 2,395]

nice

[pizzaslad 471]

I'm too lazy to even log into the game, so how am I suppose to do anything that was mentioned?

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

I'm too lazy to even log into the game, so how am I suppose to do anything that was mentioned?

I'm sorry, I wrote this guide for people who play the game :P

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Extremely hard to understand and unrespectful language, just basic tips without any detailed information.

Is this really a guide? 

Hard to understand? Many others could understand it :huh:

And I didn't use disrespectful language. It's just a friendly guide with some good-humoured slang in it.

If you think there wasn't any detailed information, go read a proper goldhunting guide. Maybe you already know these things, that's why you think so. It's your opinion, I won't question it. As for 'basic tips', I cut to the essentials for those who have trouble getting gold boxes.

As I said, it's your opinion, but don't question my intentions of writing it. If I say it's a guide, it's a guide. For I am the one who wrote it.

Good day kay

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Helpful and hilarious

 

 

^hilarious i think

 

 

bwhaaaaahhhAaaaaaa

 

 

nice

 

Thanks guys!

 

 

ain't nobody got time for dat

Time for what?

 

 

[BlazingCoder 108]

Aint nobody got time for dat?

[SpHryfBoss 573]

As a person who sucks at taking gold boxes, I can reassure you that I still suck at catching them after reading this guide. (Biggest part of the problem is that there are too many laggy Dictators  <_<)

[NatchGa 665]

Extremely hard to understand and unrespectful language, just basic tips without any detailed information.

Is this really a guide? 

I agree... he even made up words... Giraffistic.... like honestly, this also give people the idea that using these things means your lazy. No. This makes you smart... gold box fanatic? maybe. Crystal Obsession? sure. but lazy? absolutely not.

[NatchGa 665]

Thanks guys!

 

 

Time for what?

 

 

Aint nobody got time for dat?

having an unhealthy love for memes, allow me to clarify...

[D.MK 49]

Nice!

[lukey0 27,543]

Nice though 1 thing.

 

I don't get Goldamine! :O  Why is that? Nothing above really fits me. :/

[TriNitroToIuene 4,765]

Nice though 1 thing.

 

I don't get Goldamine! :o  Why is that? Nothing above really fits me. :/

I made it up! It's supposed to be an imaginary hormone.... :P

Why should it fit you? You're not lazy! You don't suck at getting gold boxes! You're one of the best goldhunters in Tanki's history! I should be interviewing you for this article!

 

I agree... he even made up words... Giraffistic.... like honestly, this also give people the idea that using these things means your lazy. No. This makes you smart... gold box fanatic? maybe. Crystal Obsession? sure. but lazy? absolutely not.

Um..... giraffistic is a simile^

I don't understand. When a reporter invents a new word, he's innovative. When someone else does, he's resourceless. Isn't that what you're implying?

 

 

Why are you assuming kind of stuff? Who says using the tips makes you lazy? Anyone can follow it! Even lukey read it! You're just being pessimistic. Anyone can use these tips! Lazy is a general term!

Edited July 3, 2015 by TriNitroToIuene

[Lord-of-the-Snipers 1,620]

Extremely hard to understand and unrespectful language, just basic tips without any detailed information.

Is this really a guide? 

Unrespectful language? Nub...

 

I agree... he even made up words... Giraffistic.... like honestly, this also give people the idea that using these things means your lazy. No. This makes you smart... gold box fanatic? maybe. Crystal Obsession? sure. but lazy? absolutely not.

Two of them...

[CockneyLad 31]

I thought it was brilliant, it made me chuckle.

Look forward to your next guide.

[sonofchrysalis3 3,719]

Utterly fantastic.  TNT is the man with a plan (for catching gold boxes)!

[pizzaslad 471]

I'm sorry, I wrote this guide for people who play the game :P

Fair enough :)

 

And it was a funny article. Some people just have a weird sense of humour. Don't worry about those guys

[NatchGa 665]

Um..... giraffistic is a simile^

I don't understand. When a reporter invents a new word, he's innovative. When someone else does, he's resourceless. Isn't that what you're implying?

 

 

Why are you assuming kind of stuff? Who says using the tips makes you lazy? Anyone can follow it! Even lukey read it! You're just being pessimistic. Anyone can use these tips! Lazy is a general term!

making up words in my opinion only make things more complicated and less easy to understand. If I did see a reporter make up a word, I definitely would not support it. 

 

Umm... You said they do. It says so in the title of this article... LAZY gold hunters guide. And being lazy is not something most people consider a compliment... Your also giving off the impression that players who use dictator and use supplies are lazy. Again, not a good thing. I thought this would be common sense, but apparently not. And your right, Lazy is a general term, for people who have no work ethic, no strive for success, and no sense of urgency. All of which, are bad things. 

[SportsKing700 153]

making up words in my opinion only make things more complicated and less easy to understand. If I did see a reporter make up a word, I definitely would not support it. 

 

Umm... You said they do. It says so in the title of this article... LAZY gold hunters guide. And being lazy is not something most people consider a compliment... Your also giving off the impression that players who use dictator and use supplies are lazy. Again, not a good thing. I thought this would be common sense, but apparently not. And your right, Lazy is a general term, for people who have no work ethic, no strive for success, and no sense of urgency. All of which, are bad things. 

Hey, how bout you stop killing everyones eyes and you automatic color like every other normal tanker here   <_<